


Control

by JustOneDay



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: It does get better, It's pretty much just about fixing relationships, M/M, Yep it's a bit um... depressing, just saying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-09
Updated: 2015-01-03
Packaged: 2018-02-08 04:28:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 43
Words: 131,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1926627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustOneDay/pseuds/JustOneDay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How can something that started off so beautiful fall so far?</p><p>Or the one where Harry and Louis fight to save their relationships that are almost beyond fixing(but not quite)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Control

**Author's Note:**

> So here you have it, and I hope you enjoy it. I'll just start posting all the chapters so far on here for your convenience...

How can something that started off so beautiful, fall so far?

 

 

How did we reach this place? We were beautiful, we were happy, and we were together. I just don't want to loose him. He keeps me together, he doesn't let me fall apart. Without him, I'm so lost. 

 

 

How did I allow this to happen? I just wanted to feel useful. I just wanted to breathe freely. Yet, he breathed too freely, he loved too loosely. I didn't want to leave him, but I did. Without him, I'm lost. 

 

 

How do I give up? I just wanted to love him, and he wouldn't let me, not completely. I just wanted to make him smile and laugh, I just wanted him to be as happy with me as I am with him. Yet, it's weighing me down and I can feel myself letting go, I can feel myself giving up. But, without him, I'll be lost. 

 

 

How do I hold on? I didn't want love, I didn't want him, but now I can't let him go. I can't let him leave. I need him close. I need him to help me conquer this. I'm so afraid though, I'm so afraid to hold on. Yet, I'm more afraid to loose him. Without him, I'll be lost. 

 

 

*+*+*+*

 

 

Two couples lost control. Four people, fighting for love, and they seem to be on the loosing side. They have reached the end of the line, they are at the end of their rope. They have only one hope left, and this hope only resides in two of them. 

 

 

Liam has given up, but Louis is holding on. 

 

 

Niall is letting go, but Harry is grasping hard. 

 

 

Only one thing can save them, but to be saved they have to be willing to be broken. These sessions with Malik, will be harder than any anticipated. 

 

These sessions will either make them, or break them.


	2. Couples Counseling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prologue, take it or hate it really...

"I know Clara, but he does love you. You just have to let him." Zayn spoke out to the rather mouse-like girl seated on his sofa. Her boyfriend, Ron, was seated beside her, his eyes teaming with untold emotions, though his love for her shined through rather obviously. 

 

 

"I'll try." Clara weeped, her tears flowed down her face like river streams. Her face was bloched with red, while her eyes were puffy and swollen. Yet, not once did Ron look disgusted with the girl before him. Not once was there ever a doubt in Zayn's mind that Ron did not love this girl. 

 

 

"Good, just remember to do the exercises we talked about, and I'll see you both next week." Zayn sent them small smiles, trying his best not to rush them from the room, but honestly, he was tired and he was more than ready to walk out the door and greet his beautiful fiancé. 

 

 

"We will sir, thank you so much." Ron smiled gratefully at Zayn and suddenly his eyes weren't quite so dry, nor his smile quite so fake. 

 

 

This was the reason Zayn did this, the hope that sprung forth from these rather desperate couples was enough for him. He just wanted people to be happy, and to be happy with each other. Of course, there were some couples who were fated to end from the start, but Zayn still gave his all. He tried his best to make each and every couple who entered into this room to leave with full and happy hearts. 

 

 

He stood up, and led Clara and Ron from his office, glad to see the subtle touches Ron placed on his girlfriend's back and arm as he walked her out the door. Zayn was feeling rather good about himself as he glanced around his empty waiting room. It had been a rather good day, a couple bumps here and there but overall good. He had only twenty minutes left of his office hours and felt good knowing he wouldn't have to deal with any hysterical couples who barged in last minute. Those people always ended up giving him one hell of a headache. 

 

 

"Nancy?" Zayn called out to his secretary who was currently filing last minute papers. She glanced up at Zayn's voice and sent him a small smile. 

 

 

"Yes, Mr. Malik?" She asked politely, brushing her blond fringe from her bright blue eyes. 

 

 

"Is there anything I need to sign?"

 

 

"No sir, I've got everything almost finished out here, you go ahead and finish up in there. Isn't Perrie home tonight?" Nancy sent him a smirk as Zayn smiled wide. 

 

 

"Yeah, she is." With that Zayn entered his office once more and got down to work. 

 

 

The minutes passed quickly as he thought of his stunning financé being home with him for the first time in a month. She had been away on a trip with her girlfriends to tour Europe, and he had been immensely happy for her, but a month was quite a long time to be without her. He had missed her, very much. 

 

 

Just as Zayn was gathering last of his papers, preparing to put the files back into his desk and leave, there was a commotion outside his door. He heard a couple of shouts, and was just about to rise from his chair when his door brust open. 

 

 

"Sir! You need an appointment!" Zayn vaguely heard Nancy's yell, but he was too focused on the two lads before him. Both were panting heavily as if they had only just finished running a marathon. 

 

 

One was quite tall, with loose curly locks and deep green eyes that seemed to burn with, what Zayn could only assume, was anger. He was currently glaring at the dark haired lad beside him, a bit shorter in stature but his jaw was set firm. There seemed to be a desperation that radiated from the both of them, but it was the blue eyed man, whose eyes were currently locked on his, that seemed the most desperate. 

 

 

Zayn took pity on them, for some reason unknown to himself. He saw something in both of these men, something he himself had been not even three years before. It sparked something in Zayn, and he found himself dismissing Nancy. 

 

 

"It's alright Nancy, they can come in."

 

 

Nancy frowned at him, before nodding stiffly and exiting his office, closing the door behind her. The two lads continued to stand in the room, neither speaking a word though both seemed to have much to say. 

 

 

"You can take a seat." Zayn pointed towards the chairs in front of his desk, thinking they would prefer this situation instead of sitting on the couch just across the room. "What can I do for you gentlemen?"

 

 

"Well-"

 

 

"Nothing! Louis, God damn it, I told you no!" The curly haired lad yelled at the shorter one--Louis--who just sent him a rather poisonous glare. 

 

 

"Do you want to loose him Harry? Do you?!" Louis turned to Harry with a fire burning deep within him. "Because I know I sure as hell don't want to loose Liam! This is our only option. But if you don't give a shit about your boyfriend, then please, walk out the fucking door and don't look back!"

 

 

"Don't talk about him like that!" Harry yelled back at Louis, his face darkening in anger, his hands clenching into tight white fists.

 

 

"Then don't act like he isn't about to give up on you! Fuck, I'm quite surprised he hasn't left you already! Liam left me, and I didn't treat him half as badly as you treat Niall!"

 

 

"I don't treat Niall badly! I love him, Louis I love him." Harry's voice quieted, as he looked down, tears beginning to fill those green eyes. 

 

 

"Then show him, do this. Show him you're worth holding onto. Don't be a prick like I was, and hold him tight Harry. I'm doing this to get Liam back, you're doing this so you don't loose Niall. Just, do it for love Harry." Harry flinched at that slightly, and Zayn cocked his head in interest. Eventually, the curly lad nodded his head and turned towards Zayn, his head down, but Zayn could still hear his sniffles. 

 

 

"What can I do for you two this evening?" Zayn asked as Louis returned his burning gaze to him. He took in a shaky breathe before exhaling slowly. 

 

 

"We would both like to sign up for couples counseling."


	3. Agreements

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something I forgot to mention is that this book has a different perspective for each chapter so um...the name will be in the top corner. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure it's self explanatory. Oh, and this really isn't much of an agreement...

**Liam's POV**

 

"Li, what are you doing?" Niall sighed as he glanced back at me. I just continued to unload my boxes, ignoring him as I began to piece my new kitchen together. "Liam, don't ignore me. Please, don't this to me too."

 

At the sound of Niall's tired tone I glanced back, guilt settling deep in my stomach. Niall was sitting on counter, twisting a few forks about in his hands, no longer looking at me. He looked like shit to be frank, purple bags were resting under his rather dull blue eyes. The smile that always used to shine on his face had dimmed and he hardly smiled at all anymore. It had been weeks since I'd last heard him laugh, and I had to admit, I missed it. I missed the old Niall, the one who used to be my closest mate. Niall wasn't supposed to look like this, and I felt anger begin to boil in my blood as I thought about who was doing this to him, and the fact that Niall was allowing it to happen.

 

"Niall, you can't keep letting him do this to you. You have to get out mate, I did. You need to as well. Harry's tearing you apart, and at the speed you seem to be deteriorating, it's only a matter of time before you hit rock bottom." My voice came out sharp as I clenched my jaw tight, doing my best to stop all the foul names I wanted to call Harry, from coming out of my mouth.

 

"I know Li. I just...I still love him." Niall set the forks down beside him and ran his pale hands over his even paler face. "I'm losing him though, I can feel it. We don't even sleep in the same room Liam. This relationship that Harry and I have, is slowly becoming the relationship we had. I just can't let him go."

 

I tried my best not to yell, but Niall had become my best mate over the last few years and well, I couldn't control myself. He deserved all the happiness the world had to offer and all Harry Styles seemed to be doing to him was draining the happiness from his life.

 

"Niall God damn it! You know, just as well as I do, that what you have with Harry isn't a relationship. Not anymore at least. It's become a prison and everything’s changed since October. You don’t smile Ni, you aren’t Niall. He’s taking that away from you."

 

Niall glanced up, and for the first time in what felt like months, I saw a spark in his never ending blue eyes. Except this time what I saw wasn't happiness, but anger.

 

"Don't try and take what Harry and I have and turn it into what you and Lou had. You know you fucked up. You know it, so why the hell aren't you trying to get him back? You left him because you were afraid and you God damned know it! Be a man and face up to it." Niall's words hit me hard much like a slap to the face, but I pushed them aside.

 

"No Niall, Louis and I just weren't meant to be, that's all." I spoke calmly, though my hands were a bit clammy as I tried to convince not only Niall, but myself of it as well.

 

"Oh don't give me that shit Liam. You know you two were perfect together. Alright so maybe Lou drinks a bit more than you're comfortable with. Maybe he's a little bit of a free spirit, but with all that uncontrollable passion came an undying love that he had for you. No one else mate, just you."

 

I turned away from Niall trying my best to force the tears away from my eyes. He was wrong, he had to be wrong. Louis and I were doomed from the start. We were.

 

We had to be.

 

"Why do you hang on so tightly Niall? Why didn't you leave Harry three months ago when he..." I trailed off, doing my best to skirt around the event that had almost broken Niall completely.

 

I could tell I had hit quite the sore spot as a deathly silence overcame my flat. I didn't want to reopen old wounds but I could see what Harry was doing to Niall. I couldn't stand to see him like this; I loved him too much to allow Harry to break him any further. It had been loyalty to Louis that had stopped me from breaking that prick's neck three months ago, and now it was only my loyalty to Niall that held me back. He deserved more, and he always would.

 

"How's work been mate?" Niall croaked, doing his best to change the subject, and I reluctantly conceded, following his lead.

 

"It's been alright, a bit busy what with all the extra orders coming in online now, but it's nice to keep busy." I shrugged, as I placed my food in the fridge and around the empty cabinets.

 

"That's good, just means things are finally beginning to take off for you, ya?" Niall's voice was lighter as he spoke about work and I tried my best to just allow him to escape from his reality for a while.

 

"Yeah, it's really great."

 

We continued to unpack my new flat, Niall putting my bathroom together, as I began on the bedroom. I could tell he didn't approve, it was as obvious as the color of the sky, on his face. Niall and Louis were best mates, and they had been for about ten years now. I knew he didn't understand why I had left Louis, and honestly he probably never would. To everyone else our relationship seemed perfect. Louis loved me, that much was obvious, and yet...I couldn't quite describe what was wrong. No one could understand what being with Lou was like and I just sort of snapped. I couldn't take it any longer.

 

And honestly, I hated myself for that.

 

*+*+*+*

 

"Liam mate, let's take a break yeah? I'm starved." Niall announced as he came trudging into my new bedroom with a frown, once again, on his face.

 

“But Niall, we’ve hardly gotten anything done.” It was true too, seeing as we spent the majority of our time arguing over where I was putting things, though I didn’t quite understand why we were having those conversations. It wasn’t as if Niall was going to be living here as well, he would just be spending the majority of his time here.

 

“C’mon Li, please? I’ll help you with the linens.” His eyes were wide, his lips were pouted, and I only stared for a moment before sighing in defeat.

 

"Alright." I gave in, even though I really wasn't in the mood for food.

 

"Ronni's alright?" I nodded and followed Niall out as he began to order the pizza, mostly likely buying too much.

 

I left Niall to his phone call and walked back out to my new front room where a small sofa and a flat screen were the only objects in sight. I hadn't had enough time to buy proper furniture yet so I was stuck with what my Mum lent me. I didn't take anything from Lou and I's old place. I couldn't handle having those objects litter my flat, especially when I knew Louis wouldn't be on them. He wouldn't be here when I came home from work and I wouldn't be able to make him dinner. I wouldn't walk in to find his stuff littered all about. The place would no longer smell of mud and sweat. Louis' presence was vacant from this flat, and it just squeezed my heart even more.

 

I was such a bloody coward.

 

"Alright, it should be here soon." Niall announced as he came and sat down on the sofa beside me. We were quite the pair tonight, both just oozing with sadness yet neither one of us willing to discuss a single thing.

 

"Liam?" I turned to Niall to find his blue gaze was already trained on me. His voice was soft and unsure as he continued. "Why did you do it? Why did you leave him? Just give me a reason and I won't bring it up again, I promise. It's just...mate he's driving himself mad. He doesn't know what he did wrong and all he wants to do is fix it. He isn't staying at your flat, he hardly goes home-"

 

"Niall, please stop." I choked out, doing my best to hold myself together. I didn't need to hear this. I shouldn't have to hear this. After I cut things off with Louis I should have been free of him, I should have been able to push what we had behind me and move on, but I can't. I can't when Niall brings it up every time we talk. "Just stop."

 

"Li, I just want to understand, just-"

 

"You won't understand alright?! Nothing you say or do is going to change anything. You can't fix it, so just let it go." I hissed, my emotions fluctuating like the wind, as I tried to remain calm, even though anger and sadness were both vying for my attention.

 

"Anything can be fixed Liam, you just need the proper tools." Niall continued to pester, and my patience just sort of broke.

 

"Oh yeah? What about you and Harry? What fucking tool can fix what he's done to you, what he's still doing to you? I'm pretty sure glue won't do it, and well, you'd need a whole hell of a lot of duct tape to piece you back together." My words were ugly, filled with all the hate and self lothing I had retained for myself. Now they were being used against Niall, and I couldn’t help but regret the words as soon as they left my mouth.

 

Niall's once concerned face had now turned to stone. He was shutting me out again, and it was my fault. I shouldn't have let my tongue loose. I should have listened to whatever it was Niall was about to say. Maybe it would have helped to reduce the inner turmoil I was currently feeling. Why did I feel the need to keep throwing Harry back in Niall's face like that? Why couldn’t I be as good a mate to Niall as he was to me?

 

"Liam, shut up alright? Just shut the fuck up. So what if I'm not exactly as happy as I was, who gives a shit?! Life is not always about being happy, alright?! It's about working through the struggles and the hard times. I'm trying my best Liam, I'm trying not to give in like so many people do, but I'm losing." A tear slowly slid down Niall's face and I tried to reach out to him, hoping to ease some of his pain but he just backed away. "I'm losing Liam, and it hurts."

 

I watched in silence as Niall fought to control his emotions. He only allowed one tear to fall but I could see how his face was twisted up in a painful expression. I could see how hurt he truly was, even if I was only catching glimpses, I knew. Why is it that the people who are supposed to love us the most, end up being the people to bring us down?

 

Harry was hurting Niall and he knew it. I'd talked to him about it on multiple occasions and the guilt that he held inside of himself was overwhelming. I knew he was sorry, but yet he hadn't stopped. He hadn't tried to fix what he'd broken. He hadn't done anything, and that was where my anger stemmed from for him. Though, I guess me being angry at Harry was slightly hypocritical. I was the one who fucked things up with Louis, he had been his same ole self yet I was the one who couldn't handle it. I was the one who gave up. Does that make me as bad as Harry?

 

Am I simply trying to get Niall to let Harry go because that's what I did to Louis?

 

"Some battles you just can't win Niall."

 

For the first time in what felt like ages, my words seemed to get through to him. It was as if a sort of peace fell over Niall as he glanced at me, his eyes holding some sort of unyielding passion that I had never felt before. When Niall loved, he gave all of himself to it, no questions asked.

 

"Just because you can't win, doesn't mean you don't die trying." He whispered, almost so soft that I didn't hear it, but I did.

 

I just stared at him, my breath coming a bit faster as I tried to think of a response to that, but I came up with nothing. I couldn't understand why Niall would subject himself to this situation. It was one thing to love somebody, but to love a person who consistently hurts you without even trying was simply irrational. All it was doing was tearing Niall apart.

 

"Have you spoken with him today?" I finally asked, trying to feel out if anything else had transpired lately.

 

"He said something about plans with Louis. You never know with those two." He shrugged his shoulders, though it looked like the weight of the world was resting on him as he did so.

 

"Yeah, they're a bit unpredictable." I smiled fondly as I thought of all the stunts those two had pulled over the years, and somehow they always managed to pull Niall and I down with them.

 

Niall snorted, and his eyes flashed a bit brighter as he rolled them. "That's got to be the understatement of the year."

 

"Ni, the year's just started." I pointed out with a smirk.

 

"That's not the point Liam." He shook his head and a small smile popped up on his face. I tried to make a mental note so I would have something to go back to as a reference on how to make Niall smile. He really didn’t do much of it anymore.

 

"Isn't it though?" I smirked, and was quite proud when a chuckle escaped his lips. Before he could say another word though, there was a knock at the door. Niall shot up and grinned brightly at me before making his way towards the door.

 

"Pizza! Right on ti-" As soon as Niall opened the door his smile vanished. He was angled just so, rendering my view of the person on the opposite side of the door. "What are you doing here?"

 

"We need to talk to you." My heart lurched as I heard his voice. I hadn't spoken to him since I left; ignoring all forms of communication he used to try and get in touch with me. Niall stepped aside as Louis entered my flat, his eyes now trained on me. "Both of you."

 

"Why?" Niall croaked as Harry followed inside behind Louis. Even with my focus on Louis I noticed how Niall stepped away from Harry as he entered inside. Harry was watching Niall carefully but Niall had his eyes trained on the ground.

 

“Well, Niall, it’s important.” Harry was speaking slowly, his eyes staring holes into his boyfriend’s skull, but Niall still refused to look up at him. Louis, on the other hand, just sent Harry a pointed look before ushering the blond towards my sofa.

 

“You should probably both sit down for this.” Louis sighed, running his hands through his hair. I had to clench my hands into fists to keep myself from reaching out to do that myself. I didn’t have a right to do that anymore, Louis wasn’t mine. He wasn’t mine.

 

And that was all my fucking fault.

 

“Lou, you’re scaring me. What happened?” Louis didn’t answer Niall’s question, neither did Harry as he stayed off to the side looking a bit like a wounded puppy. I would have felt sorry for him if it weren’t for the fact that I’d seen Niall in way worse conditions because of him. I was pulled from my thoughts as Niall gasped lowly, glancing up towards Louis, his eyes flicking back to Harry for a split second before remaining on Louis. “Are you two dating?”

 

As that question spilled out, it was all I could do to stop myself from throwing up. The onslaught of nausea that hit me was like a tidal wave, as I did my best to remain calm.

 

Louis and Harry couldn’t be dating, they just…couldn’t. Could they? No! Harry was with Niall they couldn’t be… They couldn’t.

 

“Fuck no! Niall, what the hell mate?! I’d never date him!” Louis pointed towards Harry who looked to be rather offended with his best mate’s outburst.

 

“Well thanks Tommo, you really know how to boost a man’s confidence.” Harry hissed out, while Louis simply rolled his eyes.

 

“Don’t Tommo me, like you’d want to date me either. Besides, you’re dating Niall, and I would never do that to him.” Louis seemed too alive and vivacious, and I found myself yearning for his attention, and that simply thought was all it took to bring down my walls once more. I couldn’t want Louis, I wouldn’t want Louis, not again.

 

“Can you please stop arguing for one second and tell us what the hell you’re on about?” I snapped, my mood shifting once again from hot to cold.

 

Louis turned his attention back towards me, his demeanor changing from his playful self to a side of Louis I’d never seen before. He was gazing at me with such intensity I was finding it hard to breathe let alone think. He was serious, and all of his attention was focused on me. It was like the rest of the world disappeared as he stared at me deeply as if gazing into my soul. It was too much, it was all too much, and I looked away.

 

“We have a proposition for you two.” Louis finally said, his voice coming out strong.

 

“What kind of proposition?” Niall wondered, his voice wavering as if afraid of the answer.

 

“Well,” Harry cleared his throat coming a bit closer to us, though Niall shifted away from him a bit. The hurt was evident on Harry’s face but he continued on. “We-“

 

“I.” Louis interjected, sending Harry another glare before turning his attention back to me. I just glanced away once more, staring at the wall behind him instead.

 

“Right, Lou thought the four of us could use a bit of help—outside help.” Harry really wasn’t getting anywhere with this and it seemed to have hit a nerve in Niall as he popped his head up and looked at Harry dead on for the first time since he arrived.

 

“What the hell is that supposed to mean Harry?” He sighed, leaning his head down to rest on his hand.

 

“It means,” Louis continued on from where Harry left off. “We think it would be best if we each went to couples counseling.”

 

This time I wasn’t able to keep the bile down, as yet again a bout of nausea hit me and I threw up.


	4. Six Months

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Harry didn't cheat or rape Niall or anything like that. It's different and it's small but the small things do add up...

**Niall's POV**

 

I was supposed to be asleep.

 

I wasn't though, instead I was just lying in my room snuggled up into myself and pretending to sleep. I was hiding from the world, but mostly I was just hiding from Harry. I knew he was awake, not only did the rustling of pans give him away but also the grey light that crept in from my open window. Harry was never a late sleeper, he always woke up with the sun and that was something I had always admired about him. I myself was never a morning person but Harry always made it seem like a beautiful thing and for a long while I tried to be one as well. I used to get up with him and sit in the kitchen as he cooked us breakfast, a big smile on his face as I tried my best to simply wake up.

 

I didn't do that anymore.

 

I often found myself wondering if he even missed my company in the early hours of the day, one could never be too sure with him. Harry was like my own personal Pandora's Box. He was something that I was never able to figure out, no matter how hard I tried, he was a mystery. At first I thought that was a good thing, it was exciting. I wanted to figure him out, find out what made him tick, but the deeper I got and the less I knew, the less his mysterious nature excited me. Now it was simply one more thing that stood between the two of us, one more road block I was starting to think I would never knock down.

 

I sighed and rolled over, only to stare up at my white ceiling.

 

I wished I could be a blank slate like that again, I wished I wouldn't have all these different things marring me, all congregating together to create a swirl of black. What used to be so clean and full of potential just seemed to have been contaminated with all these unwanted problems. Maybe Liam was right, maybe it was time to let go.

 

I was startled from my thoughts by a rather light knock on my door. I didn't turn to glance at who it was, there was only one person it could be.

 

"Niall?" His voice was light, but there was a slight tremble to it as if he was afraid. I didn't answer him, and instead waited for him to make the next move. I was tired, I was so tired of making the first move. I felt so weak, and it was killing me to know that Liam was right; Harry was the one who was making me this way.

 

As I continued to stare up at the ceiling I couldn’t help but wonder what my life would be like without Harry in it. He had been such a major focus for me for so long now that I was having trouble picturing what a life without Harry would be like, what it would feel like. Would it be simpler, less stressful? I had no doubt that it would be. Yet, was that a good thing? Louis had once told me that he hated simple things, because when things were simple they were boring. Granted, Louis wasn’t exactly the person to talk about simple things with, he enjoyed having fun too much to ever think that he could have fun in small doses and that everything didn’t have to be so damn extravagant. Yet then again, Louis was also one who seemed to just live for the moment, every moment at that. He tried to live with no regrets, but I think his past must have caught up to him or something, I mean God damn, something must have happened to make Liam leave, and neither of them would tell me a single thing.

 

I was pretty sure it was Louis’ fault that Liam left, but that stubborn man just wouldn’t tell me what he did. I just wanted to know, I just wanted to help—and hey, if helping kept my mind away from my crumbling relationship who was I to complain? Exactly, I wasn’t.

 

“Niall?” Harry’s voice sounded again, and this time I heard the door creak open, as he shuffled inside. I glanced at him from my peripheral vision and saw how he stood hunched over, twiddling his fingers as if he was a little boy whose father had just called him into his study to discuss something he had done wrong. Sad thing was, I wasn’t Harry’s father, I was his boyfriend, and yet he was that nervous about being around me. “You up?”

 

I decided it was about time that I put him out of his misery and at least answer one of his questions, no matter how simple it was. I turned my head a bit towards him and shut my eyes so that I wouldn’t have to look into his hypnotic green eyes.

 

“Yeah.” I sighed, before turning my head back towards the ceiling and opening my eyes once again. Why did life have to be so damn hard?

 

“O-oh, good.” He cleared his throat, but remained by the door not daring to come any closer to me, most likely fearing how I would react. He knew what he did hurt me, but I knew what I was doing now was hurting him just as much. I simply couldn’t handle his touch, I didn’t want him touching me, because all I could think about was that night, and all I could hear were those words, and all I could picture was his face. And fuck, it still hurt, it still hurt so damn much that I just couldn’t look at him. “I uh, I made breakfast if you um… I mean, if you’re hungry?”

 

The vulnerability in his voice was beginning to break down my resolve, but I tried to stand firm. I had to start letting him go, and giving into him was the farthest thing from letting go there was.

 

“Thanks but I’m not hungry.” I croaked my voice still raw from sleep and lack of use. I rubbed my hand up and down my face before sitting up, deciding that I had done more than enough thinking for one morning.

 

“Are you sure?” Harry mumbled, and I could just imagine him biting his lip as he shuffled his feet, but I still refused to look at him. “I made your favorite.”

 

It seemed that my stomach and my mind weren’t in sync this morning, as at the simple mention of potato cakes sent my stomach grumbling in complaint. I glanced down at it with narrowed eyes, but was pulled from my frustration as I heard Harry’s light chuckle. I glanced towards him to see him also staring down at my stomach with an almost fondness to his gaze, and suddenly I saw a flash of what things used to be like, and it made my heart ache. I just wished to go back to that time and fix everything that happened between the two of us. Yet, there was a part of me that was glad that it happened, because if it hadn’t then I’d still be so blissfully ignorant to what was going on in his head, and I’d rather know the truth and be a mess than live with the thought that everything we had was perfect.

 

“Alright, I’ll be there in a bit.” I sighed, giving in to my stomach’s protests while glancing back towards my window and looking at the cloudy morning. It looked like rain was coming our way once again.

 

“Would you like some tea?” I was surprised that Harry was still there, and ended up looking at him once more. His eyes were staring straight at me, and I could see it. I could see the desperation that lay in their depths but I remained impassive, not giving him the comfort he so badly needed. I simply nodded my head, and he then turned away and left as quick as could be.

 

Harry wasn’t one to enter my room, actually I think this was the first time he’d come in here since I’d started sleeping in here. It was almost as if he wished to ignore the fact that this rift between us was slowing turning into a trench that was soon to become an insurmountable ocean. He had been living beside me these last few months without really living beside me. His head was always somewhere else, or at least it was when we were in the same room together. That happened less times than even I would have liked. We were just drifting about but things wouldn’t be able to remain like this. I was slowly trying to gain closure, no matter what the others thought, I was trying to let Harry go. It was just, every single time I got close to doing it something would hold me back. Some part of myself just couldn’t seem to let go of the fact that Harry needed me, and the thought of him needing me, if only slightly, was enough to keep me here. To have me remain in this miserable place I once called home and now looked at as a simple place to rest my head and hide away from the world.

 

My Mum once told me that nothing is permanent in this world, not even our troubles, but God, mine felt never-ending.

 

I got up and slipped on a pair of sweats, before tugging a plain tank top on. That was another thing that had changed. I didn’t use to mind walking around in my boxers, especially if it was just to eat breakfast, but I no longer felt secure around Harry. I had always had my insecurities but now they just seemed to have been multiplied by a thousand.

 

After staring at myself in the mirror for a couple minutes I pulled my shit together and made my way towards the kitchen. The pictures that used to line the short stretch of hallway had been taken down—curtsey of myself—I just felt like a fraud with those up. I had put my family pictures in my room and settled them about the different furnishings in there, but the pictures of Harry and I had been placed in a box and shoved to the back of our coat closet. Harry made no comment on it when he came home after I’d done it, but he noticed, no matter how small his reactions to things were I still caught them.

 

When I entered the kitchen Harry was standing up at the stove, making tea. With his back turned to me I took the empty place at the table and waited in calculated silence for him to notice my presence. Our flat was quiet—almost eerily so—with the only sounds coming from the sizzling of the potato cakes and the hissing of the tea kettle. Goose bumps crawled up and down my arms as if the silence was creating a chill in the air, which was silly to think but I couldn’t help but wonder if our moods were putting a damper on the place as a whole. I could no longer seem to find warmth from any of the rooms, the only place that ever gave me even the least bit of comfort was my bed.

 

“Here you go.” Harry settled a plate down in front of me along with a steaming mug of tea, I sent him a mumbled thank you and dug in, expecting him to return to the stove, but was rather shocked as he took the place directly across from me. “Niall…” Harry sighed, as he began to fidget with his fingers once more.

 

“What?” I questioned, trying my best to keep my worry at bay. Maybe Harry had finally given up on me, it wasn’t like I was the only one who could let go in this relationship, and that thought made it suddenly very hard to breathe.

 

“I just… why won’t you do it?” Harry had still yet to look at me, even though I was willing him to, for once needing to see into those emerald eyes of his. “If Liam is willing to attend these sessions with Louis when they are no longer together why won’t you go with me?”

 

I swallowed hard, trying my best to keep myself steady as I placed my fork back down on the table. I should have known this was why he made me breakfast, I should have known, but of course I let myself think that Harry simply wanted to do something for me. I let my hopes rise once more and he just went and crushed them, again.

 

“I already told you Harry.” I spoke gruffly, trying my best to shadow my hurt to where he couldn’t see it, but I felt like I was failing as he continued to stare at me, I had to glance down as his gaze was too much. He was too much.

 

“Explain it to me Niall, all you said was no. You didn’t give me an explanation; you just helped clean Liam up and then watched the two of them before turning towards me without even looking at me. You couldn’t even look at me and tell me why Niall. You hardly ever look at me anymore, why?” Harry’s voice was beginning to strain and I could feel the onslaught of emotions that were fighting to break free but I kept them down, I kept them at bay.

 

“I’m not going to therapy Harry, it’s as simple as that.”

 

“That wasn’t even my question! Why the fuck won’t you look at me anymore?! Why can’t you just answer that for me real quick?” He was yelling again, but I kept my head ducked, eyes on the table.

 

“I can’t alright?” I gritted, trying to hold onto my resolve, but it was slipping, with each and every second it was slipping away from me and I could feel my head start to tip upwards.

 

“Why?”

 

This time I couldn’t help but lift my head, caught so off guard by the guttural voice that escaped from Harry’s lips. His eyes were rimmed red as he stared at me, his face marred with so much pain that it was almost unbearable to look at.

 

“It hurts.” I whispered, glancing away from him for a quick second to gather my thoughts so that they wouldn’t all come spilling out. “It hurts to look at you Harry, and I don’t want to hurt anymore.”

 

A sob escaped his lips and I glanced back at him to see such agony written across his face. His cheeks were flushed bright red and the tears were flowing down them as if an unstoppable force had gotten a hold of them. I wanted to reach out and comfort him but my arms were glued to my sides as I watched Harry struggle to breathe properly.

 

“I’m sorry, Niall, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean-“ I just held up a hand to stop him, not wanting to hear his excuses anymore. I was done with excuses. “I’m so fucking sorry! I love you, you know that right? You know I love you?”

 

I could no longer continue to look at him as he asked me those questions, because in truth I didn’t know. I didn’t know if he loved me, if he ever loved me. They say actions speak louder than words, but what about when actions and words go together? His words and his actions both spoke volumes to me and I didn’t know how to overcome them I didn’t know what I could do to get past them and believe that he loved me once again. I didn’t know how to believe him anymore.

 

“You don’t, do you?” He choked out, a sob following closely behind. He was slowly beginning to become hysterical, and it was so hard to watch. I knew I shouldn’t have come out to breakfast. I knew this was a bad idea. “Niall please, just please do this one thing for me. If you don’t believe me after six months then I’ll let you stop. I won’t force you to attend, but we need it baby.”

 

I flinched at that, he hadn’t called me baby in so long and it was like a foreign language to my ears.

 

“Harry-“

 

“Niall please, all I’m asking for is a chance, just one more chance to fix us. We need to fix us Niall, I want to fix us.” Harry was still full on sobbing, but he was somehow talking through it, his resolve to keep going outweighing his need to breathe. “I love you Niall, I’ve always loved you, and I miss you. I miss us, I just want it back. I want what we had back.”

 

I slowly lifted my gaze to meet his and what I saw was more than desperation, it was also fear and longing and a whole shit load of other emotions that I never thought I’d ever see from Harry. He was pouring his heart out to me, and my resolve to let him go was slowly breaking. How was I supposed to let what we had go if we were going to counseling? How was that going to fix anything? So we’d talk about our issues and discuss what made us fall so far, but we couldn’t change what Harry had done, what he had said. I couldn’t erase those thoughts and images from my head no matter how hard I tried. It was like they were burned into my brain to remain there forever.

 

“Please.”

 

And with that I was done. I was broken, I was lost, and I wasn’t alone. Harry was right beside me, he was just as broken, just as lost as I was and I found myself nodding my head. I found myself lifting my hand from the table and leaning across it, gently brushing his loose fringe from his face, causing his eyes to widen in shock, mine were probably no better.

 

“Alright Harry, six months, I’ll go for six months.”


	5. Session One: Introductions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let the sessions begin...

**Louis' POV**

 

I felt cold.

 

We were seated beside each other in the waiting room, silence being our only real companions. Liam was tapping his fingers against his thigh in a nervous rhythm. It pittered and pattered and was slowly driving me mad. I itched to reach out and take his hand, to intertwine our fingers like I used to, but I had to control myself. I had to remember where and I was and why I was here. Liam had only agreed to this for one reason: closure.

 

Once he had settled down last week, completely knackered from his bout of nausea, he said he'd do it. I had been ecstatic thinking that maybe, just maybe, he regretted leaving but then he just had to go on. He just had to explain how he needed closure from our relationship and that some professional help might just be exactly what he needed. To say that didn't hurt would have been a lie, but I was hoping he wouldn't get what he wanted from these sessions. I hoped he would find his way back to me instead. And maybe that made me selfish but I didn’t care, I just wanted Liam back.

 

We continued to sit in a tense silence, the only sound being the receptionist typing away on her computer. Harry and Niall didn't have their first session until Thursday which left only Liam and I in the waiting room on this dreary Wednesday afternoon.

 

We were Dr. Malik's last patients of the day and shit, I could feel the nerves buzzing under my skin. This was it; this was my last chance with Liam. I loved him so much and the thought of losing him completely just made me feel numb—cold. It was like I was suddenly being transported back to all those years ago and the thought of reliving that hurt worse than anything. This was one instance in which I wished for the past to not recreate the future.

 

"Alright Mr. and Mrs. Martin, I'll see you next week. Don't forget to do those exercises we talked about." Dr. Malik's voice drifted into the waiting area as his door finally opened and an older couple walked out, both wearing significant frowns upon their brows. Neither responded to the words directed at them and simply made their way to the receptionist, keeping a proper distance from each other, and simply being… cold.

 

I glanced back towards Liam to see him no longer slouched over in his seat, but instead sitting tall and stiff like a board. I started to gnaw on my lip as a way to hold back all these gestures that used to make Liam and I, Liam and I. Not being able to touch him, or hold him, or kiss him or just talk to him was tearing me apart. I missed us.

 

I missed him.

 

"Mr. Tomlinson?" Dr. Malik called as he caught sight of Liam and me. There was a slight smile on his sharp face, yet he remained impassive as he spoke. "Do come in."

 

I tried my best to stand up with as much confidence as I had the last time I was here, but it was difficult. Last time my emotions were running high off of the alcohol I had consumed the night before. My fear of losing Liam weighed greater than my fear of therapy, but now that it came down to it I wasn't sure if I was ready for what was to come. I wasn't sure if either of us were ready for the demons that we were going to unlock behind that door.

 

Liam seemed to pull himself together first, walking towards the door with purpose, not even sparing a glance in my direction. That stung a bit more than I would have liked. I just wanted his comfort, I just wanted to know that he was going to try just as hard as I was, but with each step he took away from me my heart just broke a little more. Liam was here for closure, while I was here for reconciliation.

 

I followed behind him with a tired saunter, my legs feeling as if they were weighted down with heavy chains. Dr. Malik closed the door behind me and motioned towards the sofa on the opposite side of the room, disregarding his desk entirely. I would have felt much more comfortable over there than in the 'therapy corner' as I was dubbing it.

 

The sofa was long and black, the leather resembled that of soft butter and molded to your body as if it were made for you. Liam sat on the far end of the sofa while I took the other end, leaving a very obvious gap between the two of us. I hated that gap, I wanted to burn it down and make sure it never appeared again. But you couldn’t burn what you couldn’t touch, and the gap between Liam and I stretched on for miles, an invisible barrier that had blocked all contact between the two of us. Yet, I couldn’t tear down that wall, because I wasn’t the one who built it up, only Liam could destroy it. We were so close, so in love and for the life of me I couldn't figure out what I had done wrong, what had I done to drive him away?

 

"So, you must be Mr. Payne." Dr. Malik nodded towards Liam, while adjusting the glasses on his nose.

 

"It's Liam." He barked. I simply watched him warily. Liam was always a very irrational person when angry and for whatever reason, he seemed very pissed about being here.

 

"Right, Liam." Dr. Malik handled his anger with the utmost professionalism while penning something down. He glanced up again and this time there was a slight smile on his face. "I'm Dr. Malik, but please do call me Zayn."

 

I nodded my head at him. "I’m Louis, please."

 

"No problem Louis." I glanced down at my lap blushing nervously, I felt like a fool.

 

I was in therapy, all because of my rash thinking and overly tired brain. I just wanted Liam back and now I was acting like a shy child, scared to even look at the man I loved.

 

"Are you even old enough for this fucking job? I swear I thought Louis said we were going to a professional, not some tosser he met in a bar." I snapped my head towards Liam with a bit of a renewed sense of purpose. Liam was being a complete dick and it was all I could do to keep myself calm.

 

"He is a professional Liam, for God's sake!" I scoffed.

 

"Are you blind Louis?! The man doesn't look old enough to have a license, let alone a degree. He can't be much older than us; actually, he looks to be our age." Liam gritted out, his face furrowed into one giant frown. I opened my mouth to argue Dr.—I mean Zayn's case when the man in question spoke up.

 

"I'll assure you Liam I do have my degree, the paper is hanging just over there behind my desk. As for how old I am well, I'm twenty-five, which if my records are correct, puts me as a year older than you." Zayn spoke with such a subdued authority, that even Liam was glancing at his lap in embarrassment, like a child who had been scolded for cheating on a test.

 

“Well Louis’ twenty-six, which means you’re younger than him.” Liam continued to grumble under his breath, and I was about done with it. We were here for help, not to have some petty argument over the bloke’s age.

 

“Liam stop it, for Christ’s sake, just listen to the man.” I huffed, feeling my sense of understanding wane under the pressure of our situation. “He’s here to help you get you’re fucking closure so let him help you.”

 

“Lou I-“

 

“Closure?” Zayn piped up, picking the most opportune moment, if I do say so myself. I was rather frightened to know what words were about to escape from Liam’s mouth.

 

“Uh—well you see…” Liam stumbled over his words, but I couldn’t look at him, so I kept my gaze focused forward on Zayn, as he watched Liam struggle to explain himself.

 

“Liam, I don’t know how you thought that therapy would bring you closure. I need you to be willing to try and work things out: that’s why I’m here. I’m here to help get you and Louis to where you two ought to be. If all you’re doing while we’re here is going to be watching the clock, then I’m certain this is just a waste of your time.” Zayn’s words broke through my thick walls, as he spoke aloud all of my greatest fears.

 

If all Liam wanted from this was to tie up our relationship and move on then this wasn’t going to work. There was nothing else I could think of, nothing else that seemed logical in a way of getting Liam back. I couldn’t force him to try; I couldn’t change his mind no matter what I did or how I did it. Liam had always been stubborn, but it was always offset by his sweet and giving nature. Yet lately the only side of Liam I saw was his cold, hard mask. I couldn’t get past it. I couldn’t get him to take it off and show me what he was truly feeling.

 

Maybe the past did repeat itself; maybe it was a family curse to end like this. People pick up and leave all the time, why couldn’t I just accept that? Why couldn’t I let Liam leave?

 

In the end, everyone was just better off without me.

 

“Louis?”

 

I glanced up to find both Zayn and Liam watching me worriedly. I was rather confused as to why they were so hesitant, and I instantly brought my hand up to my face, thinking there might be something on it. It was ridiculous to think that seeing as I hadn’t even done anything to get something on my face, but I was quite surprised to find my fingers were wet. I wiped my cheeks hastily realizing that I had started crying without my knowledge or my consent. It was almost like I had just betrayed myself.

 

“Sorry, I’m alright.” I put on my best brave face but it seemed I was fooling no one.

 

“Louis I didn’t mean-“ Liam stopped mid-sentence as I glanced towards him, my face void of all emotion, as the numbness began to settle over me. It was a very familiar feeling. I both hated it and relished in it as it settled over me like a snug blanket.

 

“Louis, do you want to talk about it?” Zayn added in, seeing as Liam wasn’t about to open his mouth.

 

“There’s nothing to talk about. He doesn’t want to be here, he’s not going to try anyways, so really it’s just going to be a big waste of everyone’s time.” I stood up, feeling my numb blanket beginning to slip but I tried to grab hold of it, I tried my best to hold it tightly around me as I made my way towards the door. “I’m sorry to have wasted your time Zayn. Thanks for penciling us in, but I don’t think it will be necessary anymore.”

 

“Louis stop!” Liam’s voice shouted across the room, but I just continued on, reaching for the door handle while trying to remember how to breathe. How did I breathe before Liam walked into my life? Was it in and out, or out and in? “I’ll try! For fuck’s sake Louis, I’ll try!”

 

This time I did stop, hardly believing the words that were being thrown my way. Liam was as stubborn as a God damn ox, getting him to bend was like trying to bend reinforced steal with your bare hands. His resolve was unlike any I’d ever seen before in my life, and yet did he really just say he’d try? Did he really just call out to me with such a desperate tone of voice? I turned to my left to see Liam standing up from the sofa and breathing heavy, he looked ghostly white, as if he’d only just seen a ghost himself, but all I could do was stare at him.

 

Liam didn’t do these things, Liam wasn’t acting like himself. He hadn’t been acting himself for a while now, and I don’t know why. It killed me that I didn’t know what was going on in that head of his, and instead of letting me help or asking me for help, or just fucking finding comfort with me, he left. He left me and he didn’t say a thing. He gave no explanation except for the brief ‘it’s not working out’ shit, and then he was gone. He didn’t even give me a chance to fight, and now he was just laying down and giving up?

 

“What?” I choked out, not truly understanding his words, or more like not understanding the actions that followed his words.

 

“I said…” He sighed, raising his hand to run over his face before staring me straight in the eyes. “I’ll try, alright? I’ll give this therapy shit a real shot, just… don’t go.” The last part was a whisper, a fleeting sound that found my ears for a split second before drifting away like that of a dream.

 

I remained frozen for a couple seconds more before moving back towards the sofa. Liam had already taken his seat and was currently staring at the floor. For the first time in what felt like years, but was really only a month, I felt hope. I felt the hope that maybe all wasn’t lost for Liam and I, that maybe he was struggling just as much as I was, and even though I didn’t want him to struggle, the thought of him struggling over me made me happy, if only slightly.

 

“Right, so shall we begin?” Zayn asked, after a few moments of silence, I glanced up at him to find him watching both of us with a placid smile. I simply nodded my head before he continued. “Alright, first off, how are you feeling?”

 

Liam scoffed once more, and I turned towards him with a glare, but he just shrugged his shoulders with a sheepish grin, before turning towards Zayn with a small smile. I am a bit ashamed to say I found my blood boiling in anger as I saw Liam smiling sweetly at someone who wasn’t me, but I did my best to reign in my traveling thoughts.

 

“Sorry, it’s just… you actually say that shit?” Now I was seriously confused, but it seemed Zayn had caught on and was beginning to smirk a bit, biting his upper lip a bit in the process.

 

“It’s a very valid question Liam, even if it is rather cliché.” Oh, that makes more sense. “Back to what I was saying though, how are you both doing? Or rather what have you both been doing since your break up?”

 

I looked down, shamefaced at his words. God, this was certainly not something I ever wanted to admit to, even less so in front of Liam. Everything I had been doing in his absence was pathetic, utterly pathetic and if it weren’t for both Niall and Harry, I’d probably be dead on the side of the road by now.

 

“I’ve been… working and I found a new place…” Liam sounded just as unsure as I did, and I found that small spark of hope start a low simmer, as I thought of what he could possibly mean. I should have probably been focusing more on myself though, seeing as when Zayn redirected the question at me, I blurted out the truth without even thinking.

 

“I’ve been drinking away the nights and sleeping away the mornings, only getting up to make it to my practices on time.” My eyes widened as everything came out, and I felt my cheeks heating up in both shame and embarrassment. I shouldn’t have said that, fuck, I really shouldn’t have said that.

 

“Thank you for your honestly Louis, it’s greatly appreciated and highly encouraged.” Zayn sent me an encouraging smile before turning back to Liam, but I couldn’t look at him. “Liam I hope you’ll come to be just as honest as these sessions continue, but for now I’ll take whatever I can get from you. With that being said, I want to see you improve as the weeks go on, you’re going to have to learn to open up a little more.”

 

I could almost feel the animosity radiating off of Liam, it was like a toxic wave that had just encompassed the entire room. I could practically hear the gears turning in his head, as he thought of some jackass comment to relay to Zayn. Just because he suddenly decided to try didn’t mean he wasn’t going to be the same ole Liam, and well Liam could be a snarky bitch when the time called for it.

 

“I’ll open up when I feel comfortable in doing so, thank you very much.”

 

“So… never?” I spat, remembering all the times Liam would just sit silently around our flat thinking to himself, never once talking to me about whatever was bothering him.

 

Yes, I’m bitter, sue me.

 

“I open up!” He argued, I just looked over towards him and rolled my eyes.

 

“You open up? When? When you’re sitting around all silent, and brooding and upset? I’ve never seen it happen, you're as closed as a damn brick wall Liam.” I spat, my hostile words flowing like poison from my mouth.

 

“I don’t brood! I just don’t have anything to talk about, if it happened then what’s the point of talking about it? It’s not going to change anything, talking only reopens a healed wound. Why would I subject myself to that? I don’t want to relive my pain.”

 

“You’re wrong Liam.” Zayn piped up, speaking before I had a chance to shove my foot into my mouth. I was ready to give him a hug, I was so relieved by his presence. “Talking about something only hurts if you haven’t truly healed yet. For example, when you cut your arm, it will hurt but eventually it will scab over. If you scratch the scab off, then it will bleed again, and hurt even more. But if you wait until it’s healed, to where only a scar remains, scratching it will no longer hurt. It will have just been a distant memory that fades with time.”

 

I smiled smugly at Liam. “See? I told you he was a professional.”

 

“Lou, do us all a favor and shut up.” I just rolled my eyes at him, but did as he requested and turned back towards Zayn, ready to continue on.

 

“Alright, well since this is our first session, it isn’t exactly going to be full length. I have some forms for you both to fill out, and something I would like the both of you to work on this week before returning. Are you up for that?”

 

“Sounds easy enough.” I mumbled, glancing down at my hands in anticipation for what was to come.

 

“Yeah, alright.” Liam sighed, sounding much more level headed than when we first entered the room.

 

“Nancy has your forms out front, just bring them back filled out for the next session.” Zayn glanced down at his notes once more, before smirking a bit mischievously. I could feel myself beginning to get anxious once more as I waited on our week’s assignment. I had heard him mention something about exercises a couple times before so I was all ready to get some yoga instructions.

 

Of course, that couldn’t have been his ‘exercise’ for us, and instead he had to assign us something I was pretty sure was damn near impossible. I mean, I had only done this once before with Liam and it had ended awfully, like full on bad mojo shit. I guess Liam’s thoughts were headed somewhere in the same direction as mine, when he turned and looked at me with wide eyes as Zayn gave us our week’s assignment.

 

 

“Bake a cake together.”


	6. Session One: Evaluations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm not a therapist, don't hold anything against me please. This was my least favorite chapter when I wrote it and I'm still not a big fan...

**Zayn's POV**

Pain.

 

If I had to pick one word to describe the couple that sat before me, it would be pain. Whether it was self-inflicted pain or not, both of these men looked to be in utter agony, though each hid it well. Niall’s showed in his posture, the way he was sat upon the leather couch, leaning in on himself, and away from Harry. His shoulders were hunched over, his face devoid of any emotion, though his left side remained a bit stiff as if just the thought of Harry seated so close to him caused him pain. His blue eyes were dull and hard, like he had put up a shield and wasn’t sure how to take it down, or if he even should take it down.

 

Harry, on the other hand, showed his pain plainly. He fiddled with his thumbs, circling them around each other in a lazy procession. His curls were sitting widely atop his head, while he glanced towards Niall every few seconds, and each time he did he would stare almost longingly at the boy, as if he weren’t seated a few scoots away from him.

 

To say this is what I expected when they first walked in would be a lie. I expected this session to go very similarly to the one I had with their friends yesterday afternoon. So far, it was quite the opposite. They were quiet, reserved and just…hurting. At least Liam had some fire, and Louis was brutally honest. Niall resembled that of a brick wall, and Harry reminded me of a hopeless sailor lost out at sea. It created quite the atmosphere.

 

“Alright, so Niall.” I cleared my throat, trying to exude the confidence every psychiatrist should possess. “Tell me about yourself.”

 

“Like what?” He drawled, his accent sounding stronger in the placid room.

 

“Like, how about your family?” I was going to have to bring out the big guns for this one, I could just tell.

 

“Well they’re-“

 

“This is bullshit.” Harry grumbled, cutting Niall off, and glaring at me. He was tapping his feet on the floor in a fast paced rhythm as he looked towards Niall. “His family is obviously not the problem here. For Christ’s sake, he won’t even look at me anymore. He doesn’t sleep in the same room as me. He doesn’t talk to me, he doesn’t even like standing next to me. There are your fucking problems.”

 

I tilted my head to the side, rather interested in Harry’s outburst, he was angry, that much was clear, but where exactly his anger was directed I was unsure. He didn’t seem to be angry at Niall, nor was he angry with me, it went deeper.

 

“Harry, you aren’t the professional here, so why don’t you just let him do his job?” Niall asked, his voice soft and calming, but Harry was right, he wouldn’t look at him. The pang of hurt that passed through Harry’s eyes was undeniable.

 

“Niall I just—“ He paused, glancing up towards the ceiling before mumbling some incoherent words, and then continued. “I just want to fix this, those things I just listed, they’re our problems. How are we supposed to fix it when all he’s asking is about your family, especially when your family is so perfect and love you so much?”

 

And there it was, the slight quiver to his voice as he said the word love. It wasn’t something that most people would catch onto but it was there. Harry was simply focusing on the surface hurts, and not digging deep enough.

 

“Harry, may I ask you a question?” I interjected, cutting Niall off before he even had time to say anything, to say he looked relieved would be an understatement.

 

“Uh… sure?”

 

“Are you familiar with the late Sigmund Freud?” I bit my lip to keep the smirk off my face as Harry’s scrunched up in confusion.

 

“No, should I be?”

 

“Probably not, unless you’ve had psychology class, which is something, most people take as an elective.” I shrugged, as Harry nodded watching me closely. “Anyways, the man once said Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.”

 

It was then that I turned my full attention back to Niall, who seemed almost just as affected by those words as Harry. His shield had fallen down a bit and his eyes were showing a hint of anger. It was like all the sadness in the room was getting to him, and affecting his emotions in more ways than one. He had sat up a bit taller, and ran his hand down his face in frustration, before he glanced at me and for the first time since being in this room, he spoke of his own accord.

 

“So in retrospect, what you’re saying is that we can’t keep burying our feelings from one another, am I correct?” I nodded my head, quite interested in what Niall had to say next. “Well then you’re going to have to force every single bit of information you want out of that God damned man beside me. He is as willing as a mute to answer your questions.”

 

Harry seemed shocked by Niall’s words, glancing over at him with a shell shocked hurt that breed into defensive actions. Harry turned his full body towards Niall, doing his best to stand firm, as his lips twitched a bit and his eyes began to gloss over. Niall, of course, still didn’t turn to look at Harry.

 

“You want to know something?” Harry quipped, Niall simply glanced down to the floor, not answering Harry’s question. “Ask me, ask me anything and I’ll tell you. I won’t hold back. I’ll tell you whatever you want to know Niall. You want me to be open and honest, well then please, let me be open and honest with you.”

 

“Harry I don’t think-“ Niall started, his words still low and smooth, almost as if he was trying to soothe the curly lad beside him.

 

“No, Niall, for once just don’t think. Don’t think about the consequences of your actions, don’t think about other people, don’t even think about me. Just think about you, think about what you want to know, what you need to know and I’ll answer it. I’ll answer whatever the fuck you want because I’m in this, alright. I’m completely in this, there is no question anymore. There is not a single doubt in my head that I want you, I want us. I know that now, I know because I know what it feels like to lose you, and hell, that is a thousand times worse than what any of these questions could lead to.”

 

Niall looked over towards Harry, seeming completely caught off guard by his outburst. His mouth was slightly parted and his eyes were a little brighter, but that wall was still up. That wall that separated the two, and it didn’t look like it was going to come down anytime soon.

 

“Alright, why did you even ask me out?”

 

Harry didn’t even blink an eye before answering. “Because you’re beautiful and smart, and fun loving. You caught my interest as soon as Louis introduced the two of us, but I was too chicken shit to ask you out for the first two years, even though I wanted to. In the end it was Louis who convinced me you were worth it, and he’s never been more right either.”

 

Niall blinked several times, as if he was trying to get his bearings. It was almost like Niall didn’t expect Harry to answer, like he hadn’t answered it before.

 

“Have you asked that before, Niall?” My curiosity was getting the best of me, plus it was my job to ask questions.

 

“Yeah, only about a million times, but all he would ever do was shake his head, skirt over it, or say I don’t know.” Niall recoiled from the last statement, almost like those words had the power to hurt him, or maybe that they had hurt him before.

 

“Niall, please just let it go. I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry, and I don’t know what to do or say or think to get you to believe me.” Harry’s eyes were beginning to fill with tears, and I can honestly say this was the last thing I expected from the hard headed man in front of me. In life we all have our weaknesses, and I’d say Niall was Harry’s.

 

“I don’t think there’s anything you can say Harry.” Niall mumbled, lifting his hand and rubbing at the back of his neck, as tears began to stream down his boyfriend’s face.

 

“Niall, that’s not going to fix anything.” I reprimanded him, knowing for a fact that the blame game never worked. “If you two want to work your shit out you need to make me a promise alright? And it has to be a promise that you keep.”

 

Harry agreed right off the bat, his head nodded almost without thought as he stared me, no longer looking angry at me, but instead looking to me for guidance and help. That certainly put the pressure on. Niall took a bit longer to agree. He was frowning down at the floor before turning his head slightly to glance at Harry and then finally looking at me. He released a heavy sigh before nodding his head as well.

 

“When you walk through those doors, whatever happened isn’t a taboo subject. Whatever is in your past that you would prefer to stay in your past is probably something that needs to come out. Things that have hurt you, people that have hurt you, those aren’t things you keep hidden from one another. You’re in this together and that means that you have to be willing to be open and honest with one another. I just need you two to promise me that you will do that. It’s going to hurt, but you have each other, you are both here, you are both willing to work your problems out, so you need to open up.”

 

“Opening up isn’t hard to do, at least not for me. That isn’t my problem Dr. Malik.”

 

“It’s Zayn.” I immediately interceded, trying to hold back the cringe as he said Dr. Malik. “Then what’s your problem Niall?”

 

Harry seemed overly interested in this answer, as he turned his full body towards Niall, wiping at his wet cheeks and staring intently at his boyfriend. It was like whatever was to come out of Niall’s mouth was gospel and there was no way anyone was going to convince him otherwise. It was such a mystery what could have possibly happened between the two of them if they seemed to love each other so much.

 

“My problem is him.” Niall pointed towards Harry. “And it’s not what you think it might be, he didn’t beat me, he didn’t hurt me, not physically at least. Instead he reeled me in and I let him. I let myself fall for him so fully and I was the only one. I was the only one who fell and in a sense he never caught me. He allowed me to stay in freefall for so long, and when the shit finally hit the fan he started to act like this. He started to act like a loving boyfriend, and he started to treat me as if I was some fragile object. I fell in love with him, and all he did was stand by and watch. I don’t trust him, I don’t want to love him anymore, but I just don’t know how to let go.”

 

The next thing we heard were Harry’s sobs, and both Niall and I looked over to him in a panic. Niall lifted his hand as if he was going to place it on Harry’s back and soothe him, but he stopped. His eyes grew wide, as if he was imagining some frightening creature eating his arm if he so much as laid a hand on Harry. Eventually the sight of seeing Harry so broken got to Niall as he started to talk to him, trying to soothe him with words instead of actions.

 

“Harry, please stop crying.” He sighed, running his hand down his face once more, before trying again. “Harry, I’m right here. I’m not leaving, alright? I told you six months, and I will hold myself to that alright? You just need to be strong. You need to be able to hear the truth, no matter how much it may hurt.”

 

Harry nodded his head, as he began to try and put himself together. Niall watched him with barely restrained worry. His eyes followed Harry’s every movement and it was strange to see Niall watching Harry, especially when he spent the majority of the time not looking at Harry. Niall’s entire sentiment seemed to change as he watched Harry struggling; it was like he was feeling just as much pain, if not more, than the man seated beside him. It hurt Niall to see Harry struggling, and then it hurt Niall to be near Harry, in a sense Niall was at war with himself.

 

“I’m sorry.” Harry sniffled, wiping at his face, and this time it was he who dared not look at Niall.

 

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for, either of you. This is good, this is honesty and this is what is needed if you want to get things back to where you were, or maybe better than where they once were. It’s the struggles that make you stronger.” I tried to encourage them, but they both seemed so completely spent, neither hearing much of what I was saying.

 

It was their first session, so this was to be expected. I never expected to get quite so deep with them, but then I never exactly know what to expect from new patients. Every person was so different, every situation and issue was born from a past that no one else had experienced, everything could be traced back to an origin I just had to dig to find that place, and once I did they had to learn how to change their habits and ways of thinking. This wasn’t going to be an easy process, it never was, but the end results were worth fighting for. Some people ended up splitting up after these sessions, but it only took about four weeks to figure out which couples those would be. I didn’t stop fighting for them, but I knew it was only a matter of time. Some people were born to fight while others liked easy things, and gave up too easily because of it.

 

From what I had seen Niall and Harry were fighters, and those were my favorite types.

 

“Alright, before we come to a close, I have one last question that needs to be answered before I can assign you your exercise for this week.”

 

“Exercise? Like a work out?” Niall asked, scrunching up his nose in confusion as Harry glanced at him with a small smirk, obviously finding humor in Niall’s cluelessness.

 

“No, not a work out.” I chuckled a bit, doing my best not to make Niall feel uncomfortable, but it seemed he didn’t embarrass easily as he shrugged his shoulders and let out a confused ‘oh’, before settling back into the leather sofa.

 

“Alright lay it on us, Dr. Malik.” Harry quipped, causing me to cough slightly.

 

“It’s Zayn.” I corrected automatically, before continuing on. “Do you two do anything together anymore? Do you cook, watch television, play games, or even sit in the same room for extended periods of time?”

 

Harry gulped audibly, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down in a nervous procession. Niall simply looked forlorn, his eyes dulling a bit, as he stared at me. I had my answer, but I wanted one of them to tell me, I needed them to admit that they were avoiding each other, even if it was unintentional. The truth was, sometimes people do things to protect themselves without even realizing it and well, these two were the definition of unintentional. It seemed that neither was willing to lose the other, but in doing so they were almost losing each other more.

 

“No, we… we don’t do anything of the sort anymore.” Harry finally relented and answered my question. I just nodded as I looked down at my list, trying to decide what would be best for them to do this upcoming week.

 

“Alright.” I said, finally looking up and meeting both of their gazes. “Nancy has forms for you two to fill out over the next week. I want you to be as honest with them as possible, and even the questions that seem irrelevant are actually quite necessary so please don’t skip around.”

 

“Are you going to do some ink blot thing with us?” Niall asked, his voice sounding a bit excited at the thought of ink blots, not that I knew why, they were quite boring if you asked me. It also never really had any relevance to what I was trying to accomplish so I never felt the need to use them.

 

“No… I don’t use ink blots.” I said slowly, and Niall deflated a bit in his seat, as Harry and I watched him in amusement. “Anyways, as I was saying, please make sure you fill them out completely. Before you leave though I do have one request to make of the both of you, and you most likely won’t enjoy it, but this is going to be your exercise for the week.”

 

“You’re purposefully assigning us a task you know we won’t enjoy?” Harry pondered, making a face at me. “Isn’t that like, cruel and unusual punishment or something?”

 

I refrained from rolling my eyes at him. “No, Harry it’s not. These sessions aren’t supposed to be easy, they’re just supposed to help. So as I was saying, I would like the two of you to get out a deck of cards and play go fish.”

 

They stared at me for a minute, not completely understanding their assignment, if the looks they were giving me were anything to go by. This time I couldn’t help but to look down and roll my eyes at the two of them, playing it off like I was simply adjusting my glasses.

 

“Go fish? Isn’t that a children’s game?” Niall asked his accent thickening in distrust.

 

“Yes Niall it is, and there is a reason for it, but first I need you to do your assignment alright?”

 

Niall simply continued to stare at me, befuddled by my request, but before he could say anymore Harry spoke up.

 

“Yeah, we’ll do it.” He said, before mumbling out something that sounded quite like. “Whatever it takes.”


	7. Baking Disasters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I'm going to tell you that songs that go along with the chapters now so here's this one: Take Me Dancing by The Maine

**Liam's POV**

 

"Wait, what's the temperature again?" Louis asked for what could only be the thousandth time. I swear I was going to end up killing one of us before this thing had even started.

 

"Three fifty." I gritted, trying to keep my calm as Louis nodded his head and returned his attention to my oven.

 

This was honestly a disaster waiting to happen. I had woken up this morning to loud, thunderous knocks on my front door. At first I ignored them, but when the knocks didn’t stop and then the phone began to ring, it was all I could do not to break both my phone and the person on the other side of the door. It was Friday morning, and I don’t work on Fridays, so to have someone waking me up at what felt like the fucking crack of dawn was too much. Of course when I glanced at my phone to see it was only a little past six, I realized it was the crack of dawn and that whoever was on the other side of that door was going to get it, along with the person on my phone.

 

I was not a morning person.

 

Sadly, Louis is.

 

“C’mon Liam, wake up! The sun is shining; you need to take a lesson from it love.” I cringed a bit as he called me love, and did my best not to shout at him as he stood in front of my oven doing his best to figure it out.

 

Zayn Malik.

 

I was cursing his name as I stood half asleep in my joggers. I was practically radiating sleep-deprived while Louis was the exact opposite. I knew I should have been more specific as to when we were going to do this baking thing. Trust Louis to think it would come out better at seven in the morning, when the birds were still chirping and the sane people were still sleeping. Louis was never sane, but I at least knew that eight was the earliest time that someone should be forced out of bed on a vacation day. If Louis thought when I said Friday I meant, the moment Friday entered the world officially, he must have never known me. He knew how grumpy I could be when I didn’t get my required sleep, and it was all I could do not to just blow up in his face. It seemed I was really beginning to lose control of my emotions, or maybe I was just losing control in general. Nothing had been going according to plan since I’d fucked shit up with Louis, and I didn’t know how to fix it. I didn’t know how to fix anything.

 

I was just, lost.

 

“Liam, how the hell do you work this damn thing?! Shit, this is not rocket science for Christ’s sakes. What did you do, buy a futuristic stove?” Louis hollered after another couple of minutes with him fiddling with the knobs on the front of the stove. Even I knew how to work an oven; Louis really needed to work in a kitchen more often.

 

“Here, just let me do it.” I sighed, reigning in my annoyance and instead I tried to enjoy the quality time I had with Louis.

 

We hadn’t been alone together in a month and this was…nice. I hated to say it, but I missed Louis and the time we spent together, I really did. He always found some way to make me laugh, even if he’d just pissed me off. He was thoughtful and kind and a bit clueless, but he was Louis. If you had him, you had all of him, just like Niall in a sense. When those two loved, they really loved, it was no wonder they were best mates.

 

“I could have done that.” Louis frowned as I flicked the switch at the back of the stove, instead of the front where he had been turning the burners off and on for the past ten minutes. I just sent him a blank look to which he smiled sheepishly. “Alright, it may have taken a bit longer, but eventually I’d have found the correct switch.”

 

“Most likely after you’d thrown your shoe at it or something.”

 

“Hey! I turned the light off, now didn’t I?” Louis defended himself, while I simply rolled my eyes.

 

“Yeah, after breaking a lamp and knocking over the waste basket. It’s a wonder you’re any good at football, your aim is shit mate.” Louis seemed to take quite the hit from that sentence, as his face fell almost instantly. The bright light that seemed to radiate from Louis dimmed a bit as he glanced at the floor and I just stood there trying to wrack my brain and figure out what I had said to cause such dismay in him. No matter how hard I thought though, I couldn’t find anything wrong with my previous statement.

 

“I never claimed to be a cricket star Liam. I only need to be good with my feet.” He shrugged, turning away from me and facing the monstrous supply of ingredients he brought over for our baking assignment.

 

It was completely ridiculous of course, for him to purchase so many different boxes of cake, but apparently Louis thought we needed the backups just in case we fucked one up, or fifty. He bought ten dozen eggs, four gallons of milk and two gallons of vegetable oil; I think we were set for the apocalypse at this rate. Louis, on the other hand, didn’t see anything wrong with this, he thought it was better to be over prepared than underprepared, and I guess that was a good mindset to have, just not quite to this extreme.

 

“Alright, which cake shall we start off with?” Louis was staring intently at all the different varieties, and if I was to be completely honest, I didn’t even know there were that many possibilities for cake. I always thought it was chocolate, white, or strawberry. Apparently cake had as many options as ice cream these days, though I did find it a bit ironic that there was cake flavored ice cream and ice cream flavored cake, it was like they had confused their identities.

 

This is why I need more sleep.

 

“Chocolate?” I suggested, secretly hoping that if we were to screw up a cake we’d get the chocolate out of the way first. It was always a good idea to save the best for last.

 

“Alright, let’s get this show on the road. Now, where’s your mixer?” Louis turned to me and all I could do was look at him a bit confused. He groaned in frustration. “Are you serious right now? The one thing I was sure you’d have, you don’t?”

 

“Why the hell would I have a mixer? All I cook is toast and boxed meals; I’ve never had one call for one of those things before.” I huffed, finding his pompous attitude overbearing.

 

“Liam, it’s a common kitchen tool. “ He shook his head slightly before looking away with a shake of his head.

 

His forehead scrunched up a bit as he started to think of another solution. I always found him very attractive when he concentrated really hard on something; it was one of my favorite looks on him. I think that’s why I always enjoyed attending his games so often, because it never seemed to be lost from his face as he ran the field, his concentration was flawless. I always found it interesting how different Louis was when he was on the field and when he was off the field. On the field he was like a proper man, acting his age and everything, while off the field he was carefree and blithe.

 

“Do you at least have a whisk?” His head popped up, and I quickly averted my eyes, doing my best not to get caught staring.

 

“Uh… no?” I shook my head as I thought about the last time I’d used a whisk, and well it hadn’t exactly been to cook that was for sure. I’d thought it looked rather interested and decided to use it when I tried planting a vegetable garden once, it didn’t exactly turn out too well. I had learned fairly early on that I didn’t have green thumb.

 

“You’re hopeless.” My gut clenched as he said that, my brain instantly flooding with all the other times I’d been called such things. Not a single time had they been said such light heartedly either, not that it mattered. Those words still brought everything to the surface, and I couldn’t help but to feel myself slowly shutting down. The pleasant morning was coming to a close. “Hold on, I’m going to go ask your neighbor.”

 

Louis was out the door before I could even tell him not to. I’d only just moved in and I didn’t want to be thought of as the neighbor with the pesky ‘friends’ that didn’t know the appropriate hours to knock on one’s door. It seemed Louis thought if he was up, then everyone should be up, which was rather ironic, especially when the mornings came that he was hung over and slept till sun down. I would have followed after him if I weren’t still trying to recover from his earlier statement. Of course I knew Louis didn’t mean it, but then again that wasn’t the point.

 

The point was I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t handle these reoccurring moments where Louis’ words would remind me so much of forgotten times. I just needed to feel like I mattered, I just wanted to feel special, and Louis, he gave that to me, he gave it to me more than any other person and yet still when push came to shove, he could make me feel low. He could knock the wind from my lungs and send my head spinning as I simply fought to keep control.

 

“I got one!” Louis yelled as he reentered my quiet flat. His voice reverberated off the walls like a boomerang and hit me flat in the face, washing over me like cold water. “You’re neighbor’s pretty chill mate, I like him. Though he was half asleep, but he had some sick tattoos covering his arms, and his hair was so orange. I think you’d like him as well.”

 

I just nodded along, hardly listening as Louis continued to talk about nothing and yet everything. I found myself simply watching him as I took the mixer out of its container and poured the chocolate cake mix into the bowl, his smile was smaller than before, and I couldn’t help but wonder if he were nervous. Louis tended to ramble off when he was nervous, something I’d always found adorable, but it had been so long since he’d been nervous around me, it was almost like looking through old pictures only vaguely recalling the moment they were taken, but yet still remembering bits and pieces.

 

“Alright I need two eggs, if you please.” Louis stated, finally beginning to pay attention to the directions on the box he had been man handling not seconds before, trying to open the ‘damn thing’ as he so nicely put it. I grabbed two eggs from the carton and handed them to him carefully, almost sure that they were going to break apart in my hands. They didn’t, but you could never be too careful.

 

“Alright, I saw this on a movie once, and Mum’s done it a bunch of times, not that I paid any attention but yeah, here goes nothing.” Louis shrugs before cracking the egg on the side of the bowl, and of course he does it a /bit/ hard as half of the shell falls into the batter.

 

“I uh… I don’t think that was supposed to happen Louis.” I rubbed at the back of my neck as Louis frowned down at the bowl, before running his hands through his hair, getting bits of egg all in it. “Uh, Lou? I don’t think you should run your hands through your hair while baking…”

 

He turned towards me with wide eyes, before he went charging over towards the sink and stuck his head under the tap, turning it as high as it could go. He ran his hands through his hair rapidly, getting the remaining bits of egg off of him. I just watched in barely contained amusement as I sucked on my bottom lip as a way to hold back my laughs.

 

“Well, I’d say that’s one cake down.”

 

*+*+*+*

 

To say Louis and I were bad at cracking eggs would have been an understatement. We ruined three boxes of cake before we finally decided to google a video on it. It may seem a bit childish, but we were in desperate need of help and it was already nine thirty in the morning. We’d spent plenty of time trying to salvage each box, but in the end we gave up trying to pick each little piece of shell out of the dish. It turns out, most people suggest cracking eggs in a separate bowl so as to catch the find the shell pieces easier and pull them out. It took us another twenty minutes to get all the shell bits out but we were finally ready to add something besides eggs to our mix.

 

“Alright, you get the water, and I’ll do the oil, yeah?”

 

I found it oddly sweet how precious Louis was being with everything. He was taking charge and getting things done, as if this was the most important thing in the world. He was putting almost as much effort into this cake baking shit, as if it was our relationship. I felt an overwhelming amount of guilt as I thought of Louis’ face the night I left him. He had just come home from a meeting with the team and I was already packed and ready to go. He was exhausted, but as soon as his eyes caught hold of my bags it was like he’d just been hit with a shot of caffeine. He was alert and wide awake, frowning a bit as he tried to recall if I had some trip planned.

 

I didn’t, and once that hit him all hell broke loose.

 

“You know, I hope we actually get to eat this one.” Louis sighed, as he poured the vegetable oil into the bowl, I glanced down, silently agreeing with him as the pink mound stared up at us. “There’s just something about strawberries…”

 

Louis trailed off, and our thoughts seemed to be in sync for once as we both were sent back in time to a perfect day, the day that changed everything for us. I caught myself smiling as I began to remember all the stunts Louis had pulled that afternoon, none of them worked, until he finally suggested ice cream both opting for the strawberry cone.

 

Then reality came slapping me in the face.

 

That was the past, and the past was supposed to remain in the past. I suddenly realized what Louis was doing. He was slowly bringing up our past and trying to make me remember all the good times we had together. We had plenty so he could go on for days, but the thing was we weren’t together. We had broken up, and more precisely, I had broken it off with him. I had chosen this path, and he was trying to take it away from me. He was trying to lead me back to him, but I couldn’t do that. I wouldn’t do that.

 

I had too much to lose.

 

“Shall I mix it?” I offered, cutting Louis out of his daydream and sending him spiraling back to earth in a confused daze.

 

“Uh, sure, go for it.”

 

I walked towards the mixer and patiently waited for him to move out of the way. He did so slowly, watching me carefully in the process, I left my gaze on the mixer, not daring to meet his gaze for fear of losing myself in them. I turned it on high and got to work, trying to move the process along as it was now nearing ten. Louis had been here for going on four hours, and baking was not supposed to take that long. I just wanted to get this damn assignment over and done with and have time to myself to sort out my issues. Trying to sort anything out while Louis was around was simply setting myself up for disaster. He was the problem, not the solution.

 

“Where’s the cake pan?” I mumbled, slowly turning the mixer off, as Louis handled me the dish he’d purchased from the store, a simply metal tin that was easily disposable. “Thanks.”

 

I poured the batter into the dish before putting it into the oven to bake, finally feeling a bit of relief, until I looked at my kitchen. There were messes everywhere. The counter, the floor, the rubbish bin, nothing was safe from our copious hands.

 

“Now we wait.” Louis said, pulling me from my head once more. “Want to clear up now?”

 

I just nodded, still not meeting his eyes, and I think he was beginning to catch on. His mood was changing right alongside mine. His bubbly voice was silenced as we got to work cleaning up our mess. It didn’t take long between the two of us, and once that was all down we had nothing to distract ourselves from each other. I just wanted to be alone, I just didn’t want to have to be around Louis right now, not anymore.

 

“Liam, what? What did I do? Please, please just tell me.” His voice was raising, not in a yell so much as in desperation.

 

“It’s nothing Louis, alright. You didn’t do anything.” I told him, as I walked out of the kitchen heading towards the front room.

 

“I obviously did something Liam, you’re doing it again. You’re becoming… this closed off man that left me all alone. Why Liam, why’d you leave? What did I do?” Louis’ voice was breaking, but his face was intact, not a single tear rolling down to betray his emotions.

 

“Louis, I can’t alright. You won’t understand.” I told him, trying my best to not sound too harsh, but my tone was sharp and cutting and I knew it hurt him, I just knew it, because I knew Louis. I knew him inside and out and I loved him for it. Yet, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stay, I would have lost myself if I had.

 

“I don’t care Liam, I don’t care if you think I won’t be able to comprehend what the fuck I did to drive you off. I don’t care Liam, I just need to know. Just please, just tell me.” Louis’ voice was hitting all the pitches of a musical choir and I was trying not to snap at him, I was trying to be calm and kind and caring, all the things I’d always been with Louis, because he made it so easy to be, but when he was like this, when he was pushing me, my other side seemed to come out.

 

“No Louis, alright, no. I couldn’t be with you any longer, that’s all you need to know. I couldn’t do us anymore. That’s it. That’s the cold, fucking hard truth. Jesus Christ.” I hissed, taking my anger for myself out on Louis, just as I’d been doing to Niall.

 

I’d never been more thankful to hear a knock on my door as I was in that moment. I jumped as quick as could be and raced towards the door as fast as I could without making it too obvious, not that Louis would have been fooled. I pulled the door open and was happily surprised to find Niall on the other side. He looked tired, exhausted even and I immediately ushered him inside. When he caught sight of Louis on the sofa he brightened a bit more, but not nearly as much as he should have, seeing as he was Niall and all.

 

“Ni, mate, what’s wrong?” Louis hopped up, running to his side in a haste.

 

“Just didn’t sleep too well last night was all, nothing to worry about.” He brushed it off, but I wasn’t fooled, and I’m willing to bet Louis wasn’t either.

 

“Niall, you look half dead, I’d say that’s something to worry about.” I refuted, leading him towards the sofa and helping him sit down.

 

“Don’t worry about it. Anyways, am I interrupting something? I can come back later…” Niall trailed off as he glanced between the two of us, curiosity burning into his face.

 

“No, don’t worry about it Ni, I was just leaving.” Louis smiled sadly and gave Niall a quick hug before walking towards the door. I followed closely behind, both relieved and saddened with the thought of him leaving me. “I’m sure you can manage to frost it yourself. Thanks for humoring me Liam, I know you didn’t want to do this, so just… thanks.”

 

“I didn’t mind Louis.” I said, trying to reassure him, but it didn’t seem to do anything as he just smiled small and turned around, before turning his head once to leave me with a parting word.

 

“Actions speak louder than words.”

 

 

I watched him in silence as he walked past the elevators and headed towards the stairs instead, disappearing faster than I would have liked. I didn’t mean for today to turn into such a mess, I just—I don’t even know anymore. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to fix us, or if I should even try and fix us. Louis would be better off without me, but I was beginning to wonder if I would be better off without him.


	8. Using the Fish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Song: To Make you Feel My Love by Mick McAuley & Winifred Horan

**Harry’s POV**

 

I was sat at our table, just tapping my fingers on it in a nervous procession. Niall was supposed to be home ten minutes ago, but of course he wasn’t. He avoided coming home almost as much as he avoided talking to me. I often wondered if he was doing it simply as a way of self-preservation. I’d hurt him, hell that was no secret, but in the process he’d learned that staying away from me was the safest bet for him.

 

God did that kill me.

 

I was stupid, I was an idiot, and I was a coward. I lost, or almost lost if you can even consider what we have right now a relationship, him. I haven’t held his hand since the end of October. I haven’t kissed him since the end of September and the last time I felt his skin flush against mine was long before that. I ruined us, I know I did. I did this, and I know it now. I’ve known that I was at fault, Liam and Louis both made that blindingly clear. I just wasn’t sure how to fix it, how to fix us. Then Louis, thank God for Louis Tomlinson and his big mouth and his rash decisions because for the first time since I saw the wall come up between Niall and I, I saw hope. I didn’t want to do it, hell why would anyone want therapy? Then what Louis said, what he did, what I saw that day, it all hit and it hit hard.

 

Niall he was my reason, he was my salvation.

 

I heard the click of the front door before I saw him, and as soon as he walked in a swell of guilt churned around in my stomach, though it was also accompanied by an insane amount of worry. He looked awful, dreadful even. There were dark purple marks under his eyes, and almost surrounding them. His roots were growing out a bit longer than he usually let them get, while his eyes just seemed empty. I wanted to go to him, to hold him close and slowly rock him to sleep, but I knew I couldn’t do that, not yet at least. He dropped his keys on the side table, too oblivious to my presence. I just continued to watch him silently, catching sight of the way he gripped his stomach with a frown on his face. I studied him like I once studied my science projects in school. Eventually though, I got tired of being so close to him, but so far away at the same time, but at least when I talked to him I knew he was thinking of me.

 

“Niall?” He turned towards my voice, and sent me a small, weary nod, the whole time staring right past my head.

 

“Hey Harry, what are you doing?” He furrowed his brow a bit confused about me sitting at the table with literally nothing in my hands.

 

This was it, this was my chance. He had just asked me a question and I could finally say what I wanted to say. He had just opened the door and I felt like this could be a changing point in our relationship. Maybe we could finally start talking to one another again. I missed talking to Niall, I missed hearing him laugh at me or seeing how excited he was just to live. He was a ray of sunshine and I missed that, I missed the light in him that seemed to have disappeared almost completely now. It was my fault; no one could convince me differently. I put that light out with my selfish ways and thoughtless actions, if only I would have realized what it was that Niall brought into my life before he took it out of it.

 

“I went to the store today, and as I was walking down the craft isle I found something.” I blushed a bit as I pulled the petite box from beside me on the floor. Inside it were four different decks of cards, one regular set, one children’s crazy eights, one old maid, and one go fish.

 

I about jumped out of my skin when I caught sight of the last one.

 

“Harry… why did you buy a children’s play set?” Niall sighed, only taking in the exterior, not paying the least bit of attention the decks that were proudly exclaimed on the front.

 

“Well uh—Zayn said…” I trailed off blushing like mad, and no longer able to look at Niall’s tired, yet handsome face.

 

“What does old maid have to do with anything?” His nose scrunched up, causing his entire face to morph into one of utter confusion, it was beyond adorable and sent my heart beating wildly in my chest, just as it always had.

 

“It doesn’t, they were just extras.” I shrugged setting the box down before slowly opening it. “I just thought, that ya know, we could play a round of Go Fish today? I mean, I didn’t know for sure when you wanted to do it, but I just thought that the sooner the better, and since it’s a quick game we could maybe even play it a couple times. You don’t have to do it right now if you don’t want to though because I know-“

 

“Harry.” Niall cut me off, tearing his eyes from the wall behind my head and meeting my gaze head on. “Breathe.”

 

I stared intently into his dull blue eyes, feeling the tears beginning to sting at my eyes, but I fought to hold them at bay as I did as he said. I took a couple deep breaths calming not only my nerves, but also my eyes from spilling over. If I started crying all the time Niall would start to think I was being insincere, and that was the last thing he needed to think. He already had a lot of shit to think about me, but I never wanted him to think I wasn’t sincere, especially when it came to him.

 

“Sorry.” I whispered, feeling immensely overwhelmed with everything that was running through my head. “Do you want to play a round with me?”

 

I held my breath, trying my best to keep my heart in my chest as it beat about like a madman. Niall glanced away from me and back towards the clock, he started to chew on the inside of his cheek and I could practically hear the gears turning in his head. I wanted to spend time with him again, and it was in that moment that I realized just how much. The thought of him saying no was almost unbearable, which was silly, it was just a game, a game that could be played at any time, and almost anywhere. It wasn’t like it was now or never, it was just now or later, but sometimes later became never and never was exactly what I was afraid of.

 

“Alright, just let me get changed.”

 

One thing I could always seem to count on when it came to Niall was hope. He gave me hope time and time again, and I could have kissed him a thousand times because of it. If he wasn’t so against me touching him I would have probably done just that. I would have kissed every inch of that man, because I loved every single piece of him, from the top of his head to the tips of his toes. I just wish I would have known that earlier, I wish I would have loved Niall like I should have when I should have. I had blamed my insecurities on many different things, but in the end they were my own burdens, and I was the one left to deal with the repercussions of my own actions. It wasn’t anyone’s fault but my own and Niall was the poor bloke who got caught up in the cross fires of my fucked up ways of thinking.

 

“You know,” Niall began as he took the seat across from me. “You could have just used one of the decks of cards we already had. It doesn’t take special cards to play Go Fish.”

 

“Oh.” I blushed scarlet, looking down at the deck of cards I now held in my hands.

 

They were cute, there were blue fish lining all across the back while each face card had an animal on the front. A for alligator and so on, the match was the baby version of both the animal and the letter… I guess I could see why this was a children’s edition. I had only ever played Go Fish with assigned Go Fish cards though, so the thought of playing Go Fish came hand in hand with specific cards. Plus it had additional sets of cards, who was I to pass that up?

 

“It’s alright Harry, they’re cute.” Niall tried to reassure me, and that almost made me feel more guilty.

 

When we were in this mess because of me, and yet here Niall was, comforting me, it always came back to me. Could I honestly do nothing right anymore?

 

“Thanks, let’s start shall we?”

 

I dealt out the cards, but began to lose focus. My mind was going into overdrive, how do I do this? How do I talk to Niall now? What was there to talk about? I could ask him about his day, but was that too impersonal? It felt like the pressure on me had tripled since the last conversation I had with Niall, which honestly wasn’t saying much seeing as the last thing I had talked to him about was where he was going and when he’d be back. They were simple questions, but they were empty, meaningless. None of the words I’d spoken to him had meant anything since our session on Thursday. I needed to get back to where we were on Thursday, maybe not so deep, but at least to get the conversation going again.

 

“Got any C’s?” Niall asked, looking down at his hand curiously. I glanced through mine and found the corresponding cat, before passing it to him, but I didn’t let it go, instead I decided to set my plan in motion, it was now or never it seemed.

 

“How about we make things a little more interesting?” I suggested, my voice coming out strong and confident, while inside I was a bundle of nerves fighting to make their way to the surface.

 

Niall glanced at the card with a frown, before letting it go, and for the second time that evening he looked at me. “How are we supposed to do that?”

 

It was working, slowly but surely I was pulling Niall towards me, granted he was still miles away, but this was progress. Had it been a few weeks before he would have flat out been against doing anything with me, instead he would have gone to his room and locked himself in. It wasn’t enough that there was a rift between us that could have crossed the whole of London, but then he wasn’t even sharing the same room as me anymore. I missed smelling him on the sheets, or simply having his heat warming up his side of the bed, our bed. We had amazing times on that bed, and not all of them were sexual either, we’d laughed and cuddled and sang and been in love. I was a bit embarrassed to admit, that I’d once stolen one of his pillow cases before he’d washed it and snuggled up to it for a few days until his scent had disappeared entirely. When that would happen, I would just go out and find something else that smelled like him, so in a sense I was always sleeping with a piece of Niall close to me, no matter how small.

 

“Twenty questions.”

 

“What?” Niall was almost too cute when he was confused like that, and tonight he just kept making that face. I had to use every single ounce of control in my body to stop myself from reaching across the table and kissing that confusion right off his face, though I doubt my kiss would do that anymore, at least to him.

 

“Every time you get a card from my deck, you get to ask me a question and vice versa.” I motioned between the two of us, trying to seem as casual as I could but it wasn’t easy to do, because I felt anything but casual about this.

 

“Will you answer them?” He frowned, staring down at his deck of cards.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Really?” He seemed surprised, as if I would suggest this game and then not follow through on it.

 

“Yes, really.”

 

If answers were what Niall needed to start believing in me again, then it was answers he was going to get. I’d made that mistake before, and I wasn’t doing it again. I would do anything for the man seated across from me and it was about bloody time he knew that.

 

“Alright then, I guess that’s fair…” He cleared his throat as he reached for the card, this time I handed it over without protest. “Do you want one right now?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Alright then, um…why were you so hesitant about introducing me to Gemma?” He would start out with that question. He was Niall, so I don’t know why I expected anything different.

 

“Because, well you met her, you know how she is. She’s so free and she jokes about like no one’s business. And well, I just—I was afraid that maybe… you’d like her more than me.” I mumbled out the last bit, but it seemed it was no use, Niall had heard me anyways.

 

“You’ve got to be joking!” He choked, his voice raising in disbelief, and I was willing to bet he was staring me down rather intently, but I couldn’t look at him, I was too embarrassed. I knew it was silly, even back then I knew how stupid it was but Niall was mine. I wanted him to remain mine. “Harry, I’m gay you shit head, obviously I wouldn’t like her better than you, honestly ya cunt!”

 

I jerked my head up, caught completely off guard by Niall’s swearing, he hadn’t done that in so long. He hadn’t been that vocal in front of me since the session with Zayn and even then he had been polite about it, watching his language. Niall was never one to watch his language so just hearing him cuss around me sent my heart soaring, a weird reaction but it was like I’d just received a little piece of Niall back, my Niall.

 

It seemed I wasn’t the only one who caught his slip up, Niall was staring at me wide eyed, and his eyes were bright, the first bit of emotion I’d seen run through them in months but what I saw wasn’t anything close to what I wanted. Fear, there was an unimaginable amount of fear in his eyes as he continued to stare at me, as if I was the devil himself come to drag him down to hell.

 

God that hurt, suddenly everything just hurt.

 

“Niall—“ I tried, but he just held up his hand, squeezing his eyes shut tightly. I would have given anything to know what he was thinking in that moment, but I was almost glad I couldn’t. They were sure to be painful, especially if his face was anything to go by.

 

“It’s your turn.” He gritted out, opening his eyes slowly, looking towards the cards instead of at me.

 

I sat for a minute longer just watching him, but he didn’t look at me again. My eyes began to burn but I pushed the feeling aside glancing down at the animals in my hand, and going with a random one.

 

“Do you have any Narwhals?”

 

And the game continued on just like that, card for card, question for question, each less significant than the last. I was starting to lose hope again, I had thought this all through, I had planned everything so carefully and then nothing came of it. Instead all I was left with was a closed off Niall and only seven pairs in comparison to Niall’s fifteen. The cards were dwindling and my chances were becoming slimmer and slimmer. I had to make my next question count. I had to make it good, and meaningful, and thought provoking. Niall needed to think about this night after it was over; he needed to think about us and all the good times we had shared. He needed to let loose and love me, even if it was just in his memories.

 

“Here you go.” Niall handed me over his baby bear, and I went for it.

 

“What’s your favorite memory of us?” Niall stopped what he was doing, freezing mid scratch as he stared down at the table.

 

He didn’t want to answer me, that much was easy to understand from his lack of movement, but I was just hoping he was at least sorting through all the good moments we had, maybe he even remembered our short trip to Germany last year. There were so many options, and I was waiting rather anxiously for his reply. We hadn’t made any rules about what would happen if either of us refused to answer a question but I hoped beyond hope that he wouldn’t pass. I didn’t know what I would do if he passed. Every part of me was riding on this question.

 

Just when I thought he wasn’t going to answer he began, and that was another reason I loved him. He answered my questions; he did it no matter what.

 

“It wasn’t a special day or anything. We’d both had long weeks at work, and I was feeling particularly exhausted. I’d come home with only the thought of falling into bed and never getting up again, but when I walked through the door you were standing there. You were right beside the sofa, your back was to me and you were staring at the wall, I wasn’t sure what you were looking, but I walked over to you with a weary pace. It wasn’t until I reached the spot beside you that I saw it. You’d wrecked the kitchen completely.”

 

My eyes began to tear up as I recalled the exact memory he was talking about. He wouldn’t be the Niall I fell in love with if he picked any other moment.

 

“You weren’t one to mess up the kitchen, that was Louis and Liam’s thing, not ours. I was rather frazzled as I stared inside wondering what in the world you’d done to cause such a mess. You didn’t notice me right away but when you did, you turned beat red and I was still not getting it. You looked down at the ground shuffling your feet like you do and twiddling your fingers.” Niall smiled a bit, as tears splashed down his pale cheeks. His eyes were glossed over and I was willing to bet his were just as red as mine if not more so.

 

“Turns out you’d been trying to make me a facial scrub, but things had gotten a bit out of control. You were going to give me an in home spa day, as a way to relieve some of the stress from my shoulders, even though you’d had just as long a week as I did. We didn’t end up doing anything though, and instead we ordered some pizza and cuddled into each other in our bed, putting on some reruns of Seinfeld. It was simple and easy, but it showed me you cared, and that was all I’d ever wanted. I just wanted you to care.”

 

Niall’s eyes were full on watering now, and mine weren’t any better as he stood from his seat. He glanced down at our game left forgotten on our table, but he didn’t seem to be bothered with it. He just stared down on it for a minute, as if staring through the table. Then he glanced at me one last time, and there was a bit more light in his eyes, something that gave me a slice of peace, for now at least.

 

“Goodnight Harry.”


	9. Don't Stop

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just Keep Breathing by We The Kings

**Louis' POV**

 

"Tomlinson! You have a visitor; get your ass out of here!" I groaned as the coach's words made their way over towards me. I was still rather sore from out previous practice-not thirty minutes ago-but I wasn't one to complain about leaving the sweat filled locker room.

 

"Alright coach, see you Thursday!" I yelled as I made my way out of the locker rooms, my mood dropping along with the temperature.

 

Ever since Friday's incident with Liam I'd felt rather under the weather. It wasn't even my health that was feeling bad it was just, well me. I felt sick inside and out, and I was slowly wondering if maybe, well maybe this wasn't the right decision. Maybe Liam was right, maybe we weren't meant to be.

 

"Louis." I glanced up as I heard his voice, my curiosity peaking when I caught sight of Harry all cozied up outside my work. It was rather unusual for him to stop by after practice, this was usually something only Niall did, and Liam used to do it too of course, but he didn't anymore.

 

I sauntered over to him, sending him a simple nod in acknowledgement. I tried to study his face and understand what exactly was going on, but he gave nothing away. He was neither overly happy nor was he beyond console, though if he was I doubted he would come to me, Liam was the more understanding one. Plus I had a feeling whatever Harry wanted with me wasn't exactly something he would go to Liam for, whether that was because Liam had been a bit anit-Harry lately or if it was just because he couldn't discuss this something with Liam, I wouldn't know.

 

"Harry, what are you doing here?" I got right to the point not feeling the need for petty chit chat that neither of us were up to lately.

 

"I just needed to talk to you about something."

 

So in other words, he needed to talk to me about Niall. It was always this way; Harry came to me to discuss all things Niall, when in all reality he should be going to the source. I often wondered if Harry even realized how deeply Niall's feelings for him went, I mean that boy was fighting with every ounce of his being to trust Harry again, and I know it may not come off that way to others, but I saw it. Niall loved Harry, and it was because of that that he was still there, he was still fighting to let it go, even though I'm sure he'd also thought about simply letting Harry go. It was a possibility, but Niall was a fighter, and God damn it he would put up one hell of a fight before leaving, it was just that this battle wasn't one anyone could help Niall with. His fight was with himself, and it was breaking him down, if what I'd seen lately was anything to go by.

 

Niall was slowly tearing himself apart.

 

"Alright mate, let's go get something to eat then, I'm starved." I was too, and it wasn't like I was going to be going home to a nice warm meal. Liam wasn't there anymore, so the point in going home was pretty much pointless. What was the point in going home when I had no one to go home to?

 

We went to a small café down the street, nothing too fancy, but big enough that we had complete privacy. This wasn't usually something I worried about but with the way Harry was glancing around anxiously I decided it was for the best. I think he noticed my slip in behavior as time went on. I was usually so bubbly but today I was acting like a mute with a bad case of frustration at the world. Thankfully Harry waited until our food arrived to start on the hard shit. At least the dick was thoughtful, even if he didn't often think things through.

 

"Louis, I don't what to do next." Harry sighed, nibbling at the chips on his plate, while staring intently down at the table.

 

"What do you mean Harry?" I frowned, taking a big bite of my chicken sandwich during the process, savoring every little morsel that touched my tongue. God it felt amazing to eat something that wasn't in a box first.

 

"Niall." I rolled my eyes, obviously. "He's just, Louis it's like he's wrapped himself up so tightly into this cocoon of thoughts. I don't know how to break him out of it. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to get him to start sharing things with me again. I thought I made progress on Friday night when we played that one round of Go Fish, but it did nothing."

 

I stared at him for a minute, doing my best to just think through every single word that had spouted form his mouth. I tried to concentrate on the matters that were most important to Harry but for some reason there was just one thing I couldn't get past.

 

"Go Fish?" I choked out, a chuckle escaping from my lips without permission.

 

Harry sent me a much deserved glare. "Yes, Lou it was our exercise for the week. I'm sorry if it doesn't pass your fucking approval, but shit it was... great. It was the most I'd spoken to Niall in one sitting about anything in forever. I'll admit, I was a bit skeptical at first as well, but then when we just started playing it just... all fell into place. Or at least it did but for some reason, I don't know Louis something spooked him. He looked so frightened and all I could do was sit and stare. I couldn't take that fear away, if anything I was the cause of it."

 

Harry glanced away, holding his head up and squeezing his eyes shut. I knew that look all too well, I used it myself on many occasions. It was easier to try and push the tears away than let others see them fall.

 

"What happened before he shut down like that?"

 

He sniffed a bit, but turned his head back down towards me. "He uh, he'd just laughed at me and cussed me out for being stupid, but it wasn't in a bad way it was in a Niall way ya know?"

 

I could only stare at him, completely shocked that Harry had knocked down Niall's wall so quickly. Niall had built that thing so thick that I wasn't sure if Harry would ever be able to find a way in again. It was no wonder the lad was frightened, my God if I had been Niall I probably would have ran away.

 

"Harry, are you stupid? Do you ever use your brain for anything besides stupidity?" I huffed grabbing my drink and taking a sip before continuing on. "Niall let you in, don't you see? He let you in not completely not purposefully, but he did it. You broke through for a second, and that frightened him. That would frighten anyone, but Niall he's been trying so hard to forgive you, to trust you, but it's not easy. It's probably one of the hardest things he's ever attempted, because when Niall loves, he loves and when you betray that love... it's not something easily fixed."

 

Harry nodded his head, listening intently to every word that escaped my lips. I wasn't sure what exactly I was expecting from him. I thought he might have been stunned, maybe these words were foreign to his ears, but it seemed I was only confirming what Harry already knew.

 

"He did more than just that Lou." Harry breathed, his eyes becoming distant as he was transported back in time, accompanying the memory with not only his thoughts, but his presence as well. "He told me about a memory, his favorite memory of the two of us. I don't know why I didn't see it before you know? Niall's always been simple, but for some reason I never registered that. I don't think I was able to comprehend it or something. What it came down to was that I cared, he just wanted me to care Louis. How do I show him I care?"

 

I suppressed a groan as I stared at Harry. He was paying good money for a therapist but he still couldn't help bothering me with incessant questions. If I knew all these answers I'd have become a fucking psychologist as well. Alright, that's a lie, I lived and breathed football and making it professionally was the second best thing that ever happened to me, the first of course, being Liam.

 

Liam, God damn it, I didn't know what to do about him anymore.

 

"I don't know Harry, you have a shrink for a reason." I growled, suddenly feeling very burdened as I bit into my sandwich with all the grace of a shark. I most likely looked primeval as I chewed angrily on the poor defenseless piece of meat.

 

I could feel his heavy gaze on me, but I ignored him, instead deciding to focus on other things, more important things-like the new recruits, they seemed promising but-oh who was I kidding? Like I was honestly going to be able to think about anything but Liam when I wasn't at work? That was like asking me to change into a wolf as soon as I entered the forest, completely impossible.

 

"What was your exercise for the week?" Harry asked me, pulling me out of my thoughts, thankfully.

 

"We baked a cake." I mumbled, knowing just how ludicrous that idea seemed. Liam and I in the kitchen was about as good an idea as Liam and I joining the Miss USA pageant.

 

"What the actual fuck? Did you tell him that you guys are a danger to all humanity when you try and make something from scratch?! My life was in danger and you didn't even warn me, some mate." Harry grumbled, but I just rolled my eye and flicked a chip his way, causing a smile to appear on his face. "So, how did that go?"

 

I sighed, rolling the thoughts around in my head. How did it go?

 

"It went fine...for a while." I mumbled, trying to really wrap my head around the entire situation. It wasn't exactly easy to do, and while I may have arrived with excitement lingering in my bones, I left with a heavy heart.

 

"What do you mean Lou, don't tell me he did something strange again." Harry countered, knowing Liam almost as well as I knew Niall, and yet even he seemed confused by Liam's recent actions.

 

According to the entire world, Liam and I were perfect for each other. We fought, we laughed, we loved, and when push came to shove we were there for each other. I had met his family, he had briefly met mine, it wasn't the best situation at first, but eventually everyone got on well enough. It was more my family than Liam's family that was the problem, but then again having six younger siblings was a bit of a hassle in and of itself, let alone bringing a fucked up family situation into the mix. My family didn't exactly understand Liam, they thought he was rigid and a control freak, while I simply saw a man who was for once put together and had organization skills that went far beyond the usual person. Yet, he was also loving and carefree and just, Liam.

 

"He just-shut me out. He did that thing where he simply disappears right under my fingertips and I could see it happening, but I didn't know how to reverse it. I don't know how to pull Liam back out of his hole Harry." I looked down at my lap once more, knowing Harry wasn't going to particularly like what I had to say, but I had to talk to someone about it. "I think, maybe... I should just quit."

 

He didn't take it well.

 

"What the fuck Louis?! I thought you were the one who was all for fighting! What happened to that resolve Louis? Where did it go?!" Harry was spitting questions out left and right and I was having trouble keeping up with the magnitude of them. "Did you suddenly stop loving him? Have you decided he's not worth the trouble? Has someone else caught your eye? What's your reason?"

 

I stared at Harry for a long while, thinking every question through. I believed that most of them were rhetorical but I thought the answers through anyways, what harm would that be?

 

"Harry, I just..." I stopped picking through my words carefully, knowing that the next statement could change things forever. Not between Harry and I but with the advice Harry was likely to give me afterwards. "He doesn't want me around him. It's so obvious and it hurts mate, I don't want to force myself on him. I want him to want me around, just like he used to you know?"

 

Harry stared at me intently for a few minutes, hie eyebrows furrowed together, like what he was thinking was rather hard to put into words. I just sat patiently and waited for him to hit me with his best shot. It took him a moment but when he spoke I found myself throughly annoyed.

 

"Lou, you can't quit. You can't just give up on him like that. Whatever Liam's going through, it's major and we have to help him by being there for him. You leaving him won't help him any, you just have to push through." Harry's words were precise and straight to the point but it wasn't his words I had a problem with but the manor on which he was speaking.

 

"Are you telling me this because you know how it feels? Because you feel like Niall's going to up and quit any moment? Or are you telling me this because you actually believe that Liam needs me, wants me even?" My voice was low and I tried my best to remain calm.

 

Harry's face paled a bit, but I didn't make any rash decisions, unlike usual, as I waited for him to pull himself together. He started to twidle his thumbs about and I knew whatever he was about to say was very important to him, whether it hurt me or not. Niall was very important to Harry and I could see that, even before the two of them started dating. Harry was simply smitten by Niall, but it wasn't often that people weren't taken with the Irish fellow who had loved life and the simple joys that it brought with it.

 

"Is it so bad that I want you to continue fighting for Liam because it gives me hope? It gives me a small ounce of hope that while you're fighting for Liam that Niall won't give up on me. I know it would make more sense if he just did, I know I'm not worth it. I'm not really, but for some reason Niall stayed, he's stayed this long and I just want to finally get him back. You are his best mate Louis, if you were to give up what hope would Niall have? Yes that is my biggest fear, but I think you forget that I do love Liam as well, just like you love Niall. He's my best mate and I can see he's hurting, I don't know why, but I can see it. If you were to give up on him I don't know what would become of him. What would become of Liam if he lost you?"

 

Harry stopped, letting his words settle over me, and boy did they settle. They dug their way deep inside my brain and made a home there, the whole while I was thinknig of how things would be for Liam if I were to give up. In our session last Wednesday he'd seemed so against it but as soon as I decided to leave he was out of his chair and stopping me. Somewhere deep down Liam wanted me to stay, I jsut didn't know why it was deep down and not resting at the surface of his being like it always had.

 

I missed that Liam, the one who loved me and laughed at me and slept beside me. He was buried deep and I didn't know what I had to do to pull him out, but there was something I realized, I wasn't ready to give up. I just, I needed to breathe and Harry gave me that opprotunity to let it all out. All of my insecruties were just lay out on the table for Harry to see, and somehow he had just discredited each one. I would probably be forever grateful to Harry after this, because he'd just stopped me from letting the one thing I loved more than anything go without a fight.

 

I just needed to fight.


	10. Session Two: Family Talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New York by Ed Sheeran

**Zayn's POV**

 

"Perrie, I have clients that will be here any minute, can we please just talk about this later?" I sighed into the receiver, doing my best not to lose my temper with her.

 

"Alright, but we really do need to go see your parents Zayn. Your Mum keeps calling and I can't keep giving her excuses, you're going to have to man up and do it, and do it soon. You can't avoid them forever." She told me, of course what she was saying was true, but it didn't make things any easier.

 

"We'll figure it out when I get home, but I really do have to go now love." I glanced at the clock seeing that I was already five minutes late, and this wasn't exactly one of those couples that would be alright with less time, I needed as much time with them as I could get.

 

"Alright, I love you."

 

"Love you too." I hung up then, not waiting a second longer, afraid she would once again bring up my family.

 

I sat in my chair and stared down at my notes, curious as to how the session was going to go today. Last week had been a challenge for sure but that was only the beginning. Things were bound to get way more out of hand the farther along we were to go on. Hopefully today's topic would be easy enough for them, though I knew for a fact that wasn't always an easy subject for everyone. I was just one example of that.

I went to the door, trying to calm my nerves as I opened it and found there to be only two people in the waiting room. They were sitting farther apart than the last time I'd come out to get them, and this time neither one of them seemed happy in the least bit.

 

"Louis, Liam you can come in." I called out to them, catching their attentions almost instantly as they stood and followed me inside, sitting down on the couch, though this time it was Louis who sat farther away, as Liam scooted a bit more towards the middle.

 

I took my chair as well, and glanced down at my lap. "Alright so first off, do you have your forms?"

 

They nodded their heads, unusually silent, and handed them to me, all filled out and nicely kept. I was surprised, I thought for sure that Louis would have been a bit careless with his papers, but it seemed when something meant a great deal to him he would take extra care of those things. I was itching to glance through them, but they wouldn't come in handy for quite some time so I just settled them in the back of my papers knowing I'd look through them later tonight.

 

"First off, how did baking go?" I adjusted the glasses on my nose as I waited for one of them to speak up, surprised once again when it was Liam who came forward first.

 

"It was alright, we um... we ruined five boxes, but in the end it came out rather nicely." He smiled a bit, though it was a sad smile, like the memory was painful to remember.

 

"Alright, and how did the two of you get along during it?"

 

"Fine." Louis spat, speaking up for the first time, as Liam flinched a bit away from his voice, which was low and rather cold. "It started out perfectly fine, but it just followed the way everything in this relationship seems to go and went downhill."

 

"Lou, I'm sorry alright? I didn't mean to..." Liam stopped frowning down at his hands, while Louis simply glanced over at him, his face pulled down but he wasn't exactly frowning he just seemed... disappointed.

 

"Would either of you like to tell me what happened?" I piped up, both curious and needing to know the facts for later reference. I couldn't exactly assign them to bake again if it went downhill so quickly.

 

"We were baking, things were going fine, and then I had to borrow a mixer from Liam's neighbor, Ed. When I got back, Liam'd just shut down, every move he made was calculated down to the last centimeter and he just left me once again." Louis' eyes were shut as he relayed the information, his head titled up as if to stop the tears from running down his face.

 

Liam looked completely ashamed as he sat beside Louis, his eyes were glazed over as well but I didn't know why. His hands were clenched tightly into fists while his chest was moving up and down rapidly, as if he was barely holding himself together.

 

"What happened Liam?" I asked him, deciding to go to the source of the problem, or at least what seemed like the source of the problem. He mumbled something I couldn't quite hear. "Can you please repeat that?"

 

"Hopeless."

 

Louis' head snapped over towards Liam faster than I even knew was possible; his eyes were wide and wild looking as he stared Liam down. Liam wouldn't meet anyone's gaze as he continued to look down at his fists slowly clenching and unclenching them. He took a couple of deep breaths before looking up at me.

 

"He called me hopeless, and yes I know. I know it was a joke Louis, I know that but I couldn't get past..." Liam stopped snapping his eyes shut once again, before opening them up, tears present in them as he stared over at Louis who was watching him with wide eyes. "It just, it still hurts."

 

Then he was sobbing, tears were rushing down Liam's face as he brought his hands up to try and keep them at bay, but nothing was working. Louis was sat shocked in his seat watching as Liam cried so hard right in front of him, but then he moved. Louis moved so fast, and had Liam in his arms quicker than I would have imagined. He was stroking the younger lad's hair and whispering into his ear softly, as Liam clung to Louis with a heavy heart. His fists were white where they had a grip on Louis' shirt, but Louis didn't seem to mind as he held Liam close, rocking him gently on the sofa.

 

I felt like I was intruding on a very private moment, but I couldn't leave. That was one thing I hated about this job, the fact that I was supposed to watch these people break down in front of me and just watch. I couldn't comfort them, I couldn't touch them or help them because I didn't have a relationship with them. I wanted to help, but in the long run I probably would have only made things worse, plus this was what both of them needed, they needed to need each other, to rely on each other, and to just love each other. If I were to get in there in any way I would have fucked the entire scenario up, and well, there was no way I was going there.

 

"I'm sorry Lou, I'm sorry-I didn't mean to." Liam kept crying those words over and over as Louis stared down at him in a sort of shock but he managed to hold himself together as he held Liam close.

 

"Li, shush babe. It's alright, I know you didn't mean it. I know, it's alright, I'm here." Louis kept repeating the words but nothing was getting through to him. Louis eventually took another approach. "I'm sorry Liam, I didn't mean what I said. I'm so sorry baby, I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry."

 

As Louis started to apologize Liam began to calm down, though he didn't relinquish his hold, still clinging to Louis as if his life depended on it. It took about five minutes for Liam to finally pull himself back together, but he wasn't exactly in any state to be answering my questions, so I decided this was a perfect time to focus on Louis. It was already my plan, but now it seemed that it was the only option anyways.

 

"Alright Louis, today we're going to focus on you." He simply nodded his head, looking up at me with a very serious expression. Liam also glanced towards me, his eyes puffy and red. "Let's start at the beginning shall we, what was your childhood like?"

 

I hit a nerve, I hit a big nerve.

 

Louis' posture stiffed beyond a reasonable doubt, his shoulders were taunt and squared as if he was preparing for attack. His face hardened to where it was as if he wasn't even looking at me, but through me. His eyes had glazed over, like he was being transported back to a time no one wanted to relive. He stayed silent for a while, and just as I thought he wasn't going to even acknowledge my answer, he began.

 

"It wasn't exactly a good childhood." His voice was rough, and he continued to stare past me, as I began to take notes, not only of his words but his behavior as well. "Dad, or at least my fucking biological father, left when I was five. He was a right dick, and I'm still surprised that Mum didn't leave him before he left her, but then again... that's just how Mum is." He smiled, but it was a bitter smile, like what he was saying was ironic in the worst sort of way.

 

"She wasn't a strong woman, always needed a man around, and when I was younger I didn't exactly understand that. I didn't know why the men she brought home would often drink heavily and flirt constantly. I didn't understand that her self-esteem reached below that of my knees. I always thought my Mum was perfect and that it was simply men that were evil, which is a bit ironic seeing as I turned out gay." He laughed a bit, but it was a rancid sound.

 

"It wasn't until Dad was gone that I even realized that there was something wrong, what was happening wasn't right. No one wanted to stay around and help raise me, thank God for that, but that didn't stop Mum from going out either. It didn't stop her from dating or from fucking around, and maybe that's what turned me off women, maybe it was the nature of Mum's younger ways." He shrugged as if it was nothing, but I could tell he'd given this a great deal of thought in his life. Now wasn't the only time that Louis had discussed this, but it seemed he hadn't told any of it to Liam.

 

Liam was staring wide eyed at Louis, his jaw agape like everything that was coming out Louis' mouth was the most shocking news he'd ever received.

 

"She cleaned up her act just long enough to raise Lottie and have Frizzy, with a nice bloke-Mark. He was more a father to me than my father had ever been, which is also why I have his last name." Louis smiled a bit at that, the first non-bitter smile I'd seen since he began. "Then she broke up with him, I don't know why and I don't care but she left Mark and started to mess around again, and I was alone at home most of the time because she'd take Lottie and Frizzy to Mark's house and I'd be stuck all fucking alone into the wee hours of the night. She just...always left."

 

Louis stopped then, not saying a word, not blinking, not doing anything. His jaw was clenched tight, his eyes hard, and there was more, there had to be more to it but he didn't say. He just eventually closed his eyes took a deep breath and continued on.

 

"Anyways, Mum eventually went back to Mark, begging pleading, I don't even know what the hell she did, but he took her back. He helped clean her up, he took her to rehab he got all of her shit, and my shit together and brought us to his house. He treated me like a son, and then after a while Mum got pregnant with twins and had Daisy and Phoebe. Things were great, ya know? Not everything was smooth but then my biological father came back into the picture. He thought it would be fun to force me his way every other holiday to stay with him and his new wife and their daughter Georgia."

 

"Fuck, that was rough." He laughed again, and this time it was hateful, so damn hateful and I just watched, as did Liam, as Louis went through so many different emotions we didn't even know what to think. "After a while things petered off, and I was no longer forced to visit them. They weren't that bad actually, especially after I got back home a few years back and found how fucked up shit had gotten between Mark and Mum. I don't even know why it surprised me, ya know? Everyone leaves anyways, why wouldn't Mark?"

 

Louis stopped, he stared down at his lap and a few tears dripped down, falling into his hands that were clenched together there, no longer holding onto Liam. Liam had moved back a bit from Louis but he had still yet to relinquish his hold on Louis, which I'm going to say was a good thing, a very good thing.

 

"I sent them over the edge though, when I finally admitted I was gay, I sent them to the point of no return." Louis' eyes were full of tears but he didn't allow them to fall, somehow he kept them in. "Mark, he didn't take the news well, and Mum? She didn't even know what to think. She didn't look at me for a few days and I thanked God every single day for Maura because if it weren't for her and Niall I would have fallen right off into a path of complete destruction."

 

Liam had reached out to grab a hold of Louis' hand, but Louis didn't move, he didn't make a single movement to grab onto Liam, or hold him like I thought he would. Instead he remained impassive, just staring down at their hands. There was something there, something in his eyes, and I couldn't quite put a name to it. It was a mix between fear and acceptance.

 

"Everyone leaves and I guess I just learned to live with that, so I started to live for the moment because if everyone leaves you have to at least enjoy them while they're there right? Niall and I started going out to different places, having fun and everything, sometimes a bit too much fun for teenagers. Mum somehow didn't drop off the face of the earth this time and managed to at least take care of my sisters, even if she'd never quite taken care of me. I met Harry one day while I was out and was rather enraptured by his ridiculous jokes and fluffy hair, he seemed like an alright lad and I got to know him. I brought him along to things that Niall and I were doing and after a while he introduced me to Liam."

 

This time Liam smiled a bit, it was small and it was hidden but it was a smile. Louis on the other hand was yet again staring down at their hands. He didn't make a move to grab Liam's but he did unclench his closed fists and allowed Liam's hand to rest directly on top of his. He gulped a bit, and then glanced back up at me.

 

"Mum got pregnant again last year with twins. I now have another little sister and a brother. She's engaged a man who could finally be the right one. She started talking to me again three years ago actually, so that's a plus." It seemed Louis was done now, he'd gotten most of everything to do with his family off his chest though I was willing to bet there was a bit more back story to it than what he'd just revealed, but that was one thing I really admired about Louis, when I asked him something he didn't skirt around the hard stuff, he gave it to me straight and he got it out there.

 

He wanted to fix things, he wanted things with Liam to be fixed and even though he'd obviously had a lot of pain explaining the background of his family, he still gave it to me. He gave me a rough outline of where he came from and from there I would be able to make a rough outline of where he should go, and what really makes Louis tick, because there was something there. There was something that made Liam and Louis a couple, something that they had lost and I hadn't quite gotten to the bottom of it. If I was going to guess now I'd say Louis was anything but at fault in the end of the relationship. It seemed to be on Liam, and something that happened to him. Something that made his insides curl at the simple word 'hopeless' and I knew that was all I was going to get from them today.

 

Family was either the easiest subject for a person to talk about or it was the hardest, there never seemed to be an in between. For some talking about their childhood sounded about as appealing as ripping their own arms off, while others would relish in the thought of talking about their past memories and their happy times. I knew from experience how families could fuck you up and it seemed Louis did as well. Liam's though, his seemed to be sparked from something else, something scarred him but unlike me he wasn't shying away from the talk of family. It didn't seem that Liam's family was the basis of his problems but I guess I wouldn't know for sure until our next session.

 

"Alright, thank you for that Louis. It was a very brave thing to do." He nodded stiffly as I continued on. "So this week's exercise will be a bit different than last's weeks. It's simple really, just sit down with each other and play Loaded Questions."

 

They stared blankly at me though I knew they probably would, it wasn't exactly a game that most people had played.

 

"I have the game for you to take home and maybe get a few friends together to play, but in the end I just need you to play the game and do it together. Can you manage that?"

 

They agreed easily and left with the board game in hand. It had been an amazing game for Perrie and me to play when we'd just gotten to know each other and she took me home to meet her family. It was a perfect ice breaker and I hoped that it would give Liam and Louis the same luck that it gave me.

 

And maybe, it would help Harry and Niall along as well.


	11. Session Two: Hardships

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sweet Isn't As Sweet Without The Bitter by Mayday Parade

**Niall's POV**

 

"Niall, we're going to be late!" Harry's voice echoed through our small flat, but I stayed seated on my bed, dreading the hour to come.

 

Things were beginning to open up and come out, and in all honesty it was frightening as fuck. I didn't know what this afternoon would have in store for us, for me. I was scared, God my heart was racing so bad right now I was surprised I hadn't gone into cardiac arrest yet. I was sitting here, staring at the wall and simply trying to find my courage, where had it gone? It was as if Friday night had opened up the flood gates and suddenly every fear that I'd ever felt thanks to Harry's and my relationship was strangling me, trying to tear me apart from the inside out. My nights were restless; my days at work were spent staring down at my desk trying to comprehend just what it was that I was supposed to be doing. I didn't know why I'd let him get to me so easily, it was just natural, it was easy and it was how I wished things would have been.

 

I wished Harry and I would have had an easy relationship, but we didn't. Sure, we had our moments, but most of the good ones were spent inside this flat where no one else was around. It wasn't that Harry was ashamed to be seen with me so much as when we were out there Harry remembered what it was he was supposed to be doing. Harry remembered that being the loving, caring boyfriend I'd grown used to when we were home wasn't what he was supposed to do. Things slowly digressed until October came and everything was blown to shit.

 

I didn't want to feel like that again. I didn't want to feel like I was useless, that my presence was unwanted, that I was unwanted. Feeling so low was awful but feeling so low thanks to the man who was supposed to love me more than anyone was a low I'd never hit before, and quite frankly I never thought I would ever hit it...

 

"Niall?" Harry's voice sounded through my door his knuckles lightly tapping against the wood. "Are you not planning on coming?"

 

I sighed, knowing full well that my not going would be breaking my promise to Harry. I said I would attend for six months, and I wasn't going to break that promise, I just needed to get my bearings, I needed to know that I would be safe, that this session wouldn't break me, I couldn't go through that again.

 

"No Harry, I'm coming." I gave in, my heart sinking as I stood from my bed, acting just like I did before going to school on Monday mornings. I was being childish and I knew it, but what I was about to face was like agreeing to get punched in the face or something. "I just couldn't find my shoes."

 

I lied, opening the door to reveal Harry standing there, looking like a deer caught in headlights. He was standing rather close to my door making us the closest we had been in quite a while. We couldn't have been farther than three feet apart, and I just knew I had to step back, because the thought of standing so close to him for any longer was like setting a plate of chocolate in front of myself while trying to go on a strict non-sweets diet. Harry was my weakness, he was my breaking point and he was more tempting than chocolate had ever been. With that thought in mind I took a step back, seeing just how much hurt passed through Harry's eyes as I did so, but I honestly didn't know what to do. If I went to him I'd hurt myself but if I stayed back I hurt him, and therefore I hurt myself.

 

I just couldn't win.

 

"Alright, let's uhm-let's um go then." I nodded and followed him out the door and towards his car.

 

Zayn's office wasn't far away and made it only five minutes late, which was rather good seeing as we left fifteen minutes later than we did the week before. Harry walked fast, opening doors for me even though I lagged behind him, practically having to force my feet to follow Harry even though it went against all my better judgment. Last week had been a sure sign that what was to be said behind those office doors would not be easily said, nor easily heard. It was just blow after blow after blow.

 

Oh God, I'm turning into a pessimist.

 

"Harry, Niall, get caught up in traffic?" Zayn asked once we finally reached his office. He was standing in the doorway with a cigarette in his mouth, unlit but still there.

 

"No, sorry I just couldn't find my shoes." I ducked my head, not feeling particularly good about lying to Zayn, though I'm sure it was rather obvious that wasn't the truth.

 

"That's quite alright Niall, do come in." He smiled at the two of us, before taking the unlit fag from his lips and stuffing it in his suit jacket. He was dressed up rather nicely today and I couldn't help but wonder what was with the change, but then again it was none of my business, I was simply trying to distract myself from the fact that Harry's eyes were staring holes in the side of my head as I sat at the far end of the leather sofa.

 

"So..." Zayn began as he took his seat across from us, Harry sitting a bit more towards the middle, causing me to squeeze myself even closer to the arm of the sofa, needing my space before I lost it entirely. "Did you bring your forms back?"

 

I nodded my head, pulling the crumbled sheets of paper from my back pocket. I had spent the majority of my Saturday just staring at the sheet wondering what the hell I was doing with it, but after holding it, sitting on it, and even cursing it I finally managed to fill the entire thing out. It wasn't awful it was just a bit painful, or well it was a bit sad as well. The information listed on it wasn't entirely true anymore but back then it was, and that was all it had asked for.

 

Harry's papers were better kept, a single crease across the middle from where he'd shoved it in his pocket, while mine looked like it had survived a crash on a deserted island and then was used for not only a pillow but an umbrella as well, my tear stains marking up its pervious perfect nature.

 

"What'd you do to it, send it into a war zone or something?" Harry remarked sarcastically a small smirk on his lips as he caught sight of my papers, I simply shrugged my shoulders, doing my best not to yell at him and tell him why my papers were so mangled and how it was entirely his God damned fault.

 

"He filled them out, that's all that matters." Zayn cut in, thankfully, as he grabbed both of our forms and added them to the back of his pile before adjusting his glasses and glancing back up at us.

 

And let the fun begin.

 

"Alright so first off, how was Go Fish?"

 

I held back my groan, knowing full well this was bound to come up but secretly hoping he would have waited a bit longer before getting into it. I'm certain we didn't do what he asked us to do anyways, seeing as Harry decided it would be best to add another dimension to our simple assignment.

 

"It was perfect."

 

My head shot up and sideways, as I looked at Harry. There was a small smile on his face and his cheeks were flushed a bit, I couldn't tell if it was happiness or embarrassment but it looked a bit like a combination of the two. I honestly wondered if Harry and I played the same game of Go Fish, I mean first off we didn't even finish the game, not to mention the fact that all we did was discover that I couldn't seem to remember the past without water pouring out of my eyes and my oversight caused by Harry and his ability to be absolutely fucking adorable. If I was superman there is no doubt in my mind that Harry Styles would be my kryptonite.

 

"Really? Why is that Harry?" Zayn inquired peering over his nose at Harry, though he glanced my way a few times, most likely trying to get a handle on the two of us and our feelings or some psychological shit like that.

 

"We uhm, we uh added another aspect to it." Harry choked out, giving me the ability to look away as I stared past Zayn and at the office door silently begging for someone to barge in and save me from this nightmare. "Every time one of us got a card from the other's deck we were allowed to ask them one question and they had to answer it."

 

Zayn looked startled, as if the thought of Harry and I talking outside of therapy was surprising, which, sadly, it was. Harry and I didn't talk, not anymore and God I missed that. I'm not even sure when we stopped talking it was just like one day I realized we didn't talk anymore. We didn't spend our time together we didn't eat together; we didn't sit in the same room together. Harry left me but he did it so gradually that by the time I'd finally caught on we were already separated. We were so far from each other that the thought of us getting back to where we used to be would exhaust me. Then of course it got to the point where getting back to that point scared me.

 

"That's terrific Harry." Zayn smiled, jotting something or another down on his notepad, before turning to me. "Niall, how did you think it went?"

 

Honesty, they want honesty here. I can't lie, I can't even if it's going to hurt Harry's feelings. I can't do that to him, or is it I can't do that to me? Is it more selfish to lie or tell the truth?

 

"Awful, just plain awful." It looked like honesty was the winner here, and it seemed that I hurt Harry more with that than I had with anything else.

 

"Why do you think it went so badly?"

 

I bit my cheek as I tried my best to find the proper and respectful way to word why Friday night had gone so badly. It was almost as if I had relapsed. Harry was my drug and for a minute I let myself go and gave into him again. I yelled and laughed and loved him for a second just like I always had. It came naturally because my love for Harry wasn't gone, and I doubted that it ever would be. My problem with that was that it did happen so easily. All it took for him to tear through my defense was to be his normal stupid self and I was gone. I fell back into our old routine and I couldn't do that anymore. I couldn't allow myself to get back there because I wasn't sure if Harry would relapse as well. I didn't know if he would hurt me again just like he had. Things were good when we first started out, it was fun and it was passionate and it was love just like I always thought love should be. Then the longer we were together the less fun we had and the more he pulled away. Harry backed me into a corner and it was all I could do to hold myself together.

 

"To put it simply it went so badly because it went too well." I confessed feeling as if a thousand pounds had been lifted from my shoulders as I said those words out loud.

 

"What the hell does that even mean?" Harry spat, his words hitting me hard in the chest because he just didn't get it.

 

I didn't open my mouth, hoping that Zayn would understand what I meant better than Harry and he would be able to explain it, because I know if I were to talk to Harry at this exact moment my emotions would take over and everything would come spilling out. I couldn't let that happen, not yet at least.

 

"Harry, what I believe Niall means-and do correct me if I'm wrong-is that things fell back into place too easily, when in reality things need time to progress slowly. You don't want to fall into old habits if your old habits are what got you here in the first place. You need to start fresh and allow yourselves to slowly come together." I nodded my head in agreement, rather liking the way he worded his explanation.

 

"So you want us to just pretend that the last two and half years didn't happen? Is that what you're saying? Because if it is, I can't do that, I can't forget all those things that Niall and I went through and shit, I wouldn't want to forget them. Those are the things that made us-us." Harry's voice was raw and I was willing to bet that if I glanced over at him that there would at least be tears in his eyes, if they hadn't already rolled down his cheeks.

 

"No, that's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is you need to get to know Niall again, but get to know him as he is now, not as he was before. Niall isn't the same person he was when you two first got together and I'm willing to bet the same could be said for you. Many things have happened and that has changed you both so you need to get to know each other again, like a new start, except you have the advantage of already knowing a few things about the other."

 

I nodded my head, and I caught Harry doing the same from the corner of my eye. I had a feeling that this time around things were going to be quite different, and I wasn't how that was going to be. I knew one thing though, if Harry wanted to have my trust he was going to have to earn it, I wouldn't be handing it over so easily this time.

 

"Alright so, let's talk about something else shall we?" I relaxed a bit at that, completely ready to move on to anything else, but I should have known the next topic to come out of his mouth wasn't going to be any easier than the last one. "Alright, let's get rid of the elephant in the room shall we?"

 

"Uh, sure?" Harry spoke up, his voice wavering as if unsure of his answer. I knew this elephant, whichever one it was, wasn't exactly going to be one I wanted to discuss, I mean when did anyone want to talk about the elephant in the room?

 

"Niall-" Shit, I knew it wasn't going to be good. "Why don't you look at Harry?"

 

My heart stopped for a good minute before picking up its pace double time. This wasn't something I wanted to discuss, this was something I wanted to let pass by without notice, though I guess I hadn't been doing a very good job with it. It was obvious to everyone it seemed that looking at Harry was one of the last things I wanted to do, and that was mostly due to the fact that it was one of the things I desired most, but when I did flashes came back to me and everything just began to hurt again. I was so tired of hurting, and looking at him brought it all back.

 

"It hurts, and I'm just... I'm tired of hurting." My voice broke, giving away the pain I was feeling inside on a daily basis and laying it out for all to see.

 

"Niall..." Harry's voice was choked up as well, but I didn't turn towards him and instead chewed on my cheek a bit more as I waited for Zayn to say more.

 

"Why does it hurt to look at him?"

 

God, he really likes to rip people's guts out doesn't he?

 

"It hurts because looking at him is like one major flashback into the past. Harry was there when I fell in love with him and he was there when he-when he did what he did. Harry is both the best thing that happened to me and the worst thing that happened to me and I can't look at him because... It just hurts. I can't control my thoughts when I look at him, I don't know what's going to set me off and if it will be something good or something bad I remember. Either way though it's a lose-lose situation. If it's something good then it hurts because that something good is gone now. If it's something bad it hurts because it hurt back then as well as it hurts now. All in all, looking at him is like setting myself up for pain."

 

Zayn watched me carefully as I dared not glance to my left to see Harry. He was-god I didn't even know what he was thinking or doing right now. I have no doubt that everything I just said hit him hard, but I needed to say it. I really did and the fact that it's out there is just one less thing I have to hide. I hate hiding things and hiding how I feel is one of the most difficult tasks I've come upon.

 

"Alright then, thank you for that Niall." I nodded stiffly, glancing back at the office door as I once again willed someone to come through those doors and save me from what was inside this room. "Harry, what do you think of that?"

 

Oh God, I really think Zayn was trying to kill me here. It couldn't have been enough that I had to say all of that shit out loud but now I had to hear how much that hurt Harry. I could almost handle it if I didn't know just how much it was hurting him. I could do with the pain and suffering I felt inside myself every day but knowing what I was doing was hurting Harry as well, just sent the knife in even deeper. I cared for Harry and that would never change, the only thing that had changed was the way I showed it, and lately I hadn't showed it at all because I needed to protect myself. If Harry wasn't going to protect me, then it was up to me.

 

"I think that it's deserved, does that make it any easier to hear? Hell no, but I know why he's doing it, I know it's my fault, I've known that. It doesn't hurt any less but it's nice to hear it spoken out loud for once, instead of simply speculating..." Harry's voice was a broken whisper, but I heard it all and was rather surprised that he didn't burst out yelling or some shit like that. Harry just seemed to keep surprising me lately, and I didn't know what to think anymore...

 

"Alright well, I'm sorry Niall but I've already got this week's exercise planned out and I have a feeling you're not going to be enjoying it." I glanced towards Zayn with a grim face, but waited anyways for him to continue on. "This week I'd like you two to both have at least two staring contests spread out over the week."

 

Shit.


	12. Our Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like We Used To(Piano Version) by A Rocket To The Moon

**Louis’ POV**

 

“Lou! Where you at mate?”

 

“I’m in the kitchen.” I shouted, not even taking my eyes away from the task at hand. I was so close to finally completing this and no one was going to ruin it for me.

 

“What are you doing?” Niall whispered in my ear, scaring me half to death, and causing me to knock over my house of cards.

 

That little twat! I turned around, more than ready to smack him a good one to his head, when I caught sight of the unsightly bags under his eyes. It didn’t look like he’d caught up on any of the sleep he’d been lacking, hell if anything he seemed to have gotten even less sleep. I stood up from my table, forgetting the cards completely, and wrapped my arms around his slender waist. In turn he wrapped his arms around my torso as well, sighing as he laid his head gently on my chest.

 

“Niall, you really need to start sleeping.” I told him, my voice heavy with a deep seated sadness as I stood by and watched what he was being subjected to. “Those bags are going to become permanent you know?”

 

He pushed himself away from me, shaking his head a bit with a small—and I do mean small—smile. “Louis, they go away with time you twat.”

 

“And sleep, I believe that is the most important ingredient Ni.” I patted him on the back, leading him from my kitchen and towards my sofa—or well my bed. I wasn’t exactly comfortable sleeping in Liam and I’s old bed, too many good times and memories to sleep in there. It would be like revisiting the past in a dream only to wake up to my new nightmare that I called life.

 

“What would you know about ingredients? You’re piss at cooking.” Niall rolled his eyes, moving my blankets onto the floor and taking my pillow and setting it in his lap.

 

“And you’re shit at cleaning, yet you don’t see me throwing that in your face.” I retorted, sitting beside him before knocking his shoulder with mine, just enjoying his company. It had been quite a while since it’d been just Niall and I, and I must admit that I rather missed it.

 

“Since when do you clean Tommo? This place looks like shit. I mean you didn’t even make your ‘bed.’” He shrugged his fingers hypocritically as he motioned towards the sofa we were sitting on. I just shook my head and decided to ignore his asshole comment; he was tired so I was willing to let a few things slide.

 

Niall plopped my pillow onto my lap before adjusting himself accordingly and making himself right at home on my lap, stretching his body out so that he was laying down, his arms folded across his chest. I watched him make himself comfortable with an air of fondness, this was Niall, this was my best mate and I was happy to see a bit of his old self. Harry wasn’t joking when he said that the Niall we knew was gone, and I just wanted to figure out how to get him back. Deep down I knew only Harry could bring back the Niall that I grew up with, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t try to be at least a little useful. I would do anything for him, and I knew for a fact that he would do anything for me, I mean if what he had been doing with Liam wasn’t a good enough indicator I don’t know what was.

 

Speaking of Liam…

 

“Hey Niall, how was your session yesterday?”

 

He tensed up, his eyes crinkling together with a distressed look almost as if he was in physical pain. I watched as he slowly nibbled on the inside of his cheek, most likely pondering what lie he was going to tell me. Niall wasn’t exactly one for talking about his problems, he preferred to help other people with theirs and leave his for him to deal with alone. It wasn’t healthy that’s for sure, but it was what he had always done, and I was starting to think it would be what he would always do, until he spoke up of course.

 

“It went awful, completely awful and I don’t even know how or what I’m going to do anymore Louis. It’s just like the entire world is against me, and I don’t even have a single clue of what I did to piss it off so damn much.” He rolled onto his side, leaning his face into my stomach as I ran my hands through his hair doing my best to give him as much comfort as I could with just a few simple touches, though Niall always liked to have his scalp rubbed, so I knew it was doing at least some good.

 

“You didn’t do anything, you’ve never done anything really. If anything the world should be paying you back for all your good deeds. I know for a fact that I’m indebted to you.”

 

He snorted at that, shaking his head a bit. “Louis, I told you I would look after Liam for you, but I believe you forget that he’s also my friend. I do love the man, even if I think he’s an absolute nut for leaving you like he did. There’s still hope mate, just give him time and fight to get back in. From what I’ve seen he’s afraid of something, though what that something is, I don’t know. If anyone would know it would be Harry though…”

 

Niall’s voice broke on Harry’s name but I knew better than to make comment on it. With Niall things were either simple or completely complicated, there was no in between. It wasn’t even that Niall made things complicated; he just had certain ways of dealing with things that made things complicated. Take Harry for example, he was so far gone for the lad that he could barely even look at him and yet he was still as committed to him as the day they started dating. Niall was fiercely loyal and loved blindly. It didn’t matter who or what you were if you wanted Niall’s love, he would give it to you. He was selfless and in the end that left him vulnerable, therefore when he did get hurt, it cut deep.

 

It was rather obvious that he was struggling with—well everything.

 

“I’m not going to go behind Liam’s back to find out whatever happened to him. He’ll tell me in due time, or he won’t. It’s up to him, all I’m trying to do is show him that it’s alright to tell me, that he can put his trust in me and that I’ll never betray it.” I sighed, shutting my eyes tightly as visions from Thursday’s session came back to me—Liam sobbing in my arms, completely inconsolable. It was still just as heartbreaking.

 

There was one word floating around in my head though, one word that couldn’t seem to find its way out and I didn’t even know what he meant by it. What significance would a word like ‘hopeless’ have to Liam?

 

“Trust is a funny thing Louis, sometimes it’s the smallest things that break it into a million pieces, and then getting it back is a thousand times more difficult than the first time you accomplished it.”

 

“Do you think Harry will ever earn your trust back?” I was pushing it, I knew I was but then again I think we’d both reached the point to where almost everything was a sore subject so why not just dive right in? It saves time and it gets things done.

 

“I don’t know Lou, I just don’t know.”

 

He sounded so weary, his words weighed down with a morose sadness I had never felt before. Even losing Liam hadn’t felt so heart breaking because at least I knew that while we were together he truly cared. Liam made an effort to make things work and he loved me through all my faults and wrongdoings. He was there when I got piss drunk after I lost the playoff match a year ago; he took care of me and held me in his arms all night as I blubbered about like a fool. I’m surprised he didn’t leave me sooner to be honest, what with all the times I’d expected just that from him.

 

Everyone leaves, so it was really only a matter of time before Liam did as well.

 

“What’s going on in that head of yours Niall? Why aren’t you sleeping anymore? You’re worrying me mate, I don’t want to lose you.” My serious side was coming out, as my worry for Niall came pouring out.

 

He was the only person who hadn’t left me, and I’d finally gotten used to the fact that he wasn’t going anywhere. Niall was with me for life and I was glad that I could say that with such confidence. He was my person. Liam may have been the love of my life but Niall was my soul mate, because life was always kind enough to give you two special people. One person would be the one you came home every day to, and kissed and loved in every way possible and the other was a bit different. You loved them, but it was a friendly love, it was a best mate love, it was an unbreakable love. Niall was my unbreakable bond, without him I’d be completely lost.

 

“I can’t sleep without him Louis. I miss his body heat next to me and the way his arms wrapped around me. I miss his gentle touch in the morning and his kiss goodnight. I miss sharing my bed with him and I just… I can’t turn my brain off. It’s like every night I go to lie down my entire relationship with him is on replay, every good and bad moment fly’s through my head and I can’t do anything about it. I don’t want it Louis. I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t know what to do anymore.”

 

His complete confession had me shell shocked. He was either completely knackered, or he’d just hit rock bottom because this was the first time I’d ever heard Niall complain or even mention his fucked up relationship with Harry. Obviously it wasn’t a secret or anything but it was still quite the shock to hear it from his mouth instead of Harry’s, and I must say it made me want to cry. He was confiding in me and I honestly didn’t know what to do with myself. I wanted to hug him but I felt that that would be rather insensitive to him and I surely didn’t want to turn him off of confiding in me again, so I decided to just be quiet and wait for him to speak up again.

 

“I’m so lost Louis, and I just don’t know how to find my way out of this darkness that is surrounding me. I’ve taken something that should have been so simple and I’ve turned it into a monster, the gap between Harry and I is simply growing bigger and it’s my fault Lou. I’m responsible.” He was crying, his tears were soaking into my thin shirt, but that didn’t bother me in the slightest, Niall could cry on me anytime he wanted to.

 

What did bother me, however, was the fact that Niall blamed himself. God damn it that man was too much sometimes. How Niall could blame himself for Harry’s actions was simply beyond me, even Harry knew it was his fault, and shit he hadn’t been quiet about it when he called me over the morning after everything happened and was just one giant mess, sobbing hysterically while telling me I had to come and help Niall. At least he was of sound mind when I arrived but somehow Harry knew, he just knew that what happened had pushed Niall too far, and he shut down. It wasn’t until I arrived that Niall even said a word, and it wasn’t as if it was anything major either. He’d simply asked why I was there, of course I’d just ignored him and hugged him to me, trying my best to convey all the love I held for him in that brief hug.

 

“Niall, please tell me how you are at fault in this?”

 

He turned his head up, facing me, his eyes opened and bloodshot as snot leaked from his nose. It broke my heart to see him like this, Niall wasn’t supposed to cry, he was supposed to be happy and loud and vivacious. Niall was looking at me with the most painful expression I’d ever seen on his face before, and I could feel his pain. It was as if he was projecting it for the first time out into the world and I ached for him. I ached to help him, I simply ached with a need to be there for him as he had been there for me a thousand times over.

 

“I’m not letting him in!” He cried, his voice sounding so foreign to my ears as it cried from his lips.

 

That was when he lost the ability to speak entirely as sobs racked his body, his limbs shaking in my arms, and his face resembling that of such bitter agony I broke seeing him like this, so raw and exposed. Tears slipped from my eyes, but I pushed them back knowing it was my turn to be strong for Niall. It was my duty to be there for him, and hell if I was going to fuck this up.

 

I wrapped my arms around him, pulling his lean frame onto my lap completely. His hands clutched at my shirt, his head rested in the crook of my neck as he finally let it all out. He let all his pain flow from deep within where he had locked it away for too long. I just held him tightly, rocking him back and forth and rubbing his back in soothing circles, knowing I would never be able to unsee this. I would never be able to rip this version of Niall from my mind and it killed me. It killed me to know that he had struggled for so long without the assistance of anyone. He just simply went on living and made everyone else’s issues more important than his own.

 

“Niall, you’re not to blame.” I whispered, feeling the need to tell him that, even though I doubted he believed me—if he even heard me that is. Niall was as stubborn as a mule, and if he believed something then it was almost impossible to change his mind on the matter. This one would be no different, I was sure of it.

 

It took a while, but eventually his tears dried and his breathing evened out until soft snores were emitted from his chapped lips. He was situated rather awkwardly and I didn’t want his first bout of sleep in what sounded like days, if not weeks, to give him a stiff neck. Slowly but surely I stood up, cradling his body carefully in my arms, as I made the short trek down the hallway and to my abandoned bedroom.

 

I avoided everything to do with the bedroom, I didn’t even use the bathroom that was attached to it anymore, and instead opted for the one down the hall. I just tried my best to either avoid everything Liam –which was rather hard to do seeing as he lived here—or I didn’t come home. It was as simple as that.

 

I laid Niall on my bed, pulling the sheets back and tucking him in, admiring the peaceful bliss that had fallen over his blotched face. He looked so free while he was sleeping and I wished that I could somehow bottle this up for when he was feeling as broken as he had been an hour ago. I wished so badly that I could give him some peace of mind, but all I could do was be there for him to listen and encourage him through these tough times.

 

It was getting late, and I decided to follow in Niall’s footsteps and head off to sleep. I returned to the sofa and laid my head down, thinking of all the things I should have said to Niall, all the examples of why Niall wasn’t to blame for any of the misfortunes that had befallen his relationship with Harry. I drifted off to sleep with the memory of Niall’s broken face, and a deep sadness that rested inside both of us.


	13. Disconnected

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Not Over by Secondhand Serenade

**Liam's POV**

 

"Liam!" My name was screamed through my door early Saturday morning, followed closely by thunderous rounds of knocking on my front door. I jumped up quickly, rather startled by the loud noises which continued to assault my morning haze. "Liam Payne!"

 

I shook my head quickly, rising from my bed and pulled on some joggers and a jumper, while running towards the door. Whoever was on the other side sounded desperate, and I couldn’t help but allow my mind to drift all over the place. Maybe there was a fire, or oh God—what is someone was hurt? Who could it be—Niall? Harry? Oh God… Louis? My panic was just settling in as I struggled to pull the door open, forgetting about the chain in my haste. It took me a minute but when I finally got everything sorted and unlocked, to say I was surprised by the person on the other side of my door would be an understatement.

 

Harry was stood in my doorway, his curls flying every which way in a crazy mess, his face was pale white, and his clothes were wrinkled beyond a reasonable doubt. His eyes were bloodshot and puffy as if he’d been crying, but it was the onslaught of desperation that radiated off of him in waves that sent me over the edge.

 

“What is it Harry? What happened?!” I commanded, dragging him inside at the same time, forgetting all about our fallout a few months before, and resorting back to how things used to be.

 

“Niall he—he didn’t come home last night Liam.” He was hyperventilating, his words coming out in a desperate pant as if he was racing against a clock to get them all out. “Oh my God Liam, he didn’t come home. He always comes home; he’s never not shown up without telling me. Liam what if—what if he left me for good? Oh God, what if he’s hurt Liam?! He can’t be hurt, I’d never… God I’d never forgive myself! I can’t—I’ve tried so many times but he’s not answering his phone. I don’t know what to do, I thought he was just going to be late but then eleven turned into twelve and soon twelve became one and so on and…”

 

Then the dam broke and all the worry, and anxiety and plain desperation came flooding out, but it wasn’t in the way most people would think it would happen. Most people would break down into tears and fall apart at the seams allowing the entire world to see what was happening inside them. Harry—Harry was different, and he dealt with stress and unmanageable situations in a completely different and completely unhealthy way. He held his breath. He held his breath for so long, that he would completely pass out, and thank God I was prepared for that, otherwise we probably would have ended up at the hospital again.

 

His face turned even more pale, before he slumped over, allowing me to catch him in my arms rather easily. He’d been working out a bit more and wasn’t as light as he had been the last time this had happened but it didn’t bother me one bit, as I laid him gently on the sofa. His head was propped up on a pillow as I sat on coffee table waiting for him to wake up.

 

While I did that, I took a minute to take in what Harry had said—Niall didn’t come home last night. I must admit that worried me just as much as it worried Harry. That wasn’t like Niall, if anything Niall would be early somewhere, not late. He always answered his phone. The fact that he wasn’t answering his phone just set off all the warning bells in my head. Niall would have answered his phone, even if it was Harry that was calling—unless Harry did something again. I wouldn’t put it past him actually, even if he was trying to be better, those behaviors were still solidified in him and breaking his habits would be one of the most difficult tasks he would ever have to face.

 

My trust in Harry had significantly waned over the last few months until now I second guessed everything he did and said. It wasn’t that he’d done anything to me personally—or well not completely—but I had witnessed things he’d done, to Niall and others over the years and I realized he had a problem. Harry had a problem with attachments of any kind, whether it be friendships or relationships, he always seemed to shy away from them, from the commitments that came along with them, so I don’t know why it took me so long to reach my breaking point. Maybe I was like Niall in that way, leaving Harry was so hard because I knew how much he needed me, until he found Louis. Then it was like I was no longer as important to him, I was no longer his best mate—and things just went downhill from there.

 

“Liam?” I glanced up as I heard Harry’s voice, cracked and broken sounding. He was staring at me, his eyes partially open the green in them filling up with tears as he stared at me, looking to me for answers as he always used to. “I need to find him, I need him to be alright, I need him Liam.”

 

I reached out my hand, running it through Harry’s tousled hair sadly, nodding my head a bit. “I know you do Harry, I’ve always known that… I just wished you had too.”

 

He nodded his head heavily, twiddling his fingers. “I know. I wish I would have realized it sooner as well. It’s just… I didn’t know what it felt like. I didn’t know what love felt like Liam and I guess it wasn’t until I practically lost him that I realized it. I realized how much I loved him and how deep my feelings for him really ran. He just found his way into my heart so quickly, I didn’t know. I just… didn’t know.”

 

I stared down at Harry, watching as he struggled to remain calm long enough to find Niall’s whereabouts. I could see how heavily this was weighing on him, and it hit a nerve deep inside me, because deep down I still cared for Harry. I would always care for Harry, no amount of distance that I shoved between us—or he shoved between us—could stop me from loving him. It was like a requirement really, and not loving him would have been completely ridiculous. He deserved love, no matter what he thought of the emotion, he deserved to be loved, everyone did. Everyone deserved to feel like they mattered and they deserved to have those two people in their lives that they mattered most to.

 

Louis once told me that each person was given two people in life, one person to fall in love with and one person to live with. The first time he told me that I had been confused, thinking that those two things were exactly the same, but he insisted I was wrong. You could fall in love many times in your life, people did it every day, but there would always be that one person in your life that was there for you. There should always be a best mate beside you holding your hand every step of the way, because you never stop loving them—even when you hate them.

 

“When was the last time you called him?” I asked Harry, doing my best to redirect the conversation to a more urgent matter than his failing love life.

 

“It was right before I started banging on your door, I couldn’t… fuck I couldn’t stop dialing his number. I don’t even know how many times I called him, but I’ve been doing it for hours and I couldn’t leave any more voicemails because I filled up his inbox and… Oh God Liam, he’s gone, and I don’t even know where he’s gone to.” Panic was beginning to settle over him again, and I had to act quick, jumping up and running towards my room to grab my phone before sprinting back towards him.

 

“Did you try using a different phone?”

 

He stared at me for a minute, completely silent before he shook his head. “No, God I didn’t even—I couldn’t think of doing anything besides hitting his name over and over.”

 

I nodded, turning towards my own phone and dialing his number. It rang and rang, though he never picked up. I tried two more times, before my own anxiety began to rise. This was so unlike Niall, I couldn’t even begin to describe the worry that was settling into the pit of my stomach, but I had to keep it together. If I even so much as started to freak out, Harry would lose it completely and then we really would end up in the emergency room again, and it had been quite enough the first time.

 

I stared hard at the ground, wracking my mind for every single scenario that could have happened. He could have broken his phone somehow, and ended up staying at a pub all night, it wasn’t like he hadn’t done something like that before it was just we were usually with him when he got that smashed. He could have lost his phone… or maybe his car broke down and his phone died giving him no way to contact us.

 

Fuck, I was grabbing at the smallest possibilities doing my best to reason with myself and somehow keep Harry calm. None of those reasons made sense though, everyone had phones nowadays, and he could borrow anyone’s phone without a problem and just call one of us for a ride. He could have called me or Harry or even Louis—

 

Holy shit.

 

“Did you try Louis?” My eyes wide as I glanced towards him, I tried to refrain from slapping the idiot on my sofa, his eyes big and round with realization.

 

How the hell could we forget about Louis?

 

“No—shit! Why the fuck didn’t I just—oh my God, I’m so stupid.” Harry cursed as he dug through his pockets, retrieving his phone in a haste I’d never seen him use before. He clicked through it before eventually bringing the phone up to his ear.

 

I was buzzing in anticipation, running my hands over my neck as I tried not to just take the damn phone from Harry. Thankfully it didn’t take long before Louis picked up, but sadly I could only hear one half of the conversation.

 

“Louis! Thank God, is Niall with you?” Harry’s voice was shaking and speaking low and quick, his rush to find out the information cancelling his normal speaking patterns out. “He is? Why the hell hasn’t he answered his phone?!”

 

My mind immediately relaxed as I heard the news. I didn’t even realize how stressed I was over it until I saw Harry’s posture slack in response. I zoned out then, ignoring Harry and his conversation with Louis and instead focusing on the fact that today was Saturday and we—Louis and I—still hadn’t done our weekly exercise. I had a feeling we would have to do it this weekend or we were never going to make ourselves play this stupid game. I didn’t want to play it in the least bit actually, but Louis seemed all for it, though he’d always enjoyed games.

 

Louis loved to do a lot of things though, and I wasn’t exactly sure if that was a good idea or not, because in all honesty some of the things he enjoyed doing were dangerous. He’d had a hard life, I finally understood the severity of it, but that didn’t give him an excuse to be so reckless. I just wanted him to take care of himself; I needed to know that he would be alright and that worrying about him was completely pointless, but so far that was wrong. I had every reason to worry about Louis, and fuck, even now that we were no longer together I couldn’t help but worry about him.

 

Did he eat today?

 

Was he injured at practice?

 

Were his other jackass friends still treating him like shit?

 

God, they just wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t stop worrying about him, no matter what I did, and I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing—though I was leaning towards bad, but then again maybe he needed me to worry about him, maybe my worrying was completely justified.

 

I was thrown from my thoughts as Harry’s hand clapped on my shoulder, his eyes looking intently into mine.

 

“Liam, grab your coat, we’re going to Louis’ place.”

 

*+*+*+*

 

“Harry, leave him be God damn it!” Louis hissed his voice low and rather cold as he kept Harry away from our—his bedroom.

 

“Lou, please just… just let me see him. I won’t wake him up I swear, I just… I need to see him Louis, I can’t stand here knowing he’s just down the hall and not see him.” Harry’s voice was desperate, his fingers twiddling and his face devoid of any emotion besides fear, it was almost as if he didn’t believe Louis. It was like he didn’t believe Niall was here.

 

“Harry, why? Why can’t you just leave him alone and allow him to get his much needed rest? He hasn’t been sleeping, I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but he looks awful Harry, those bags haven’t gotten any smaller.”

 

“Of course I’ve noticed! Do you think I’m blind Louis? Do you think I don’t care, or that I couldn’t be bothered to worry about him? Do you even realize how much I love him?” Harry was up in Louis’ face now, his own wearing a rather menacing glare. I stepped forwards, ready to jump in and pull Harry away from Louis, my instincts trying to take hold. “I need to see him Louis, you don’t understand, I don’t have a choice in the matter, Niall is the only thing that can calm me down right now, and I need that.”

 

As soon as those words left Harry’s mouth, Louis relaxed, backing away from the hall he had been blocking not moments before and allowing Harry to have access to our—his bedroom. We both watched Harry go, neither one of us saying a word, as the door clicked open and quickly shut once again.

 

A tense silence fell over us, as Louis and I were alone in this flat for the first time since I walked out on him. I couldn’t help but to replay every single minute of that day up to the moment I walked out, leaving Louis confused and hurt and most of all—alone.

 

God damn it, it wasn’t supposed to hurt this much!

 

It was supposed to be easy, I should have been able to leave and not look back but I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t forget Louis, because Louis was quite literally unforgettable. He gave me chills just by being near me, my fingers itched to reach out and touch him. I just wanted to run my hands through his hair one more time, and mess it up in the way that only I knew how. I wanted to feel Louis beneath me and to taste the salt of his skin. Louis did things to both my mind and thoughts that were more than inappropriate, they were downright maddening.

 

I hadn’t touched another person since Louis; I couldn’t look at anyone and feel alright with a one night stand. It felt so wrong, just the thought of me kissing and feeling up on someone else felt so incredibly wrong. Louis had been it for such a long time now, and I couldn’t even imagine breaking that bond between us. It was so strong, and I knew if I went and slept with someone else, everything would change, whatever was between us would break. A month ago, that had been exactly what I wanted, I wanted to let our relationship fall and to be done with it forever and to simply move on.

 

I didn’t want that anymore.

 

It turns out what I want and what I’ve done are two completely different things. I want Louis. I want him so badly that it hurts me to even think about. Just being in this flat with him right now was making my need for him grow beyond anything I thought possible. I didn’t want him just for sex, I wanted him for him. I wanted him because of the way he loved me, the way he held me, the way he spoke to me. I wanted him because he apologized and he cared and he was Louis. He was just Louis.

 

Then again, I knew I had some things I needed to sort out before I got back in a relationship, even if it was with Louis. If I didn’t sort my shit out then I would simply end up doing this again later on, and I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t put Louis through something like this again; I couldn’t put myself through something like this again. I was fucked up and broken, and I needed to get it all out, I needed to figure myself out and how I could be with Louis and not be so… afraid. I didn’t want to be afraid anymore. I just didn’t know what to do, but one thing was for sure, and that was that I wasn’t going to quit. I wasn’t going to try the quick fix and walk out, because all that got me was a pile full of misery and Louis Tomlinson broken in front of me, because of me.

 

“Do you want some tea?” Louis finally broke through the thick silence, his voice running through my head, giving me an almost high feeling. I just wanted to hug him; I just needed another one of his comforting hugs, just like the one I had gotten on Wednesday.

 

So instead of answering his question, I decided to be bold, and to move. I walked forwards quickly, not giving myself a single second to overthink this, as I wrapped my arms around his waist and laid my head down on his shoulder. I relished in the feeling of both familiarity and rightness that I found in Louis’ touch, even if he was a bit stiff with shock at my actions, eventually he pulled himself together and wrapped his arms around me just like old times.

 

“Are you alright Liam?” His voice was soft and soothing, causing me to in turn close my eyes and sigh.

 

“Yeah, I’m alright now.”

 

Our moment was interrupted as a shout came from the bedroom, causing both Louis and I to jump away from each other in shock. It was Harry, and it really shouldn’t have surprised me. Harry always ended up ruining things, whether it was with Niall, me or even Louis and I. Harry was just one big walking destruction and he’d split Louis and I right down the middle just as we were starting to get comfortable.

 

“I’ll go.” I sighed, turning around to walk down the hall, but Louis’ hand stopped me, making me turn around and face him.

 

“I think it’s probably best if I went Li, just in case you know?” I stared at him and it was only then that I realized how big the rift was that I’d created between not only Louis and me, but me and everyone.

 

I used to be the one who went to settle things down when they got too heated, I was always the one that got between anyone that was fighting, but now it was Louis’ job, and I guess I understood that. Niall and him had been tight for longer than I’d known either one of them and Harry and I… well we weren’t what we used to be that’s for sure. Yet, somehow I’d missed these things, I’d only focused on the rift Louis and I had, completely oblivious to those barriers I’d put up between Niall and I, and Harry and I. For the first time I felt unnecessary, and disconnected, and I didn’t like it.

 

I didn’t like it one bit.


	14. Eye On The Prize

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Visions by The Maine

**Harry's POV**

 

It's Monday night.

 

That marks three days, three fucking days since Niall has talked to me. I'm not sure what I should be thinking right now, especially after Saturday morning. I didn't mean to shout at him, he just startled me is all. Of course then Louis had to come in and make a bigger deal out of it than it was, leaving Niall just staring at the wall-following suit with his favorite method of avoiding me with his eyes. I miss him looking at me, it just doesn't happen often anymore, and when it does it's because he has no other choice. I just want it to be his choice again, I want him to look at me because he can't help himself, he can't help but want to look at me.

 

I've taken to falling asleep with my phone beside me opened up to a picture I took almost a year ago when Niall was laying down next to me, his eyes were open and bright and he was just staring into the camera. It's one of the many photos I pull up from time to time, but this is the one I look at the most. It's the only photo where he is looking directly into the camera-almost as if he were looking directly at me.

 

God I'm pathetic.

 

"Harry?" I glanced up to see Louis standing in the doorway of my kitchen, his beanie placed carelessly on top of his head, and his spare clothes in his hands. "I'm going home now alright? He's gotten three good nights of sleep so let's see how he does without me. Call if you need anything."

 

I nodded my head wearily as Louis sent me a small smile before walking out the door, leaving Niall and I alone in our flat. Louis had spent both Saturday and Sunday night here. We had decided that Niall needed someone to sleep with him for a few days, and since I wasn't exactly at the top of Niall's list, Louis volunteered. Liam had come over as well on Saturday and we played some dumb board game for their session on Wednesday. It was tense, and a bit awkward between all of us, but it was more than we'd done together in months, making it a nice change.

 

Niall and I had still yet to have a staring contest, and I was beginning to think that we were never going to get around to that assignment. Five was a bit much as it was, so hopefully Zayn would be alright with only one, maybe two. I could never be too sure, seeing as it was Niall's call; everything was Niall's call from now on. I wasn't going to try and force him to do anything. I was going to try for at least one round, but that was it-and it was now or never I guess.

 

I took one last sip of my lukewarm tea, before standing up. I walked the short stroll down the hallway and towards Niall's closed bedroom door. It was silent, and my heart was pounding so hard against my chest I was having trouble standing here, let alone raising my hand and knocking. It was almost surreal how bad things had gotten between us. I'd never been so nervous around him in my life, but now? All I could do was second guess every little move I made. I didn't want to push him any farther from me, but I knew I had to do something or I really was going to lose him forever. I couldn't allow that to happen-I couldn't lose Niall. The thought alone nearly killed me.

 

Eventually, after about ten minutes of standing outside the door, I found some hidden strength deep inside me that allowed me to raise my hand and tap my knuckles gently against the thick wood. My hands were shaking terribly, pools of sweat piling in my palms, but I remained in place, waiting anxiously for what Niall was going to do. He knew it was me, Louis had left and I was really the only other option. The ball, in a sense, was now in his court.

 

"Come in." His voice was muffled by the door, but I heard it clearly and smiled a bit as hope began to swell in the pit of my stomach.

 

"Niall?" I asked opening the door slowly, and snaking my head around it cautiously, almost afraid of what I would see inside. It looked just as it had the last time I had been outside it, except this time Niall was sat up on his bed instead of lying down on it.

 

"Yeah?"

 

"We-uhm we n-need to do our assignment." I choked out, staring at him as he continued to look at down at his phone. His fingers stopped their tapping as my words made their way over to him, his head popping up and eyes straying towards me, but stopping just before me.

 

Damn it.

 

"When do you want to do it?" His voice was low, and collected, not giving a single thing away.

 

"I was thinking... now?"

 

You could have heard a pen drop, as an overwhelming silence settled over the two of us. It was suffocating, completely and totally unmoving as if we were dropped out into space with nothing but the clothes on our backs. Niall was sat so still I would have thought him to be a statue if I didn't know better. I just wanted us to get over this, I wanted to fix this but at this moment-at this very moment-everything seemed so utterly hopeless. I could see it now, the giant barrier that I had built between the two of us, I could feel it. I started that wall, and somehow I was better at building it up than tearing it down-but wasn't that the case with most people?

 

You could push someone away so easily, but pulling them in? The amount of willpower and effort that took was astounding. I couldn't even begin to imagine how Niall felt when he tried to get me to let him in. He pulled and he pushed and all I did was push back with a force that eventually got the best of him. It got the best of both of us, to the point where I got so caught up trying to push him away I didn't even realize how far I'd pushed until it was too late.

 

"Alright." Niall nodded his head, breaking through not only the silence but the storm that had started to brew inside my head. I stood in his doorway, trying my best to control my growing emotions, knowing full well I could break down crying right now if I let myself-the relief I felt at his words was so immense. "Are you going to come in, or are you planning on having the contest from this distance?"

 

It was then that I realized I was still in his doorway, neither inside nor outside his room. I walked inside, my heart rating picking up as I realized this was the first time I had been inside since he started sleeping in here. This used to be the guest room, where our parents would stay when they came to visit-they hadn't done that in a while though. Actually, I hadn't seen Niall's parents since before everything between us fell apart, and my Mum just hadn't had the time to come and see me. I glanced around, surprised to find that Niall had put some pictures up in his room. I had been completely surprised when I had come home from work one day and found all the pictures in the hall were taken down.

 

I had thought that Niall had gotten rid of them all or something which in turn made me cry myself to sleep that night. It hurt to think that he could have gotten rid of our memories so easily-but now that I looked; it seemed the only photos in here were of his family. Our photos together were still missing.

 

"You can sit down Harry, I don't bite." Oh but you used to... "Alright... eh, so do you just-how do you want to do this?"

 

I swear I'd never seen a staring contest be so thought out and awkward before, in my entire life. This had to be one of the simplest games that I'd been playing since I was a kid and yet here Niall and I were making it seem like we were just about to have sex for the first time all over again. Now that was an interesting discussion, that's for sure.

 

"How about we just do it like everyone else does it?" Yes, this is exactly like our first time.

 

Niall sighed, his eyes still glancing around at everything except me, while I was taking a deep breath preparing myself to see those beautiful blue eyes of his looking right at me. I needed this, I needed this so badly and I don't even think he realized how much. I had tried to be respectful of his choices, but God damn that was so hard to do, especially when it came to Niall and I's relationship-it seemed everything was hard about our relationship.

 

"Alright, count to three and we'll begin." Niall nodded, his eyes slowly trailing up my body, and I swear every inch he glanced at was set aflame.

 

"One."

 

They were on my shoulders now, burning into them brilliantly as my shirt hung loosely around my neck.

 

"Two."

 

He had made it up to my chin now, and his gaze was unmistakable, spreading tingles throughout my entire body and setting me alight with a passion I'd been holding back for as long as I could manage, doing my best to give Niall his space while he was still living with me.

 

"Three."

 

There they were, so bright, so blue, and staring right at me, just like I'd been waiting for. My eyes couldn't have blinked even if they wanted to; I was too entranced by the fact that he was looking me straight in the eyes. I missed those eyes so much, and it was such a relief to stare into them again seeing all the flecks of gold and darker blue that I'd been trying to remember perfectly. Pictures did not do them justice-not at all.

 

The longer I stared into his eyes, the more I started to catch sight of the emotions that were buried deep inside him, and all of a sudden staring at his eyes was no longer quite so sweet. They were dull, but not because he had lost his spark or anything-but because they were filled with pain. He looked like someone was literally hurting him as we sat here, but there was nothing. No one was touching him, no one was talking to him-it was all inside his head. The pain he was feeling was entirely emotional, and I knew, I just knew I was at fault.

 

I couldn't take it, I couldn't handle to see the deep seeded, emotional turmoil that had gripped hold of Niall. I felt a million times worse once I realized the real reason he wouldn't look at me. On some level it was self-preservation, no one can take that much hurt and be completely alright, but there was another level. A level that I hadn't even realized was there until this very moment-he was protecting me. Niall was shielding me from all the hurt I'd caused him because he knew he just knew that if I saw what I had done to him it would break me even more.

 

And he was right-it did.

 

"Harry-"

 

"No." I whispered, my voice thick with the tears that were beginning to building my eyes. My breathing turning ragged as I fought for air. "No, don't you dare Niall. Don't you dare try and-just no. There is no excuse. I-I did that."

 

"Harry stop it-"

 

"Why are you still here? God damn it, why haven't you left me?! Everyone else would have left me, anyone else would have left the moment I started to push them away but you... why? Why are you doing this to yourself? Why aren't you running for the hills? Why are you living here?" My words were falling from my mouth at a rapid speed, my tears soaking my cheeks as they raced down my face, my nose was beginning to clog up and my chest hurt more than I thought possible.

 

I did that to him.

 

"I'm not anyone else, I'm me. That's why alright? I'm here because I chose to be. No one is making me, but I'm not leaving you, I won't leave you Harry." Niall's voice was calm and stern, but I wasn't listening-not properly.

 

"You shouldn't love me. No one should love me-I've broken you! Fuck, I'm still breaking you apart! Niall, why are you doing this to yourself? Liam was right-I've fucked you up so badly! Shit, you don't even seem to realize it! Are you blind? Do you honestly not see what I've done to you? You can't sleep, you can't look at me, and yet you're still here!" I was starting to panic, my tears blinding me as I tried to move back, and instead falling from the bed, landing hard on the floor, but knowing I deserved it. I deserved this pain-I deserved it.

 

"Harry shut up! Shut the fuck up!" Niall's yelling was the only thing that got through to me, his voice making its way through the battle that was raging in my head.

 

He hardly ever yelled, so that fact that Niall was yelling at me was a slap to the face in and of itself. I glanced up at him as he towered over my figure on his floor. He knelt down slowly, as he came face to face with me. Then he started to speak, and I swear I was hanging on every single painful word that fell from his beautiful lips.

 

"Sometimes I wish that I had never met you. If I never met you there would be no need to impress you. No need to want you. I wouldn't need to love you. No need to cry over you. I would have no need for all these pieces that my heart is now in. No need for pain or tears. No need to worry about forgotten promises. There would be no need for everything you've done to make me feel like absolutely nothing." He paused then, letting the knife dig all the way into my heart with an overwhelming pain-it was paralyzing.

 

"But then you know what?" He glanced down at me again, and I saw it, I saw a bit of light in those blue eyes that I loved more than anything. "If I never met you I wouldn't have had all those good memories to accompany this pain. I wouldn't know what it was like to love you, and to feel you against me. I wouldn't know what it was like to kiss you, to miss you, to love you, or to need you. Those moments, they're why I'm still here. I'm here because I saw you at your worst, I felt you at your worst, but I remember you at your best. I remember the way you loved me like no one else had ever done. I remember the way you laughed and smiled, the way you made me laugh and smile. So I'm holding on. I'm holding on because those moments-they're worth it all."

 

That's when I let loose completely, the tears streaming down my face without any pretense of stopping, but this time, there were two arms wrapped around me as well. There was the comfort of another person holding me to them, loving me even though I'd hurt them so much. I cried for our past, for our present and for our future. I cried because I loved him-I'd always loved him and I had a feeling I always would love him. I cried because I felt his tears as well-I cried for him-for us, for everything.

 

I cried, and we cried-together.


	15. Session Three: Alright

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two Is Better Than One by Boys Like Girls

**Liam’s POV**

 

“Are you alright?”

 

Zayn glanced up from his notepad, his eyes drooping severely behind his glasses, they looked rather bloodshot for being so late in the afternoon. There was stubble covering his entire face, looking as if he hadn’t shaved in a few days. Honestly, if I were to have been a random third party outsider I would have thought him to be the patient in this situation.

 

“I’m fine Liam.” He sent me a small, reserved smile. “Thanks for asking.”

 

I nodded my head in response, while I felt Louis shift a bit beside me. We were sitting incredibly closer on the sofa, but we still weren’t touching. There was a good two inches of space between the both of us and I just didn’t know how exactly to breach it. I wanted it gone, but it seemed it was going to take time before I could come into this room and sit side by side to Louis while holding his hand in mine.

 

“You know mate, you could have cancelled and taken a personal health day or something. We wouldn’t hold it against you or anything…” Louis told him, being rather polite in his response which I found oddly endearing. Louis was usually so blunt and straight forward, but this wasn’t anything like that—it was almost like he actually cared about Zayn’s well-being, which was a bit strange seeing as we’d known the man for about a month now.

 

“M’fine, really, anyways this is our last session with you for two weeks, so cancelling would have just screwed up all our progress so far.” Zayn shrugged his shoulders in a noncommittal gesture, but it didn’t make his words mean any less. He really did care about our relationship, and that was enough to make me want to give him the entire day off to spend however he saw fit.

 

“About that…” Louis trailed off, running his hands through his hair—making it rather difficult for me to pay attention. “Are you sure it’s alright? I mean, I’m sure I could do a skype call or something, our game isn’t on Wednesday or anything, it’s uh—on Thursday so like… yeah.”

 

Louis was stuttering.

 

Louis Tomlinson was stuttering. My jaw was practically lying on the floor as he blushed and butchered his entire speech. It sounded like something he’d been rehearsing for a few days, and yeah that would make sense. Louis wasn’t exactly what you would call a practiced speaker. He was more of the type who spoke from the heart in the moment—nothing was ever rehearsed with him, or well at least that’s what I thought. It turns out that even these four years I’d known him hadn’t been quite long enough to figure him out.

 

“Louis, don’t worry about this next week. Focus on winning, even if it is just a game for sport—you still want to kick ass, yeah?” Zayn looked a bit brighter as he discussed Louis’ job, and I must admit it seemed that the entire air of our session had shifted over. It no longer felt like we were in counseling, but instead just out with a mate.

 

“‘Course we do, but it’s just—this is important and I don’t want to like lose all of our progress because of some damn job that won’t matter to me in a few years.”

 

And there it was, the reason I fell so hard for Louis Tomlinson. Niall was right, he was beyond right actually when saying that when Louis loved, he gave everything he had to it. He was dedicated to his football career, of course he was, but he was even more dedicated to these sessions—meaning he was even more dedicated to me.

 

“Well I’m glad to see you’ve got your priorities in place, that’s rather rare for people, especially when they have such public careers.” I listened intently to Zayn, and it was the first time I’d seen Lou’s job for what it was.

 

He’d been approached by people a few times while we were out together somewhere, but it was never anything major. It wasn’t until I was sitting in the stadium on game days that I even remembered just how big his job really was. People sat around the stadiums with his jersey on—Tomlinson proudly embroidered on the back, a big black seventeen below it. He was rather popular in the world of sports, but it never interfered with our lives—because ultimately Louis didn’t allow it to.

 

“At the end of the day, it’s just a job.” Louis shrugged, but I doubt he realized just how much those words meant to me—how much they still meant to me.

 

“Aren’t they all?” Zayn’s sighed, his words coming out heavy, laden with a deep seeded sadness that I wasn’t quite able to comprehend. “What about your job Liam? How do you feel about it?”

 

“It’s been an adventure, that’s for sure, but I always knew starting my own label would be—plus I have Niall helping me out on the side and he’s been great. It’s rather nice to work with a mate.” And it really was too, Niall’s job schedule was rather flexible, and when he was able to help me out, he’d be right there in a heartbeat.

 

“You think working with that Irish twat is fun? What is wrong with your head Li? Did you not get enough rest last night or something? He’s an absolute pain in the ass, no pun intended.” Louis winked at me, and I felt my heartbeat rise as I fought to keep to my side of the sofa—though damn was that hard with Louis sitting right there.

 

How the hell did I think leaving him would be a good idea?

 

“Oh God, Louis shut up!” I rolled my eyes, before turning back to Zayn who was smiling rather widely at the two of us, his eyes looking a little better all crinkled like they were.

 

“How have you two been getting along?”

 

“Better.” I blurted out without a second thought, there was no need to think about it—or at least that’s what I thought.

 

“That’s good to hear Liam, why do you think you two are doing better?”

 

I glanced down at my lap, knowing full well it was all my doing, hell this whole thing was my doing. It wasn’t a secret that I had screwed shit up for us, me and my damn overthinking and all those stupid words. I had a list, an entire list of words I didn’t like to be called, and hopeless was barely brushing the surface. It was just one of those things that came with life that most people called baggage, though I believed that I had a bit more than most people. Yet, at the same time my life was no where near Louis’ past. In retrospect I felt like a crybaby for having issues with the things I had issues with. Louis was so much stronger than I ever hoped to be.

 

“I’m trying.” I whispered, my voice low and muffled as I tried to speak my mind without embarrassing myself. It was no use really, because in the end the words still meant the same thing.

 

That’s what it all came down to, I screwed up. I doomed Louis and I’s relationship to fail because I was placing him in a position that he had never earned. He didn’t deserve to be thought of, as I thought of him a few months ago. He didn’t deserve any of the shit that came from my breakdown—the one that I had still yet to tell him about it. I didn’t want to make him mad. I just—I wanted to forget that that time in my life ever happened. I wanted to be the Liam I was today, not the Liam I had been ten or so years ago.

 

“That’s—well that’s wonderful to hear Liam. What changed your mind?”

 

I shrugged, knowing full well what changed my mind but deciding against sharing it just yet. We had time to get everything out in the open, and in due time it would all come out. Every single thing that was hard to talk about, to share, to acknowledge would be out in the open for Louis to hear and analyze. I didn’t want anything too heavy this session, I just wanted to be able to enjoy the fact that Louis and I had a good week. It was our first good week, and it was bloody well going to be celebrated if only with the fact that we didn’t leave this session feeling like absolute shit or with tear stained cheeks.

 

“What about you Louis, how do you think you two are doing?”

 

Louis was silent for a minute, and I could feel myself starting to sweat. Did he think we weren’t doing as well as I did? God, this wasn’t supposed to be so nerve wracking.

 

“I think we’ve hit a point, and that point is good, yeah it’s good. We’ve somehow found a way to be around each other, and I think it’s because of our last session to be honest. Opening yourself up can really make it easier for others to accept you. I don’t know though… I’d say we’re alright. That’s all I’ve got.” Louis kept his eyes trained on the ground and I couldn’t help but stare holes into the side of his head.

 

“Alright? Why are we just alright Louis?” I choked, my voice getting a bit hoarse as I stared him down.

 

“Liam, what has changed? What’s happened between us in the last week that makes you think we’ve come so far or whatever the fuck you want to call it? Sure, we’re talking, yeah we did our assignment successfully the first time this week, but other than that? All we’ve done is be in the same room together. Hell, I’ve only seen you twice since last week, and both of those times we were with Niall and Harry. Not that that’s a bad thing by any means, I’m glad we’re slowly starting to be around each other as a group again, but we aren’t anywhere near fixed. Hell, we’re barely even open. All we’ve really done is discuss the fact that we have problems together, and apart. We’ve got baggage and mine just happens to be my family while yours… God only knows Liam.”

 

I was speechless—no I was more than speechless, I was mortified. Had I been seeing things that weren’t there? Had I been recreating all those small moments—the moments where Louis held me close to him and I felt like he’d never let me go? I was trying, he had to see I had finally decided to give this a real shot. I mean, I hugged him for fuck’s sake! I haven’t gone out of my way to give him a hug since…

 

“What the actual fuck?”

 

The words slipped from my mouth without any approval from me. I didn’t—God did he really—what is even going on?

 

“Liam.” Louis looked at me, his eyes intent and flooding with emotions, as I glared his way. “You’re making it seem like we’ve taken these huge steps in our relationship. Stop doing that—you know we haven’t. We’ve made steps, of course we have, but that’s only the start. We are doing better, but we’re not better, and I know you know that—so stop giving me that look. You can’t make a molehill seem like a mountain. We’ve only just crossed over the starting line and there are miles to go.”

 

I glanced towards Zayn, no longer feeling quite as good about myself as I had when I first arrived. I don’t know what it was, maybe it was seeing our doctor look worse than me, but I felt like I was on cloud nine and Louis had just sent me plummeting back to earth. That in and of itself was unusual, usually it was me who was realistic and Louis who looked too much into things. What was going on with the sudden role reversals?

 

“Well then, thank you for your honestly Louis.” I vaguely caught Louis nodding his head beside me, a bit stiff but he was nodding all the same. I remained staring forward, watching Zayn as he glanced down at his clipboard. “Alright, so it seems communication is a rather large barrier between the two of you, would you disagree?”

 

“No.” Louis and I said simultaneously.

 

“Alright then, so how did you two communicate before you broke up?”

 

I sucked in a breath, remembering those times very well. It wasn’t that we didn’t communicate exactly so much as we just—didn’t talk about certain things. We didn’t discuss our pasts, because our pasts were both sore subjects. We didn’t like to step on each other’s toes so we ended up just not talking.

 

“We didn’t.” Louis answered for us, realizing I wasn’t going to speak anytime soon. “Liam is a rather private person and when he’s upset about something he just—well he shuts down. He goes all resigned and silently brooding until he just up and leaves. He walks out the door without a simple goodbye, and I don’t know where he ever went. I didn’t know when to expect him back, so I’d wait by the door, I’d fall asleep by the door and still—I’d wait, because I knew there would be a day when he just didn’t come back. He always did though, and when he’d return he’d carry me to bed and lay down on the opposite side like I had an infectious disease. When we woke up in the mornings he’d pretend the previous day hadn’t happened, because that’s just what Liam did. He ignored the problem, and so I would as well.”

 

I clenched my jaw, feeling rather put off that he could be so judgmental. How could he even know what I was going through during those times? He didn’t, and he never would understand it, so there was no point to talk about it. I knew how to fix it, so why would I pull Louis down with me?

 

“Liam do you have anything you’d like to say?” Zayn was staring at me, and I just knew he could tell I had something to add, but my lips were sealed. I couldn’t force myself to speak even if I had wanted to—and I certainly didn’t want to. All I wanted to do was go home and lay down. I wanted to be able to hide under my covers and pretend that this day hadn’t even happened. I wanted to wake up with a smile on my face just as I had this morning.

 

“This is exactly what he does. He won’t say anything—no matter how hard I tried, he wouldn’t even acknowledge me. In the end it just became easier to stop trying and simply leave him be. He’d come around eventually but I always knew he was going to blow at some point. I always knew that someday he’d finally explode—he never did. I don’t know how he never did but he just… didn’t.”

 

“Well I guess we should wrap things up for the day then, we need Liam to be willing to participate if this is going to help anything.” Zayn sighed wearily, and it was then that I caught sight of his tired eyes once more, and the guilt began to pile up.

 

I was such a selfish bastard, damn it! Here I was talking to Zayn—or well not talking to Zayn—when he was dealing with something himself. He was sacrificing himself to help Louis and I. He didn’t cancel on us simply because he was a good person. I have no doubt that any other psychiatrist would have taken a personal day, and waited the two weeks before seeing us again. Zayn was different—Zayn genuinely cared.

 

“Yeah, that’s probably a good idea.” Louis conceded, and I don’t know why but I felt a little hurt that he didn’t put up more of a fight. Did I really do this so often?

 

I tried to think back to all the times I shut off and let myself simply cope with everything that was running through my head. I honestly couldn’t remember the amount of times it happened. I couldn’t remember how many times I’d shut down on Louis like this because they all meshed together. It was just one giant glob of a memory now.

 

“Alright, well sometime before I see you both again I’d just like you to try and do something nice for the other. It can be small, or it can be big. You decide, but it seems like the two of you could use a few pick me ups, and it’s a good way to think of the other and less of yourself. So find something, and do it.”

 

Zayn continued to speak to the two of us before leading us out the door, a tired smile on his face as he said goodbye and wished us well. Louis stayed back to talk to him about something and I walked down to the lifts, not feeling completely one hundred percent. Once I finally made it to my car, everything seemed to hit at once, and suddenly I needed to know. Louis had to tell me because I couldn’t figure this out myself. It didn’t take him too long to join me in the car park and when he did, he simply walked past me, sending me a tired smile that matched Zayn’s rather well. I grabbed his wrist before he could get too far, and yanked him back towards me.

 

“Wait.” I croaked, my voice thick and rough from the silence I’d been upholding. “How many times?”

 

“How many times what, Liam?” Louis looked rather confused, and I did my best not to roll my eyes at him.

 

“How many times did I do that?”

 

Louis glanced down at the ground, tugging his hand from my wrist to run through his hair. We stood in a tense silence for a few minutes before he lifted his head and looked me straight in the eye.

 

 

“Seventy-two times.”


	16. Session Three: Masochist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dreams by Bastille and Gabrielle Aplin

**Zayn’s POV**

 

 

Broken.

 

I’ve met one too many people who encompass that word completely. It’s not a secret that there are so many hurting people in the world, everyone has problems no matter how small and insignificant they may seem. It’s just—I want to help them. I want to talk to them and fix their problems or at the very least, help them deal with their issues. After I received the help I needed a few years ago, I knew this was exactly what I needed. I needed to spend my life being there for people.

 

I needed to be there for people like Harry and Niall.

 

“So um… what exactly is going on between the two of you?” I asked, seeing as how they were both sitting closer together today, yet Harry was the one who couldn’t seem to look at Niall, his eyes were instead cast down at the ground, his shoulders slumped over in what could only be shame.

 

Niall let out a heavy sigh, glancing at Harry before finally settling his eyes on me, the blue in them was a bit brighter than before. He chewed on his cheek for a few minutes before shaking his head, as if he was changing his mind about something. It was times like these that I really wished I could read people’s minds, it would make my job so much easier if I knew what they were thinking and not just what they were saying.

 

“We um… well we did our assignment.” Harry tensed up at that, and I could feel my curiosity peaking, I had had high hopes for this assignment. “It uh—well it didn’t go too well.”

 

I nodded my head, completely expecting that to be the case. It wasn’t as if I thought the two of them would be able to go back to staring into each other’s eyes as if nothing had happened. It was more the fact that they at least had to look at each other, if only for a few seconds. It was just the act of seeing one another again, and really looking.

 

“I expected as much.” I said, reaching up and adjusting my glasses once more before turning back to them. “What happened then?”

 

“He… well I’m not even sure how to explain it.” Niall spoke carefully, as if he was slowly picking out his words.

 

“You want to know what happened?” Harry spoke up, surprising the both of us, with his sudden interest in participating. His eyes were rather bloodshot, his nose a little red and his face didn’t have as much color as usual. It seemed whatever happened had affected him the most. “I’m a fucking dick—and he’s a masochist.”

 

“Oh God, here we go.” Niall murmured just as Harry sat up again.

 

“Why is Niall a masochist?”

 

“Why isn’t he? He’s been hurting for months because of me and yet he hasn’t left me. Do you not see a problem with this or is it just me? I mean for God’s sakes, I love Niall so much it honestly hurts me. Yet, I know he shouldn’t be here. He shouldn’t be sitting beside me because I don’t… I don’t deserve him. If anything I deserve to lose him. I deserve to watch him fall in love with someone else and to just see him—god damn it!” Harry’s tears began to run down his face, as he brought his hands up to wipe them away.

 

“Harry, oh my God stop. Stop it right now. We’ve talked about this—or well, I talked about this. I love you, yes you hurt me, but I love you. Love gives you the strength needed to go through whatever problems you have. I will be here and I will be here for you, so you better shut the hell up and do the same for me.” Niall’s words came out sharp and hard, but it seemed that they reached some part of Harry as he turned to Niall and started to cry.

 

“I’m sorry Niall—I’m so sorry. I love you baby, I’ve always loved you. I’m sorry.” He was choking on his words, and crumbling before our eyes, but Niall simply moved his body over and tucked Harry into his side and allowed him to get it all out. Harry buried his head into Niall’s chest, apologies falling from his lips like water from a facet.

 

“Well,” I started off, rather shocked by the scene before me. Niall was one strong son of a bitch that was for sure. “Niall you seem to be handling him rather well. Did this happen during your staring contests as well?”

 

“Contest.” Niall automatically interceded, looking a bit uncomfortable; I just nodded encouragement for him to continue. “It all started then yes, and well he’s just sort of been on the edge ever since. I’ve been trying to explain to him that we’re getting help but he just—well he isn’t listening. I have to get so firm for him to even stop saying that shit. It’s like something inside him just broke and I… I don’t know what to do Zayn.”

 

The look of utter desperation that was hidden in Niall’s eyes took me by surprise. He seemed so completely exhausted. They were both broken, they were both so broken and I knew I’d have to break them even more. I’d have to get to the bottom of this is they wanted a chance to make it. Their relationship was more complicated than that of Louis and Liam’s because they broke each other. Or well, Harry seemed to have done something to Niall. It was almost like he’d done something over a long period of time what with the way that Niall seemed to be reacting to Harry. He was holding him in his arms, but there was still a distance. It looked more like Niall was holding a stranger than the man he loved. I could see it, Niall wasn’t comfortable with Harry in his arms, but it was helping Harry and so he did it. Niall really did seem to be a masochist.

 

“Well Niall, what do you think you should do?” I had an idea but I was rather curious as to what Niall would do.

 

“Well I thought about calling his Mum or something, she’s always been able to calm him down. Maybe I could call his sister, Gemma? He has a really good relationship with her as well so…” He shook his head a bit as he looked down at Harry, watching as the lad was completely oblivious to everything but the string of barely audible apologies that were still falling from his lips.

 

“Do they know everything that’s been going on between the two of you? You don’t want to spring anything on them that might surprise them or shock them.”

 

Niall sighed a bit, watching Harry intently for a moment, running his hand over his back before backing away just as quickly. He was fighting a battle, and I wasn’t sure how well he was doing with it. Obviously Niall wasn’t quite in the best state of mind to be so close to Harry but I could also see how much he loved the man beside him. It was clear as day on his face that he loved Harry, and that would give anyone hope, well anyone who was looking at least. Harry, on the other hand, wasn’t looking, making that the look in Niall’s eyes completely useless.

 

“I don’t know… I haven’t talked to them in a while to be honest. I’ve just been keeping my distance.” Niall looked a bit ashamed as he admitted that, and I found it oddly curious as to why.

 

“Why were you keeping your distance from them? Do you not like them or…?”

 

“Oh God no! I love them, honestly they’re wonderful people and Anne’s new husband is also rather lovely it’s just… Well I was keeping my distance from all things Harry and they’re certainly a major part of Harry, so being around them would have just been a bit painful s’all.” It still looked like Niall was holding something back, something major—at least to him, and now was as good time as any to pry into his head, at least it was while Harry was calming down.

 

“Were you keeping your distance because of what happened between the two of you or was there a specific reason? It just seems like there’s more to it, more to your actions at least than a simple thing that would be painful. I mean, look at you now.” I picked up my hand gesturing to the position he was in with Harry. “You’re sitting with him but it hurts you to be in this position, yet it’s for Harry and so you’re willing to go through that. Harry gives you the strength to continue on. So then, if that’s true, why were you avoiding his family?”

 

It seemed I’d hit a nerve, but it wasn’t a bad one. Niall didn’t look angry or sad, he just looked tired. He looked like someone had just come in and ripped away all his energy. Harry was no longer talking, and he was starting to sit up on his own again, his eyes were puffy, his nose was running and red, he looked like a mess, but he was looking at Niall. He was once again looking at Niall and this time it was Niall who couldn’t look at him. It was Niall who couldn’t look at any of us as he chewed on his cheek and wiped his hands on his lap over and over again.

 

We sat in a tense silence for a quite a while before he looked up. He had so many different emotions running along his face, it was hard to pinpoint a specific one. There was a bit of shame, some self-loathing maybe and a hint of what looked like regret.

 

“I was trying to take Liam’s advice.” Niall murmured, catching me other guard by his soft voice.

 

“And what was that?”

 

“To let go.”

 

There was sharp intake of breath from Harry; it seemed Niall had expected this reaction as he just looked even more ashamed. Harry fiddled with his fingers, doing his best not to burst out into tears once more but a few leaked from his eyes all the same. We were getting somewhere that was for sure, but it was in such a way that I could feel the hurt radiating off the two of them in waves.

 

“How long were you trying to do that Niall?” Harry’s voice was rough and raspy from all the crying he’d done, but that wasn’t even the worst of it. What was so bad was the fact that Harry looked as if he’d just be confirmed of some awful news about his life.

 

“I’d been um…” He brought his hand up running it through his hair before stopping and pulling it for a bit. “Fuck, three months. I’d been distancing myself for three months before you came over to Liam’s with Louis and pushed this at me. I didn’t want to agree and I didn’t because I knew it wouldn’t help me. Coming here and talking about everything in our past wouldn’t help me to let you go, getting us help wouldn’t help me. At least, it wouldn’t help me in the sense of me trying to leave. Then you came in and you just—you were so desperate, and you wanted to fix us. I could see how much this meant to you and I just—I couldn’t say no. I couldn’t leave you when you wanted so badly to fix us. I wouldn’t, so I agreed and now… now I’m here with you.”

 

“How close was I? How close was I to loosing you?” Harry seemed to have calmed down, or maybe he’d even shut down as his words came out calm and soft. There wasn’t a hint of bitterness to them, it was like they were bland and they meant nothing. He just… well he shut it off.

 

“I’d been looking for flats for about a week. After seeing Liam move out and find himself a decent place it gave me a bit of hope that I’d be able to do the same. I mean, it wasn’t that hard to get a flat, I’d done it plenty of times before. I kept the listings under my bed—I knew you wouldn’t see it there and I just kept to myself.” Niall however, seemed to have finally been opening up a bit. While Harry was introverting into himself, Niall was slowly showing a piece of himself he’d been reluctant to before.

 

“Did you find one?”

 

“I had set up an appointment for a Thursday but then we had this so… I cancelled it.” Niall rested his elbows on his knees and shook his head a bit before propping his head up a look of acceptance sweeping over his face. “I told you I’d give you six months and I meant it. I haven’t looked since.”

 

“Where was it?”

 

“Why does it mat—“

 

“Just please Niall, where was it at?” Harry was in full on business mood, his posture was perfect, his face clean of any and all emotions and suddenly I caught of glimpse of who Harry might have been towards Niall a few months back. I could understand why he would have trouble being around him if he was so cold towards him—so shut off like he didn’t even matter.

 

“It was by Liam’s office.” Niall had brought his free hand up and began to chew on his nails as he avoided all eye contact with Harry.

 

“You were moving across town?” Harry’s voice broke, and I caught the first crack in façade.

 

“It wasn’t for sure, I was just checking it out, keeping my options open.”

 

“You wanted to be that far away from me?”

 

“God Harry no. You’re taking this all out of—“

 

“Niall, I know you. I know you very well and I know how much you love where our flat is located. You used to tell me that all the time. You said you’d always wanted to live in this area and you never wanted to leave it. The fact that you were thinking of moving all the way across town says more than you’ll ever know. I may not be the best at communicating—I have my faults, and many of them—but I know you. I’ve known you for three and half years. I’ve loved you for over half of those years—so please don’t lie.”

 

Niall was shocked into silence, his mouth literally hanging open as he stared at Harry. It seemed even through all of Harry’s speech Niall had been entranced. He seemed to be surprised that Harry knew so much about him and that only brought further questions into my head. Did Niall think that Harry didn’t care for him? Did Harry never show how he felt while they were dating? There were so many places for this conversation to go but things were already running a little behind and I wouldn’t have time to go over it today.

 

“Well we’ve made quite the progress today, thank you both for being so forthcoming and willing to share. I’d say this is probably the most productive we’ve been since we’ve started, so thank you for that.” Harry nodded his head, and Niall simply stared at me with wide eyes, still seemingly a bit overwhelmed by Harry’s previous speech. “Alright so I know you two may not be exactly comfortable with this week’s assignment but I think it’s going to be a good thing. For things to work out for the both of you, you’re going to need support outside of each other. You’ll need more support than simply Liam and Louis. You just need more.”

 

“So what are you saying? Please don’t tell me you’re going to be sending us to group therapy. I don’t think I could handle that.” Harry spoke up, his face scrunching up in distaste as the words left his mouth.

 

“Group therapy? Is there even such a thing like that for couples? I always thought it was to get individual help like anger management or something…” Niall stared at Harry who simply shrugged his shoulders.

 

“I don’t know, I think we need to stop getting all our information from television, because it seems like we’re both clueless.” Harry chuckled, a bit and I caught sight of it. I caught a glance into the past with the way there were acting around each other for the briefest of moments.

 

It was like they were friends again, like nothing had happened and they were simply discussing a game on the telly or something of the sort. I saw hope for them in that moment because for the tiniest second it looked like the friendship they started off with was still there, it was just buried deep under all the rubbish they’d been through both together and because of each other. It was that moment that I realized why Niall was still here, still fighting for Harry. It wasn’t because he was a masochist and enjoyed being in pain, but it was because he remembered a time before all this. He remembered what it was like to be happy with Harry and he was rather brave to stick around. Niall saw the past, the present and he had hope for the future, while Harry only saw what was happening in the here and now. There was hope for the two of them, but it seemed only Niall was able to see it.

 

“I’d like you to get in touch with each other’s families, and just see how they’ve been. I don’t know how well you know them, but that doesn’t matter. You need both of your families behind in this all. It’s bigger than the both of you and if you try and do this alone you’re sure to drown in it.”

 

I just hoped this would help them.


	17. Numb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mr. Brightside by Monsters Calling Home

**Niall’s POV**

 

“Mum I know, but please just do this… for me?” I sighed, raking my mitten clad fingers through my tousled hair. The wind was blowing rather violently today, the chill more biting than usual, but I had decided a walk would do me good. I needed to get out of the flat for this conversation.

 

“Niall baby, why?” Mum asked, her voice hoarse as she struggled to hold back the words I knew she had. She’d been kind enough to allow me to talk to her without telling me why Harry and I together was no longer a good thing for me. I knew she didn’t understand but in a way, she did. She had tried her best with Dad all those years ago, and even though things still hadn’t worked out for them, no one could say she didn’t give it her best shot.

 

I was just trying to do the same.

 

“It’s for our assignment. I just need you to talk to him, talk to him like nothing’s happened please Ma. I know you can do it, I know you love him like another son. Just… do this for me alright?” I pulled my coat tight around my chest as another gust of wind hit me hard.

 

“I know Niall, but you are my son. You will always come first.” She was giving in, her tone less hard than it had been when I’d first called her.

 

“I know, so put me first, and do this for me please?” I was using my soft Mama’s little boy voice, and I knew it had done the trick when I heard her curse on the other end of the line.

 

“Alright, I’ll talk to him and send him all my love, just like always.” My lips pulled into a smile a bit too quickly as the chapped skin split giving me a paper cut on my bottom lip.

 

Fucking wind.

 

“How’s Louis doing?” It made me smile at the concern that was overflowing from Mum’s lips as she said Louis’ name. He was more like a son to her than I was sometimes, her motherly instincts taking over when she realized just how much Louis needed a family—and of course he received ours in return.

 

“Louis’ doing alright, he got Liam to agree to therapy when they aren’t even together anymore, so I’d say he’s the same old Louis. Though, I do know it’s rather hard on him at times. He doesn’t show it in front of Liam, not that bit, but I’ve seen it. You should give him a call sometime. I’m sure he could use a Mum right now, or at least some family time. He’ll be in Ireland in a few days with the team so maybe you and Greg and everyone can go and support him? Surprise him or something?”

 

“Oh yes! Of course we can do that. I’ve missed talking to him, and I’ll be certain to do that. When did Jay last call?” I sighed heavily, shaking my head a bit while circling the park for the seventh time.

 

“She hasn’t called him in months, Lottie was the last one to call, to tell him that he had two new siblings, but she didn’t. It hurt him a good one Mum, it just… it started to look like the old Louis, ya know? And I’m wondering if maybe… maybe he did something again, and this time it drove Liam off. I mean, you saw how in love the two of them were, there had to be something or another. Right?”

 

The constant movement of my legs was setting me off, my fingers twitching as I awaited my Mum’s answer. It was so hard to think back to that dark time. Louis had been so unlike himself that Mum literally made him stay at our house. He got his own room, we stopped by his house to grab all of his things and he just moved right in, lived with us ever since. At least he did until we moved to the heart of London together, him and I getting a flat while he played footie for one of the best teams in the league. He’d always had a natural talent, and I was honestly so proud of him as was the rest of the family. Louis became an honorary Horan all those years ago, and it was only natural for us to take care of him like he was one—and deep down he really was.

 

“I think there’s more to this whole thing than either of us know Niall. Sure, Louis certainly played a part in it but Liam had his role as well. You just have to look for the clues, and eventually you’ll see it.” I furrowed my brow in frustration, I just wanted to know what happened to I could do something for them, I needed somewhere else to focus my attention—somewhere that didn’t include Harry. “Anyways, baby I have to go. I’ll see you in a few months, I love you.”

 

“Love you too Mum, have fun with Lou.”

 

After we hung up I decided I wasn’t quite ready to go home as I took a seat on a bench by the walk. Things had been a bit chilly ever since Thursday, but I felt much lighter having gotten that confession off of my chest. It was hard to even sit near Harry when I knew that I’d had such a big secret I was hiding from him—it just felt wrong. At the time though, it had honestly felt like the only option. I’d been suffocating in that small flat with Harry and the thought of having my own space without having to worry about running into him sounded like a gift. Then Harry had to fuck that plan right up, and even though I’d been unwilling and would have never in a million years chosen therapy, I was glad Harry did. I was glad that he was so persistent about this and that he was being honest and open because he’d been cut off from me for so long I’d almost forgotten what it felt like.

 

I forgot what it was like when Harry spoke to me with tears streaming down his face. I forgot what it was like when he would hold me like I was the only thing keeping him grounded—I just forgot. Not that forgetting was unexpected, when things are said—or in our case, not said—they eat away at you. Your doubts become your truth and your life just slowly turns upside down until a little shove is all you need to go spiraling down to the bottom. I hit it, I hit it hard and now? Now I was left to somehow learn about Harry and I all over again. Holding him felt like holding a stranger because in all reality, that’s what he was to me now. He was just a stranger that I loved—and I did love him. I really did, but I also didn’t know this Harry, he was so different than before. I didn’t know how to love him.

 

Then there was me, and God damn it—this feeling inside just hurt. It hurt that I didn’t know him anymore, especially after I had known him for so long. I’d known Harry long enough to date two people before he asked me out, and then there was no going back. I couldn’t give a shit about anyone else because Harry was all I saw, he was the one I loved most, but now… I just didn’t know anymore. I was so unsure of myself that I was second guessing everything I did. Words flowed slowly out of my mouth when they used to pour out of me without a thought. Every move was calculated, every touch uneasy, and the battle raging inside my head was as strong as ever.

 

Was this all worth it?

 

Were Harry and I really it for each other, or was this just some fucked up shit of a relationship that you learned from and then moved on? Was there someone out there better suited for me, or maybe even better suited for Harry? What if I was holding him back from finding his soul mate? What if I was that guy in all those movies that kept the two lovers apart because he was too blind to see he wasn’t the main character in the story, but instead simply a side character that was easily tossed away? Was I a roadblock in Harry’s way?

 

It no longer angered me to think of Harry with someone else. It wasn’t a subject that made me particularly happy, no of course not, but yet it didn’t cause me to see red or to breathe heavier than a fire breathing dragon. Instead it just made me sad, a deep seated sadness that squeezed at my heart painfully. I had accepted the fact that Harry and I just might not work out, it’s come so close to a reality I almost had to. My anger had cooled so much that a numbness had settled where the flames had once consumed my heart with Harry, and now nothing really made me feel alive—nothing hit me and stuck with me. I was just… numb.

 

Of course I meant what I had said to Harry, but it was only those times when he peaked my frustration and anger with his words and his actions and the bitter hatred he held inside for himself that I would snap. My anger would burn deep inside and my emotions would just come pouring out. The words he needed to hear and the words I’d tried so hard to lock away would resurface and I just felt pathetic. Here I was, still as gone for Harry as I had been when we first kissed, as if nothing had changed. It was like my heart couldn’t understand what my mind was trying to tell it. It couldn’t let Harry go and I just didn’t know what to do anymore.

 

I was just so tired.

 

My phone began to buzz in my pocket and I slowly plucked it out, doing my best to slide my frozen fingers over the glass screen, not bothering to look at the name and instead focusing on the flecks of snow beneath my boot. It was almost as if the weather knew exactly what I was feeling inside and decided that it would wear the cold as well. I sighed, realizing just how insane I had to sound as I brought the phone up to my ear, shutting my eyes in the process and closing myself off from everything except the voice in my ear.

 

“Hello?” I asked, leaning back against the bench and made myself comfortable.

 

“Niall?” My breath hitched a bit as his voice made its way through my ear. I hadn’t talked to him since Thursday and now he was calling me. I honestly just couldn’t understand him sometimes.

 

“Yeah?” My voice sounded rough, even to my ears, the cold making everything a bit stiff.

 

“Can you just…” He trailed off, his breath hitching a bit before he continued. “Can you just talk to me? I just, I miss talking to you.”

 

My eyes snapped open facing directly towards the grey sky as snow fell onto my face. I blinked a couple times trying to decide if I was dreaming or not, but after a few hard blinks and a couple pinches I got the picture, and instantly I started to worry. Harry didn’t call me and talk about stuff like this—he just didn’t.

 

“What do you want to talk about?” I coughed, trying my best to sound calm, though I was anything but.

 

“Something that’s perfectly fine and untainted. I just want to talk about things we used to talk about like dreams and places and things we want to do. I dunno…”

 

I pulled my phone away from my ear to double check that it was really Harry on the other end of the line and not some pod named Louis. Yet, it wasn’t. It was Harry—it was his voice and his questions and his desires. He just wanted to talk—to me.

 

“Alright um…” I brought my hand up to my hair tugging on it a bit before biting my cheek in concentration. “Do you still want to bike across Ireland?”

 

It was silent for a bit and I wondered if maybe, maybe this hadn’t been what he wanted. Did he want me to just talk about new things, or were we supposed to dive into our past knowledge of each other? I seemed to be overthinking everything today, and it was certainly not good for my health.

 

“Yeah, I still want to do that. It’s a beautiful country, but you know that.” I smiled a bit, because yes Ireland was certainly beautiful. I missed it terribly at times, nothing here was quite like it was over there. There were similarities but it just wasn’t the same. “Do you, umhm—where are you?”

 

I sighed, glancing back and forth before standing up, my arse completely frozen, and my legs acted a bit like jello. It was time to head back home I supposed, and the wind really was picking up a bit harder now, making sitting outside seem more like a dare than a choice.

 

“I'm at the park, why?”

 

I started off down the street, listening closely as Harry’s breath hitched once more, a sniffle following close behind and I couldn’t help but wonder why. Why was Harry making it sound like—oh God.

 

“No reason.”

 

It was too late for his innocent act now, but I couldn’t really find it in me to be angry at this exact moment, instead I was simply hurt. I was hurt that he thought I would leave him without a word; I was hurt that he thought so low of me, but more than anything I was hurt that that was even a thought. Was it really so bad for me to take a call outside? Did that suddenly warrant his crazy thoughts or was it just me—was this once again my fault?

 

I had been honest with him and owned up to the fact that yes; I was planning on moving out. Still though, did he really not believe me when I said I’d stopped looking? Was it so hard to believe that I would keep my promise to stick around for at least six months? I had never given him any reason to doubt me, and yet it seemed that was all he ever did. He second guessed, he overthought, and he doubted my every move.

 

Why?

 

“I’ll be home soon.” I didn’t even wait for his reply as I ended the phone call, knowing I probably just hurt his feelings once again but I couldn’t have given a flying fuck at the moment, instead I was too far gone somewhere else.

 

It was like my mind had taken a vacation all its own and was just sorting through every single thing that happened between the two of us. I was remembering his hands and how they kept me at such a distance, and his smiles—how tight they had been. His eyes wouldn’t shine when we were out and his laugh was all but a memory in my head. Why did he do that? Why didn’t he just act like we meant something? I just wanted it to meant something—to the both of us.

 

The thing was, it did mean something. This last month had been a testament to just how much it meant. Harry cared, he cared more than he ever seemed to but why? Why didn’t he treat me like he does now, before? Why couldn’t he hold me the way Liam held Louis, or kiss me the way Louis kissed Liam? Why was everything so hard between us? After all this time, after all these thoughts I still couldn’t wrap my head around it. I couldn’t understand how Harry could make me feel like I was the only thing that mattered in the entire world and then turn right around and leave me feeling like the most insignificant grain of sand.

 

I needed to know why, but I wasn’t ready yet. I knew I wasn’t ready yet because the tears had welled up in my eyes once more, and when I was ready to know—tears wouldn’t show. I couldn’t cry in front of Harry because he didn’t deserve anymore more pain. He didn’t deserve to feel like scum on the bottom of someone’s shoe—or maybe he did and I just couldn’t bear to see it through. The thought of Harry miserable because of tears that I was more than capable of hiding was absurd. He didn’t need to see them, he shouldn’t see them, it was the last thing I had left.

 

I had my strength, I was the strong one and I wasn’t going to let that change.

 

Harry had been strong, but there was always an underlying something that made me believe he wasn’t quite as strong as I had first believed. There was something there, something he had yet to tell me and I didn’t know what it was I should be looking for, or where to look for it. Harry needed help, and we were finally getting it, but he needed more—Zayn was right—we both did.

 

It wasn’t enough to just have Liam and Louis beside us, we needed everyone. We needed our families and suddenly I didn’t feel so nervous about the phone call I was about to make. I didn’t feel like this was going to send me falling off a tight rope and into an ocean of tears, instead I felt like for the first time in a long time there was some strength that I could pull from somewhere else. There were more people out there that could help me, and it was about time I took advantage of that.

 

So as I walked down the street back to Harry and I’s flat, I took out my phone and dialed a number I’ve stared at for far too long without doing anything. She answered on the third ring, and she sounded just as happy as ever.

 

“Hey Anne, you got a second? It’s Niall.”


	18. Session Four: Seventy-Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Try by Simple Plan

**Liam’s POV**

 

“You’re going? Without him?” Niall asked, his voice ringing out through the speaker of my phone, as I walked into the building. “Liam that’s… wow.”

 

I sighed, running my hand through my tousled hair as I waited for the lift. Niall was silent in my ear, and I knew he was thinking hard about what I’d just told him. It wasn’t like I had been the most forthcoming when it came to my relationship with Louis, that was… well obvious. I had been rather quiet about the whole thing really. It must have seemed rather sudden to him, and I guess it really was rather sudden—my leaving Louis.

 

I guess that’s why people say to never make rash decisions while angry, or sad, or just overly emotional, because in the end the decision you made wasn't always for the best. You don’t always mean what you say, or what you’ve done, and I didn’t. I really didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean to take it out on Louis and now he thinks—he thinks I’m like them. He honestly planned for this, he knew I was going to leave, even before I did—he knew.

 

I fucking hate it.

 

I let him down, I let him down so many times, and I just—I just loved him. Fuck, I still love him. I love the way he smiles, the way he laughs, the way he is. I love his love for life, I love that even though his family is majorly fucked up he is still just as perfect, he’s Louis. There is no perfect description for him, because he is just Louis. He’s the man who pisses me off before making me laugh like I never had before. He’s the man who loves with his whole heart—who loves me with his whole heart.

 

I’ve hurt him, God damn it I’ve hurt him so much and yet he’s still strong. He is like an impenetrable wall and it scares me. It scares me that one day it’s all going to be too much and he’s going to break. Something is going to break him, and I just… I don’t want that to happen. Louis can’t break, because I need him. I need him to remain the same. I need him to never look at me with those sad eyes, I need him to remain the man I love.

 

I need to fix this.

 

“I’ve fucked up Niall, it’s about time I did something about it, don’t you think?” I asked, as I got in the lift.

 

“I’m just…” Niall paused, I could hear some shuffling in the background before he spoke up again. “I’m so proud of you Li. I really am, thank you. Thank you for trying again. He needs you, he really does, even if he doesn’t show it so much—you are what he needs. Just, don’t hurt him anymore please? I love you Liam, but Louis is my brother, and I’m so done with people hurting him. He deserves more.”

 

I closed my eyes tight, willing the stinging in my eyes to disappear. Niall was right, he was more than right. Louis deserved more, he deserved so much more than the hand he had been dealt and it was about time I started to show him how much he mattered. He mattered, he really did.

 

“I know Niall, I know.” I whispered, just as the lift opened onto my floor. I said a rushed goodbye to him before I hung up and headed towards Zayn’s office.

 

Nancy was seated in the front, the waiting room completely barren of all patients, though it usually was by the time Louis and I arrived. We hadn’t been able to make any of the day appointments, what with our conflicting schedules, but that was alright because apparently the evening slots were still open. She looked startled upon seeing me, her eyes widening in surprise, while I just walked up to her desk.

 

“Liam, it’s a surprise to see you.” Her voice was a bit breathless, and I was doing my best to not roll my eyes at her obvious flustered expression.

 

“I have an appointment.” I replied blankly to which she frowned.

 

“You came without Louis?” I just nodded to which she shrugged. “Oh well, I’m sorry. Zayn didn’t inform me. Go right in then, he must be expecting you.”

 

I didn’t waste another moment at her desk as I wondered over towards Zayn’s office, knocking once on the door, before opening it up at his command. Zayn was seated at his desk, his glasses falling down his nose rather loosely and his hair disheveled as he stared down at his papers. I cleared my throat, causing his head to snap up in attention. He smiled lightly as he caught sight of me, and nodded for the chairs in front of him. I was rather caught off guard seeing as we’d never sat in the desk chairs before—though they did look rather comfortable.

 

“Liam, hello, I’m so glad you made it.”

 

“Yeah, course.” I coughed a bit, feeling like I was suddenly on display for the entire world when in all reality it was just Zayn and I. There was not a single other person around.

 

“So…” He fixed his glasses, before sitting up in his seat and smiling lightly at me. “How have you been?”

 

I glanced down a bit, just staring at my lap in embarrassment. “I’ve been better, honestly.”

 

“Oh Liam, are we finally deciding to open up?” Zayn seemed rather caught off guard, but I just—it was time. I was done being the silent one. I was done being the one fucking things up. I was done pretending that what happened didn’t happen.

 

I was done running.

 

“Seventy-two.”

 

“Seventy-two what?” Zayn asked his nose crinkling up as he stared at me.

 

“Seventy-two times, he fucking counted. I shut him out seventy-two times. I left him alone seventy-two times. I fucked him over seventy-two times. Seventy-two, and yet he stayed. He stayed and I just… I’m done running. I’m done pushing and shoving him away from me, and it’s time. It’s time to face it because Louis—he deserves more. He deserves more than what I’ve given him. It’s time—I’m ready.”

 

I may have said that—but in all reality I was scared. I was so scared and I just—I didn’t know what to do. What do you do when you want to so badly forget something but then it has to come out? What do you do when your entire life has been spent trying to push shit away from you, trying to get away from something then it just all has to come out? I don’t know what to do anymore. Louis needs me to start working at this—but I’m scared. I’m scared to remember the past and to move on in the present. How do I even begin to get over this?

 

“Alright then, let’s begin shall we?” I nodded hesitantly as Zayn pulled out a file from his desk, opening it up and shuffling a few papers around before pulling one to the top. “Let’s start with last week, have you done your assignment yet?”

 

I shook my head a bit, feeling like a failure all over again. I couldn’t think straight over the past week all I’d been able to think about was seventy-two. That number was just sitting in my head as if it was mocking me, it was just there and I couldn’t think of anything else.

 

“Would you like some help?” I cocked my head to the side, squinting my eyes as I took in his offer.

 

“Wouldn’t that be like… cheating?” Zayn laughed a bit shaking his head at that.

 

“This isn’t school Liam, it’s never cheating if you’re asking for help. Everyone needs a little assistance every now and then.” I glanced down at my hands waiting for him to continue. “What have you thought of so far?”

 

“Seventy-two.” I mumbled, looking up at Zayn, my eyes blown wide as I stared at him. “I feel like it’s haunting me. I just—I can’t stop thinking about it. Louis he, god, he just—how? How do I make that up to him? How do I take what I did and turn it around? He’ll never forget that. You can’t forget the past, no matter how hard you try.”

 

Zayn studied me for a minute, his face calm and calculating, while I tried my best not to start fidgeting under his gaze. It took a moment, but then he was pulling his glasses from his face, and holding them over the desk, while rubbing at his eyes. He let out a sigh and just dropped his glasses altogether, his entire attention focused on me.

 

“Make it mean something.”

 

“What, how?” I asked, frowning at bit at him.

 

“Liam, make the number mean something. So your number is seventy-two—take that and turn it around. Make the number count. Just because it represents something bad now, doesn’t mean it always has to. Just, shit—do something for him and make that number change. Slowly, over time, it won’t be remembered as the number of times you left him out to dry, but instead the number of times you kissed him goodnight, the number of candies in his gift basket, the number of places you took him on a trip. I don’t know, but just, make it mean something more than it does now. Make it into something good. Make it into something far greater than seventy-two fuck ups.”

 

Something greater… I could do that. I could actually do that.

 

“Thank you, honestly just—thank you.”

 

Zayn nodded his head, a small smile tugging at his lips as he sat before me. I had never been so grateful for him as I was at this exact moment. He’d just given me a sliver of hope, something I didn’t think I’d ever feel again when it came to Louis and I. Seventy-two was an awfully big number to overcome and the fact that I felt something more than just plain devastation was a miracle.

 

“Of course.” Then suddenly Zayn was shuffling his papers once more, and I knew things were about to start heading down hill again, I knew that this wasn’t going to be quite the simple ride I thought it would be without Louis. It didn’t seem like we were taking any steps back while Louis was away and instead we were going dive right on in.

 

Great, that was just lovely.

 

“So Liam, let’s talk about this form shall we?” I glanced down at the papers in his hands and suddenly my stomach was tightening up and my face was losing all its blood flow. Why did we have to discuss those?

 

“W-why?” I stuttered, my voice coming out small and timid as did my best to remain seated, it was a struggle, but I had to stay seated. I had to start trying and it was now or never. I just—I wanted Louis here.

 

I wanted him to be beside me while I was sent back in time to a place that I tried so hard to forget. I wanted to hold his hand and feel his warmth beside me while my past was spilled out for the both of them to hear. I just wanted Louis, I needed Louis.

 

Then again, I was glad he wasn’t here, I was glad I had to do this alone because if he was here I don’t know if I could even discuss it. I don’t know if the words would have been able to leave my mouth for the humiliation I felt because of it. It wasn’t like it was something major, I’m sure many people in the world have gone through it. I’ve looked up the statistics online and it told me that many people did go through it, it was just rare for them to come forward. It was strange for someone to go through something like I did and to speak up after so long.

 

Some people would get used to it, like a routine almost. They were no longer affected—or at least they didn’t seem to be—by the words that were said or things that were done. Others would end up hurting themselves because of it, or something awful like that—and then there was me. There were those people who would hit a breaking point and then all hell would break loose.

 

I hit that breaking point when I turned seventeen years old, and I would regret that moment for the rest of my life—that moment and the year and half before it. It wasn’t like these things were easy. There wasn’t a handbook for what I went through—well there were pamphlets but those things were as useful as my maths teacher. I was on my own really and I just—I didn’t know what to do.

 

Then I did something and it all just came crumbling down.

 

I wasn’t sure if I was exactly to blame or if it was their fault. Could you blame your actions on someone else if they kept pushing you towards it? I mean, could I claim temporary insanity for what happened? I snapped, and I snapped in the worst way possible.

 

It wasn’t like how I snapped with Louis, it wasn’t passive, it wasn’t me leaving—it was me acting. It was me doing my worst to those who had done their worst to me—mentally, physically, you name it. I turned my other cheek for too long and eventually it just took hold of me. My anger and rage came to light and I lost it. I lost my mind for those few minutes and I couldn’t do anything about it now—I stooped to their level and I’d never been so ashamed of myself.

 

Or well, I hadn’t until this whole thing with Louis happened.

 

How can I even compare the two? I don’t know, but there are similarities between what happened then and what’s happening now. It’s like a cycle, and it’s repeating itself. I don’t want it to repeat itself. I’m tired of keeping things bottled up, it’s so much work and energy. It’s exhausting to walk away without expressing your feelings, your opinions, whatever. It’s like your holding your breath and after a while the room begins to spin and your lungs start to burn, but outside you seem fine. The oxygen is seeping out of you, but no one notices because you don’t do anything—and then you pass out. It’s the extreme things that people notice. They don’t see when you play with the food on your plate, not eating it but instead rearranging it so that it looks eaten. They notice when you retch it up in the bathroom. They don’t notice the small tears in your clothes. They notice the black and blue marks that paint your face.

 

People suspect more than they say; if only they would speak up maybe things would turn out differently.

 

“I know you probably aren’t exactly comfortable talking about what’s written on this one in particular, but it has to be done Liam. You can’t keep hiding from your past—you need to face it. If you keep running, it’s going to keep following, there is no place far enough away that will make you forget this. There is no way to outrun something that is in your memories. The memories are there forever, as are the habits that form because of them.”

 

My breathing was increasing, and my heart was hammering in my chest as I tried to remain calm. I knew he was right, I knew these words—I’d heard them before. I’d heard them plenty of times before, but I wasn’t ready, I’m still not ready but now I have a reason. I have something to fight for. I have something to push me, something to make everything better. I have someone I’m doing this for.

 

Louis, he’s my reason, he’s my push, and he deserves the best of me. He deserves the best from life, Niall is right, Niall is always right when it comes to Louis and I’m finally starting to realize why. All the pieces of the puzzle are slotting together and it’s finally making sense. It makes sense his need to be close to me at night while sleeping. It makes sense why he always asked where I was going when I left the flat. It makes sense why the thought of me visiting home always made him so antsy. He was afraid I wouldn’t come back—and eventually I didn’t.

 

The look on his face that night makes so much sense to me. It was acceptance, and at the time I thought that maybe he hadn’t wanted me anymore. I was afraid that he was planning on leaving me, but it turns out I was wrong. I was so wrong about Louis because he was trying—until he could try no more. I did just what every other person had done to him—I’d abandoned him.

 

And in the process I’d screwed everything up.

 

I had done it for no reason, no logical reason at least. It was mental, it was psychological and it was time that I finally faced that fact. It was time that I remembered the past for what it was—instead of leaving out the parts I didn’t care to remember. I was doing this for Louis. I was doing it for me. I was doing it for us. I couldn’t keep running. I couldn’t keep drowning. I couldn’t keep holding my breath.

 

“Would you like to start or would you prefer I do it?” Zayn asked, breaking through my hazy thoughts and catching my attention. His arms were folded up on the desk and his eyes small as he stared at me.

 

It was time that I took control, it was time that I did this for once. So instead of allowing Zayn to continue on, I simply shook my head at him. I needed the words to come from my mouth this time. They needed to come from me, and for the first time in seven years, they would.

 

“When I was fifteen we moved to Wolerhampton, and it all started there, the bullying I mean.”


	19. Late Night Call

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Breakdown More by Eric Hutchinson

**Harry’s POV**

 

I was pacing, and I was pretty sure that I had left dents in the carpet by now. I couldn’t help it though. I mean it was Wednesday night—that meant that tomorrow was Thursday. Tomorrow was our session and I’d still yet to call Maura—God I was such a coward.

 

I couldn’t face her, even if it was only over the phone, not when I’d been so horrible. It was my fault, everything about this was my fault and I just—I wanted Niall to be alright. Through every single little thing, I wanted Niall to be fine. I didn’t want to worry about him hurting anymore, I didn’t want him to look so broken and sound so lost. I just wanted him to be Niall again.

 

It was my fault; it was entirely my fault that his spark was so dim. At times I honestly just couldn’t even believe that I’d caused that. I had been stupid enough to place Niall into a category that was anything but him. He didn’t deserve the treatment that I gave to him, and I knew that now. It took one hell of a punch to the face to figure that one out but I realized it, I got it. No two people were alike, and the fact that I even tried to put them together, to compare them—it just goes to show how big of an asshole I really am. Why Niall has stayed through everything it just… I’m such a fucking idiot.

 

How I could ever doubt that man just astounds me now. He’s show me over and over again how much I mean to him, and yet I let my fucking thoughts ruin everything. I’m such a coward. I hate myself—no I hate him. I hate that he caused me to be this way—I hate that he made me doubt Niall, that he made me afraid for something like I had with him. He got in my head and it ruined everything. It ruined me, it ruined us, but most importantly it ruined Niall.

 

My Niall, it ruined him. I was supposed to be it, ya know? I was supposed to his rock and he was supposed to be mine. I was supposed to be past this, I was supposed to be happy. I was supposed to let go of that fear and then he just—I fucked up. He fucked me up! I’m so angry, I’m so angry at everything. I angry with him, with myself, with everything and I just can’t do this.

 

I don’t even know what to do.

 

I mean, yeah I know I’m supposed to call Maura, but then what? Do I tell her about how badly I’ve hurt Niall? Do I talk to her like I would my own Mum, like how things used to be? I used to honestly consider Maura to be my second Mum, who wouldn’t though? She was just—she was an angel. She was like Niall in that way—I mean they both cursed like sailors but they were amazing. They loved people so much that I just fell that much more in love with Niall when I first met her. I wasn’t even dating him at the time and she treated me like her son. She treated both Liam and I as her other boys, even though it was Louis and Niall who were the ones that had known her. Obviously Louis had been close to her for years, he was just that way, but Maura didn’t make it seem like that. She just—she was like Niall. Or well, Niall was like her, in so many ways—but then he was different as well. Where Maura would draw the line Niall would skirt around it, find a way to make it fit the situation and the person while Maura treated everyone alike, Niall treated everyone differently—but in the same sort of way.

 

Niall just adapted it to the person, and their needs.

 

I pulled my phone from my pocket once more and just stopped in the middle of the room staring at it. I was being ridiculous. Either she would talk to me—or she wouldn’t. It was as simple as that, but God damn it, it didn’t feel as easy as that. It felt like this phone call was going to be a turning point and hell if I knew why. It was just Niall’s mother—it wasn’t like I was going to be calling the Prime Minster or something, it was only Niall.

 

It was the same Niall that licked my hands after I’d dropped his ice cream all over the counter. It was the same Niall that spent an entire night trying to get me to open a jar of pickles for him because he was too god damn lazy to do it himself. It was the same Niall that sat by the television strumming on his guitar while I read on the sofa. It was the same Niall that tucked me in to bed when I was ill, or made me a nice Bloody Mary after I’d had a long day at work, even though he hated them with a passion.

 

It was just… Niall.

 

Fuck, I would almost prefer fucking things up with the Prime Minster than messing something up with Niall’s family. They were so important to him and I just—I couldn’t mess this up. I couldn’t because I didn’t know how many chances I would get, I couldn’t keep screwing shit up. Niall had a breaking point, he wasn’t inhuman I just hoped I’d never witness it. I don’t know how I’d survive without him anymore. I knew what it was like to lose him—and yet he was still just down the hall from me. The thought of him living across town or shit, him moving back to Ireland—that was beyond a doubt the most terrifying thought I’d ever had, I couldn’t do it without him.

 

I just took a little while longer to realize that than Niall did.

 

I finally sighed, looking at my phone once more, before pulling it out and looking Maura up in my phone. It didn’t take long to find her—it wasn’t like I had many M’s in my phone or anything. The thing was I forgot about the picture. I forgot that I’d assigned a picture of her Niall and me to her contact. I just—it was like a blow to the gut. We were standing in a park in Ireland and all of us had smiles on our faces, Maura was standing in between us and we just seemed so—happy.

 

And we were.

 

I hit the dial button before I could think another second on it. It was stupid, but my palms were sweaty and my heart was beating a mile a minute and I would have hung up already had I not heard the ringing stop. There was no going back now.

 

“Hello?”

 

Maura’s voice rang through the phone and I started to get choked up. She sounded just as she always did, she sounded like Maura. She sounded like sweet dear Maura and I couldn’t help but feel like I’d betrayed her. I’d hurt Niall and because of that I had hurt his family as well. I just hurt everyone it seemed. I hurt Niall, I’d hurt Louis because of it, I’d pretty much killed my friendship with Liam because of it and then there was the hurt I’d caused others to feel for Niall. It was like a ripple effect and I’d caused the whole damn thing.

 

Fuck me.

 

“M-Maura?” I stuttered, my voice sounding rough even to my own ears. I cleared my throat some before trying again. “It’s uh—Harry. It’s me, Harry.”

 

I sounded like a mental patient.

 

It was silent on the other line and I swear I could feel my heart stop in my chest. Everything and I do mean everything was riding on this phone call. I didn’t know what to do or say exactly and I just I needed this to go over well. I needed Maura to talk to me—she could even yell at me, but I just needed this. I needed to talk to Niall’s family again because I missed them. I missed Maura and Greg and Denise and Theo, I missed all of them and it wasn’t until this very second that I even realized it.

 

“Harry—dear how are you? I haven’t talked to you in ages.” Maura’s voice was soft and soothing and I felt all of the tension just drift from my shoulders.

 

“I’m alright—I’m yeah, alright.” I coughed a bit to cover up the quiver in my voice. “How are you?”

 

“Oh I’m fine honey, just doing a bit of spring cleaning, you know how it is.” She laughed and I could almost feel it run through my bones. The Horan laugh—I hadn’t heard that in forever. I almost sighed out loud at the sound, God how I wished it had come from Niall.

 

“Yeah—Mum was telling me the other day how she needed to start on that soon.” I smiled slightly before lying back on my bed, reaching over and grabbing Niall’s old pillow in my hands as I hugged it close—making it his substitute for the moment.

 

“Oh how is Anne doing? I haven’t seen her since her wedding. Everything going fine with her and Robin?” I stiffened a bit at that, but smiled at the thought.

 

“Yeah things are great with them. Gemma said it’s like PDA central in the house and warned me not to visit them for a while or if I do to bring some blindfolds.” I laughed louder at that bit, as did Maura—her laugh just infectious as her son’s had been.

 

Had been, God I hated that.

 

His musical laughter should have never stopped filling up this flat. His smile should have never slipped off his face longer than a few minutes. He wasn’t supposed to be so quiet, or spending so much time in his new room. He wasn’t supposed to just up and—leave me. Fuck, he wasn’t supposed to do that—I shouldn’t have made him do that. I made this happen and now it’s haunting me; every second of every day, the reminders are always there.

 

“Harry?” Maura’s voice cut through my demeaning thoughts and I started at her tone. It wasn’t angry, but soft and calming instead—just like Niall’s.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” I froze then, her offer taking me off guard. I didn’t call with any expectations but even if I had this would have been far from it.

 

“What?” I choked, my fingers gripping the phone tightly in my left hand as I waited for her reply.

 

“Harry honey, Niall does talk to me you know? I may not know every little thing that’s gone down between the two of you lately, but I do know the jist of it. I know when it started, Niall had called me up in a panic and I’d calmed him down—but honestly I wish I hadn’t. Maybe if he had started to panic things wouldn’t have gotten so bad. I know you probably feel like it’s all your fault—but it’s not Harry.” Her voice was shaky in my ear, but I was too stunned to notice. “Sure, things may have started with you for Niall—but something had to start with you. Something had to make things change because I’d seen you a few weeks before and I’d never seen any two people so smitten with each other. It was like he was the air you breathed and you were the food he ate.”

 

She chuckled a bit at that last part but I could hear the quiver in her voice and the shake to her breaths. She was crying—make that two Horan’s I’d caused to cry in a month’s time. I just couldn’t seem to get things right could I?

 

“I—he—why? Why do you want to talk to me? He’s your son—I’m not.” I whispered, trying my best to keep my own tears at bay, it was difficult but I was somehow managing. I wasn’t sure how long I’d be able to but for the moment I was doing it, somehow.

 

“Harry, that’s exactly why. Niall’s my son and it’s obvious how much he loves you. I want him happy and you honey, you make him happy. You put that smile on his face brighter than I’d ever seen it before in my life. For a while I thought maybe Niall and Louis would end up together but once I met you I realized how wrong I was. Niall needed someone to balance him out—to calm things down and you do that for him. Louis he always got into things and Niall always went along with it and they’re the best of mates because of it—but you did something different to Niall. You brought out a loving side to that boy that I’d never seen before. He loved you dear, and he still does he just doesn’t know how to love you anymore.”

 

I wrapped my arm more forcefully around the pillow and pressed my face into it. I had stolen another pillow case from Niall’s laundry a few nights ago so it still smelled quite like him and I just wanted to feel like I was holding him in my arms again. I rubbed my cheek onto the green sheet and suddenly things didn’t feel quite so hopeless anymore. Maura would know Niall better than anyone—he was her son after all, so if I was to believe anyone it would be her.

 

“Really?” I mumbled, my face still pressed into the pillow, eyes squeezed shut tight, as I listened to Maura continue on.

 

“Yes Harry, really.” She sighed then, her tone changing slightly. “You know Harry, I don’t know why you did what you did, and somehow I think I almost don’t want to know. But you know. You know why you did what you did and I think Niall—he needs to know as well. I’m not saying you have to tell him now, or tomorrow or next week, but someday. He deserves an answer Harry and maybe that answer will be all he needs to feel like himself again. Sure, it won’t be the fix all but at least there will be something he can fight against because right now all he sees is you—and it isn’t easy to fight against the person you also want to fight for. He’s confused, and upset and he doesn’t know what to do with it anymore.”

 

I frowned a bit at that. Niall had seemed so strong to me—he was so strong. I’d seen very few tears fall from his eyes since we’d started sleeping in separate rooms and I often wondered if he’d just stopped feeling. He seemed to have done that in my eyes but everything that Maura was saying seemed to contradict that. She seemed like she was saying he wasn’t strong.

 

“He hasn’t seemed to be though, he always seems so… cold almost. It’s like there’s this wall and he’s on one side of it and I’m on the other and I don’t even know what’s happening exactly but I know he looks just as he always has—except for his eyes.” I squeezed the pillow even tighter as I thought of his eyes once more and what I’d done to them.

 

“Harry he’s not as strong as he looks. Yes, Niall is one tough boy but he’s called me many a nights a sobbing mess. He may not be showing it to you but he has shown it to me. So just… do me a favor would you?” She suddenly sounded so tired and the thought of not agreeing to whatever she was about to ask was appalling, so I simply agreed with a quick yes before she went on. “If you want Niall forever, then fight for him to stay, not because you feel like you have to fix what you broke. If you are done with your relationship then please just—let him go. He can’t take any more heartbreak.”

 

My grip on the pillow loosened entirely as I processed exactly what she was saying.

 

“Maura—“

 

“I have to go now Harry just—pick one alright? It was nice talking to you honey.”

 

With that she hung up and I just gapped down at the phone. Did she honestly think I was done with Niall? If I was over him why the hell would I be fighting so hard to get him to look at me? I wasn’t done with him, and I honestly didn’t think I ever would be done with him either. He was Niall and I was Harry and we were just meant to be.

 

It was about time I realized that.


	20. Session Four: Bad Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With Me by Sum 41

**Niall’s POV**

 

 

“So I’ll take it that you both did your assignments?” Zayn asked the minute we were all seated. It seemed he was anxious to get right down to business and I really wasn’t one to complain. I mean the faster things got out in the open the sooner we’d be done with this shit.

 

Or maybe not… I’m not a therapist, I honestly don’t know.

 

“I did, ya.” I sighed, reaching up and rubbing my face roughly, doing my best to knock some sense of relief into me. I’d talked to Anne, and things hadn’t gone exactly like I’d thought, but it wasn’t the worst thing to happen either.

 

“Yeah, I um… yeah.” Harry stuttered, his voice wavering a bit in the beginning before ending strong and solid, like he’d just been given a shot of adrenaline. It was weird in a sense, because for a quick second he sounded so confident, like all his worries were nonexistent—it was weird but strangely nice to hear. It’d been so long since I’d heard that tone come from his mouth.

 

“I’m glad you two are so forthcoming.” I swear it was either my imagination or Zayn just rolled his eyes at us while adjusting his glasses. I wouldn’t put it past him if he did, listening to people complain and bitch all day long has to take its toll on a person. It would certainly take its toll on me that’s for sure.

 

Honestly, today was just a shit day and the thought of going over my relationship problems again just sounded like the last thing I wanted to do. What I really wanted to do was to go home lay down with a bag of crisps and watch The Walking Dead reruns until the day just drifted away. I’m just not in the right frame of mind to be here today, and I was pretty sure that was rather obvious. Harry had been watching me warily ever since I’d gotten home from work. I wasn’t exactly looking at him but his gaze burned through me like a laser, always had and I didn’t doubt it always would. Harry was like a bee, you can ignore it for as long as you want but eventually when everything goes silent you can still hear it buzzing in your ear. I wasn’t exactly sure how to escape from it—from him.

 

“Sorry it’s just…” Harry sighed, running his hands up and down his thighs before speaking up once more. “I’m not really sure what to say, ya know? It’s like everything that was said was so unexpected and it gave me hope and crushed me simultaneously. It’s like—like I can finally see a way to do something but I’m not exactly sure when to do it, ya know? And maybe… maybe I’m overthinking it or something but just the thought of… of doing something is so daunting. I just want to be there already, I want everything to be good again but then again if everything goes back to the way things were I’m afraid—I’m afraid it might happen again.”

 

Harry had taken to biting on his fingers instead of just fiddling with them, and I could see his foot tapping and feel the shake of the sofa. It seemed he was really worked up about something and I’m guessing my Mam is the one to thank for this. Oh God bless that woman’s soul but I could have really done without this today. She’d probably slap me upside down the head if she knew what I was thinking right now, but it couldn’t be helped. Bad days were not meant to get worse, and that used to be the case. I used to come home after a bad day and Harry would be there and everything would be alright again. All he really had to do was smile at me with those dimples and a sparkle in his green eyes and suddenly everything seemed so simple. The world seemed so simple.

 

It didn’t seem so simple anymore.

 

I’ve been called many things in my life: loud, obnoxious, and even naïve, but the truth was I wasn’t. I may be a bit loud and sure some people have found me to be obnoxious but I’m not naïve. I just always saw things the way they should be. A mistake was something someone did and you would forgive them and move on, it was the only way to handle them. It wasn’t like they could go back and fix anything, so what was the point of holding a grudge? I didn’t understand it—yet some people found me lacking a sense of reality because of my willingness to forgive. Was it really so bad to let things go? It wasn’t helping me any to hold a grudge against someone, it just weighed me down and I didn’t like that feeling.

 

I like things simple—but sometimes they really aren’t.

 

I dealt with Harry in the beginning the way I dealt with everything—I forgave and I moved on. Yet, after a while it just started to get harder for me to ignore, or move on. It became harder for me to find the energy to let things go and eventually it just became too much. I wanted to move on and forget but my chest hurt and my eyes burned and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I shut down, and I finally felt how it was to be pushed to the breaking point. I know why people gave me those looks of confusion or annoyance when I told them to let it go—I know but yet I still don’t agree.

 

Even going through the pain and everything I just can’t agree with them. How can you hold something against someone for so long that it ruins the way you look at others, or even them? Harry had been going through something and fuck if I know what it was, but he needed me then and he needs me now, and my heart just can’t let him go. I can’t and I won’t do that. I just need to get back to the simple things, and those times are why I’m sitting here.

 

I have to remember that—I can’t forget why I’m here.

 

“It’s alright to be afraid, Harry, that’s very good actually.” I stared down at the floor as I listened to Zayn’s words. There was so many different ways to take all of his advice and somehow I had a feeling Harry and I weren’t always getting quite the same message out of what he was saying, but that was alright I guess. We were different people and in the end those were the things I loved most about him. “Being afraid means that you don’t want to be the way you were before, and yeah obviously you don’t but sometimes saying the words out loud makes it all the more real. It’s like the first time you tell a person you love them, even if they may think it, or you may show it, hearing the words just confirms everything and it brings out a light in them that you didn’t even know existed before.”

 

I glanced up at Zayn a slow and small smile making its way onto my face. Love was a crazy thing and Zayn was right—though what was new—words just made the actions all the more sweeter.

 

“Yeah, I just—I don’t know.” Harry shook his head a bit before continuing on. “Maura was very pleasant on the phone, just as sweet as I remembered actually. I’m glad I called her, I feel… like a weight has just been lifted or something.”

 

My shoulders sagged in relief as I got confirmation that Mam had been on her best behavior. It wasn’t that I expected her to be a bitch to Harry it was just—well no matter what she was still my Mam, and parents could be rather protective of their children, Mam included. It was moments like these when I remembered why I loved her so much, and it was just like she wanted my happiness more than anything and for some reason she knew that fucking things up with Harry wouldn’t be what would make me happy.

 

“What about you Niall?” I picked my head back up from where it’d fallen down towards the floor again, only to catch Zayn’s worried stare. “How was your call?”

 

I wonder if I simply said 'interesting' if that would satisfy him—I doubted it.

 

“It wasn’t what I expected, that’s for sure, but then again Anne is Harry’s Mum so I don’t know why what she does ever surprises me.” I shook my head with a smile in place.

 

“Oh gee Niall thanks.” Harry sprouted sarcastically, while I simply shrugged my shoulders.

 

“What did she do that surprised you?” Zayn asked, his eyes scrunched up as he watched me carefully from behind his thick rimmed glasses.

 

“She just got right to business, no formalities just plain ole ‘How are the sessions going Niall? Have you two worked things out yet?’ and such. It wasn’t bad or anything it was just unexpected, though she did bring up many different subjects, it was honestly just nice to speak to her again. She just reminds me so much of…” how things used to be.

 

My sentence trailed off, leaving a tense silence in its wake. I could feel both Harry and Zayn’s gazes on me but my mind was reeling. Everything was flooding back and it seemed just the mention of Anne sent me on a trip down memory lane. I’d been avoiding her calls for such a long while now that speaking to her or even about her was like reliving all those times I’d gone down to see her with Harry. He’d been so caring and thoughtful and just Harry and I didn’t know what to think or do. I wanted that Harry back, I wanted my Harry back.

 

It was like there was this little voice in my head that kept saying the Harry that treated me like he did all those months ago wasn’t the same Harry that woke me up at the crack of dawn because a ray of sunshine was shaped like a piece of corn and he found it absolutely amazing. I hadn’t shared his interest in such a trivial thing so early in the morning, but now I would give anything for that moment again, because that was the Harry I fell in love with.

 

“Ni…” Harry’s hand pressed gently into my shoulder and I am ashamed to say I flinched at the contact.

 

It wasn’t even that I didn’t want him to touch me or anything, I did. I wanted to feel his touch so badly sometimes I just closed my eyes and pretended he was holding me, but it was like his touch was still too much for me to handle. It wasn’t even that he had done anything with his hands to hurt me other than dropping my hand and letting me go. It just… it wasn’t what it used to be. We weren’t what we used to be, and having him close to me was like I was ignoring our problems and I couldn’t do that, not anymore. It was time to face the facts and realize that Harry wasn’t the person I’d always thought he was, and that was perfectly alright, but I could only handle so much at a time and right now I couldn’t handle much at all.

 

“Niall, are you alright?” I glanced up to see Zayn staring at me cautiously, but I couldn’t focus too well on him because honestly, the whole fucking room seemed to be spinning like a top. “Maybe you should lie down for a minute.”

 

I nodded my head slightly; the whole day seemed to be catching up to me all in one moment. I leaned over and just rested my head on the arm of the sofa, closing my eyes and steadying my breathing to the best of my ability. It didn’t take long before Harry was pulling my feet onto his lap, allowing me more room to spread out across the sofa as his hands rested carefully on my calves. I focused on his touch, just trying to breathe in and out properly. This wasn’t something that happened often, and it wasn’t anything more than anxiety but at the time it always felt more like a truck had just rammed into my chest and plowed me over.

 

“Niall did you have a bad day?” Harry’s voice cut through the heaviness that had encircled my mind and I simply nodded, my words failing me as the air in my lungs seemed less than efficient for speaking. “Christ Niall, why didn’t you say something? We could have stayed in tonight and watched The Walking Dead or something. You know you’re supposed to take it easy when you feel like this… fuck.”

 

I didn’t say anything and it seemed Harry realized I wasn’t going to as he began to breathe loud enough for me to follow along. I listened to his deep inhales and followed him the best I could before exhaling just the same. It was easy to lose myself to the sound of his breaths and it didn’t take too long before I was able to breath at a more normal pace, my eyes still glued shut but at least my lungs didn’t feel like they were going to explode.

 

“Is he alright?” I vaguely heard Zayn’s voice as I tried to get myself back to normal. I should have seen the signs earlier but it had been so long since a bad day had made me have a bit of an anxiety attack and I wasn’t expecting it at all. Mam would get on me for that, but it wasn’t like asthma or anything, it was all in my head really.

 

“Yeah he’s—or well he will be—fine.” Harry sounded haggard, as he ran his hands up and down my calves in a soothing massage. “He deals with a small bout of anxiety and some days when he hasn’t had such a good day things just get to him. He usually does so well but every now and then everything will just build up and he’ll lose himself to it.”

 

“He did say he had a small case of anxiety but I never thought he’d just sort of collapse in on himself like that.”

 

“It doesn’t happen often, but yeah. The first time I saw it happen I was so shocked, it was a good thing Louis was around or I’m not so certain he would have come out of it alright.” Harry’s words were a bit shaky and I knew exactly the moment he was remembering, though my memory of that day was rather spotty so I wasn’t quite sure just how bad that episode had been, but Harry always made it out to be one of the most frightening moments of his life.

 

Zayn and Harry continued to talk but I sort of just drowned the two of them out, instead doing my best to simply simplify everything that happened today. It wasn’t so bad; it really wasn’t, so maybe it was just everything piling up on top of me once again. I hadn’t had an episode in months and I had just sort of left it out of my mind for the time being. Obviously it wasn’t exactly something I could completely forget but it wasn’t the main focus of my life. Mam had always said it was more like that of a sneeze, it would just sneak up on you and there wasn’t much you could do but cover your mouth, close your eyes and wait for the moment to pass. It was passing but afterwards I always felt exhausted. It wasn’t like I had been overly active today but I swear with the way my eyes were reacting you would think that I’d just done a marathon with only an hour of sleep.

 

Eventually I found the strength to finally open my eyes again and when I did the light seared through me, making me want to close my eyes again but I fought against it as I fluttered them a bit and tried my best to focus on Zayn and Harry once more. I wasn’t quite sure how much time had passed but I was certain we were at least close to the end of our session if not already past it.

 

“What’d I miss?” I croaked, my voice rough and unwelcoming but it caught Harry and Zayn’s attention and that was all I needed it to do.

 

Harry was staring at me with the same expression he used every time this happened, and it squeezed my heart to see so much concern radiating off of him but I did my best to focus on the words coming out of Zayn’s mouth instead. It was the least I could do for fucking up our session.

 

“Nothing too drastic Niall, just a little small talk, nothing to worry about though, you’re all good.” Zayn smiled and it was soft and small and I was pretty sure I’d just given him a pretty good scare as well, but it seemed he was more equipped to handle it than Harry ever had been. “Anyways, the only real important thing is that I’m not giving you an assignment to complete this week. I just want you two to live like you normally would and try not to go out of your way to avoid each other, yeah?”

 

“I think I can manage that, yeah.” I nodded my head and Zayn just smiled a bit bigger as I laid my head back down.

 

It wasn’t exactly what I had been expecting from the day but the thought of having a week’s break from an assignment, even one as simple as Go Fish was nice. It was nice because now whatever happened this week would be from our own conscious decisions, not because someone had told us to do something. This week was the first one that it was up to Harry and I whether we did something for the other, and I just wanted so see if he really had changed, and I felt like this week was exactly what I needed to see for myself.

 

But first, I needed to sleep.


	21. Burdens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Arms by Christina Perri

**Louis' POV**

 

"Tomlinson move your ass!” Coach Grimshaw yelled at me from the sidelines. I picked up my speed dribbling the best I could while evading the defenders coming at me from both sides.

 

It was pretty late, and we were down to the last minute of the game, but every second counted. It was like this mantra that was running through my head or something runrunrun, and usually that would be enough, usually that would be all I would be focusing on, yet tonight it just seemed to be a faint background noise. Instead I focused on the crisp night air, fresh in the late winter, early spring. My breath fogged in front of me, while my feet acted of their own accord, dragging me towards the fateful goal that lay only feet in front of me.

 

Everything smelled of home, and it was. I was home. It was such a foreign word to me—home. For the longest time I didn’t even know what the word meant, it was simply a place with a bed, a room with one shelf and one window that I was crammed into. Then I met Niall, and slowly but surely home began to mean something entirely different, it was no longer just a place to sleep, but a place of warmth, and slowly my home changed. I no longer considered the house that held my bed to be my home, but instead the house a few blocks away that housed those foul mouthed Irish folk, as Mum used to call them. It was utterly ridiculous though, seeing as we had moved to Ireland and pretty much everyone was Irish folk but she didn’t seem to understand that. The Horan’s home became my home, until that was the only place I went anymore.

 

And tonight, I was back.

 

It was like nothing else mattered. No amount of struggling that I endured while in London with Niall, Harry and Liam could taint this place. This was my home, and being able to run these fields and hear the roar of the crowd while I played my heart out—nothing could take this away from me, nothing could make this mean any less.

 

I pushed forward a few more steps before kicking the ball and I watched it soar through the air before hitting the back of the net with a resounding bounce. Screams echoed off the stadium walls, my teammates hugged me, lifted me up and twirled me around but I couldn’t help my wandering eyes. I glanced through the crowded stadium searching for our spot, the tickets that would always be reserved for the Horan’s, my family. It didn’t take long to spot the seats and when I did, I wasn’t disappointed.

 

Maura, Denise, Greg and Theo were all there, bundled up and cozy looking while standing up and screaming their heads off in my direction. My heart warmed in my chest and I allowed myself to just fall into place, allowing everything to wash over me as I felt this sense of calm take over.

 

I’d done well tonight, and everything was perfect, there was just one thing missing—Liam.

 

He hadn’t attended any of my games this year, even if we were only in preseason, it still stung. It was the first time he hadn’t attended my games since we became acquainted with each other five years back, when I’d still been only playing small games in stadiums less than half the size of this one. I didn’t expect him to be here, but just the knowledge that he wasn’t stung. He had been my pillar, and when he left my world tilted and my ground has seemed unsteady ever since.

 

Without Liam to hold me in his arms, I just feel so lost—it’s like I’ve somehow lost control.

 

The next few minutes were trivial. There were handshakes, pats on the back, ass—you name it. People laughed, and screamed and just let loose as we made our way towards the changing rooms. My jersey clung to my torso and I stunk of sweat, I practically ran towards the showers and rushed through it, just wanting to be outside and get my warm hugs that I’m sure were to come my way as soon as I made it outside. The other lads seemed to remember how I was whenever I was at home and they left me to it, messing with each other and leaving me be.

 

It was a record breaking time, and my hair was still dripping down my neck as I exited the changing rooms, my bags slung over my shoulder as I made my way out of the stadium and towards the lot, keeping my eyes peeled for Maura and the others.

 

It seemed my reflexes were rather lax after having played for the past two hours, seeing as when arms wrapped around my middle and tugged me off the ground I could only produce a strangled squeak of protest before Greg was dropping me back down on the floor and laughing at me.

 

“Lou, I see your pitch hasn’t changed in the last three months.” He chuckled as he draped his arm over my shoulders comfortably before we fell into step together.

 

“Oh sod off Greg, we all know you missed me ya bastard.”

 

“Aye! What’s with the name calling Louise? Did Mam teach you nothing of manors?” I simply dropped my elbow and allowed it to bury into his rib, trying my best to pry myself from his grip—sadly it didn’t work.

 

“Oh get off it mate, you say worse things to the fucking milk man.”

 

“We don’t have a milk man.” I just rolled my eyes as Greg smirked at me.

 

“Yeah, why do you think he quit ya git?” It seemed we’d found the other members of our small gathering as Denise laughed loudly Theo smiling goofily at us from her arms.

 

“You two are almost as bad as Niall and Greg for Christ’s sakes.” Greg immediately dropped his arm from my shoulder before moving over towards his wife with a ridiculous goofy grin on his face.

 

“No one can be as bad as Greg and Niall, trust me Den it was awful when they were little sproutlings running around the house like bats out of hell and swearing like it was the damn air they breathed.” Maura shot Greg a look which he at least had the decency to look sheepish at.

 

Before I could even blink, I was being wrapped up in a pair of strong and loving arms. My head was pushed down and my waist encircled as Maura squeezed me to her with all her might. I just smiled and ducked my head into her shoulder, relishing in the feeling of love that was radiating not only from her but from the entire family that had come out to see me play tonight. They were honestly one of the best things that had ever happened to me and I could not have been more grateful to be a part of their family. It was more than I’d ever dreamed of really, and I had never felt more love in my entire life than when I was with them.

 

The only thing missing was Niall and the ball of energy that he used to be. I missed that, and I was slowly seeing glimpses of the old Niall but he was buried so deep under all his hurt, and walls that it felt like it had been so long since I’d really been with Niall. He was much like Liam in that way because in a sense they had both left me, one just happened to be out of self-preservation while the other… I hadn’t quite figured that one out yet.

 

“Hey Lou, you did beautifully tonight.” I tried to bite back my smile but there was no way to contain the joy that was radiating off of me in what I could only assume was waves, because I just felt like I was on cloud nine, and nothing could bring me down.

 

“Thanks Maura.”

 

I sighed before backing out of her arms slightly and turning to look at my favorite nephew. He was no longer sitting silently on Denise’s hip but instead wiggling around and whining in some sort of toddler code that I bet even the best code breakers couldn’t understand. He mumbled and kicked and Denise just bounced him up on her hip but I could tell that wasn’t working, so what the hell—Uncle Louis to rescue.

 

“Come here little man, you can play with me. It seems your Mum isn’t quite as nice as she looks eh?” Theo just stared at me with those blue eyes that it seemed all Horan’s were blessed with before he started laughing and playing with the scruff on my face. I made all sorts of ridiculous faces but he seemed to like it so I couldn’t have given a shit how stupid I looked. As long as Theo was happy I was happy.

 

“You little shit! I’ve very nice, thank you very much!” I just rolled my eyes, sending her a pointed look, seeing as she pretty much just proved my point.

 

“Of course you are love.” I got a nice hard slap for that one. Sometimes my mouth was more trouble than it was worth.

 

“Are you going to get some supper with us? Or did you already eat? Cause we have to leave in an hour if we want to get back home before midnight.”

 

“You aren’t staying in town tonight?” I questioned, glancing away from Theo to look at Maura. She was sending me a soft smile and I just nodded my head. “Alright, let’s go get some grub shall we?”

 

*

 

Dinner went quicker than I hoped and before I knew it, we were standing outside a rather quiet pub and Denise, Theo and Greg were already strapped into the car, our goodbyes long over as they waited patiently for Maura and I. We hadn’t gotten to have a talk just to ourselves yet so I was willing to bet they were already prepared to wait a while, and I wasn’t exactly going to rush it, no matter how frigid the air was, Maura wasn’t a person I got to see often, and when I did see I liked to enjoy our time together. She was honestly like the mother I never had, and I loved her so much for that.

 

“Louis, how are you doing hun? Niall said things have been a bit rough.” It was the tone of voice that gave her away, but I smiled at her despite the lie, knowing she was only doing it to spare me of the hurt it brought up.

 

“Well they’ve certainly been better, but rough sounds like a good way to put it. I mean, I’m now sleeping on the sofa because our old room just sort of haunts me.” I stared down at the ground rather dejectedly, letting my true emotions show through. It was only Maura, I didn’t have to hide my feelings when I was with her, I never had and I certainly wasn’t about to start now.

 

“Did he tell you why he left?”

 

I glanced up at the starry sky and thought over her question. Liam hadn’t really told me anything. All I’d seen was him break down and let me hold him close again. Obviously that wasn’t nothing, whatever Liam had gone through it was bad, but I just didn’t know what it was yet. I had a few guesses as to what the problem could have been, but I couldn’t pinpoint exactly what happened between us. There was something that hit Liam hard and made him leave but hell if I knew what that was.

 

“No, I’m still just as clueless now as I was back then.”

 

She nodded her head pensively before glancing up at the stars as well, leaning into my side as she did so.

 

“Louis, you know it wasn’t you, right? You don’t make people leave. You’re beautiful, and whatever caused Liam to leave—it wasn’t you. He loved you, he was so smitten with you that I remember talking to Niall about it the first time I met him. It was as obvious as the stars up in the sky. Just sometimes they don’t shine as brightly as they usually do, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t there. Liam loves you like a star shines down at night or even in the day. You can’t forget it, even if you can’t see it.”

 

Tears were trailing down my cheeks as her words struck me deep down. Liam was so broken and for the longest time I just let it go, I thought space was what he needed, but now I doubted that was what I should have done. I should have made him talk to me, maybe if he had talked to me…

 

“He’s hurting Maura, and I don’t even know what to do to help him. I can’t hold him close like everything is alright between us, because it isn’t. I want it to be, but there’s so much between the two of us that I honestly wonder how we’ll even be able to overcome it. He’s Liam, and I love him so much but—he hurt me. He did what he promised he would never do—what so many people have done to me—he did. I thought… I honestly thought that Liam would prove me wrong. I thought he would be the one person who made all of my preconceptions worthless but then he—“

 

A sob racked through my body and I started to shake in the brisk night air, as Maura swallowed me up in a hug. I rested my head on her shoulder for the second time that night but this time I just wept. I wept the tears of pain that had congregated in my heart for so long. My Mum, my Dad, and Liam—so many others as well but those were the main ones. Those were the people that should have been there for me through everything and yet, they were the ones who let me down the most. They were the ones who had the most of me and therefore they were the ones who cut the deepest.

 

In my life I’d only ever felt truly connected to two people—Liam and Niall. Niall though, he was my brother, he loved me unconditionally and I did the same for him. I no longer feared losing Niall because he’d made it more than clear enough over the last decade of friendship that he wasn’t going anywhere. Liam though, he had been the one that I fell in love with. He was always so strong and sweet and loving and losing him was like losing the ground under my feet. I didn’t know who I was without Liam because Liam came in and made me whole, and I just wanted us to be whole again.

 

“Louis you can’t put people up on pedestals, they will never live up to those expectations. Everyone has a moment in their life where they disappoint someone, and yes Liam disappointed you, but how do you think that makes him feel? He loves you Louis and he knows how much losing people means to you. He knows about your past, he—“ Maura stopped then, staring at me for a minute, before her eyes widened as she gazed into my eyes with such an urgency I was almost knocked off my feet. “You didn’t tell him?”

 

“I…” I sighed a bit, wiping the tears from my cheeks, though more followed in their stead. “No, I didn’t want to burden him. He knew that some of my friends had ditched me, and I think I may have told him my Dad left, but I didn’t exactly tell him the full story until one of our sessions, and even that was edited.”

 

Maura stared at me, and suddenly I felt disappointed in myself. Maybe if I’d been more open with Liam, he would have been more open with me. We never really talked about things that truly mattered, or when we did the conversations ended rather quickly. I didn’t want Liam to know how attached I was to him, I didn’t want to scare him away so I tried my best to keep those to a minimum.

 

“Louis, you’re not a burden—you’re a gift.”

 

I was pulled back into her arms once more and she just held me tighter than I’d ever been held before. I needed this, I really did and I wondered if she even knew how much she was helping me—how therapeutic her hugs were. I guess it was only right seeing as I’d had to cancel our session with Zayn yesterday, but in some way this was what I needed this week. I needed to be surrounded by the love and warmth of family, and that had been exactly what I got.

 

*

 

“I love you Maura, drive carefully!” I yelled towards the car as Greg pulled away.

 

They had dropped me back at my hotel before leaving and I was so grateful to have a bit more time with them in the car. It was obvious that Niall was missing, but it was still nice to be around everyone. I didn’t exactly feel like going to bed yet, but I had nothing else to do as I wondered over towards the lift and up the stairs. My mind wandered to many things as I walked, but mostly thoughts of Liam encircled my head.

 

What was he doing?

 

Did he miss me?

 

It wasn’t really anything I could answer, but just picturing Liam trying to make himself supper was enough to put a small smile on my face. We’d tried to cook together so many times that we knew it was a lost cause. Yet, that didn’t mean Liam wasn’t going to try and teach himself to cook, but I honestly didn’t think that was the greatest idea, especially after our cake baking adventure.

 

I was so out of it that I didn’t even notice the pile of roses sitting on my bed until I practically sat down on top of them—fucking thorns hurt. I had never seen such a large pile of long stemmed roses in my life, and the fact that they were in my room was throwing me off. I glanced around looking for someone or even a fucking note, but at that precise moment my phone went off. I glanced down and my heart literally stopped at the words on the screen.

 

 

_Seventy-two roses for a man worth a million more, you played well tonight Lou. xo_


	22. Life Saver

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Irony of Choking On A Lifesaver by All Time Low

**Zayn’s POV**

 

 

“You know mate, you just have to either suck it up or let it go.”

 

“It’s not that easy.” I growled, my grip tightening around the beer in my hand. I wasn’t exactly in the mood to be discussing this shit, but he just couldn’t let it go.

 

“Zayn, it is. Stop letting them steal your happiness, that’s what they’re doing, ya know? Shouldn’t they just be like… happy for you?” He didn’t get it, honestly you would think of all people he would get it, but of course he didn’t. No one understood—not really. Even Perrie didn’t quite understand, she tried to get me to fix things but that was pretty much impossible.

 

“Ed, just drop it yeah? I’m not—I didn’t come over here to get the same shit Pez gives me at home.” I grumbled, and yeah I was acting a bit childish but I was done with this shit. I came over to spend a night with my best mate and he’d spent the entire time trying to get me to tell him what was apparently stuck up my arse. Of course I’d just flipped him the bird and grabbed a beer from his fridge.

 

“You’re such an introvert.” Ed rolled his eyes at me before settling back into his sofa right beside me. “Why are we friends again?”

 

“Because you have Daddy issues and I’m the only one capable of dealing with it.” I quipped, smirking slightly at him before he punched my arm.

 

“Um, no I believe it was because you were drunk off your ass one night in Uni and I was the only one kind enough to help you back to your room.”

 

“I woke up with a knot on my head, and a bloody laceration down the length of my arm.”

 

Ed just shrugged a bit. “You were heavier than I anticipated.”

 

“You’re such a girl.”

 

“Take it back Malik or so help me God…”

 

Ed was honestly one of the best distractions, he didn’t have trouble talking about whatever I brought up—on the rare occasion he would talk seriously with me, but most of the time it was just a right laugh. He was so calming to be around, my thoughts never raced out of control when I was talking to him. I didn’t worry when I was with Ed because with Ed things were simple. You had a problem and you found a solution—end of story. He didn’t overthink things like most people do, he didn’t bring out the inner psychologist in me. He was just my mate and when I was with him I was just Zayn. I wasn’t Dr. Malik—I wasn’t that troublesome boy from Bradford, I was just—me.

 

Ed came into my life at a time when I thought mine was over. I had just flunked out of one of my most important courses, my parents weren’t helping any and my girlfriend had just dumped me. All this bad shit was just piling up until one night I was just done with it. I went out to a party and when I woke up beside some carrot top, my world was honestly never the same. He picked me up, even when I was moody as shit—for some god damned reason Ed stayed. He was the first person who seemed to see value in me, and he’s the reason I decided psychology was the life for me. Everyone needs a person like Ed in their lives, someone who won’t give up on them even when they give up on themselves. Ed was my person, and I simply wished to be an Ed for someone else—no matter how small.

 

“So what’s with the mess?” I asked, my hand waving about his wreck of a flat. “Your place is usually spotless—except for the bedroom and closets of course, seeing as you need somewhere to stash all your rubbish.”

 

“Spring cleaning mate.”

 

“It’s February.” I told him, my brows furrowing up in confusion, as Ed shook his head at me.

 

“Spring cleaning can be done any time after the beginning of the year—I’m pretty damn sure I saw that on the internet one time.” I just rolled my eyes—people and the internet.

 

“Haven’t you ever heard the saying, you can’t trust everything you read online?”

 

“Well haven’t you ever heard the saying, if you bottle everything up for too long you’ll explode?” And we were back full circle.

 

It seemed for whatever reason; Ed was set on talking to me about my problems. Apparently a day off from psychology meant that it was my turn to sit on the sofa instead of in the chair. I’d never desired to be on this side of a therapy session, I simply enjoyed helping others. That didn’t mean I wanted to go and talk about my problems. I dealt with things fine on my own—honestly, I did.

 

Ed was the only exception, other than Perrie of course but there were some things that you just needed your best mate for.

 

“We went to visit them, alright? Happy now, you asshole?”

 

Ed did seem to be overly pleased with himself and I honestly could have punched him in his face, had I not been feeling like a slug. He really did have one of the most comfortable sofas I’d ever sat on in my life.

 

“Really? How did they talk you into that or did…” Ed studied me carefully, and it was times like this that I wondered who the therapist was and who the pharmacist was. “Perrie talked you into it didn’t she?”

 

It was a stupid question really; Perrie could probably talk me into manslaughter if she wanted to. She was honestly too persuasive for her own good, plus Mum had been calling constantly and that was really the only way we knew to calm her down—at least for a little while. So we went and it was exactly as it had always been. It seemed that Dad could not forget my past, even with the immense progress I’d made, he was so focused on the past it was ruining all my memories of home. He had to know that, but why he couldn’t just let it go was beyond me.

 

“She just wanted to make Mum happy—and she did. It was amazing Ed, Mum was beaming from the front door as soon as we pulled up, and honestly it felt so good to see her again.”

 

Mum and I’d always been very close. We had that special mother-son relationship, and seeing as I was her only boy, our bond was rather strong. It had been strained thanks to distance, but whenever I saw her memories just flooded back in and for a moment I forgot why I’d been avoiding home for so long. Of course, then Dad would walk in and he’d be wearing that frown on his face, and everything would just come back. It wasn’t even that I didn’t love my father it was just… complicated. Though really, what about life wasn’t complicated?

 

“I’m guessing things got worse when your Dad showed up then?” I simply nodded my head, taking a sip of my now luke-warm beer. It tasted like shit, but I honestly couldn’t be bothered to care at the moment. “Why don’t you just sit down and talk to him? If you talked things out maybe—“

 

“No.” I hissed out. I wasn’t a talker, I was as far from a talker as people could get. I preferred to observe and the thought of having to sit down with my Dad and talk to him about fucking feelings was about as mental as an ant ruling England.

 

“You know it’s a good idea, listen to Freud man, he’ll tell you.” I snorted at that, beer dribbling down my chin as I glanced at my clueless mate. He really was an idiot sometimes.

 

“Freud studied cats—that isn’t exactly the ideal conversation starter for my father.” He acutally didn't but Ed didn't know that so...

 

“Whatever, you know what I mean.” Ed brushed it off, picking up the remote from the coffee table, a sure sign that our conversation was finally coming to an end—thank God. “You took psychology Zayn, you know what you need to do—you just have to find the balls to do it.”

 

With that the television was flicked on, and he was done. I wasn’t a rash person, I thought things through before doing them, and of course Ed knew that. He’d planted the seed necessary for his ideas to grow, and I’d probably end up dwelling over this conversation for the next week. He was such a bastard—but an orange bastard, and who could hate a red head? There were so few in the world they were like fucking unicorns or something. A rare breed, with a carrot for hair, I’d told Ed this once before and he just stared at me for a bit before shrugging and going back to his lego set.

 

“I’m gonna go take a smoke, you want to join me?” He simply waved me off, and I took that as a no as I stood up and slipped on my coat before opening his door and exiting the flat.

 

I should have been paying more attention to where I was going, but I was too busy digging in my coat pockets for my lighter and pack of smokes that I didn’t even notice the person in front of me before I was stepping on their feet and running into their chest.

 

“Sorry.” I slurred looking up at them with an apologetic smile, before I really saw who it was.

 

“Zayn?”

 

“Niall?” I tilted my head to the side in confusion.

 

It was throwing me off to see him outside of my office. I usually kept my personal life and business life very separate, and I’d never really run into one of my clients outside of the office. Though, if I’m to be completely honest, I was glad it was Niall instead of say Clarence or Leah—that couple was like the devil incarnate and I’m certain the spawn in her stomach was going to destroy the earth—but that was just my personal opinion of course.

 

“Do you live here or something?” Niall asked, his eyes looking a little more bright in the hallway lights than they did in my office—but that could also be that Niall was slowly lighting up again. I hoped it was the second one, otherwise I really needed to get new lighting in my office.

 

“No, just visiting my mate Ed.” I pointed to the flat behind me, while Niall frowned a bit before a smile made its way onto his face, small but still--it was a smile.

 

“Has he got orange hair, and sick tattoos covering his arms?”

 

I stared at him for a minute, before nodding my head, a frown pulling at my face.

 

“I uh—I guess, though I don’t know if I’d call them sick. I mean he’s got a fucking gingerbread man on his arm.”

 

Niall just laughed a bit louder at that, his smile breaking out into the first truly genuine smile I’d ever seen him wear. He looked bright in a way, like this was how he was supposed to be, and I liked it. I liked this version of Niall much better than the sullen one I’d gotten to know. It peeked my curiosity, was he like this all the time back then? I would have probably really enjoyed his company if I had met him before things went downhill with Harry.

 

“Trust Louis to think that’s sick. Though really do you have any room to talk? I mean, what’s up with the whole ‘zap’ thing? Were you like tazzed there or something?” I groaned staring down at my uncovered arm—I was always very professional at work, so my tattoos never showed, expect for the one on my hand that I couldn’t exactly hide of course.

 

“No, I wasn’t tazzed I just—I like comic books and well ‘zap’ seemed like a good one to get.” I mumbled a bit, biting on my bottom lip as I stared down at my tattoo.

 

“Do you have ‘pow’ or ‘boom’ somewhere else then?” I glanced up to see a smirk had replaced the smile on Niall’s lips and I just frowned a bit.

 

“No, I don’t.”

 

“Damn—that would have made my day.” Slowly the light was draining from Niall’s eyes, and I could honestly just see it slipping away. I wasn’t ready for it to leave yet, I was enjoying this Niall. I was enjoying his smart remarks and laughter. I was just enjoying him and I didn’t want it to be over so soon.

 

“Oh—it hasn’t already?” I asked, raising my brow at him as he chuckled at me.

 

“Oh yes, talking to my therapist about his piss idea of a tattoo was all I’d been looking forward to today, thank you for that.” I chuckled a bit before glancing down at his pale skin, not seeing a mark anywhere on his skin.

 

“Do you have any then?”

 

It seemed that was the stupidest statement in Niall’s opinion as he practically snorted out a lung. I simply stared at him waiting for an explanation and it didn’t take long, until I got one.

 

“Not really into the whole thing. I mean it’s not like I’ve never been to a tattoo parlor, Louis and Harry have more than enough for the three of us. Even Liam has a few but—I’m just not really into it. Plus I’ve never thought of something special enough to ink into my skin forever. God bless Harry, but I still say he’s going to try and get that fugly moth removed from his chest one day.” Niall shuddered, while I just stared at him a bit in shock.

 

“A moth?” I squeaked, rather surprised by that one.

 

“Yeah, I still don’t know what he was thinking but the thing is huge. It practically crosses from nipple to nipple.” Niall shuddered again while I just gaped at him.

 

“Wow… that’s um—interesting.” He chuckled a bit, though this one was more reminiscent and less—happy.

 

“Yeah, but that’s just Harry, ya know? He does stupid shit without really thinking it through.” And that’s when I knew I could no longer salvage the conversation. We had come full circle and suddenly it felt like we were sitting in my office and Niall was on the sofa while I sat across from him and simply watched him break in front of me.

 

It wasn’t a pleasant thing to experience, but it wasn’t until just now that I even realized how much life just seeped out of him. It was like he literally deflated and what was left was just a shell of what he was only minutes before. It was so sad, but it was also motivating. It made me feel like I had finally found a goal for Harry and Niall to reach, and it was simply to get Niall back to at least that state. I just wanted Niall to be able to laugh freely and smile widely and mean it the entire time. I had been given a bit of insight to the way things should be, and now I finally had something to aim for.

 

“Do you live here?” I blurted out thoughtlessly, my eyes widening as I realized I’d said that out loud. Niall didn’t seem bothered by it though, as he simply shook his head.

 

“Nah, I’m just visiting Liam. He’s Ed’s new neighbor. Or well, I think he is? I don’t really know if anyone else has moved in recently.” He shrugged at that, but I just nodded my head. Then something popped into my head, and I found myself voicing another question, though this one was said on purpose.

 

“Was Louis the one that came over at, and I quote, fucking dawn to borrow a god damned mixer?” Niall smiled a bit at that before nodding his head.

 

“Yeah, apparently Liam didn’t stop him in time.”

 

“I’d say, I got a phone call that morning from Ed bitching about a headache and a blue eyed punk who had the audacity to ruin his beauty sleep. Ed can be a bit dramatic from time to time.” I shook my head a bit, while Niall simply nodded, smiling at me before glancing towards Liam’s door once more.

 

“Well I’m going to get going; it was nice talking to you Zayn. I’ll see you Thursday?”

 

“Yeah, see you Thursday Niall.”

 

And with that he was gone, disappearing into Liam’s flat without another word. I stood in the hall for another minute, trying to decide whether or not I wanted a smoke anymore, and to be honest I didn’t quite feel like it anymore. So instead I turned around and made my way back to Ed’s flat, my lighter and smokes forgotten in my pocket.


	23. Hold On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hold Onto Me by Mayday Parade

**Harry’s POV**

 

I’ve been standing by the door since five waiting for him to get back home.

 

It’s almost eight.

 

Except for the few bathroom breaks I had to take, and those were taken in haste, I’ve been standing here. Every little creak or squeak made me jump in anticipation. I’d wanted to have a night with Niall, of course I expected the evening to start a few hours ago, but this would do. Anything would do really, as long as I was with Niall. If I was with him then I would be alright with anything. I could have sent him a text a while ago and asked him to come home, but I didn’t want to bother him—or maybe I was just afraid he’d be busy. He could have been with anyone really. Louis wasn’t back in town so I couldn’t ask him, and I wasn’t exactly in the best place with Liam to contact him at the moment.

 

Ever since Thursday I’d been thinking, or more like over thinking. Niall enjoyed the simple things. He went with the flow most of the time, but if it was up to Niall his idea of a date would be fast food and a good movie. Sometimes he liked to go get something to eat at a restaurant of his choice, but mostly Niall did things for others. He liked food from almost anywhere, so it wasn’t a hardship to get my way, even though I knew exactly which places he liked to eat most. I knew the foods that were his favorite; I knew his favorite color, his choice of underwear, his signature cologne. All in all, I knew a lot about Niall—I knew his body better than I knew my own, I knew his facial expressions, his fears, his dreams, his goals and his heart. Niall wore it on his sleeve, and I’d taken that for granted.

 

I’d taken him for granted.

 

I was done doing that.

 

This week being a non-assignment, just made everything seem that much more important, it made our relationship more meaningful, because in the end this week was what we wanted to do for each other. It was a matter of us thinking about it, and coming up with something. I’d thought so hard about it that I’d started to get ahead of myself. I’d probably planned our lives out until our great grandchildren really. Niall was who I wanted, he was everything I wanted—and I was done taking him for granted.

 

The lock on our door clicked, and I glanced up, my eyes widening as the door swung open. Niall came in with a frown on his face, and a bag in his hand. I had no idea what was in the bag nor did I know why there was a frown on his face, all I could see really was that Niall was home—he was home and it took every ounce of self-control I had not to throw myself into his arms. I was being overly dramatic, that was for sure, but I’d been waiting for three hours for him to come back and he did. I’d been struggling majorly with the thought of Niall looking for his own flat, and every time I was home and he wasn’t I worried that he was out looking at another one. I wondered if I’d come home just like Louis had a few months back and find Niall packed up and mostly moved by the time I’d come home. It was a fear, a major fear and every single day I dreaded walking through that door. I dreaded seeing a desert where there had once been an ocean. Niall was everywhere, in every little thing that surrounded our flat but it would be so easy for him to pick up and leave—bringing him and his essence with him.

 

“Harry? What are you doing?” I blinked a few times, and my heart picked up its pace as his blue eyes met my green ones. He was looking me in the eyes again. He was looking at me again.

 

“I um—I was waiting for you.” I mumbled my voice not nearly as strong as I’d practiced an hour ago.

 

“What? Why?” Niall had cocked his head to the side and was staring at me with such confusion that I just sort of deflated in front of him.

 

“I wanted to—I just kind of you know…” I shook my head a bit, twiddling my fingers before breathing in and out a few more times and tried again. “You remember that time when I was had my wisdom teeth removed and you took the day off from work and we just vegged in front of the television? Like we spent the entire day watching those corny old American sitcoms, because we’d busted the remote and it was stuck on that channel?”

 

“What of it?” Niall’s voice wasn’t quite what I expected; the rough edge that had come out sent my heart fluttering.

 

“I um—I went out after work yesterday and I bought some seasons and I just sort of wanted to watch them with you.” I stared down at my feet, embarrassed and also afraid to see Niall’s reaction. It could be anything, literally anything.

 

“What ones did you get?”

 

My gaze flickered up and what I saw—well it was the best thing I’d seen in a while. There was a smile, a small small smile on his face, and his eyes—they didn’t look quite so dull. If anything they looked like the sea after a storm had passed—the blue in them dark but still noticeably blue.

 

“Um, Green Acres, The Brady Bunch, and I Dream of Genie.” I flicked them off on my fingers, doing my best to remain calm when in reality all I wanted to do was bury my head in a pillow and let the floor swallow me whole. This was so awkward, we weren’t awkward and I just wasn’t used to this—I never wanted to get used to this.

 

“Um…” Niall glanced around, before his gaze stopped at the bag in his hand. He stared at it for a bit, and I just watched him as his face scrunched up in contemplation, though what he was contemplating I had no idea. “Here I ah—I got this for you.”

 

He stuck his arm out, not moving his feet anywhere near me, but just kept his gaze on the bag. I stared at it for a bit myself as well but mine was more in awe than anything else. He’d gotten me something—he’d actually gotten me something and I was a little in shock. My heart tugged and tears stung at my eyes, this was so unexpected. We’d both tried this week, without any push from someone else. Niall was trying—Niall was still trying with me. He hadn’t given up yet, and I just hoped he’d keep holding on. I just needed him to hold onto me until he no longer had to struggle, until it was as easy as breathing.

 

“Thanks Ni.”

 

I choked on the words, my hand trembling as I reached out towards the bag, grabbing it from Niall’s grip. It wasn’t overly heavy, it was pretty light actually. I glanced up at Niall once more to see his eyes now trained on me, his teeth were chewing on his cheek like he hadn’t eaten in a month and I could feel my own nerves grow. He’d thought about this, whatever it was—he’d really thought about it.

 

When I opened the bag, I was presented with a single DVD, I pulled it out and what stared at me was a cover that sent my mind racing back to a year ago. A time where things were simpler and Niall’s laugh was more than just a memory but an actual sound to be heard on an hourly basis, it was one of the clearest memories I had of the two of us—it was one of my favorite memories.

 

“Silence of the Lambs?” I smiled, glancing up to see that Niall was also smiling a bit wider, his lips a bit higher than they had been a moment ago.

 

“I was just talking about your tattoo earlier, that fugly moth.” He shuddered jokingly causign me to frown before glancing down at my covered stomach—it wasn’t that bad for God’s sake. “And it brought me back to that day and how I was pretty sure I convinced the tattoo artist that you were a serial killer. He really did seem convinced didn’t he?”

 

I nodded my head, a chuckle escaping from my lips as I remembered it as well, though seeing as I was the one with the needle to my abdomen I was trying my best not to let Niall freak Lenny out too much. He hadn’t been the person I usually went to so he was a bit more easily fooled by Niall’s charm and sweet way of talking.

 

“Yeah, if I hadn’t brought up this dumb movie I’m sure he would have phoned the police or something. Honestly though, how could you ever compare me to Buffalo Bill? I didn’t try and make a skin suit! All I wanted was a tattoo, and it’s a butterfly—it’s not even a moth.” I gestured down to my stomach, Niall’s eyes following my movements.

 

“First off, it’s not dumb, it’s a classic. Second off, you got a moth--it is so a moth—tattooed across your stomach as if making it into a shrine for those nasty creatures. Excuse me if I don’t compare you to a serial killer who had a moth obsession.”

 

I scoffed at that. “He’s made up for fuck’s sake! It’s a movie!”

 

“Everything has a basis of truth Harry.”

 

I stared at Niall for a minute, and then everything just sort of seemed to hit at once. Niall’s eyes widened, as he stared at me—I could see the panic that clouded them, as he literally started blinking rapidly again. It was like that one night a month ago when he’d let me in and then shut me down just as quickly. Niall’s walls had come down again, and things had reverted back for just a few minutes, and he was scared. Louis told me he was scared, and if I was going to trust anyone where Niall was concerned it would be Louis. I had to think quickly before I lost all the progress we’d just made, I couldn’t keep taking one step forward and two steps back, I needed to start making some headway. I needed to start doing something.

 

“I didn’t mean what I said that night.”

 

That certainly caught his attention again, his eyes drifted back to mine, though this time the wall was up. I couldn’t see any of his emotions; he was just a stone wall. He was a stone wall to me, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t hear what I said. It didn’t mean that the words I spoke tonight would just fly over his head. I may not be able to see how he handled the information I was going to give him, but at least he would have it. Maura was right, Niall deserved an answer, even if this was only part of it, it was still a start.

 

“Actually, I take that back—I did mean it.” This time the wall wasn’t thick enough to shroud the immense hurt that flashed across his eyes, but I wasn’t done. “I just didn’t mean it with you. I didn’t mean to say that about you because it wasn’t even about you. It was about… it was about me. It wasn’t you Niall—it was never you. I know how cliché that sounds, the whole ‘it’s not you it’s me’ but it wasn’t you. It was never you.”

 

Niall was simply staring at me, and I just wanted to hug him, I wanted to have him curl up on my lap, or even better, I wanted to curl up on his lap and rest my head on his shoulder as I laid every single little thing out into the open. I wanted Niall’s arms wrapped around me, making me feel safe and loved—something it seemed only he had ever really done for me. Sure Mum had held me, but there was something so different from a mother holding you to a lover holding you. One was expected, a mother’s love was supposed to be there, not that all mother’s loved their children like they should—but mine did. Lovers on the other hand, boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives, whatever the hell it may be—chose to love you, not because they had to or were expected to but because they wanted to.

 

They picked you, and you picked them and the bond was just that much deeper, that much more special, and that much more fragile. If one of you did something to break the trust or the love held between you, the fight to get it back was hard—it was so hard. I was trying my best right now, and I still wasn’t sure if this was what Niall needed. I just knew that Niall was who I wanted, I’d picked him and it was time for me to make him see just how much I loved him because I did. I loved Niall, I had for such a long time, and even though I’d often been a skeptic of love—never one for a relationship, until I met Niall. Even then, I still wasn’t exactly sold on the idea. It took a lot of convincing from Louis for me to ask Niall out, and that was only after my never ending bitching about all his different dates and boyfriends. Niall always gave too much to men that didn’t deserve him—and I guess I was now one of them. I didn’t deserve Niall, but I wanted him.

 

“You’re right, there was a basis of truth to it, but it wasn’t you. I didn’t hate you being close to me, I didn’t think that Niall—you weren’t the person that I hated. You aren’t the person I hate; you’re the one I love most. I know that my actions didn’t exactly show that but—I wasn’t thinking straight. You have to understand me when I say I wasn’t thinking at all. I was just… it was like I’d been thrown back in time and you—you weren’t meant to be concerned with it. It should have never been an issue for us at all but I made it one. I’m sorry.”

 

I stared down at the forgotten film in my hands and a faint smile made its way onto my face. It was something Niall and I shared, something only Niall and I shared. I loved that he remembered it, and that he went out and bought this for me, because that meant something—it had to.

 

“You know Niall, the thought of anyone else having you makes me ill.” I looked at him then, my emotions playing across my face without any care of hiding them. I wasn’t going to hide from Niall, I didn’t need to hide from him, and I never did. “I don’t want anyone else to kiss you or love you like I do. I don’t want to them to look at you or think about you in the ways that I have and still do more often than not. I want you, and only you. I want you right now, I want you yesterday, I want you tomorrow and next week, and next year. I want you, because I’m not perfect. I’m fucked up, and you know that, you’ve known that and yet you still love me. I don’t get it, I don’t understand it, but I’m not going to let you go. I won’t do it anymore. I’m in love with you, and I just want you to trust me again, and it’s not because I deserve it, or that you feel obligated to, but because you want to trust me, and you love me just like I’ve always loved you.”

 

Niall’s eyes were flickering back and forth between mine, as if he was looking for the false statement, he was searching for the lie, but there was none to be found. I wasn’t lying to him, I wouldn’t lie to him. He didn’t need me to lie to him. He just needed me to be honest with him. I was doing my best to be honest and to make my feelings known. He deserved that much and so much more.

 

“You haven’t always loved me Harry, you used to hate me if I do recall correctly.” He whispered, his words wobbling as they fell from his lips, but he was wrong. I never hated him—not once.

 

“I didn’t hate you Niall, I hated Josh. I took that out on you. I didn’t understand why you were dating him when he was such a fucking prick. He was short and attractive in a way… I guess, but he wasn’t good enough for you. No one’s even been good enough for you. I’m not good enough for you, but I want to be. I want to be better, because I want to deserve you.”

 

I closed my eyes then, and simply breathed deeply. This wasn’t my plan for the night. This wasn’t some easy time spent between the two of us like it used to be. This was heavy and hurtful and the truth. This was a part of the giant elephant in the room, and Niall needed to know that. He needed to know everything if he was to understand why I’d been so… ghastly for those few short months. He slipped through my fingers and somehow I didn’t even notice it. I didn’t notice he was so far gone until it was too late. I didn’t get a good slap to the face until that night when he locked himself in the bathroom and refused to speak to me. It wasn’t until Louis got there that anything really sunk in.

 

I’d been in my thoughts for so long that I didn’t even realize what I had been doing to the one person I never wanted to let go. I never wanted to let Niall go, not now that I had him. Some people take losing what they have to realize what it was they truly had. I realized what I had before I was even given a chance with him, and when my chance finally did come around—I let my fears outweigh my desire for Niall and just… Niall.

 

“I’m not some fucking saint Harry. Don’t put me on a pedestal, it’s not what I deserve. You’ve got this golden image of me, and sometimes I feel like if I step one toe out of line I will shatter it all. I’m not perfect. I’m not a wonderful person. I’m just me, the same as you’re just you. No one really deserves anything they have, and no matter how hard you work for it—it won’t change that fact. Just because I try to be kind and helpful, doesn’t mean I deserve the best out there. Everyone deserves someone to love them unconditionally—every single person. Love isn’t something that should be held back so please, if you love me, then show me. Just… love me. That’s all I want. I want to be loved by you.”

 

I looked at him, trying my best to judge what it was Niall was really saying, what was he comfortable with me doing in this exact moment? I knew certain things were still off limits but other things weren't quiet as delicate.

 

So with Niall’s words rushing through my head I set my gift on our sofa, and closed the distance between us, just hugging Niall into me. His arms wrapped around my waist, and mine stayed put hooked over his shoulders. Hugs were more often than not so underrated. In movies no one noticed the subtle touches, but the big scene where the main characters finally shared a passionate kiss that, more often than not, lead to a passionate night.

 

But really, they never showed how much value a hug could have, how safe just having someone else’s arms around you, could make you feel—how loved. Standing there in our living room, my arms around Niall, and his arms around me, I felt it.

 

 

I felt loved.


	24. Love Yourself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sailboat by Ben Rector

**Liam’s POV**

 

“Liam James Payne! Open the God damn door!”

 

I was startled from my position in the kitchen, my tea spilling across the counter as Louis’ voice boomed through my flat. His fists were banging rapidly on my door, and I knew this was important. Louis may be one to make a racket, but he did know what hours were decent and what hours were not. Ten till midnight didn’t exactly qualify as decent. Something was very wrong—or maybe something was very right. With Louis… well with Louis things were never exactly as they should be.

 

“Liam God damn it, open the fucking door or so help me God I will break it down.” His voice was quivering, and by the time I finally got the door open, he was literally shaking.

 

My heart leapt in my throat at the sight of him. His hair was smashed under a beanie, and he was wearing some joggers and a plain grey shirt. He looked just like he did on lazy days around the house, but today it was obvious his apparel resembled that of travel. He looked downright exhausted, purple bags lay below his bloodshot eyes. It took all I had in me not to just grab a hold of him and rock him to sleep. I’d never done that before but it seemed like something needed right now, and I was more than willing to do it for him, I was more than willing to do anything for him.

 

I’d do anything for Louis.

 

“Louis, are you alright? Come in.” I moved aside, tugging his arm to make him step over the threshold. He looked a bit shaken but there was a hidden resolve under all the stress, he was here on a mission, and it seemed even my subtle touches couldn’t distract him.

 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?! Why would you do that? Why would you—how could you?” He looked angry, but the words spoke a different story. The shaky delivery in which he spoke said it all, and I had honestly be preparing myself for this moment.

 

I’d gotten a last minute ticket to Ireland in order to see his game. I couldn’t stand the thought of him playing without me there, I always attended. I had never missed a game, not since I officially met Louis and the thought of starting now broke my heart. My session with Zayn really resonated with me, and I felt that I honestly couldn’t break this long streak now. I couldn’t do it now that Louis and I weren’t exactly Louis and I anymore. If Louis thought I didn’t care about what mattered most to him, what kind of jackass would I be? I loved seeing Louis play; I loved seeing it almost as much as I loved Louis. He was like a whole different person out on the field and it was amazing to see. I loved witnessing Louis in his element, it was breathtaking.

 

“You played well.” I told him, not backing down from his loud accusations. I honestly just hoped that the walls weren’t too thin because I had a feeling this conversation wasn’t going to end soon—nor did it seem like it was going to be a quiet one.

 

“You don’t—you don’t get to do that Liam! Alright? You don’t just get to send me a fucking text and leave me roses. You don’t get to do that!”

 

“Why the hell not?! Why can’t I see you play? Everyone else gets to see you play! I should have just as much right, I should—fuck I should have more of a right than anyone else.”

 

Louis was fuming now, if he weren’t wearing a beanie I’m pretty damn sure there would have been steam rising from his head. He looked so angry, and I was almost glad to see him like that. I was glad to see my words were making him feel something, something other than sadness. Anger wasn’t exactly what I was going for but it was something and I’d take it. I’d take what Louis gave me, because I ended us and that made it my responsibility to fix us. Everything just seemed so much clearer, and as I looked back I realized that communication was ultimately our downfall. If I had just sat down and talked to Louis or he had sat me down and talked to me… I wondered—would we be here? Would we be separated by our own stupidity or would we be better, stronger, happier?

 

“No, alright, no. You don’t get to do that Liam! You don’t have that right anymore. You gave it up, you did. No one forced you to walk out that god damn door. No one held a gun to your head and made you do it, you did it. So don’t even give me that shit—don’t do that to me.” Now that was a slap to the face.

 

Louis was no longer looking at me, his posture tense, and his head bowed, as he breathed in and out heavily. I stood there for a minute just watching him, just watching the way that Louis breathed through his anger, the way that Louis was able to calm himself down, something I admired him for. He could be saying worse things. He could be throwing the roses in my face, or shouting about how I never let him in. He could tell me how I didn’t deserve to be there, he could say so much but instead he was sticking to the basics. He was treating me in kind really when I thought about all the shit I’d put him through. He was right, I didn’t have that right anymore, but I was ready to fight for it now. I was ready to fight for us, because I was ready to fight for me.

 

“You’re right Lou, no one made me do it.” He glanced up then, his eyes shining a bit with what looked like tears but could really be just a glare from overhead lights. “I did it. I chickened out on you, because I was scared of so many things. I was scared of you, I was scared of myself, I was scared of us—and ultimately I was tired. I was tired of how things were between us because sometimes doubt fills you up and no matter how hard you try and convince yourself that people care about you, no matter how many times they show you—sometimes you just don’t know how to believe them.”

 

Self-doubt was one of my major enemies. It was like a plague that had invested me, and I was taken over this unexplainable heaviness deep inside that just made me feel little to no value. I often thought of how others would be fine without me, of how I was bringing them down. Louis was a prime example. He was everything I wasn’t. He was athletic, and outgoing. He was fun loving and open, while I was more reserved with my affections and openness was a pretty foreign concept altogether.

 

Louis blinked at me a few times, a frown forming on his face as he did so. He looked, confused, almost as if what I was saying made as much sense as a monkey making friends with a fish. I don’t know if it was because I was actually telling one of the reasons I walked out, or if it was because he was trying to wrap his head around what I had just told him, though in all honestly it could have been anything. It could have just been gas for all I know really.

 

“Why didn’t you say something Liam? Why didn’t you ever talk to me about this? Why did you wait so long?! I just… I don’t understand why Liam, alright?! I would have talked to you; I would have confided in you, I would have fought for you. Did I honestly mean so little to you?”

 

I stared at him for a minute, doing my best to gather my courage, to be honest. This was all new, I’d never talked this openly to someone before in my life. I kept things from my family, I kept things from my friends, I kept things from Louis—I couldn’t do that anymore. I couldn’t live like this anymore, it wasn’t something I could handle. It was tearing me apart, it was tearing everything I’d ever loved apart, and it wasn’t alright anymore.

 

It was never alright.

 

“No, I did.”

 

My words, though spoken softly and without much conviction, still managed to stop Louis in his tracks, the heat of the battle seeming to rush out of him all in one breath. I could see the flush in his cheeks from some alcohol he’d most likely had on the flight, his eyes seared through me like that of a laser, and my heart was practically in my throat. Honestly was a hard thing to come by, it took more courage than I ever thought I’d have. I wasn’t courageous, I was a coward.

 

I had always been a coward.

 

“You did what, Liam?”

 

I guess Louis hadn’t exactly understood what it was I was trying so hard to say. He couldn’t understand what it was I was saying, because yes I was being obtuse about it, but it was the easy way. It hurt less than coming out and saying how I truly felt. How I’d felt about things for years now, and it wasn’t anyone’s fault but my own anymore. I should have brushed those words off, I should have gotten over that time of my life, but I hadn’t. I had pushed it aside, I had left it to gather dust in the furthermost corners of my mind, and I couldn’t do that anymore. I had to clear out the rubbish if I was to make room for the acceptance. If I was to make room for Louis I had to let go of them, of the words, of the actions both mine and theirs, it all had to be looked at, broken apart and thrown away before Louis could fully move back in. I wanted Louis more than I wanted to hold on to those horrible times, and I was trying.

 

I just had to keep trying, and eventually things would work out.

 

“I meant so little to myself. You just got caught up in the crossfire; it wasn’t because I didn’t love you, but because I didn’t love me, I haven’t loved myself for… a very long time.”

 

Silence can speak louder than words.

 

There are some moments in life where words fall short, and actions are not enough to convey exactly what one was feeling. I was silent because I had nothing more to say, not tonight at least. Louis didn’t need to know what I was thinking all at once, I couldn’t tell him that all in one moment. I could do small doses, I could slowly let him in, I could do that, and that’s exactly what Zayn had told me to do. He said Louis would do better with that. We all would do better with small pieces coming to life at a time, and I could do that. I could slowly unveil that picture in my head that I’d kept to myself for so long. I could tell Louis, I could only tell Louis—he was the only person who needed to know, the only person I wanted to know.

 

“How could you… how could you not love you?” Louis’ voice was shallow, his breath hallow and quick like a swift breeze through the trees on a late afternoon.

 

I stared at Louis, and a smile somehow found a way onto my face. Even when I was talking about something so weighing Louis could make me smile. He was like a honest to god angel, or maybe he was just my angel. To anyone else Louis would seem like a handful and maybe to some even over the top—but to me he was just what I needed. He was a breath of fresh air in comparison to my floor to ceiling walls.

 

“Louis, how do you live so freely and love so easily when life has been so hard for you? How do you wake up and smile when you hardly see your mother and you don’t speak to your father? How do you do it? Is it like programmed into you or are you really just that amazing?” I was in awe of him, and I honestly always had been. It was a problem at first, seeing as I wanted to impress him but after a while I realized the thing Louis admired most was being who you were, so I just… was.

 

And somehow, through all that—we fell in love.

 

“I struggle Liam, every smile is a battle, every moment a war. I live every day knowing that Dad didn’t love me enough to stay, he didn’t love Mum enough to stay, he didn’t love us enough to stay. I deal with the fact that my Mum can barely stand being in the same room as me because I’m different. I deal with a lot of things, I just decide that it doesn’t own me. Maura taught me that my life is what /I/ make of it, and my family is not only the one that I’m born into but the one I make along the way. I may have had a difficult childhood, but I have a loving family who has made every moment without them seem so insignificant. I may not have my birth Mum, but I’ve got Maura, I’ve got Greg, and Bobby, I’ve got more than enough. I just decided to dwell on that, and live like life isn’t a chore, but a gift. I just want everyone to believe that life is the gift they’ve been given and to love it just as much as I have learned to.”

 

A choice, he made a choice to dwell on things that gave his life meaning. He made it sound so easy, he made it seem like that choice was as easy as breathing, and as perfect as the sun setting in the sky. Louis could look at things in a way I’d never dreamed of. He could love in a way I’d never seen before, he could be an angel to me, because Louis was everything I was missing, he was my perfect piece. That didn’t necessarily mean his edges weren’t jagged, and that he wasn’t a bit misshaped, it just meant that his jagged edges fit into my broken ones like they were made to be.

 

“Love is a choice Liam, so why don’t you choose you?” His eyes were watering, his mouth quivering as I stared at him, my heart beating wildly in my chest. “I choose you.”

 

How a person could have chosen me, was honestly a mystery. I was nothing, I honestly believed I was nothing—and to give myself value, something I’d never done before, was like growing an arm when I was born without one.

 

“I don’t… I don’t deserve it Lou, I honestly don’t.”

 

That’s when everything seemed to slot into place. Maybe Louis’ words had gotten to me, maybe they hit a little closer to home than his jokes had ever done to me before, but it was only because I was looking for an out. I was looking to devalue myself once more, and when I was able to do that, I had the perfect excuse to walk away and leave Louis better off. I didn’t expect him to come after me, no one ever had before, no one had ever put so much effort into me before, no one had loved me so much before.

 

“You deserve everything the world has to offer Liam, you just need to be willing to go out and get it. Or even just… accept it when it comes to you.” Louis was looking at me, and his eyes were doing things to me tha I never thought I’d ever feel again in my life.

 

It was like he was lighting a fire deep within me and slowly the flames were running through my every vain. I was alight with a burning sensation that made my entire world feel warm and like I was home. Louis made me feel at home.

 

It wasn’t until I saw the tears trailing down his cheeks, and the tremble to his stance that I realized he was crying. Louis was crying for me, and it wasn’t something I could understand. I didn’t know why anyone would cry for me. I didn’t know what it was he saw in me that I didn’t see, and I just felt that fire burn a little hotter, a blush rushing to my cheeks because of it.

 

“Love isn’t something people can earn, it isn’t something people can force, it’s a gift that they give because they want to. They see value in someone else, sometimes that someone doesn’t even see the value themselves, and then that love just can’t be tamed. Love should never be hidden because sometimes the person you love doesn’t know how much you love them, and then they make decisions that they never should have made. I’m sorry I didn’t show you how valuable you are Liam—I’m so-rry I failed you. I d-didn’t mean to… I’m so sorry.”

 

I rushed to Louis’ side, and pulled him tight to me, hugging him as the tears fell down his face, and buried his face into my neck, the tears soaking through both of us. It was painful and honest, and loving. It was something I never thought I’d ever hear, but in all reality needed more than I realized. Louis had given me the words that seemed to make my entire existence matter, not because he loved me, but because he wanted me to love myself as well. Louis loved me in a way that no one else had, and I doubted anyone else would, and that made it special. It made us special.

 

So as I led Louis down the hall to my bedroom, tears falling from both of our eyes, I didn’t do it for sex. I didn’t do it because I expected something to come from this. I did it because we needed each other, we needed to hold each other close as the tears fell until eventually sleep would take us and we’d be free for a short while. Free from the troubles of this world, and to have the comfort of the other when we woke up and everything we struggled with was back—we would at least have this.

 

 

We would have each other.


	25. Session Five: Explain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sad Song by We The Kings

**Zayn’s POV**

 

I don’t even know what to do.

 

I thought a week apart would do them some good but it seems whatever has happened between the two of them has opened a wound that wasn’t quite ready to be examined. The way they’re sitting beside each other, but leaning away as if the other had the honest to God ability to send them straight to hell is atrocious. Louis is staring solemnly at the floor, and Liam looks like he’s about to downright cry. I’m just so confused and I don’t even know what to think.

 

What the fuck did I miss?

 

“How are you two today?” Even I winced at that question, knowing that it was rather ridiculous to ask it, seeing as it was apparent they weren’t doing too well.

 

“Fine.” Louis mumbled, his eyes never coming up from the floor.

 

Something was wrong, something was very wrong. It wasn’t just my imagination and it seemed Liam knew that as well. His shoulders shook lightly, as if he was holding back a sob and I honestly didn’t know why. Last week he had opened up, maybe not as much as I would have liked but we got somewhere. He told me a small piece of the bullying he went through, and honestly that made more sense than anything else it could have been. Liam has to value himself if he’s going to be able to give value to Louis like he should. You can’t love someone else like you should when you can’t even love yourself like you are supposed to.

 

“How was the game last week Louis? I heard you won.” I honestly thought this would be a safe subject.

 

Not even close.

 

Liam shrank even more into the sofa while Louis flicked his wrist about a bit, like he was shaking a numbness from his hands, instead of focusing on the question. They looked almost worse today than they had on the first day of our sessions. Louis wasn’t as fired up, his world looked a little less bright, while Liam, though willing to be here now, was looking like he would have preferred to have the sofa swallow him whole.

 

“It was fine, thanks.” He mumbled, Louis honest to God mumbled.

 

Yeah, I wasn’t going to deal with this, not with them.

 

“Alright that’s it. What the fuck is going on? You two are acting strange and withdrawn and you can’t do that in here. If you want to figure your shit out, then speak it out loud or come back next week. I’m not going to sit here and waste both of our hours talking around the problem. Obviously something went down between the two of you, now I want to know what. If you want my help then you’re going to have to talk.” I would usually be a little more gentle, but there was something about these two, it was like they were both surrounded by a shell of stubbornness and I had to make things clear, or they wouldn’t give me what I needed to help them.

 

I wanted to help them, more than even I had admitted.

 

There was just something about Liam and Louis, and I saw it. I saw the love that was lying beneath the surface. They were meant to be together, and I was going to help them fix things. I saw how well they complemented each other. They were like night and day, and they fit. It worked; the two different personalities balanced each other out, because at the end of the day they were what the other needed. Louis was strong where Liam was weak, and Liam was free where Louis was chained. They kept the other grounded and together they were like they were made for each other. I just had to tear down their walls, and I’d started in on Liam’s but something was standing between them at this moment, something that I couldn’t see, and I needed them to break it down for me or we were just wasting our time. I wasn’t their friend, I was here to help them pull themselves back together, and I was going to do that.

 

“We got into an argument.” Liam mumbled, his voice shaking from his spot on the sofa. His eyes were blinking rapidly and I couldn’t tell exactly what the problem was. “I, um—I went to see Louis play last Thursday and I left him some roses in his room—seventy-two roses to be exact.”

 

I was shocked, no more than that—I was blown away. Liam had taken my advice and actually taken it to heart. It was so rare for a person to use it so quickly, if at all. It was more common for my advice to go in one ear and out the other, but that wasn’t the case with Liam. He’d tried, and he’d started to make it mean something. Liam was on the right track—he was starting it.

 

“He came over last night and he wasn’t—he wasn’t very happy with me and um—“

 

“Liam for Christ’s sake, I was caught off guard. You don’t act like you want to fix things, you don’t even act like you want to be here then I get back from my game and I’ve got roses all over my bed? I’d just been talking about you, I was thinking how you weren’t there and then you just… were. And I didn’t know what to think. I don’t get you Liam, I don’t understand why you are so hot and then cold and I just—fuck. Am I mental? I don’t—I should have been happy about that. I should have loved them but then you just—why wasn’t I happy?” Tears of frustration trailed down Louis’ cheek, but he was quick to wipe them away, the frustration peeking through the confusion on his face.

 

They were both looking at me, and I found myself sighing in the process. Obviously I was supposed to have an answer to this—I didn’t. All I had was a theory, but wasn’t that all psychology really was? It was the study of human behavior, but all humans were different, unique in their own ways.

 

“Emotions have been running high for the both of you, and you were caught off guard Louis. That is exactly it. You weren’t prepared for Liam to send you roses, or to even be at your game. Then add to the mix seventy-two roses, and you’ve kind of just hit your breaking point. That isn’t exactly a number that represents something good, it’s been tainted, so the fact that there was seventy-two roses isn’t going to really comfort you, at least not yet. You have to realize that Liam is trying Louis, he’s trying in the only way he knows how, and he’s doing it to the best of his ability. He won’t be like this forever; he won’t shut you out forever, because he’s trying. He’s trying for you and you need to keep that in mind.” Louis nodded his head, and I caught sight of another tear, but he was bowing his head before I could see it fall.

 

Liam on the other hand was watching us with wide eyes; he was biting his lip and looked to be fidgeting in his seat. He wasn’t comfortable and whatever had been on Louis’ mind wasn’t everything on his, but he seemed to be having trouble sharing. He wanted to say something, but it was like there was a binding on his lips that was keeping him from speaking out. Obviously he still needed a push to open up, and I was going to give him just that.

 

“Liam, what’s bothering you? Obviously there’s something more than that, so speak please, don’t keep it all locked up inside of yourself. You can’t keep doing that, it isn’t healthy.” He nodded his head, but still no words came out of his mouth. “Liam… what do you want?”

 

“W-what do you mean?” He croaked, his shoulders tense and his eyes dark and shifting all around the room.

 

“I mean exactly what I said Liam, what do you want? Do you want Louis to treat you differently now? Are you upset with the way he reacted? What do you feel?” Simple questions were some of the easiest ways to get people to open up. If they could answer with one word, it was a bit easier to get them to open up, it was easier to speak the truth.

 

“Hurt.”

 

Louis’ head snapped towards the side, his gaze peering sullenly at Liam, as he shrunk in on himself this time. Something was up between these two and it seemed like more, I knew it was more. There had to be more.

 

“Why do you feel hurt?”

 

He took a couple deep breaths as if preparing himself for a world of pain. I didn’t quite understand what was going on, but this was obviously hard for Liam to share. Sharing was never easy, but for Liam it was a hundred times harder than it should have been. He was strong, but this was one of his weak areas, he struggled with admitting to his problems. He struggled with being open.

 

“You weren’t there.” He was no longer talking to me, but to Louis. “I woke up, and I expected your arms to be around me, but you were gone. There wasn’t a note, there wasn’t a single piece of evidence that you had even been there. You were just… gone.”

 

Louis was blinking hard at this, his profile facing me, while his body was turned to face Liam. His eyes were blinking rapidly again, but this time it seemed to be for a different reason. He was no longer struggling over his own feelings, but Liam’s. He was dealing with the repercussions of whatever actions he’d taken, and it seemed that it affected Liam more than he had expected it to.

 

“I didn’t want to overstay my welcome.” He mumbled, but it was obvious there was more to it than that. The way his words slid out so practiced, it was as if he had been reciting them over and over in his head for hours now.

 

“How can you overstay a welcome when I invited you in? I asked you to stay the night, and you complied, so why did you leave? Why did you just walk out without a goodbye? I thought… I thought I would have you next me this morning. I wanted it Louis—so why didn’t I?” There were now tears in Liam’s eyes, and they were spilling over at a rapid rate, but he paid them no mind, his eyes focused on Louis and only Louis. It was as if whatever was to come out of Louis’ mouth was the answer to all the world’s problems, when in reality it was just a simple answer, that wouldn’t matter to most people, but it mattered to Liam.

 

“It was late Liam, you were being kind. You probably were worried about me making it home safely—you do that, you know you do—so forgive me if I thought it was pity. I didn’t want your pity, I wanted your love and I just… I woke up and you were sleeping and for a minute I forgot. I forgot about all of this as I listened to your heart beat below my ear. It was just as steady as it had always been, your arms felt just as safe as they always had and for a minute I let myself forget. I let myself let go of the last few months and I just remembered us as we were and I was happy.”

 

Louis looked away from Liam then, his eyes training on me, and what I saw scared me. Louis never looked so vulnerable, never seemed so weak, but just now he did. His eyes looked shattered, his spirits crushed as the weight of everything that had been happening seemed to settle onto him all at once. It was a lot to deal with, and he was doing his best, but as strong as Louis seemed, there were bound to be times when it got too much for him and this seemed like one of those times. Everything was becoming too much for him.

 

“Then, it all hit me. Everything came back, that night, your bags by the door, and the sudden emptiness that was left behind as you walked out the door. It all hit me with such a force that lying beside you was no longer soothing, nor safe. It was like I was confined into a space that wasn’t big enough. I couldn’t breathe and I didn’t want to leave. You were there and I felt like that wasn’t where I was supposed to be, like that wasn’t where you wanted me to be. So I got up and grabbed my things and left. I went back to our old flat and I called Niall. We didn’t talk but he was just… well he was there. He was there because you couldn’t be.”

 

Louis stopped talking then, his eyes making their way back down, his fists clenching and unclenching in his lap as Liam simply watched him. The wariness that surrounded the both of them was almost suffocating. The air was thick with an untouched desire, and it was like I was forgotten as the two of them got caught up in each other—in the memories they shared of a past untainted by Liam leaving.

 

It took a couple minutes, but before long Liam was reaching out his arms towards Louis hesitantly. He wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close, enclosing him in his arms. Louis rested his head on Liam’s chest, his shoulders stiff as Liam rested his head on top of Louis’. They were stiff and you could see the discomfort that surrounded the both of them, but there was an underlying current of something else. There was a bit of relief, like the words that they’d just forced out were finally leaving them space to breathe. They were able to be close to each other and at least know that was what the other one wanted, that was what they were both alright with, both capable of handling.

 

“It wasn’t on a whim, nor was it because I was worried about your safety. I was being selfish and I simply didn’t want to wake up alone. I wanted you to be there once more when I opened my eyes—just like you used to be. I was being selfish, but I didn’t care. I was way past caring after last night.” Liam chuckled a bit, his voice sounding more hysterical than humorous. “If I ask you to stay, please don’t leave before I’m able to say goodbye.”

 

Louis simply nodded his head into Liam’s chest, not speaking another word.

 

The rest of the session went rather smoothly. We discussed their talk the night before. Louis confessed to his thinking that leaving Liam this morning had been his selfless act for the week, and Liam had said that his delivery of roses had been his. The two didn’t speak more about the troubles they’d both had but they were certainly warmer with each other by the time their session ended. They left without an assignment, but with the promise to do their best to do something together during the coming week.

 

 

It wasn’t the best session we had but it was something, it was progress and they were talking. I just hoped that they would continue to move forward. They were coming to the time where most couples showed their true colors and I was interested to see just what theirs held. Were they going to give up, or was this only the beginning of their fight back to one another? It seemed time would only tell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um, hi. I was just wondering if anyone is reading this for the first time on here? Are you enjoying it? I don't really know... I hope you are!


	26. Session Five: Speak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Say Something by A Great Big World & Christina Aguilera

**Harry’s POV**

 

“Harry, Niall, how are you two today?” Zayn asked as we took our seats on the sofa.

 

Niall looked calm and composed, while I was doing all I could to stay upright. Tuesday night got to me, it really hit something inside me and I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do. Niall wanted me to show him how much I loved him, but how was I supposed to do that? How did I show him? I loved him; I really did; now it was up to me to make that known. I had only come up with one thing, and that wasn’t going to be easy.

 

“I’m fine mate, how are you?” Niall asked his smile truly genuine as he talked to Zayn. I will admit that caught me off guard. Niall hadn’t smiled like that for a long time.

 

“I’m doing good Niall, thanks for asking.” Zayn smiled right back, and I felt like there was something I was missing, and I didn’t like that—I didn’t like it at all.

 

“Are we going to get on with it?” I growled, my fists clenching together in my lap as I tried to get in between Niall and Zayn’s ‘moment’ or whatever the fuck you want to call it. Excuse me, but the green monster was fully awakened inside of me today.

 

“Harry, don’t be such a cunt.” Niall growled right back, making me shrink back into the sofa.

 

I had been prepping myself for this moment for the last two days, and I was starting to get really anxious as I sat here and listened to Zayn and Niall. It wasn’t like I didn’t want anyone to talk besides me—that would be selfish. I just had this feeling; this was what needed to happen. If we were going to move forward we had to discuss our problems and I knew where they started, I knew exactly when they started. It wasn’t like I was ignorant of what I had been doing to Niall, it was as plain as day on his face, but at the time I just couldn’t get over it. I couldn’t get past my own past to allow myself to treat Niall the way I should have treated him. I wanted him to feel like the most loved person in the world but there came a day when that was the last thing I could give him. I wasn’t in a good place myself, so the thought of treating Niall like he deserved to be treated just sort of fell through the cracks.

 

“Alright, how did you two do without an assignment?” I vaguely listened as Niall gave Zayn an overview of last week. I wasn’t really listening to anything besides my own heartbeat; it was roaring in my ears so loudly that I would have never been able to hear over it.

 

My hands were sweaty, my legs bouncing and my nerves on high alert. I’m surprised that neither Zayn nor Niall had made comment on it yet. They were currently discussing our heart to heart on Tuesday night, when I couldn’t handle it anymore. I couldn’t take this weighing down on me for one second longer. I was tired of skirting around the truth, of not saying anything when in all reality I had so much to say. Niall had been ready to leave me. He had been hurt time and time again by my actions, by me pushing him away. I’d hurt Niall, and I was done with that.

 

I was going to show Niall that I loved him, and there was only one way to do that. I couldn’t think of anything else to do that would show him. He needed to know how serious I was about all of this, about him. I loved Niall and I knew I always would—that wasn’t going to change, no matter what he made me think, Niall was it. Niall would always be it, and it was about time I made sure of it.

 

“I pushed him away.” I whispered, my voice coming out more timid than I’d hoped, but at least it came out.

 

Thankfully, Zayn and Niall were both attentive enough to hear that, as their heads both snapped in my direction as my confession came out. Niall’s eyes were wide, the blue in them sparkling with a light I hadn’t seen in such a long time, and I wondered when it came back, was it just now? Or had it been during his conversation with Zayn?

 

“You did what, Harry?” Zayn inquired, his eyes a bit wider than usual as well as he stared at me with an almost stunned expression.

 

“I pushed him away, I pushed Niall away.” I sighed then, taking my hands and running them through my hair before I began to play with them in my lap. “I pushed him away because the thought of falling so deeply in love with him scared me.”

 

The silence that encircled us was suffocating. I was almost certain I could hear Niall breathing beside me, while Zayn fumbled with the notebook in his lap, glancing down at it with an uncertainty I’d never seen on him before. It was obvious I’d taken them both off guard. Maybe they didn’t think things would get to this point so early in our sessions, but I didn’t want this to hang over us any longer. I wanted Niall to know that I was aware of what I did, and that I regretted it immensely. I regretted every single word I said that pushed him from me, every lie that I told to myself—every single one.

 

“You were scared… to love me?” Niall’s voice was small and reserved, his eyes trained on his trainers instead of my face, but I could hear the hurt in it. I could practically feel the hurt that was emitting off of him in waves.

 

“I was scared to love anyone.” I sighed, reaching out to grab Niall’s hand and hold it in my own. “It took me two fucking years to pull myself together and ask you out, and that was only because Louis was tired of my shit. I hated every single person you dated, I hated Josh the most—the prick—but I hated all of them. I wanted you, and I didn’t have you so I tried to fuck over every single relationship you had. Louis was done with my shit after Christian, so he said either I ask you out myself, or he’d make sure that I never saw you again. He gave me two options, and the thought of never seeing you… well you can guess how that made me feel.”

 

Niall’s eyes were no longer trained at the floor but looking straight at me, tears swallowing up the blue of his eyes. I squeezed his hand tightly in mine, but I did no more. I didn’t move closer to him, afraid of overstepping my boundaries, boundaries that shouldn’t have even been laid in the first place. They didn’t used to be there, but I fucked up—I fucked us up.

 

“Then we started dating and you were so easy to fall in love with Niall—you were like a breath of fresh air I didn’t even know I needed. I loved you without a second thought, though I avoided the word love at all costs. I kept that word locked up and instead simply fell harder for you. When we moved in together—God damn I’d never been so fucking happy in my entire life and the word love just sort of… slipped out. You made my fear dissipate into thin air to the point that I didn’t even know why I was so scared of it in the first place. I fell so in love with you that I forgot, I honest to God forgot about it until… until he came back and I could no longer forget.”

 

My breathing was coming out faster and faster, my air supply seeming insufficient for the task at hand, and Niall—I’d never seen him look so surprised in his entire life. He was staring at me like I was the sun and moon and stars all in one. I loved that look; I loved it when he looked at me like I was the most precious thing in the entire world to him. He made me feel like nothing else in the world mattered, like none of my past mattered, because Niall was my present, he was what I was fighting to get to, and if he was going to be at the finish line I didn’t need to be scared of the path I’d been on because in the end I got him. I got Niall and nothing else mattered. No one else mattered as much to me—Niall was it. He was the one I would love because he was the only one that I wanted to love. And nothing or no one was going to get in the way of us—not anymore.

 

“Who’s he Harry?” Zayn asked, and I looked up in surprise, completely forgetting about him being there. I was so caught up in my speech to Niall that I didn’t even remember where we were, all I remembered was that Niall needed to hear this, he needed to know why I pushed him so far that he fell. I broke him, and the reason I had for breaking him was such a sad excuse. It shouldn’t have hit so hard. He shouldn’t have had such a strong hold on me—but he did.

 

He still did.

 

“Mum wasn’t the type of person to give up. She was strong and lovely and everyone loved her because of it. Gemma was the first born and everyone said she was just like Mum—kind, funny, loving—you name it. Then when I came along, everyone thought I was the spitting image of him—my dad. To the world my father was a man of strong standings and faithfulness to my mother that would never sway. I believed them and in my ignorance my world came crashing down. Dad wasn’t who I always thought he was, he wasn’t who the world always thought he was—he didn’t love my Mum, and because of that she broke into a million pieces. He had the ability to break her into a million pieces. She loved him—she loved him and all he did was hurt her in return.” Tears were flowing down from my eyes as I remembered that day like it was yesterday.

 

He’d torn her apart when he left, he tore us apart. My family wasn’t like most, they were a tight knit group and when he left… nothing was ever the same.

 

“I had lived the first twelve years of my life with people saying how I was just like him. They looked at me and smiled and said ‘God damn Harry, you’re so much like Des.’ I used to smile. I used to love hearing that, but after that day—after he left, I hated it. I didn’t want to be like Dad, because Dad ruined us. He ruined what we were, he ruined what we could have been—he ruined me. If I was just like Dad, if love was just like Mum and Dad’s had been like—then I didn’t want it. I didn’t want the ability to rip someone apart, and I didn’t want to give someone else the ability to rip me apart. Love became a symbol of destruction. I didn’t want it—I didn’t want to give it away.”

 

Zayn was watching me so closely that I had a feeling that the tears that were falling from my eyes were worse than I’d thought. I was breaking down on this sofa, my hands wrapped tightly around Niall’s and he wasn’t speaking a word. My heart was being poured out for the both of them to hear—a story I’d only ever told Liam. Even then, even when I told Liam I’d omitted some. I’d skipped over bits and pieces that didn’t seem relevant because he didn’t need to pity me. No one needed to pity me. Many people lost their fathers in divorces, many different people went through what I went through.

 

It wasn’t uncommon—it just hit me differently.

 

“Then, I met Louis and Niall—and all of a sudden love didn’t seem so bad anymore. It wasn’t just love—it was commitment. Niall was easy to commit to, he loved so freely and he didn’t suffocate me. He was gentle and the times I spent with him were better than any time I’d been alone in my life. I fell in love with him, and I didn’t even realize it at first. Liam was the first person to point it out to me actually. He told me if I loved you so much why didn’t I just ask you to move in with me? And at the time I ignored him, it wasn’t love—it couldn’t be love. I’d told myself, but then I found myself spending more and more time looking up flats on the internet. I found myself stopping if I found a flyer with a place to rent—and eventually I found the perfect spot in the perfect neighborhood, and I couldn’t deny it anymore. So I didn’t.”

 

Niall’s hand squeezed mine and I looked up at him, my face red from all the tears that I’d been shedding only to discover that he was crying just as hard—his eyes red rimmed and his nose dripping, but he was looking at me. He was looking at me again and I knew this was necessary. I knew this was what I needed to do—I was doing it for him. I was showing him through my words how much I loved him. I was talking about something that I never wanted to relive because Niall deserved to know. He deserved to understand exactly what had been going through my mind when I pushed him away, he needed to know the whole story if he was going to understand why I did it.

 

“Then my Mum got remarried, and we all went to the wedding. It was beautiful and gorgeous and I found myself—I found myself dreaming about a wedding of my own. I thought of a day when maybe… maybe it’d be me and Niall up there. I was so happy then—then Dad showed up.” I stopped then, momentarily clenching my hands into fists, dropping Niall’s hands from my own, as I struggled to understand my own feelings. “I hadn’t seen the man in years. It wasn’t like we talked on the phone much and his holidays were spent with his new family so why he decided to show up during Mum’s special day was a mystery to me.”

 

I stared down at the floor my eyes no longer burning with sadness, but instead alight with a fire that I hated more than even I’d like to admit. He brought out this hatred in me, a hatred that burned so deep and had been pushed away for so long that when I saw him again—everything came back. Every single feeling of hate I’d stored away for him came rising back with a vengeance that even scared me.

 

“He wasn’t supposed to be there—he shouldn’t have been there, but when he showed up—I lost it. It was like every single memory of a past I’d rather have forgotten came back. I remembered all those nights I found Mum crying in her room, all those days where people used to look at me with pity, their eyes no longer smiling but instead looking warily at me. The resemblance between the two of us was too much—and I hated it. I hated it so fucking much—I snapped.”

 

I paused then, taking a deep breath, before gazing down at Niall, my fire diminishing as I caught sight of the sadness in his eyes. His tears were rolling down his face at a faster speed now, and I just felt miserable as I looked at him. I felt a misery that had settled inside of me because as much as I didn’t want it to be true—it was. I broke Niall in the exact way that my father had broken my Mum. I did the same thing that I swore I would never do.

 

I was just like my Dad—and I hated that more than anything.

 

“Niall came up to me later that night when we were supposed to go home and he went to grab my hand but I—I pulled away from him.” I choked up there, my voice wavering as the words made their way out of my mouth. “That was the night that started it all—I wasn’t—I couldn’t—I-I b-broke us-s.”

 

I stopped then, crumbling in on myself as I remembered with more accuracy than I’d like to admit, every single moment I pushed him away. The last time we had sex, it had been an act more than a remembrance of our love for each other. The last time I’d kissed him had been a chaste kiss that I did in passing without much feeling. The last time I’d held his hand—that cold October night, was the night that everything sunk in. It was the night I spoke to Niall in a way I’d never planned on speaking to him in my entire life. It was the night that Louis had to come and see him, the night Niall locked himself in the bathroom and wouldn’t open the door for me no matter how hard I tried to get him to. By the time I realized what I’d done to him it was too late. The damage had already been done, and Niall had been the victim of a time that should have been long forgotten.

 

“A few months later, Niall and I went out to dinner.” I closed my eyes as I remembered that horrible night, as I remembered every word I said to the beautiful man I loved more than life itself. “I didn’t want to go, I didn’t enjoy doing much with Niall outside of our flat anymore—my fear was closing in on me and I felt the intense need to escape from him. It was irrational but it was there, that feeling of suffocation just hit so hard, that I didn’t even realize what I was saying to him until it was too late to take it back.”

 

My breathing was coming out ragged, my heart hammering hard in my chest, but I needed to say this. I needed to get this out in the open. I needed to say exactly what happened that night out loud so that we could overcome it. I needed Zayn to know what I did and why I did it so that he could help us. I needed help, I knew that, Niall needed to heal, he knew that. We had broken each other apart, even if he did nothing to hurt me, over the last few months the pain I’d felt was enough to make me realize I never wanted to feel this way again. I never wanted Niall to feel this way again. We were supposed to love each other, we weren’t supposed to break each other apart.

 

“I was angry and Niall was trying to get me to smile and I just—I yelled at him, but the words I said—they were cruel. They were aimed to hurt him, I knew everything about Niall. I knew what he loved about himself and I knew what he hated about himself and I… I used that knowledge against him. In a moment of weakness I torn him limb from limb because—of fear. An irrational fear of something that hadn’t even happened to me and yet I let it infect my every thought, my every move, my every breath until eventually it turned me into a monster.”

 

My eyes were still firmly shut; my breathing ragged and I could hear Niall’s breaths as well, as they came out heavy and harsh beside me. He was remembering that night just as well, he was remembering those words that I said—those words that I never meant. I loved him, and I loved every single part of him, even the parts that he didn’t love himself.

 

“What did you say Harry?” Zayn asked, urging me forward, and I took a deep breath before continuing on.

 

“I said he was stupid, to shut the fuck up because I couldn’t stand his annoying laugh anymore. I told him that I didn’t understand why he couldn’t just stop being so God damn happy all the time and act more like an adult. I told him to get the hell away from me and stop being such annoying little fuck all the time—I said…” I couldn’t continue, my ears were already ringing, my stomach was churning and I could feel the bile rising in the back of my throat.

 

I didn’t mean those things. I didn’t mean any of those things, and yet they came out of my mouth. How could I let them come out of my mouth?

 

“He said I was an eyesore, to put it nicely. He was in one of his rages, and then he just stopped—he stopped and I saw my Harry come back, but it was too late. I was already rushing away from him because… things had gone too far, and my world was closing in on me. I could feel the beginnings of a panic attack taking over and I just needed to be alone—away from Harry. The only thing I remember after that was Louis coming inside and holding me in his arms as I…”

 

He stopped then, and the silence that fell between the three of us was loaded with answered questions, and suffocating memories. Memories that would be better left in the past, but had to come out if we were to get past them. If we were to get better than this had to be said—it all had to be said. I wanted us to get better. I wanted to live a happy and long life with Niall, one where he didn’t believe that I thought any of that shit about him, because I didn’t.

 

I didn’t believe a single word that slipped out of my mouth that night—not one single word.

 

“Well…” Zayn began, his voice hoarse, before he cleared his throat, and started again. “Now that everything is finally out in the open, are you ready to start moving past it?”

 

My eyes snapped open, the tears still pooling in my eyes, but I had hope. This was what needed to happen; this was what needed to be said. We were now going to move on; we were going to start finally heading in the right direction.

 

“Yeah, I’d say it’s about time.” Niall said, and as I looked over at him, I caught sight of Niall—my Niall.

 

The one who lived carefree and happy, the one that made me fall so fucking hard I didn’t even know when I’d begun. The Niall that made the world go round and the days feel easier, and the nights feel longer. The Niall that had me hook, line, and sinker from the moment I set on eyes on him.

 

 

My Niall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can I maybe get a comment on this one? It's all out in the open now so like... yeah


	27. Nothing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Towers by Little Mix
> 
> Some people have been confused by this chapter in the past so let me clear it up for you, Nouis will not and never be anything more than best mates/brothers.

**Louis' POV**

 

I feel empty.

 

It’s like this void has settled inside me and I’m just… blank. I’m a blank slate, an empty space, a useless building standing in the middle of nowhere. The sessions were beginning to grate on my emotions to the point that I literally left feeling worse than I had all those weeks ago. Liam wasn’t telling me what was going on. He wasn’t telling me anything, and instead I was sat there feeling useless, feeling like an invisible shield was covering me from head to toe.

 

It was almost as if someone had come and hallowed me out, taking with it everything that had ever had a sliver of importance to me. It was as if my soul was missing, or maybe my heart had been stolen. I didn’t know where it went to, but I like to think maybe Liam had it. Maybe he held it in his hands, and even though I felt lifeless right now, he was trying his best to breathe life back into me, he was trying to save me, to save us.

 

Of course that didn’t help me any at this moment.

 

It felt like I’d just finished reading a book with a less than satisfactory ending. There were so many things left unsaid, so many characters that still needed to have their moments to shine, moments to be redeemed, or to be set free. It was dissatisfying and I felt it all the way to my bones. No matter how loud I screamed or how much I cried a new ending would not reappear. I was left to be empty forever, stranded in this black hole, left to my thoughts and empty feelings. There was nothing left to calm my racing heart, there was simply… nothing.

 

All I have are my thoughts and my feelings and all I feel... is empty. And maybe that emptiness is a ploy to pull me into a darkness I never planned to touch. And maybe in this moment I just don't know how to be happy. How can I be happy when all I am is empty? When I feel like is a void of space, something no one needs standing in their way? It's like I’ve lost my way in a dark room and no matter where I go or what I feel, it's all the same. There is no door, or if there is I’ve yet to find it. Maybe it's right beside me, so close that if I simply stretched out just a little bit more I’d feel it, I’d find my way out. But how far do I have to reach?

 

I can't see. I can't feel it, I don't know.

 

I set the bottle of vodka on the table, long done with the burning that it sent through my body. I was more than tipsy enough to know that even alcohol wouldn’t be able to fix my mess. It had never fixed my mess in the first place, it was just something that dulled the pain, only now—there was no pain. There was just simply… nothing.

 

It's like I'm in a room without a door. I can't see the door, I can't feel the door—everything just seems so… hopeless. It's like I need to lie down and just sob. Sob until my sobs fade away and are replaced with silence, a silence that would numb my thoughts. I needed to let the tears fall for they have been held in for too long and I can no longer run from the ocean that has been pushed aside. The shore that had taken refuge behind my eyes was ready to break. The water was ready to meet the beach and I’m simply the shore, I’m the messenger. So the tears flow and my heart ceases to beat, and the void grows and the hurt holds on, and in this moment.

 

I’m empty.

 

"Lou? Please—please open the door."

 

I stood up lazily, wiping the tears from my eyes as the soft knocks made their way through my flat. My back was aching from the continuous nights spent on the sofa. I really needed to look into getting a new bed or something... maybe even a new flat. This one was just haunting me in ways that I couldn't even begin to deal with anymore. Maybe Liam and I were working to reconcile our differences but there were still too many memories that hurt to remember just by sitting in here alone. I was done being haunted by a past that no longer existed. It didn’t make things any easier.

 

I opened the door to find Niall standing on the other side, he looked panicked as if his entire world was falling apart right in front of him and there was nothing he could do. He looked almost as bad he did that night all those months ago, and it took everything I had in me not to break down with him. Instead I took his arm and pulled him inside, the fact that it was after two in the morning only now dawning on me.

 

“Niall, what’s wrong? Are you alright?” I questioned, setting him down gently on my sofa, before backing away, knowing that space was what he needed most in this moment. No matter how badly I wanted to hold him close and rock him until the fear was wiped from his being entirely, that wasn’t what he needed.

 

“He told me Lou, he told me everything and I just… I thought it would all be alright now. I thought I could move past it now that the words were out but then—then it just all came rushing back.” He closed his eyes flinching a bit in the process, as he curled in on himself. “I was lying down in my bed trying to sleep but all I could see was—and shit, all I could hear—Louis I just… I don’t k-know what to do. He’s trying but I’m—I’m stuck.”

 

I stared at Niall intently as he literally collapsed in on himself, his breathing becoming shallow and restrained, the walls pulling together and slowly closing off his airway as the panic took control. This wasn’t good, this was not good.

 

“Niall—NIALL.” I shouted doing my best to get his attention. I knew I couldn’t touch him yet, so I had to resort to other methods, I had to think deeper as Niall started to shut down in front of me. “Breathe mate, Ni you have to breathe. You know how, I know you do, it’s alright. Just breathe for me—please Niall, please just breathe.”

 

I wasn’t in the proper state to be dealing with this; my mind was fuzzy from the vodka I’d been chugging not twenty minutes ago, the bottle still lying on the coffee table in front of Niall, while he was struggling to find his breath on my sofa. I was helpless; I was completely useless until he could regain his breath himself. This wasn’t something I could help Niall with, he had to do this alone—I hated that. I hated being useless, I hated sitting here and watching Niall fall apart in front of me. It was déjà vu all over again.

 

It was Liam all over again.

 

“Niall, I need you to breathe, I need you to. Please just… please breathe for me Ni.” I started to fold in on myself as I slowly sunk down to the carpet, my eyes trained on Niall, and Niall alone, but the edges were blurring as tears began to form in my eyes.

 

It was as if what was happening to Niall was happening to me as well. Everything was settling on my shoulders at once, and finding the exit just seemed so… useless. There was nowhere to go; there was no escape from this empty feeling.

 

We were both simply—nothing.

 

In that moment time stood still. It was if the world stopped spinning, the clocked stopped ticking and our hearts stopped beating. All the pain that I held inside me shifted before it came flooding out of my eyes in the only way I knew how to express it. Tears soaked through my shirt as I sat there and waited for Niall to come back to me, hoping it would be sooner than later, needing him more now than ever before. I needed my best friend to hold me close and promise that my world would right itself eventually. I needed him to breathe life back into me as I suffocated until a cloud of grey that rivaled that of a hurricane.

 

I’m not sure how long I sat there with only myself for company but after a while arms wrapped themselves around my waist and I felt guilt swell in my stomach as Niall attended to me when he had come over with issues of his own—but that was Niall, he was selfless and giving, and no matter that I was his closest mate, he would have done this for anyone. I was pulled onto his lap, and he started to scratch my scalp as he hummed into my ear, his voice fighting its way through the emptiness that was just—me.

 

“Louis?” Niall’s voice cracked a sign that his tears were still flowing just as heavily as my own, but somehow he managed to speak through them. “What’s wrong Lou?”

 

“Me.” I choked, barely able to get that out through the sobs that were still wracking my petite frame.

 

“There is nothing wrong with you Louis, and you know why?” I shook my head, words still seeming impossible to even attempt to string together at the moment. “Because you’re my Lou, you’re allowed to cry and be sad and hurt—you don’t need to hide it, especially from me. I’m just Niall, I’m just your Niall, and you’ve always been able to cry with me, and you always will be. You’re allowed to cry and hurt and be miserable, and I’ll be there. I’ll always be there; you just have to call me.”

 

I nuzzled my face into the crook of his neck as his words washed over me, settling deep inside and storing them away for another moment such as this. My arms were wrapped as tightly as possible around his torso while my hands were grasping chunks of his shirt as if I would float away without him to hold me down. I was broken and tired and just done being strong, and now it seemed Niall was the one who was going to be strong for me, just like he always was.

 

“Do you believe in fate, Lou?”

 

Niall’s question caught me off guard, and I found myself shrugging uncertainly as he leaned back against the sofa with me curled up into him. He didn’t seem bothered by the lack of personal space; actually it was almost as if he welcomed it. It was like human contact had become such a rarity that even the smallest bit made a difference nowadays, and right now—I was his link to society, I was filling in where Harry should have never left.

 

“Over the last few months I’ve started to believe in it. Maybe it’s not exactly how I picture to be, but I think everything happens for a reason and that when you find that reason everything that you’ve been through simply doesn’t matter. The pain you’re feeling right in this moment will fade, and in time it will only be a memory. It will latch onto you and make your hope vanish into thin air, but if you can just hold on what awaits you on the other side will be worth it. It’s fate, because this experience that you’re going through right now will help you—or maybe even someone else—go through something later on. Maybe you’ll struggle with opening up, but then you’ll remember how horrible it felt to be left in the dark and so you’ll just simply… overcome.”

 

I frowned a bit, looking up at him, my tears slowing down as his words made their home in my head. It was only then that what Niall was saying really registered—he knew. How he knew was a mystery to me, but that fact that someone beside Liam and I knew what went on between the two of us was like a giant weight lifted off of me. It wasn’t only my burden to carry anymore, but instead it was shared with Niall. Niall was helping me carry it, I was no longer alone.

 

“How?”

 

“Liam told me, though he didn’t say it in so many words, and I finally put the pieces together.” He sighed then, glancing down at me with a somber expression. “You deserve better, you know that right? You know you’re worth more than what Liam gave to you. You are worth more than what your family gave to you. You are worth so much more Louis. I just wish you could see that. I wish you could see what I see when I look at you, maybe then you’d understand.”

 

How many times had I thought the same of someone else? How many times had I thought if only they saw what I saw?, how many times? Now though, now I realized just how that sentence sounded. It was impossible to see what you were from someone else’s perspective. I had no idea what was so special that Niall saw in me, I didn’t know… I couldn’t know.

 

“You see yourself in a mirror Louis, but that mirror that you look in is so flawed. It isn’t something that shows things for what they really are. It is man-made, and therefore it is flawed, it will never show you what you truly are. All it will ever do is reflect back to you a distorted view of yourself, you will never see yourself clearly because of that, but trust me when I say you’re worth more than anything in the world. You are more than the choices that you make, and you’re more than your past mistakes. You are just… more. So much more than you give yourself credit for.”

 

I started to cry again as Niall spoke, his arms holding me tighter to him the more he spoke. He rested his head on top of mine and I could feel the warmth that came from Niall, a warmth that I’d only ever felt when I was with the Horan’s, or Liam.

 

“It was fate that I came here tonight Lou, it was fate, or maybe it was destiny, maybe it was God, but whatever it was, there was a reason for my overwhelming thoughts. There was a reason I walked through that door at two in the morning, and what it all comes down to is you. You are the reason I was able to hold off on my panic attack until I could find somewhere safe to be, you were the reason I drove half way across town so late at night, you are the reason I can push all the pain I feel aside. You are the reason—and I’m glad it’s you. If I could have chosen anyone in the whole entire world to be my best mate, I’m so glad it’s you.”

 

I said nothing, but I didn’t feel I had to. Words were useless to me right now, and the only thing that truly mattered was the person holding me close and saying all the things I’d always needed to hear. Niall Horan had been my angel when I needed to escape from the hell I’d been raised in, Niall was my person. He was someone I knew I could always count on, no matter how empty inside I felt, Niall could fill me up.

 

 

Niall could fill my void.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for everyone who commented. It's always nice to have feedback.


	28. Night Walks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up and Up by Relient K

**Liam’s POV**

 

 

“Liam, honey… you need to talk to him.”

 

I sighed, sitting down on the sofa and staring off at the blank television screen. I had called Mum because honestly… my conscious had gotten the best of me. I’d been a bit lonely for the last few months and I knew exactly why that was, and it wasn’t because of Louis. I mean, he played a major part in it but there was someone else that I’d pushed out of my life, someone else that I’d left because he’d simply… deserved it.

 

Yet, if he really did, would I honestly feel so guilty?

 

“Mum, I don’t—I don’t know if I can.” I sighed, struggling over my own feelings. I knew I needed to go and talk to him, I needed to mend our broken past, but just the thought of doing that exhausted me. I couldn’t imagine how tiring the actual act in and of itself would be.

 

“Liam James Payne, stop that right now. You can do whatever you put your mind to, and I know you love Harry. He’s been your best mate since—well since everything happened. He’s been there for you, and it’s about time for you to be there for him again. Friends stand by each other, even when you don’t agree with his decisions; you stand by to catch them when they fall. You should have stood beside Harry and been a guiding voice. You should have been there for him Liam, because that’s when he needed you most.”

 

I listened to my Mum’s words and all the guilt that had already been resting on my shoulders seemed to only triple. I’d literally walked away from a friendship that used to mean the world to me because I’d—well there were many reasons. One of the ones I’d told people was simply that I hadn’t agreed with what Harry had done to Niall, that wasn’t exactly the entire truth. There were always many sides to every story and ours… well ours went deeper than that. Harry and I’s story was something that I had tried to brush off as if it never happened in the first place.

 

What kind of best mate does that?

 

“I know Mum, I know I should have been there and I think… I don’t deserve to be back in his life. I literally ditched him and all he had was Louis.” I squeezed my eyes shut tight as I imagined myself in Harry’s place; I didn’t even want to begin to think of how that must have felt. “I was his best mate and I just—I couldn’t do it anymore. He had no one, he practically lost Niall and Louis, no matter how close he is to Harry, Niall will always be his person. Harry had no one, and that’s all my fault.”

 

I gritted my teeth, as my fists clenched together. I honestly was just so angry at myself. I should have been there for Harry; I should have stuck by him like he had always done for me. He was there for me when I wasn’t sure how to go about the whole Louis situation, and by that I mean Louis’ constant flirting when we first met. If it hadn’t been for Harry I probably would have never caught on that Louis actually did like me, I honestly just thought he was a major flirt. I mean, he is but with me it was serious while with everyone else it was just a bit of fun.

 

Without Harry, I would have never noticed that.

 

“Liam, honey, blaming yourself won’t get you Harry back. Thinking about how you did things won’t get Harry you back either. If you don’t want him to be alone any longer, then go and make sure he isn’t. Go and talk him but for God’s sake son, don’t just keep dwelling on the past. You can’t change what you did then all you can do is change what you do now.”

 

I let out a heavy breath that I didn’t even realize I was holding. Harry was alone right now, and when I say that I simply meant he didn’t have me. I wasn’t there for him, and he didn’t know that I even wanted to be. Things were awkward when we were around each other, and I was done with that shit. I was so done with it.

 

“Thanks Mum, I gotta go.”

 

“Liam—don’t ignore him. Don’t ignore your feelings—stop doing that.”

 

I shook my head as my Mother’s words made their way through my head. I had always been good at ignoring things, and sometimes it would get to the point where you simply couldn’t ignore them anymore. There were moments in time where things would hit and the thought of pushing them aside was almost more difficult than facing the problem at hand. I’d created this problem for myself and it was about time that I dealt with it, if not for me then for Harry.

 

“I’m not going to do that Mum, don’t worry. I’ll talk to you later, alright?”

 

It took a little convincing but eventually she hung up, leaving me alone with my thoughts. Zayn had told me it would be a good thing if I opened up, told more people what was really going on in my head, so of course I’d started with my Mum. Mum’s were always a safe place to go, they listened to what you had to say, they tried to solve your problems for you and there was certainly one thing I learned from that conversation—I should have started with Dad.

 

Mum was lovely, but the words she used to convince me of something were sometimes more trouble than they were worth. I’d been planning on getting one of my major inner battles off of my chest, and yet now I was put on a mission. It was nearing eight o’clock and Mum wanted me to march over to Niall and Harry’s flat like it was three in the afternoon. I hadn’t been to their place since everything went down between Harry and Niall, and then ultimately the clash between Harry and myself.

 

Though from what I’d heard, I wasn’t missing much. Louis had even nicknamed their flat the freezer, seeing as the two were as cold as ice to each other, even the air had seemed to freeze as the warmth just evaporated from their relationship. Of course Louis was a bit of a drama queen at times, so I liked to give them the benefit of the doubt.

 

I glanced at my phone as it buzzed, it was from Mum—of course it was—and it was a quote.

 

_“Four things you can’t recover:_

_The stone… after the throw_

_The word… after it’s said._

_The occasion… after it’s missed._

_The time… after it’s gone.”_

**Don’t wait until it’s too late Liam, you both deserve more than what you’ve settle for. You just have to go and get it. I love you. ~ Mum**

 

*

 

I knocked on their door as quietly as possible. I didn’t want to disturb them or anything, but it was also a bit of fear coming through. I was afraid of how Harry would react to this. We’d been best mates for a long time now, but we’d never had any arguments go on for this long. It would take a few days to resolve at most but this—this was something different entirely. I didn’t know what to expect from him, I didn’t know how he would react to me.

 

In the past he’d always been very understanding. Harry was a gentle soul; it was just that his life hadn’t always treated him the way he had desired. He was often afraid of being left behind, and well… that’s exactly what I’d done.

 

I’d left Harry alone when he needed me most.

 

Fuck, I shouldn’t be here. Mum was wrong, he won’t want to see me. I mean how can you get over your best mate abandoning you? Friends should stick by you through everything and I’d just… I’d let my own experiences overshadow Harry’s own insecurities. We were both screwed up in our own ways and I’d just… left him.

 

Why did I leave him?

 

I turned around, my heart racing in my chest. I knew I shouldn’t have come. I knew this was a bad idea. I knew it, I just—

 

“Liam?”

 

I stopped mid-step as his voice rang out through the corridor. I didn’t think they’d heard me. I didn’t think I’d knocked loud enough. I glanced back to see Harry had a scarf wrapped around his neck, his keys in hand and a beanie already smashed on top of his head. He looked ready to be gone for a while, and if I knew Harry well enough I’d say he was going out for a brisk walk—something was on his mind.

 

“Hey Harry…” I trailed off, bringing my hand up to run through my hair sighing heavily in the process. “Going for a walk?”

 

He stared at me dubiously for a minute before nodding his head. He was always a creature of habit and often times when he’d go for a walk he’d end up at my place, his words finally ready to come spilling out as he made it to my doorstep. He hadn’t done that in a long time, and I hadn’t really thought about it much. It seemed he hadn’t stopped doing it, and the thought of him going on a walk with no end destination somehow made my heart drop into my stomach with guilt. He should have been able to stop by my place. He should have had me there for him.

 

I was supposed to be there.

 

“Mind if I join you?”

 

I don’t know where those words came from but I’m glad somewhere inside of me I had the courage to reach out to him again. If I’d consciously thought of that question I’d probably never have gotten it out, but it had slipped out subconsciously and I was very grateful that my subconscious seemed to have more sense than I did.

 

“Uh—no, I don’t mind.” He shook his head about, and I just smiled a bit before following after him to the lifts.

 

It was a silent ride down, but it wasn’t unpleasant. There was an undercurrent of something but it wasn’t suffocating exactly, it was just slightly unsettling. It was like the world understood that we weren’t exactly the same people we used to be, but it was giving us a moment to be around each other without anxiety.

 

I was very thankful for that.

 

“How are things with you?” Harry asked as we made it outside, the streets still bustling about with people, but it was the fact that he asked me first that threw me off. I had thought I’d have to be the one to reach out, but it seemed Harry was still… Harry.

 

He was still kind, and polite. He still smiled with those dimpled cheeks of his, it was just a little smaller than it used to be. He nodded at every person we walked by out of courtesy, even if they didn’t even acknowledge him back. Harry was just… kind. He always had been, and it seemed that no matter what—he always would be.

 

“Things are… well they’re complicated.” I let out, my words sliding out easier than I had anticipated. “I don’t really have any room to complain though, seeing as I am the one who made it that way.”

 

“Everyone always has room to complain, you just have to find the right person to complain to is all.” There was a faint smile on Harry’s lips as we turned a corner making our way further away from his flat and deeper into the heart of London.

 

“I have no right to complain Harry; I’m not going to start complaining when it’s all my fault. What does that say about me?”

 

We paused for a minute, waiting to cross the street as Harry thought over my words in a way that only Harry can. He started forward and didn’t answer my question until we were well across the street. Harry was always thoughtful when giving advice and it seemed that had still yet to change. He was just as slow about it as always, but that was alright. He was Harry, and that’s just who Harry was.

 

“It says you’re human Liam, and humans make mistakes.”

 

I blinked hard at that, it was like he knew exactly why I was here. Harry was more intuitive than I seemed to have remembered, but he also seemed more solemn than usual, it was like somehow his spirit had been broken and no matter how many people he smiled at you could see the difference. There was a change in him and I didn’t like it. I didn’t like to see him like this, like some broken man who gave more to the world than the world gave to him.

 

“Why are you walking?” Harry’s head snapped towards me, and I knew he hadn’t been expecting that. He hadn’t thought I’d gone on this walk for him and that—well that hurt. “You always go on walks when you’re overwhelmed, so what is it? Is it about Niall?”

 

Silly question really, seeing as everything that was up with Harry seemed to be about Niall, or at least ever since he met Niall. The first time he took a walk to my flat after he met Niall he’d gushed about a beautiful blue eyed, blond haired fellow(at the time he’d been totally oblivious to the brown roots) who laughed like he’d invented it. The second time had been a little less joyful, apparently Niall had a boyfriend and Harry—well he didn’t exactly like the bloke. I wasn’t sure why exactly but I think it had more to do with the fact that Niall was taken than the fact that his boyfriend was an ass; of course in the end it turned out that both were true. He’d taken many walks to my flat and our conversations always found their way back to Niall, until eventually it was happiness that had driven Harry from his flat instead of sorrow.

 

“He uh—I told him. I told him everything.” Harry glanced down at the ground now, and started walking right.

 

“Everything?” I asked, my eyes screwing together in confusion, I wasn’t following.

 

“Yeah, everything.” He glanced over at me before shaking his head a bit, and bringing his fingers up to his mouth, chewing on them. “Dad—he came to the wedding. In July he um… he showed up and Liam I just—I snapped. You saw it, I mean it may have been subtle at first but you saw it and I just… I hate him. I really hate him Liam and now I’ve gone and let him ruin my life even more.”

 

I blinked in surprise. I hadn’t seen Des at the wedding, actually I hadn’t seen quite a few people, but then again I was doing my best to keep Louis away from the bar and to keep his hands to himself—at least while we were in public. I hadn’t spent much time worrying about Harry because honestly I thought Niall had him. I thought Niall would be able to watch over him just fine on his own.

 

“What did he say?”

 

“Dad?” Harry rasped, his voice coming out thick, a sure sign of the tears that were most likely forming in his eyes. “He um… he said hello, and that he missed me but—Liam I just, I couldn’t, you know? It was like everything he was saying didn’t register, and then he mentioned Mum and how he wished her and Robin the best and I just… I remembered how he used to be the best thing for her, ya know? Like Dad was everything Mum had ever wanted and—and then I caught sight of Niall and it was… it was stupid but he was talking to his old fling Rick? And I just… I got scared so I—I pushed away the best thing that had ever happened to me.”

 

“You mean you…” I stopped abruptly as I bumped into Harry, he’d stopped in what seemed to be the middle of the street but was really… the front of my complex. “What are we doing here?”

 

Harry didn’t answer me, he simply stared up at the building for a minute before turning around and making his way back. I stood there for a moment before it hit me. When it did, I’d never felt like a bigger dick in my entire life.

 

He walked to me, but he never came in.

 

Harry walked to my flat but he never… holy shit.

 

“Harry!” I yelled, turning around as I caught sight of his jacket about to turn the corner. He wasn’t far, and it wasn’t some long distance to him or anything, but I still ran to him. I still sprinted as fast as I could to the only person I had back when I was living in my own personal hell. I ran towards him without a second thought because Harry still came to me.

 

Harry still needed me, and like hell I wasn’t going to be there for him.

 

When I reached him I hardly had time to stop myself before I was dragging him towards me with more force than necessary but then again, this was Harry and he needed me. Harry still needed me, and I was going to be there for him like I should have been all along. I wasn’t going to leave him like everyone else had—except Niall. I wasn’t going to make him go through this alone, I was done with being a shit best mate.

 

“I’m sorry—I’m sorry I gave up on you Harry.” I gasped, the words tumbling out of my mouth in a tidal wave and I couldn’t have stopped them even if I had wanted to. “You’re my best mate, and I’m sorry that I wasn’t there. I should have been there, but… I’m here now so just—don’t give up on me either.”

 

Harry didn’t respond but the grip he had on my shirt was more than enough for me. He held me tight to his body and I wasn’t sure when he started crying. It could have been on our walk, or maybe while he was staring up at my building. It could have begun at any moment, but for the first time in months I was holding him close to me again.

 

I was being the friend I should have always been.


	29. Curve Balls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Times by Tenth Avenue North

**Zayn’s POV**

 

“Babe, she wants to talk to you, you can’t just keep—“

 

 

“Per, I can and I will. I’m not going to talk to either of them, I can’t alright?” I cut her off mid-sentence my patience swaying as she once again brought up this sore subject. My family and I just weren’t meant to get on with each other; I’d finally given into that fact. Perrie just didn’t seem to understand it quite as well as I did. She hadn't lived it, she would never truly understand.

 

"Zayn I just..." She paused, her expression softening as she caught sight of the look on my face. "I want you to be happy, and I know you are but--you want them back, I know you do. You have to fight to get them back babe. You have to fight so that once and for all you can make them see the man you are today because that man--that man is beautiful, and I love him more than anything in the world. I know that they would too, if only they could see the person I see every single day."

 

I bit my lip, Perrie's words making their way through my head at a slow pace. It wasn't like she hadn't said such sweet things to me before but she'd never brought my family into it. She was always more vocal about how much she loved me, not about why she loved me. It wasn't that she needed to say stuff like that all the time but every now and again a person needs reassurance and Perrie was that to me, she gave me what I needed, she was what kept me together. Ed was my man but Perrie was my girl and I was beyond lucky to get her.

 

"I love you Perrie." I whispered the only words that seemed to be floating through my subconscious in that moment, and she simply looked at me and smiled that beautiful and sweet smile of hers.

 

"I know."

 

It was moments like these that kept me going, moments when I knew that what I felt for her was just as deep as what she felt for me. We didn't hide our feelings for each other, we let them out--we let the whole world see, and that was the truth of it. Feelings need to be spoken and shown, they need to have many different outlets and simply using one is not enough. I'd learned that through my years of Uni, I'd learned that the best way to show someone you loved them wasn't simply to show them with actions, but with words, sentiments, promises, and control. It takes a certain level of control to be in a steady relationship.

 

You can never give up, you both just need to be willing to fight.

 

Perrie left for her girls night out not twenty minutes later, while I also left. Sometimes the night air on your face is all you need, but a destination is also a good thing to have. I didn't feel like spending my night inside and alone. I knew there was one person who was up and about, one other person who kept me sane even when my mind was at its worst, so I left with the simple thought of seeing Ed.

 

At least that was my plan, but sometimes life likes to throw curve balls, and I'd certainly found mine.

 

I was walking past the park that led to Ed's complex, but what I saw wasn't exactly what I was expecting. The air was brisk and it was late, not many folks were out, but there was one lad sitting on the swing. He wasn't moving, but instead he was simply staring up at the sky like in it he would simply find all the answers to his problems. I recognized that look, and I found myself changing my direction suddenly because I remembered that feeling and I felt like it was time that I truly be there for someone else.

 

No matter how many clients I have, they are always clients. They pay for my advice, for my help and therefore the sentiment of my actions just isn't the same. It isn't the same as talking to a mate about a problem, or having a stranger lend an ear to you, no matter how hard I tried to convey that atmosphere what it all came down to was that when I was on duty I was never being truly selfless with my time.

 

I could be different now.

 

With that thought in mind, I made my way over towards the empty swing beside the man that I knew had been put through the ringer. He didn't make note of my presence, but it was clear he knew I was there. His eyes were trained on the sky but that was alright with me, the moon was rather breathtaking tonight anyways, so there was no reason to look away.

 

"What's on your mind Niall?"

 

There was just something about Niall, and I'm certain that anyone who had ever met the lad had seen it as well. He was so easy to talk to, that day I ran into him outside of Ed's flat had to be the day that I truly saw how far he'd fallen. I saw a side of Niall that I never wanted to forget. He seemed like a rather fun lad, and I just wished to see more of him. I bet that had I met Niall years ago under different circumstances there would be no doubt in my mind that we would have been mates. It was like there was a certain aura surrounding Niall that just reeled people in, and I was certainly no exception to that, not one bit.

 

"Have you ever built your walls so high, so thick, so encompassing that you don't even know how to get out? It's like the way you deal with your emotions has changed so entirely that you don't even know how to properly be yourself anymore?"

 

I sighed, my breath echoing in white puffs in front of my face. Nights like these were meant to be spent inside curled up close to the person you loved, not outside in the cold turning numb from the cool temperature. Niall should be seated beside Harry at this exact moment, but instead he was out in the cold fighting to free himself from the invisible chains that were spun around him so tightly he was losing the battle without even realizing it.

 

"Yeah, I have." I turned my head up towards the sky as well, taking in the sight of the large moon overhead. "You just need to find someone to help pull you out. Everyone is different, and finding yourself isn't easy but you can never do it alone, that's like setting yourself up for failure already. You need to have people who have got your back to lean on. You've got Louis don't you?"

 

Niall smiled at that, but it wasn't what I was expecting. It was more sad, and solemn looking than happy. Niall just kept surprising me time after time after time. I wasn't sure if he was simply in a mood or if something had gone down between him and Louis, though that seemed rather unlikely to me. You could never be truly sure, no matter what you'd witnessed.

 

"I can't put my shit on him. He's got more than enough of his own to deal with, that would just be selfish of me." He sighed, his swing moving gently in the breeze.

 

I stared at him curiously for a minute. Most people were rather selfish. They thought of themselves more than they thought of others. It was all about them, and if someone else's needs got in the way of their own, well they were usually quick to drop them. I'd witnessed more than enough of the people that looked out for themselves and they were ugly. They lived like the world really did revolve around them. It was so wrong, people like that made life so much harder for everyone else.

 

You have to care about others to live life to the fullest, sometimes you have to put someone else before you in order to be a person worth knowing. People are so focused on themselves that when you do stumble upon the rare person who will ask you more questions about you than they will answer about themselves, you don't let them go. You hold on tight because they are a rare species, and they are worth a million of those people that spend their lives thinking of only themselves.

 

Yet, in that there needs to be a balance.

 

"You have to have an outlet somewhere Niall. It's good that you are putting Louis' needs in front of your own, but you have needs as well. You can't take the world on by yourself and fix everyone else's problems at the same time. You need to find a balance, and that balance is necessary to fixing your shit."

 

It was silent for a while as we both sat beside each other just taking in each other's presence. I didn't usually converse with clients outside of work but Niall, there was just something about him and Harry. There was something between that was so rare that even though I usually tried not to take my work home with me I simply couldn't help it. They needed my help and they were certainly going to get it, one way or another.

 

"I don't--I can't. I have--I have no one to go to." Niall's broken voice caught my attention as it pierced through the dreary evening, the moon now hiding behind the drifting clouds cutting off the most prominent light source, making it impossible to see Niall's face in the darkness. "Louis was my person, he's the one I've always talked to when I needed it, but then I met Harry and he's Harry. He's this wonderful man and when he was interested in me I didn't get it, I didn't know why but I went with it. I thought that I'd have him while I could before--before he got bored with me and left, or cheated, or pulled some dickhead move just like every one of my other boyfriends. Harry though, he didn't. He stayed and things fell into place and my heart fell into his hands and suddenly Louis wasn't the one I went to, it was Harry."

 

He took a shuddering breath, his arms jingling around the chains as he shuffled about. I simply waited, knowing there was more to come. There was obviously more to come, we were only scratching the surface here, but it seemed Niall's past wasn't quite as smooth as I thought it had been. It wasn't quite the perfect shading that he made everyone think it was. He had a past as well, he had his own problems, and it seemed like he was finally going to let them come out.

 

"And then things went to shit and I've just--I locked myself up because feeling anything is like a stab to the God damned chest." His words were starting to change, the passion he was speaking with earlier turning into a low rumble. "He admitted what he did, he knows it was wrong, and he loves me. Why can't that be enough? Why can't that fix everything? Why is it so hard to look at him still? Why do those words still circulate through my mind? Why can't I just fucking let him back in? I'm done fighting, I can't fight anymore. There's no battle to wage, no person to blame, no moment to do over. He's trying, he wants me but--I can't stop remembering. I can't Zayn and it's killing me. It's killing me down to my very core and I just--I love him, I love him so God damned much that I've held on and--and--"

 

He was screaming by the time the last word fell from his mouth. His shadow was shaking helplessly in the swing and his sobs were louder than the roaring traffic. He was breaking, Niall was breaking apart right beside me and all I could do was hold him and be there for him.

 

"Niall, shh--Niall." He was shaking, his entire body was shaking and I just held him closer to me, my heart constricting in my chest and I couldn't help but feel so utterly hopeless.

 

I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how to help him--for once I had no answer, this was something only Niall could fix.

 

"I can't hold him anymore. I want to hold him--I never wanted to stop." Niall continued on, his words breaking with every syllable, but I simply continued to listen. "I want to kiss him, I want him to make me feel better, but he--he doesn't. I don't feel better when I'm around him anymore. I just want him to be the one that holds me Zayn. I just want Harry, I've only ever just simply wanted... Harry."

 

"He wants you too, you know that right? He wants you Niall." I was searching my brain to try and think of something to do, some perfect thing to tell him, but all I could think was that Harry loved Niall and Niall loved Harry and if they fought hard enough that was all they really needed.

 

"I do--I mean, I think I do." He moved back from me, his face cast in shadows as the moon began to peak out once more from behind the clouds. "I know what he says, I've listened to him but... I feel so inadequate. I feel like one word or move is going to drive him away again. I can't lose him Zayn, I just--I don't want to. Harry isn't necessary to my survival, nor my happiness, but he's that extra bonus. He's like a Christmas present that keeps giving all year long. He's like a light that never goes out, or a sunny day that is just right. When Harry's Harry he's everything I could ever want and more."

 

I nodded slowly, thinking of all the reason why Niall loved him and all the reasons why Niall was afraid of loving him again, because in the end that's exactly what it came down to. Niall was afraid to be with Harry again, because the way Harry made Niall feel for months just... took over. Niall loves him, it's plain as day, but loving someone who has cut a wound so deeply into your skin is not an easy task. Being hurt and staying is almost like you're asking to be hurt again, and Niall... Niall seemed to understand that, and he simply didn't know how to stay--but he didn't know how to leave either.

 

Niall was stuck in a position that left his future with Harry up in the air.

 

"Niall, what it comes down to is one question really. It may seem simple but there are so many different sides to view it from, there are so many different ways to answer and if you have to think about it, even a little bit the answer will not be Harry. If you hesitate then in the end you know, you know what you two had is just that--it's what you had. And just like you said, it was another relationship that wasn't meant to be. You were cheated on, you've been hurt before by others in different ways than how Harry has hurt you. You know what you're willing to take, and what you're not, so really it comes down to the person."

 

"What do you mean?"

 

I backed away from Niall, putting my hand on his shoulder in a way of comfort. What I was about to say could seriously sabotage my sessions with Harry and Niall. I wanted the best for them, just like anyone else, but if they were going to work for a future together than they both had to believe in it, obviously Niall wasn't quite as confident as he'd played off. He was just as unsure about his future with Harry as Harry was about Niall leaving him.

 

When it came to the two them, fear was a major roadblock.

 

"I mean you aren't with the man that cheated on you, obviously he wasn't worth it to fix things. He wasn't worth your time, or at least that's what it would seem like. You said you've had past relationships that have failed before, and you hadn't gone to therapy to fix those. Obviously there is something here that you are fighting for, whether it be closure, or reconciliation, only you can truly answer that question. But there is one question I have for, and you don't have to tell me, but you'll know the answer, you'll know it right away and that will tell you everything you need to know. You know Niall, deep down you know so you just have to be honest with yourself and you can fix your problems."

 

He looked up at me with the biggest blue eyes I'd ever seen, they were red rimmed and full of a deep seeded sadness that made my heart ache for him. Niall didn't deserve this pain that he was feeling, he was such a good person, and I hoped that he would realize that and release himself from the chains that he'd wrapped so tightly around himself.

 

"Is Harry worth it?"


	30. Thank You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be Alright by Lucy Rose

**Louis' POV**

 

There are days when all you want to do is lay in bed and never move again. Those days make the thought of leaving your house as exciting as pulling off all of your fingernails. You don't want to do anything, you don't want to see anyone you just want a bit of peace. You want to bask in a silence and let your thoughts go, don't think, don't do, just exist. If you can have just one simple day like that then you can continue on.

 

You can live, if you just exist for a while.

 

When Niall left a few hours ago I just decided that I would simply exist tonight. I couldn't handle any more thinking, not tonight at least. It was all just piling up on top of me and the thought of thinking any more about what had gone wrong with Liam and I, well it didn't sit well with me. I couldn't continue to dwell on the past if I was to move forward in the present, and the past seemed to be all I could think about lately.

 

It wasn't like there weren't good memories, we certainly had plenty of those. Liam was always fun to be around, especially when he let loose. He had to have been the most handsome man I'd ever had the pleasure of knowing and then when things finally started to heat up, he was all I could think about. Liam was the man that took over my thoughts as well as my life and I was completely alright with it. At the time I'd been slowly moving up in the world of football and Liam had been there with me every step of the way. He was mine, and I was so God damned happy about that that I could have been doing anything and he still would have made it the best moments of my life.

 

Liam made any moment worth it.

 

I'd only been laying down on the sofa for a few hours when there was a knock at my door. It was soft and hesitant but it was still a knock. I thought about ignoring it, but then I remembered how bad Niall had been when he came over earlier and he left before I could even talk to him about it, so I just got up and went to answer it. My mind had already disregarded my plans of doing nothing, because if Niall needed me then doing nothing was a rather boring perspective.

 

"I hurt someone."

 

Those were the first words out of Liam's mouth when I opened the door. He didn't look so hot, his hair was messed up, and it looked as if he'd walked over here from his place. It took me a couple of seconds to process his words, but when I did I simply frowned, confused beyond belief about what he was talking about.

 

"I hurt someone badly." My eyes widened, as I slowly opened the door wider for him, allowing him to entire our--my flat.

 

"Just now? Liam, are you alright? What happened?" I rushed, my hands gripping his arms tightly and pulling him towards the sofa, settling him down as gently as I could manage. My eyes scanned over his body as I did so, but I didn't see any signs of a fight, he looked just as beautiful as he always had. Actually, a few bruises would probably be pretty hot on him now that I--focus, Louis God.

 

"No, Louis just--not today. It wasn't anytime recently actually." He mumbled, his eyes downcast as he sat there, I was resting on the edge of the coffee table watching him carefully, studying him for any signs of, well, anything really. "It was years ago, before I met you."

 

I was silent then, simply watching him. I had no idea what he was talking about, nor why he was telling me this, but it had to be important. Liam wasn't one to waste his words, each one meant something different, something important. Liam was a man of few words, but they were always meaningful, so you had to really listen to them. It wasn't every day that Liam would come barging in claiming to have hurt somebody, fuck it wasn't every day Liam came over and talked about anything. Seventy-two times of being blown off really does hit home after a while, but the fact that he was here willingly right at this moment, it meant something, it meant a lot of something.

 

"I moved to Wolverhampton when I was fifteen." He started slowly, taking a deep breath as he did so, and keeping me quite literally on the edge of my seat. "It all started then you know? Nothing bad had happened to me before, nothing of importance anyways. My family was fine, I'd discovered I'd enjoyed the image of a boy kissing me more than a girl, I had loving sisters, a great home environment, everything was great."

 

His smile was bittersweet, like he was reminiscing on something that he loved and yet hated all the same. He glanced up at me then, and I caught sight of those beautiful brown eyes of his flooding with unshed tears, but I couldn't find it in myself to move forwards and hold him. I couldn't find it in myself to move at all actually.

 

"Then I started school, and just--Louis you have to understand, I'd never really had a hardship before. I wasn't--my life wasn't like yours. I didn't know how to deal with problems, at all. My problems had always been small and insignificant, and I felt like voicing them out loud was equivalent to whining about the kind of cereal I was eating when I had twenty to chose from, while someone else was digging around in a garbage can trying to find something to eat. It seemed selfish to me, and so I just... never spoke up."

 

He started picking at his jeans and I knew right then that he was looking for courage. He was digging deep inside of himself to find a way to tell me what he felt the need to tell me. Everything was feeling a bit surreal to me, Liam was talking about things he'd never confided in me before. He was opening up and I was just shocked down to my core because this had been what I'd wanted forever.

 

This was all I wanted.

 

"When I started school, I um--I started to get bullied."

 

My reaction was immediate, though most likely undecipherable. My fists clenched tightly together, my stomach began to churn with a fire I hadn't felt in what felt like years. I'd learned that anger never solved anything but this immediate rage I felt towards whoever touched, or hurt Liam in any way, shape, or form was strong. No one was allowed to hurt Liam, not even me. No one was to lay a finger on him, and the knowledge that someone had in the past, hurt me more than I even knew was possible.

 

"It started out small, just like anything: I was tripped, knocked into, small stuff. Then the words started and they changed form. I was no longer touched physically, because well physical wounds could have repercussions, so they started in on me psychologically. I don't know why they did it, and I really don't care to know--not anymore. However, the words they spoke often hit closer to home than I'd like to have imagined. I didn't make friends easily and I don't know why, but when you're alone people can be quite cruel and just... it was bad Lou--it was really bad."

 

He stopped then, his eyes squeezed shut tight. My heart was racing, my blood rushing in my chest, and all I could do was sit there and watch as Liam relived memories that I couldn't even imagine. I may have had past hurts in my life, but everyone had hurts. Everyone dealt with things in their own ways, and had their own struggles, and what Liam didn't seem to understand was that even though his struggles may pale in comparison to someone else, that didn't mean they didn't matter. His pain mattered, he mattered and he didn't seem to understand that.

 

Or maybe... maybe he was starting to.

 

"It went on for months, and I just sort of introverted. I learned to deal with things on my own because the thought of inconveniencing someone else just wasn't right in my head. I didn't want anyone to carry my burdens for me so I stayed silent and took it until--until I simply couldn't take it any longer."

 

His posture was ridged and I was willing to bet mine was no better. We were both hardly breathing the air was filled with a sort of tenseness that had never been between the two of us before. The situation was strange and reserved, and yet I was so filled with pride for Liam I honestly didn't know what to do with myself. He was being so strong and finally opening up. He was opening himself up to me and I couldn't have felt more loved by him than I did in this very moment.

 

"I snapped, one day everything that had built up finally hit a wall and I just... I couldn't take it any longer. I started to fight back, except this time instead of using my words, I used my fists. I took my anger out in a way that I'd never even dreamed of before. I used all the skills my trainers had taught me and I used it in such a way that I physically hurt people." He was crying now, we both were as I felt every emotion that Liam was feeling for him. "It wasn't until later that evening that everything sunk in, the reality of the situation. Mum and Dad were so surprised, everyone was surprised. I'd never mentioned anything happening. I didn't talk about it and then suddenly I was attacking people. It was like to everyone else I'd acted out of character, and I had but it was only because the situation built up to such a degree that I couldn't contain myself any longer."

 

I finally reached out to him, my hand resting on his, and he was rather quick to flip his over and intertwine our fingers together, not that I minded. I held onto him and he held onto me but he wasn't finished yet, he continued on and I was blown away with every single word he said to me. Everything Liam was doing in this moment, it was for me. It was his way of making up for all those times he'd left things unsaid, he was opening himself up to me completely and I was so proud.

 

I was overwhelmed with him, in the best of ways.

 

"And ever since that time, I've been afraid Lou." He was whispering, his voice lower than I expected and yet I was still able to hear him. I was able to make out what he was saying and I wasn't sure if it was because I was in tuned to his voice, or if he was simply speaking louder than I thought and the blood rushing in my ears made it sound softer. "I don't know when I'll snap. I don't want to ever snap like that again and I've been so afraid of it happening to someone else, that I just started doing things instead of saying things."

 

"What? What do you mean doing things?"

 

It was all a lot to take in but what Liam had just said made no sense to me at all. I didn't know what or how he meant that. I just listened and went with it, but suddenly questions were arising and I'd once again found my voice, making it possible to ask the questions I'd acquired out loud again.

 

"Whenever I'd leave during one of my stoic silences I went to the gym. I'd work out my aggression's, or feelings on a punching bag. I made sure that I'd never hurt another person again like I hurt those people before. I don't like violence, and the thought of me hurting someone else makes me sick to my stomach." He paused momentarily, his eyes shooting up to mine and they were so clear, so sincere I didn't know what to do with myself. "The thought that I could hurt you Louis just freaks the shit out of me, so I made sure I never would. I don't ever want a repeat situation to happen, and so I leave and in the process I hurt you and I'm so God damned sorry. I'm so sorry Louis, I didn't mean to hurt you."

 

"Liam..."

 

I moved then, my limbs no longer locked, my ass no longer glued to the edge of the table as I shot myself into Liam's lap, my arms wrapping themselves so tightly around Liam I thought we were going to mold into one person. He didn't even flinch, just caught me all the same, his own arms encircling my waste in a way only Liam knew how to achieve. I buried my head into his shoulder, simply breathing him in, and suddenly the world didn't seem so bleak. Liam didn't leave because he didn't want to be around me, but because he loved me. I could work with that, I really could.

 

I was worth more to him than I even knew, and that made it all hurt a bit less.

 

"Louis, I miss you so much, did you know that?" He spoke into my shoulder, his own head buried into my shoulder as well. "I miss waking up to your silly antics, or seeing you dance around the flat in a towel. I miss being around you, and I miss touching you like this--like anything really. I miss us, I miss us so much Louis that it hurts when I don't see you everyday. It hurts when I remember how things used to be, it just all... well it doesn't feel right to sleep in a bed alone. It hasn't felt alright since the first night I spent with you."

 

"Liam, you honestly just gave me everything I needed, you used your words and you spoke them aloud to me and I'm so grateful for that, and I just... my Liam is back." I was crying, I was crying so hard, but it wasn't sadness that was making these tears fall but instead a happiness that I hadn't felt in such a long time. I hadn't been this happy in so many months and now... Liam was back.

 

My Liam was coming back to me.

 

"I've always been your Liam Lou, I'll always be your Liam." He whispered and I felt it, deep down I felt that what he was saying was nothing short of the truth. "I've been taking private sessions with Zayn."

 

Now that was certainly something I hadn't been expecting, but the words felt amazing all the same. Liam was working on not only fixing what was wrong between us, but what was wrong with himself as well. Liam was getting help and that--God that felt good. It felt so good to just know that Liam was trying to be Liam again.

 

"They've been helping, and I um... I talked to Harry earlier."

 

This confession had me physically pushing him back, a smile spreading across my face as I had to just laugh at the irony of it all. Liam was fixing shit between Harry as well as himself and me. He had one hell of a full plate on his hands, and yet he seemed to be making it all alright in his own way, and at his own pace.

 

"I had Mum more to thank for that than anyone else but Louis--God it feels good to be able to talk to him again. It's like a piece of me has come back to life and I just, I'm feeling free. I feel like I could fly and so I just--I couldn't wait to see you any longer. I couldn't keep putting this off because you not only deserved to know the truth, for once in my life I wanted to tell someone the truth--I wanted to tell you."

 

"Thank you, thank you for being brave and telling me the truth." I whispered, while he simply held me tighter.

 

"Thank you Louis, thank you for not giving up on me--ever."


	31. Misery Loves Company

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Say It Now by We The Kings

**Niall's POV**

 

"Harry! Harry!" I scream as I slam into our flat. He isn't sitting in the front room so I don't even stop, I just continue on, dropping my things as I go. "Harry!"

 

It doesn't take long for him to come running to me, his face worn with alarm and his eyes wide as he takes in my appreance. I look like shit, I have no doubt that's what he's staring at. I mean I've just been crying my fucking eyes out and I can hardly breathe, but he's in front of me. Harry is there, he's right there and I just--I need him. I need him to talk to me, I need to talk to him I can't--I can't keep going on like this, I just... can't.

 

"Niall? What's wrong? What happened? Are you hurt?" His voice is low with concern his eyes wide as he steps forward to examine me, but he stops short, unsure if he should or shouldn't touch me.

 

I'm still crying. It's like a dam has broken and I couldn't stop these stupid things even if I tried. Zayn was right, he was right about everything. I knew the answer, I knew it all along I just didn't want to own up to it. I didn't want to have anything to do with this. I didn't want to let go, the thought itself was enough to paralyze me completely.

 

"I'm fine I just--Harry please, please I need you to tell me you love me. I need to hear it, please say it, just--please." My words are flowing desperately from my mouth. I sound like a pathetic mess but Harry doesn't look at me like I am. He doesn't act like I'm being ridiculous. He doesn't make it seem like everything I'm doing is crazy. Instead his eyes take on a sort of fondness and soften before he moves forward a bit more, not quite at touching distance but close enough, for the moment at least.

 

"I love you Niall." He says, and the way the words roll off his tongue so eaisly just make my tears fall faster. "I love you today, I loved you yesterday, I'll love you until the day I die. I love you, only you and I promise I always will."

 

My legs are wobbling, the room is spinning but his words are as clear as ever. I'm losing it, slowly but surely I'm losing it--I'm breaking and Harry's the only person who can catch me. He's the only person with enough of me to save me from myself. I need him to save me. I can't save myself, not right now.

 

"Ha-arry." I sob, my legs giving out below me as I sink towards the floor.

 

He's quick as a flash, in front of me before I even know what's happening. His eyes are wide with fear and I can't help but sob even harder. This shouldn't be happening, we shouldn't be like this. This should have never happened to us. Harry loved me, and I loved him and that's all we ever needed. That's all we'll ever need, at least that should have been. It should have been enough.

 

"Niall, baby are you alright? You're scaring me love, what's going on? Did something happen?" His voice is frantic, his hands are skirting about me, not touching but shaking slightly in a way that makes it seem like he's barely restraining himself. The thing is, I don't want him to restrain himself. I can't do this anymore. I can't live like this anymore.

 

"Please just--tell me you love me." I hickup, my collar soaking through as the tears run down my face and past my neck. I have to look a million shades of awful but Harry doesn't even flinch, as he once again talks to me in that voice so soft and smooth I have to close my eyes to truly appreciate it.

 

"I love you Niall James Horan, and I always will." This time my arms reach out of their own accord, latching onto the small piece of him I can find without looking, and he takes that as a sign. His arms encirlce me with a warmth that only Harry has, a comfort only Harry could give. "I love you. I love you so much. I'm sorry for everything I said that made you doubt me. I'm sorry I doubted us. I'm sorry I didn't show you how much you meant to me like I should have, but I still loved you. I loved you then, and I love you now. I just... I love you."

 

I have no words worth speaking, he's honestly said them all. Harry has said every word that I've needed to hear for months. He's being Harry and doing it in a way that always made my heart flutter. He's whispering sweet nothings into my ear and holding me to him just as tight as he used to. He isn't hesitating, he's simply doing. He's in motion, and that motion is slowly taking me with him. I love him, I love him so much that this hurts in the best of ways. It hurts like a smile hurts after it's been on your face all day, it hurts like your stomach aches after laughing too hard for a long period of time. It's satisfying and rewarding and just--it's love.

 

And in that moment I knew my gut was right, Harry really was worth it.

 

"You know, the first time I met you I thought you were beautiful?"

 

I glanced up at him then, surprised by the turn of events but not disappointed by them either. It was a good surprise.

 

"I was at the bar grabbing us all some drinks and you walked in late. I didn't even know you were the person I was supposed to meet at the time, I just couldn't stop staring. You walked like you didn't have care in the world and you smiled like nothing I'd ever seen before. You were perfect, and even now that I've discovered all your flaws, you're still just as perfect, because your flaws make you Niall, and that right there is already perfect."

 

My hands gripped the back of his shirt tight in my fists, and I nestled my face into the crook of his neck making myself comfortable as we sat upon the ground. I tried to control my breathing as Harry continued to talk to me in that sweet voice of his. He was taking us on a journey through the past and it hurt so much to remember, but then it also burned and seared its way into my mind with a certain spark that was lighting a fire. It was like Harry was setting us aflame once more. Where we had been so ice cold before, he was slowly bringing warmth to our relationship. Harry's words could have been used to tear me apart, but instead they did the polar opposite. All those memories were slowly sewing me back together. Harry was piecing me back together with how beautiful things used to be. In retrospect our entire past was being tainted by a time that wasn't even close to comparing to the amount of good memories we had together.

 

Yes, what Harry said hurt me, it really did, but it didn't hurt so much anymore. What he said wasn't forgotten but sitting here I realized it could be learned from. We learned so many lessons in those months of seperation. We learned that we can live without one another but we don't necessarily want to. We learned that sometimes it's better to talk things out than to let them simmer below the surface until it blows up. Most of all we learned that we won't give up, at least not on each other.

 

"I love you."

 

My words were quiet and hoarse but Harry heard them, at least if the abrupt stop to his monologue was anything to go by. I just felt like it was time. It was time for me to stop shutting him out and if I was going to finally open myself back up to him, I had to start somewhere. I didn't know what I was doing nor how I was supposed to be doing it but something had shifted in me earlier tonight and it was time that I let Harry back into my life, and I decided to start simple and slowly work our way up.

 

Harry holding me was certainly simple enough.

 

"What happened?" Harry asked, his cheek pressed into my hair as his hands drew circular patterns onto my shoulders. "I mean, I know you said that you were ready to move on but you haven't exactly been acting like that, and for a minute I thought..."

 

I sighed heavily before taking a deep breath and I was just hit with a scent that I honestly hadn't been close to in what felt like years. He was holding me again, just like I wanted. This was exactly what I had wanted. I didn't need anything more than this in this exact moment. Harry having his arms wrapped around me was enough, it was more than enough and it was time to fight to get back what we had. I'd been fighting to let him go for so long now that I almost forgot what it was that I actually needed to be doing. I forgot all about how much I loved Harry as I focused on all the things he said to me that made me feel less than worthy to be with him.

 

I just...forgot.

 

"I had an epiphany of sorts, to say the least." I whispered into his neck as Harry crained his head in an attempt to get a good look at me. "This whole time, no matter what I said or did, I was fighting with the intent to let you go. I was going through session after session with the thought that this was the last one. I loved you Harry, but that didn't cover all the hurt I felt because of you as well. So I went to see Louis but he--well he was in a state and it just didn't feel right to unload all of my shit onto him so after we talked I just... went to the park."

 

Harry's grip on me had tightened as the story progressed, my words most likely doing more damage than I'd have liked them to. We hadn't reached the important part yet though, so I wasn't going to give him an approtunity to defend himself, not yet at least. He had nothing to be worried about, not really--not anymore.

 

"I just sat on a swing and was thinking, or rather over thinking every little thing and then Zayn showed up." I laughed at that, the irony of the situation not lost on me. "And it was just like--I'm ready."

 

I closed my eyes again, and leaned into Harry as gently as I could. I wanted to cuddle up to him, and have him hold me forever. I just wanted Harry to hold me like things hadn't changed, and everything was alright between us. It obviously wasn't but for just tonight I wanted to forget our past and fall into his arms and loose myself in a world full of sleep only to wake up tomorrow with Harry beside me. He should always be beside me when I wake up, he should have never stopped being there.

 

"Ready for what?"

 

I sighed then, cracking my eyes open just wide enought to meet his own, and he looked nervous, though he had no reason to be nervous, at least not anymore. We were going to figure things out, I was going to figure things out with him and that's all we needed.

 

"I'm ready to move on now, I think we both are."

 

*

 

We slept in the same bed last night.

 

It may not seem like a lot, but for us that was a big deal. We hadn't been this close in months and having hold me close like he did while we both fell asleep and then to wake up to him beside me this morning was just... surreal.

 

We were fully clothed and simply lying on top of the covers, but it was enough. We ended up in my room and it didn't feel quite the same but that was alright because we weren't quite the same either. It was a bit of a tighter fit seeing as Harry had the bigger bed and mine was simply a cheap purchase we made for the flat after we moved in. We wanted our families to be able to come and visit so we needed a guest room. Harry had pushed for it more than I had, which was strange because his family lived close enough that they could just come down for the day if they so desired. It wasn't until later that I found out he did it because he wanted to make sure my family knew they were always welcome. Of course after everything happened, I didn't exactly feel like sharing a room, much less a bed with Harry, so I moved in here, though it never felt quite right.

 

Harry had been devastated, or at least that's what Louis had told me. I had avoided all chances of running into him by keeping myself sealed up in my new room, or going over to Liam and Lou's place. We were miserable, but we couldn't comfort each other seeing as we were the ones causing each others misery in the first place.

 

We had been living in our own personal hell for six months now and I was more than done with that. I just wanted to start working our way back towards what we had, except maybe this time it would be better. Maybe this time we would be better, stronger, and just... happier.

 

"Niall?" Harry whispered, his voice rough and low from unuse. He sounded so unsure and that broke my heart just a little more.

 

We were being so hesitant around each other, and it never used to be like this. We used to touch each other with confidence, we used to talk to each other without a care in the world, but everything was so different. Everything was so wrong, and I just wasn't alright with it.

 

"Yeah?"

 

Harry moved around a bit, his arms jostling slightly where they wer drapped across my stomach. He seemed to be trying to move, so I went to roll away but him simply grumbled out a no and held me closer, while wriggling us around so that we were facing each other. His curls were a mess upon his head, and he looked ridiculous with the sheet marks on his face and dried drool on his chin, but I didn't mind. This is what waking up next to Harry always used to be like, so at least one thing was similar in the awkward tension radiating between the two of us.

 

"Are you hungry?"

 

I laughed as my stomach grumbled, answering the question for me and somehow disapting the tension that had settled over us this morning. Harry was grinning at me shyly, his dimples poking out of their hiding place while his eyes scanned my face warmly. I returned the smile, just as soft and shy as his was this early in the morning.

 

"I'll take that as a yes." He chuckled before a nervousness flashed across his face. "Would you um--do you want to go get some breakfast with me?"

 

His cheeks were being painted with a light blush and I could feel my own heating up as well. This was so familiar to the first time Harry had asked me out on a date that it was almost scary. Except back then I'd been all for it, and had just laughed at his nervousness and grabbed his hand and pulled him outside and towards the closest cafe that sold breakfast. Harry had simply giggled the whole way there.

 

"Uh--yeah, I'd--yeah, I'd really like that."

 

There seemed to be something in the air this morning, or it could have been the simple fact that we were both on the road to recovery, but all I know is that when Harry smiled it warmed me up a bit more than it used to. All I knew was that this new step we were working on taking was big, though it may not have seemed like it at the time, this was quite the step for us. We didn't go out in public together, or at least we hadn't since... well since last October.

 

"Alright." He started to smile a bit, before another look took over his face, and he was suddenly staring down my shirt like it was the most amazing thing he'd ever seen in his whole life. I rolled my eyes at him, because honestly the idiot was the still the same as ever, and God damn it was I happy to know that.

 

"Spit it out Harry, we don't have all day." I sighed dramtically, trying to get him to laugh, and it worked no matter how small.

 

"Uh I was just... um--well like I know we slept in here together last night, but um..." He stopped then as he began to draw patterns onto my shirt once more, and finally mumbled the last bit. "Do you think I coud like--sleep in here tonight as well?"

 

My heart thumped loudly in my chest but it was nothing compared to the heat that had risen to my cheeks. It wasn't that I didn't want Harry to sleep with me again, in the most innocent of ways mind you, but I just felt like giving an immediate answer would sound to eager, so I made myself count to ten before putting him and myself out of my misery.

 

"Of course you can."


	32. Session Six: Crashing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Both of Us by B.O.B. ft. Taylor Swift

**Zayn's POV**

 

" _And can't nobody stop the juice, so baby tell me what's the use._ "

 

"Oh God, Ed please don't--I'm begging yo--"

 

" _It's getting hot in here, so hot, so take off all your clothes." He got up then, pulling at his jumper as seductively as he could manage--it wasn't much. He looked like a constipated penguin or something. "I am getting so hot, I'm gonna take my clothes off._ "

 

"I swear to God if you don't shut the hell up I'm going to--"

 

" _I'm hot cause I'm fly, you ain't cause you not. This is why, this is why, this is why I'm hot._ "

 

I couldn't handle it anymore, he'd been sitting in my office ever since the last couple left singing God awful rap songs and I swear my mind was slowly melting away. It was like he was planning to kill me or something, so in my defense I did what any normal man would do--I called Nancy.

 

"Nancy, for Chirst's sakes, please make him stop, please. I'll give you a raise, and get you lunch for the rest of the month just stop this maniac--I'm begging you." I begged as soon as she entered my office. I was so thankful she came in before Ed could start on his Fergalicious rendition, that was sure to be even more horrifiying.

 

"Edward Christopher Sheeran, either you pack up your shit and go or you shut up. You're such a pain in the ass." She grumbled in her 'loud voice' and let me tell you it was rather convincing at the best of times. I was glad that she'd yet to turn that tone on me, but only time would tell with that one.

 

"But Nancy, it's so boring when I'm off. Who else is there to entertain me?" Ed sighed, he was completely unfazed by Nancy's increase in volume. His arm was draped across his face and he was throwing his voice all around, doing his best to sound as dramatic as possible, it wasn't working.

 

"You have never, and I do mean never, come in here because of boredom. You have always found ways to fill your time, so if you don't leave my boss alone I'm going to call Aunt Ginny, and let her deal with your lazy ass." She huffed and this time Ed groaned, as he sat up on my sofa.

 

"You always were such a tattle tail. And you wondered why Matt always made fun of your hair as a child." He stuck his tongue out at her, and she gladly returned the favor. I just sat there and watched, rather amused by the two cousins in front of me.

 

"Will you two shut up? Louis and Liam should be here any moment and I can't have you two making--"

 

"Should we come back?" Speak of the devil and he shall come.

 

Louis was standing in the doorway, a shit eating grin taking over his face which was actually quite the surprise to see. He was always very stoic when he was in for a session, it was all very different to the spitfire attitude he'd first used when he stalked in here. Now though, it seemed as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders and it was such a pleasant sight to see. Then Liam poked his head in the door raising his eyebrows in interest as he caught sight of the bickering fest going on in front of me. Ed was shouting every embarrassing moment of Nancy he could think of while she shot back at him with the most insulting words she could come up with--she was way more inventive than I first gave her credit for that's for sure.

 

"You know what? Why don't we take our session outside today?" I asked, as I grabbed my jacket tight in one hand and my keys in the other, slipping my glasses from my face. "It's a bit heated in my office at the moment."

 

Liam nodded while Louis just stood there with a smirk on his face, smiling at the chaos before him. I wish I could say that the first time I saw Ed and Nancy go at it I didn't look like that, but sadly I was just as entertained as Louis seemed to be. It was only as the years worn on that their fighting became more annoying than entertaining, though if they did it at the right time then I could still find some amusement in it.

 

Sadly, today was not that day.

 

"Louis shut up, and come on." Liam commanded, and surprisingly enough, Louis listened and followed.

 

It wasn't a long walk down to the nearest park, and so that's where we went. I knew it was unconventional but I just didn't feel like being stuck in an office, not when it was only Liam and Louis. I'd gotten to know Liam pretty well over the last few weeks, and he'd certainly opened up more to me than I could have ever hoped for. That being said, I felt more like Liam's friend than I did his therapist and having to stay inside and have things so... formal just felt wrong. It was like I wanted to have a session with these two like I had with Niall a few nights ago. I just wanted to be there for them without any other ulterior motives in the way.

 

This was no longer a job, this was becoming something completely different.

 

"What happened?" I asked, as we trekked across the park and toward the benches only a few yards away.

 

"What do you mean?" Louis inquired, his brow furrowed and his lips pulled taunt in a frown which was quickly subdued as Liam grabbed Louis' hand in his.

 

"Between the two of you, something happened. I'm not blind. It's almost palpable the difference between the two of you. Only last week I had you two at different corners of my sofa and now you're holding hands in a park. What changed?"

 

Louis glanced down at their intertwined hands and he seemed to be feeling more than one emotion as he caught sight of Liam's hand in his. It seemed like everything between the two of them was natural, but there was an underlying tone of something new at play. They were cautious and yet familiar making the chemistry that was ever present between the two of them even more obvious. It was a beautiful sight to behold really and I was only happier to see them in their element instead of shoved up together on a sofa in my office.

 

This was them, and I was finally having a glance into their lives as more than just an outsider.

 

"I stopped hiding. I finally did what I should have always done." Liam said as he turned towards me with a mega watt smile that could have lit up the entire park had it been pitch dark outside. "I'm not saying we've fixed everything, I get that we still have a lot of things we need to discuss, but I finally told him what happened. I finally let him in and I'm just--I'm happy. I'm happy that he knows, it's freeing and I just feel better about things. I feel better about... me."

 

I couldn't contain my smile at that either. Liam seemed to have an ever running battle with himself. It wasn't that he wasn't good enough it was just that he couldn't see his worth. Liam needed to find his worth in the world, and to find it not only in other people but in himself as well. I was willing to bet that had Liam had enough self worth when him and Louis were together they would have never broken up. If Liam didn't let his fears cloud over his relationship then Louis would have been able to push through and be there for Liam like he always wanted to.

 

Louis had his own issues, but he was able to deal with them in his own way. He didn't need these sessions, at least not as much as Liam did. It was amazing to see the progress that Liam had made, and that was why I brought my binder along with me. Inside it was the papers I had them fill out in the beginning of the sessions. Most of them were just ways for me to get to know more about them as people but there was one question on there, one question where they could put whatever they wanted and it seemed that it was exactly what I wanted to see. They'd progressed beautifully and I still thought that Liam needed to attend his own sessions because his problems lay deep inside of him and it would take some time to get over them but it seemed that Liam was the only one who really needed to continue these sessions. Liam was the only one of the two of them that had an answer that frightened me.

 

It was a simple question: What is one thing you would change about yourself if you could?

 

Louis' answer was practical, he saw where he was flawed and he was able to pinpoint a specific spot. He wanted to be more forgiving to the people around him. He had said that holding grudges was one of his major problems and that made sense seeing as he still held a bit of resentment for his family, and I'm going to say that he probably would always carry some of that inside of himself. It wasn't like he was able to go and change the past, he could only learn from it and decide how he wanted to be because of it. It was the same with everyone really, you can't change other people, you can only change yourself so in retrospect you need to look inside to make a difference not point out the flaws of others. Everyone falls down and struggles with something, you just need to be able to work through those problems to find how you can make a difference in your life and the lives around you.

 

Louis decided he wasn't going to be as angry, to slowly let things go and I will say that I've seen it. In these sessions I've seen Louis take steps towards getting over things, and one of the biggest steps is letting things out. He was brave enough to confide in not only Liam but myself as well and tell us about a past I'm going to say he would probably like to forget, but in the end it was the past that turned him into who he is today, and it is that man that I admire greatly. I admire so many different things about Louis and I appreciated his honesty and opinions and his caring heart, because that's really what makes Louis so special.

 

He has a heart of gold that he wants everyone else to have as well.

 

Liam on the other hand, his answer was more broad and I'm sure that if I had asked Louis to answer the question right off the spot he might have answered this way as well, but when you are given an entire week to dwell over these questions and think of the perfect answer usually you don't reply in such broad form. Liam did, and that right there was a red flag. Everyone has a moment in their life that they can look back on and wish so badly that they had done something different, but Liam didn't mention that. He didn't mention much of anything. All he did was use one word and move on to the next question.

 

Everything.

 

That was all he put and when you come into a place like therapy every small detail counts, and an answer like that was more than enough of a sign to see that Liam needed to let some things out. He was hiding something and that was obvious from the first day he walked into my office. He was stiff and uncomfortable and his words were ugly and his posture uncomfortable. Liam looked like a man with too many walls and the more time I spent with him the more I saw him loosen up and slowly I've watched those walls fall down.

 

Liam has slowly come into his own and it's honestly just so amazing to see.

 

"Have you noticed a change in Liam, Louis?"

 

It didn't take more than a second for Louis to answer and that was a good sign as well. He'd obviously thought of this question himself and the answer was just sitting on the tip of his tongue ready to come out.

 

"I think it would be hard not to see the difference honestly. Liam has always been private, and even though we had been in a relationship I often times felt like he was hiding more of himself from me than Niall or even Harry. Those two, who alright fine Niall tells me everything but Harry wasn't my closest friend and he still told me more about himself than Liam ever did. It was strange and a bit unsettling but I fell in love with Liam and I was able to overlook it but the deeper in I got the more walls I hit. It was like Liam was hiding himself from the entire world and I was lumped up in that category as well.

 

"Things changed this weekend, fuck things changed the first time we came to one of these things. He wasn't as happy, but he was more open. He was easier to read than he ever had been and things just slowly seemed to be fitting into place, then when he came over on Friday it was like a fucking dam broke and all the questions that had built up over time were being answered. Why Liam was always gone, why Liam didn't talk to me like I wanted him to, and fear played a major part in it. Though really I have no room to speak because fear has often been a driving factor in my life as well it was just... never to that extreme."

 

I was honestly so glad to hear everything that the two of them were saying, it was like I could map out exactly how I wanted something to happen but until they were ready to really work on getting better I was only a whisper in their ear. I could give them advice but until they lived it out in their lives it would be useless. Seeing things I'd told them taking shape in their lives was honestly so encouraging. I'd come across many people who acted as thought I had no idea what I was talking about because I wasn't them. It didn't take a lot of study to know that talking things through with each other would solve more than half of the problems that came through my door.

 

If people were simply more open with each other so many issues could be resolved instantly.

 

I could see that Louis and Liam were putting those words to use. They were smiling and holding hands and leaning into each other. They looked more at home here than they had the entire time I'd known them. It was like a film had been covering their eyes and it was finally being taken off. They were happy and I was more than happy to see them this way.

 

Phase One was now complete, it was time to start phase two and only time would tell how that one would go.


	33. Session Six: Problems

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ever Enough by A Rocket To the Moon

**Harry's POV**

 

"I'm sorry, what did you say?"

 

"I said, we're sleeping in the same room again." I repeated once more while Zayn just stared at the both of us with wide eyes.

 

Niall and I were seated beside each other, our shoulders and sides touching lightly, but it felt amazing to be this close to him again. It was the most perfect thing I'd ever felt in my entire life, Niall was beside me and he wasn't shying away. He was still stiff and I could feel his discomfort but he wasn't running from me, not anymore at least. For the moment, Niall was all mine and I was all his, just as I always would be.

 

"That's..." Zayn seemed shocked, and his gaze kept shooting towards Niall making me frown a bit as he did so. It seemed like something more was happening. "Wow, I don't even know what to make of this. It's certainly progress but..."

 

And then he stopped.

 

I swear it was like people picked the worst possible moments to stop their train of thought. I just wanted him to let everything he was thinking to come spilling out. Did Zayn see something that I didn't? Was I missing something because it sure as hell seemed like it and when it came to Niall I didn't exactly like being left out of the loop. If anything, I'd rather know everything about Niall and his life. I just wished he'd share with me more. I wanted him to start confiding in me again, even if it was just the little things.

 

"I know." Niall sighed, his shoulders slumping beside mine, catching me off guard.

 

"What?" I questioned. "What do you know? What's going on?"

 

My frustration was peaking through, but I felt justified to this much. If we were going to sit in a therapy session designed for the both of us then one of us should certainly not be left in the dark, which was exactly how I was feeling.

 

"It's a bit... fast." Niall interjected to which I honestly just--I shut down.

 

He was pulling back again, I could literally see it in his eyes. Niall had said so many things to me, or was I simply seeing things? He'd talked to me about how much he'd loved me. He asked me to tell me I loved him, and he'd spent the last six nights beside me. Was I reading into it incorrectly or something? There didn't seem to be many other ways to see it but maybe... maybe for Niall it was completely different. Maybe our progress on his end wasn't exactly the same it was on mine.

 

"Harry, I know this is all good news and everything. Actions can certainly speak louder than words, you know that, but this isn't exactly a step you take so quickly." Zayn's words hit a nerve and I couldn't have stopped the words that came out of my mouth even if I wanted to.

 

"Quickly? You think we moved too quickly? Are you fucking kidding me?! It's March, it's fucking God damn March and I haven't slept beside Niall since October twenty-ninth. It's been hell, and now that I finally am able to fall asleep with him beside me, not even in my God damn arms but just beside me you think it's too quick? Are you shitting me right now?"

 

My voice was raising and I could feel as Niall shrunk away from me which only caused the confusion in me to turn to hurt which simply led to more anger. I was so fed up with how things with Niall were going in my life right now. I didn't want to be mad, or hurt, or--shit--anything. I just wanted to be content. I didn't want to enter these sessions feeling like shit and leaving with an even worse frame of mind. I swear when I finally thought things were going well it was like the universe decided to come in and mess with me all over again.

 

"Harry, how many times have you been here?" Zayn asked, his eyes staring intently into mine.

 

"What does this have to--"

 

"Just answer the question Harry: how many times?"

 

"Six, or well if you count that first time that Louis and I barged in it would be seven. I've been here seven times in total. Seven consecutive weeks." I frowned a bit, only now noticing how low that number really was.

 

"Do you know where most couples in your situation are at right about now?"

 

I simply shook my head, not understanding the point of this conversation.

 

"They are just getting to the point where they can talk to each other again, where they realize to be together they have to be civil to each other." I shook my head slowly trying to understand exactly what he was saying.

 

"Are you saying we're supposed to be like everyone else? Are you saying that our relationship is just as fucked up as every other person you see on a daily basis? Are you really going to compare us to couples who don't even know how to look at each other?"

 

"Harry, six weeks ago Niall couldn't even look at you."

 

Low. Blow.

 

God that one really hurt. I tried not to think about it but when it all came down to it he was entirely right. Six weeks ago Niall wasn't even able to look at me. I could touch him and he'd pretend I didn't exist. I was at such a loss that I was breaking down at random times of the day just hating myself. I'd caused the major riff between us and he was just trying to protect himself. I'd hurt Niall so badly that he felt like shutting down was the only way he was able to protect himself.

 

"He..." I stopped then, just closing my eyes as I felt the tears building up once more. "I know, I know and I just--I want everything we had back, you know? I want Niall beside me as I sleep at night and I just, I don't care how fast we move because he was there. He was sleeping next to me and I didn't have to steal his pillows to smell him on my sheets. I didn't have to sleep with my phone qued up to his picture because he was right there and I was... I was happy."

 

"You stole my pillows?" Niall asked, his voice low with an underlying tone of awe.

 

My cheeks turned a bright cherry pink but I only nodded my head slowly, not knowing exactly what to say to that. What could I possibly say that would make me sound less pathetic? Nothing that I could think of off the top of my head that's for sure.

 

"You..." He paused then, breathing deeply before continuing on. "You really do love me."

 

Niall stopped then, not saying anything else, but it was a good silence. A sign that at least one thing had gotten through to him. He'd been shown so many reasons why I didn't love him, but it was rare for him to be shown moments when I truly had. I loved Niall but I wasn't always expressive about it. He told me all the time, but it was harder for me. Love was one of my biggest fears, and admitting to loving him, even if he was the only one that heard it was still very hard, or it had been.

 

I'd learned over the past few months to let that fear go, it wasn't worth it.

 

"It's alright to want him beside you Harry, it's alright to make progress and I'm not saying the progress you made is bad. I'm not saying to stop sleeping in the same bed because hey, maybe it works for you both. I'm just trying to warn you, if you move too fast things may come undone. I've seen it happen before, I just don't want the two of you to end up like any of those other couples did."

 

I gulped at that one, my heart rate rising. He was being discreet but it wasn't hard to read through the lines. It was obvious that some of the couples Zayn had counseled had obviously not worked out, I just really didn't want to be one of those couples. I wanted to be able to go the distance with Niall.

 

"What can we do then? I don't want to screw this up but I don't want to sleep without him. I've been there, and it's sucks." I sighed, my head dropping into my hands as I tried my best not feel like an absolute failure.

 

"I'm not going to kick you out of my bed Harry, that's not what we're talking about." Niall told me, his voice soft and smooth just as it always is when he's calming me down. It took all of my self control not to beak down on Niall right then and there.

 

He would hold me if I did that, I knew he would but I had to stop using his kindness against him before he was ready. He wasn't always ready for the things he was doing, and even though it had been his own request that had ended us up in bed beside each other, it was still hard on him. There were things that Niall pushed through for me, and it was only fair that I do the same for him as well.

 

"I think..." I paused then, pulling together all the strength I could muster. "I think it would be a good idea to go back to our separate beds, at least for the time being. I don't want to push you Niall and sometimes you just--let me."

 

Niall paused then, taking my words in with thoughtfulness. He wasn't angry about what I was saying, neither was he denying it and it was only then that I realized how true the things I was saying were. Niall allowed me to get my own way so many times that I had come to expect it. He had allowed me to brush him off in public when we went out. He had allowed me to repress the amount of times I told him I loved him. He allowed me to get away with things that most people wouldn't let me get away with. It was in those things that lay Niall's struggles, his demons were different colors and shapes than mine but they were demons all the same.

 

Niall was a testament that a person's problems didn't always have to be perceived as problems. To most people the fact that Niall was so accommodating would be a good thing. They got what they wanted so what could the problem be, when in all reality a person who gives into the will of other's often has different problems of their own. Niall may not have been a bastard who told me I was pissing him off just by breathing but he had enabled me, he had enabled me to do many things and that just wasn't alright.

 

"Ah, so you see it now Harry?" Zayn asked, his words breaking through my sudden epiphany. I simply nodded my head, too shocked to speak properly. "I'm glad you figured it out. Niall needs to learn to put up his boundaries but for that to happen you need to allow him the space to figure them out. Yes, you can love him and talk to him and be there for him but in other ways you need to allow time to build back up to what the two of you had. Niall struggles with something that I've encountered on many occasions and if you push too far before they are truly ready then you could damage your relationship forever, and this time there would be no coming back."

 

I just nodded, watching Zayn carefully before turning towards Niall. His head was cast down, his hands twiddling about in his lap. I wasn't even sure how to react to this new found knowledge. How was I supposed to know when Niall did things for himself anymore? Had I always pushed him too far? God, it was all so confusing now, every single moment between the two of us was tainted by the simple fact that Niall allowed others to...

 

Oh God what if one of his other boyfriends had taken advantage of that fact what if--

 

I was making myself sick, I honestly felt as if I could throw up. What if Josh had forced his will on Niall? I wouldn't have put it past him. Or oh God, what if Christian used that knowledge to get Niall to go to things he didn't enjoy? What if he had slept with either of them before he was ready but because he thought that that's what they wanted? What if...

 

I couldn't hold down the bile as it came up my throat and I was leaning over the rubbish bin before I could even count to ten. I felt so sick, I felt beyond sick, I felt devastated. All the if's, and's or but's were circling through my head and I couldn't keep them at bay no matter how hard I tried. Niall was his own person and he was capable of making his own decisions but when he loved someone he would do almost anything for them.

 

Or would he do anything for him?

 

Oh my God, did Louis know this? What if all this time Louis was in the dark and didn't know that Niall wasn't always honest with people. What if--

 

"Harry? I need you to calm down for me. Please, I need you to breathe." Niall's voice broke through the jumbled mess in my head. Tears were streaming down my face, and my throat was burning while my mouth tasted of death but I saw Niall and the clear determination he had set on his face. He was doing what he had always done, he was taking care of me but it was lacking his gentle touch and soft words. He was Niall but he wasn't Niall.

 

"Harry, just because he sometimes allows things to go further than he'd like, doesn't mean he can't make his own decisions. You can't overwhelm yourself with thoughts that go beyond the simple truth. Niall will push aside his problems for yours, but when it's the big things, and I mean the big things, he does know how to say no."

 

"I do love you Harry, but sometimes you're a right prick you know." And if that sentence had come from anyone else's mouth besides Niall I would have found offense in it, but with the soft tone of his voice it was impossible to be insulted. Niall loved me no matter who I was, and that was more apparent than anything.

 

"Thanks." I rasped, my voice a low croak thanks to the bile that had managed to escape my mouth.

 

"Well I must say, today did not turn out as I was expecting it to." Zayn commented, his eyes on the both of us as we sat on the floor beside the sofa. "No matter, I'm almost liking these turn of events more."

 

Niall chuckled softly before rising to his feet and sitting down on the sofa once more, it certainly was much more comfortable than the floor. I waited a beat longer before getting up as well and sitting myself beside Niall but considerably further than I had been before. I was being extra cautious now and only time would tell whether that was a good thing or not.

 

"So what's our assignment for this week?" Niall asked, his eyes piercing through Zayn as he shook his head slightly, catching the both of us off guard.

 

"You don't have one."

 

"What?" I croaked. "What do you mean we don't have one?"

 

"You two are past the point where I needed to give assignments. You're talking to one another, you are spending time together, now it's time for the weeks to be spent as you see fit, not as I saw fit. I can tell you things to do but only you can decide what truly works for the both of you. You've reached what I like to refer to as phase two. Phase one was the start while phase two is something completely different."

 

"And what is that?" I asked, not exactly clear on where he was going.

 

"That, Harry, is entirely up to you."


	34. Overtures

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything by Michael Buble

**Liam's POV**

 

"Can you please just pass me the ketchup?"

 

"What do I get out of it?"

 

"My never ending gratitude?"

 

"Nope, not good enough."

 

"My... love?"

 

"I've already got that Liam, tell me something I don't know."

 

"My fist staying where it is on the table?"

 

"Is that a threat?"

 

"No, it's just a um... thought."

 

"God, and to think I was just about to hand it over to you too, now you're never getting the damn bottle."

 

Now, I know this conversation isn't exactly what most people would think of as normal dinner talk, but then again is anything with Louis ever normal? I've come to realize over the last few years that whenever Louis is involved things are going to be a bit difficult, but at least they're not dull. There is never a dull moment with Louis, and tonight was no different. I had cooked us dinner, or well I'd made hot dogs, but you had to microwave those things! Of course the last time I made them I boiled them and that was just a complete disaster.

 

"Lou, how am I supposed to eat this without ketchup?"

 

"I guess you should have thought of that before you decided to hold a knife to my throat."

 

"Wh-what? Louis, what the hell are you on about?" I sputtered choking on my drink in the process.

 

To say things had reverted back to normal would be a lie, but at least Louis was messing with me. It was the times when Louis gave in willingly that I knew something was wrong. He had always been a pain in the ass, but he when he was upset he became a completely different person, though the same could be said for most people. It was just that, with people like Louis and Niall and even Harry the differences were rather obvious.

 

Or maybe I just knew them too well.

 

"Have you talked to Harry lately?" Louis' teasing tone took on a whole new demeanor all of a sudden as he gently placed the ketchup bottle in front of me.

 

"I talked to him a few days ago, he sounded so excited really. Apparently him and Niall have been sleeping in the same bed." I coughed a bit more, but Louis didn't seem to notice the blush on my cheeks as he continued on.

 

"Yeah, they were but I just talked to Niall before I came over and Li... I think you should talk to Harry or something. He's--I think he's going to be having a hard time right now and he'll need you."

 

I stared at Louis for a moment trying to figure out what the hell could have happened in the few days it had been since I talked to him. It wasn't until I checked the date that I realized what the problem had to be. It was Friday evening, and they had their sessions on Thursdays. The only thing that made any sense at all would be for something to have gone wrong there.

 

"Is it bad?"

 

My voice was coarse and my body tense as I waited for Louis' answer.

 

"I'd say it was more of a reality check than anything. Sometimes when things seem like they are finally going well you realize how blind you've been all along, you know? Like I know that we're not fixed, but sometimes I forget when I'm near you and you let me be near you. I block out all of our problems and it's like they never happened and then I'm happy. I'm happy to be next to you here in your flat and eating dinner together. I've missed it, and so I focus on the good because if I focus on all the reasons that I've missed it then the whole thing just overwhelms me, you know? So I'm trying really hard not to do that. I just want to cherish our moments together and I think... I think that's exactly what Harry did."

 

I was starting to breathe a little deeper so as to remain calm. What Louis was saying was completely true but it did nothing to stop the wave of guilt that washed over me. He was amazing but I'd hurt him really badly and sometimes I wish he really could forget everything else. I wish I could go back and make things easier for him, but in the end I guess this is exactly what needed to happen. I need help, and I had to hurt Louis to finally get it.

 

"He was focusing so much on the fact that he was able to sleep next to Niall again that he didn't realize that everything was still fucked up. Niall talked to me about it a little bit but he didn't seem quite as happy as Harry did about the whole thing so I knew there was something he wasn't telling me. It just so happened he wasn't telling Harry either." Louis was looking a bit sullen and I reached out to grab his hand, forgetting our dinner completely.

 

"Lou, what's wrong?"

 

"I'm worried about--"

 

"Not that Louis, I know you are but there's more to it than just their problems. I know there is, so just tell me alright? I'll listen, if that's all you need me to do then I'll do it." Louis looked down at our hands and a small smile slipped out before he continued on.

 

"It's just--Niall came over to talk to me and while he was there he ended up comforting me instead. He was having a shit day, and Niall never complains about a shit day so when he does it's serious Liam. He came over and then he left and I didn't even help him at all, my best friend was having fucking problems and I just thought about myself. How fucking selfish can you get? I mean, shit, it's Niall."

 

Louis was staring down at the table but it seemed as if he was looking right through it. His lips were pressed firmly together, and he looked completely lost. I pulled him closer to me, wrapping my arms around him as he continued to sit silently beside me.

 

"Did he ever talk to you about it?"

 

"That's the thing Li, he didn't. Like, I know I was in a bad place that night but he never even said a word. I don't know who he talked to, or if he talked to anyone because it's fucking Niall, Liam. You know Niall, he's glass half full, all smiles and laughs and happiness. I have never once seen him so low before. I don't know what goes through his head anymore. He doesn't like to complain, he doesn't want to be a bother and he just--fuck."

 

Tears were building up behind his eyes and I'd only ever seen Louis this frustrated a few times before but usually it was because of me, not Niall. Niall was and always had been Louis' safety net. I'd never seen two friends so close before, even Harry and I were more distant from each other. It seemed as if Louis' past made Niall take him under his wing or something, because even though Louis may have been older Niall always seemed to take the older brother role of the two of them. Niall cared for Louis like he would a little brother and Louis adored Niall like he was one as well. The two were honestly a bit of a hard pair to be around. I'd been so jealous of Niall the first few times we hung out together, but once I realized how deep their friendship really went I realized that to be with Louis I had to accept Niall as well, and as long as I wasn't overwhelmed with jealously Niall was a great mate to have.

 

God, even after I broke Louis' heart he still made sure to come and see me, I don't think I would have given him the same curtsy had he done that to Harry.

 

"Have you tried talking to him about it since?" I was rubbing up and down his back, watching carefully for his tears to start flowing.

 

"That's just the thing Liam, I can't. Niall has to come to you, and when he comes to you he has to be either really bad, or over it by now. If I go to him he'll brush it off. I've confronted him before and he's admitted things but he's stoic and unresponsive like he is being tortured into talking. I don't want him to get like that around me anymore Li. I want my best mate back and yeah he's still here but he doesn't smile much anymore. He doesn't laugh as loudly at my jokes, sometimes he doens't even laugh at all. He's always stuck up in his thoughts and I just don't know how to get him to come out. I want to dig him out of his shell."

 

Louis took a moment then, taking a sip of his drink before closing his eyes tightly. It was almost as if what he was going to say next would be painful to admit to, like saying something out loud could really damage things.

 

"Harry has commitment problems, that's obvious enough. I love him but that's the truth, and if you watch closely you can see it. You can pinpoint where it comes from if he talks to you enough and you know his story if you ask for it, or if you pester enough. Niall, God I love him, but his issues are more hidden, his problems more invisible. Niall wants to please, and he stands up for himself, yes he will do that but at the end of the day Niall wants for everyone around him to be happy. He wanted his Mum to be happy after the divorce so he pretended he never heard the ugly things she said to Bobby before it was official. He wanted his brother to go off to Uni without worrying about him, so he started to push him away in hopes of Greg realizing that Niall wasn't a little kid anymore. His dad is a wonderful person, but he's not always thoughtful. When Niall would go and stay with him, he often did the shopping and cooking because otherwise they'd have take out every night and Niall didn't want that for his father, no matter what had happened."

 

Louis paused then, looking up at the ceiling as if contemplating something big. Louis had never talked about Niall like this before. He didn't mention any of Niall's problems because Louis was more protective over the lad than anyone else in his life. Niall was someone Louis would die for without a second thought and I'm pretty sure the sentiment went both ways.

 

"Niall struggles with his past in his own ways, just like I do. Harry was affected by his family life with commitment problems. I've got a bit of a 'live for the moment' thing going on, while Niall just wants harmony, and sometimes he's willing to sacrifice for that. Then there are other times when he knows things need to end, like his parents divorce. He knew it was time, so he tried to help lesson the blow of it all. Where Harry is concerned Niall knew Harry, he knew him inside and out and so when he saw a different piece of the man he loved so much he stayed because it wasn't the end. Niall does know when he's had enough, and he does have a line it's just a very fine line sometimes is all."

 

The tears didn't begin to stream down his face until he was finished. It was like he had to say his peace, he had to tell me exactly what Niall was because if I didn't understand it his entire world would tip over. Louis was putting all of Niall's unmentioned problems on his own shoulders and it was simply too much for one person to carry, all the what if's and unanswered questions. Louis didn't do well with mysteries.

 

"Louis, Harry loves you, you know that right?"

 

Louis snapped his head up at that, his entire attention was now on me. His eyes were glossy and his cheeks were wet but he nodded his head.

 

"Yeah, I know that."

 

"And you know that Niall really loves you right?"

 

At this one he smiled a bit, his teeth making an appearance and a little laugh bubbled out. It was like there was some hidden message behind his laugh or something, but I found the entire thing completely endearing.

 

"He'd kill me if I said no."

 

At that I rolled my eyes, but I wasn't finished. I had one more question for him before we could return back to dinner, our thoughts returning to our troubles instead of trying to fix those of our best mates.

 

"And you know that I'm really in love with you right?"

 

At this, Louis stopped. His eyes trained on me, and his smile slipped from his face as he studied me carefully. I didn't back down though, not this time. I was prepared for the examination that Louis was going to give me. He studied me like a puzzle that he couldn't quite figure out, his eyebrows knitting together and his eyes roaming every single inch of my face as he did so.

 

"Really?"

 

I smiled then, taking a deep breath before laying it all out there.

 

"Really."

 

"If you mean that Liam, and I'm pretty sure you do, then can you do something for me?"

 

I nodded my head instinctively. I'd do anything for Louis, anything. Louis was the first person that made my life less like a lie and more like a beautiful truth. He gave me something that no one else I'd ever met had so for him, for him I'd willingly do anything.

 

"Tell me about that boy."

 

I stared at him quizzically, my mind running through every single boy Louis could be talking about. There were so many different people, but I honestly had no clue this time. I didn't even have an inkling until he decided to go into more detail, his words hitting me instantly.

 

"The one you hurt so badly Liam, tell me about him."

 

It was like a physical blow to my stomach. My face paled and my heart beat picked up it's speed. There were so many things I could have talked to him about. So many different things we'd never discussed before but he wanted to know about him--Andy. It took me a few moments to regain my composure, but once I had the panic set in. I was going to be talking about him, about what I'd done to him with the one person I wish never had to know. I didn't want Louis to pity me I just wanted to forget it ever happened, I wanted to go on forgetting.

 

But if I loved Louis, if I really did then I couldn't back down, so I didn't.

 

"Andy was in my year. He wasn't much bigger than I was at the time, but he was always doing nasty things, making remarks about people in such rude ways that I found myself pitying anyone that was acquainted with him, then he started in on me."

 

I paused, my breath shuddering as I tried to keep myself under control. Andy wasn't easy to talk about now, he would never be an easy thing for me as long as I lived.

 

"The things he said Louis, God I wish I could forget. It's one thing to tell yourself it's shit, and I knew every single thing he said wasn't true, I knew it but that didn't stop it from hurting. It didn't stop me from ditching school or from taking my anger out on a punching bag at the gym, but when he mentioned Ruth, he went too far. He could say whatever the fuck he wanted about me and I'd take it but once he got too cocky, too self assured, I just... I couldn't take it anymore."

 

I wasn't saying what he said because hearing those words out loud again would have been too much. It would have consumed me and I didn't want to leave Louis, I couldn't do that again. Louis needed the truth but there were some things I just couldn't say, and what Andy said that year, that was on my never to be repeated list.

 

"I broke his arm. His right one, I broke the thing right in two. They said it was a miracle it didn't break the skin really. He went to the hospital and I was expelled for fighting. It was a zero tolerance thing, and it didn't matter why I did it, it was just the fact that I did. I almost broke his nose, he had two black eyes, three fractured ribs, a broken arm and more bruises than I'd like to admit. It all went on my record, but I wasn't charged for it. Too many people knew what Andy was like and too many people heard what he'd said to me for them to ever back him up. So, I moved schools again, I started over and I left it all behind me... literally, but to really forget, well that's something I've never been able to accomplish."

 

Louis was watching me, his eyes wide and his mouth turned down in a grimace. I didn't know whether he was upset with what I'd done or what I just told him Andy had done to me. I wasn't violent so for me to go all bat shit crazy on someone was just... mental.

 

"You're amazing."

 

My eyes flickered up to his as soon as the words left his mouth, he was staring at me so softly, his blue eyes more blue than I'd seem them in some time.

 

What happened next wasn't anywhere near what I was expecting. I didn't think Louis would do that for quite some time, but it seemed like he was forgiving me, and maybe this was simply his way of showing me. Whatever it was, I wasn't one to complain as he gently grabbed my face in his hands, leaning in towards me with such purpose in his movements. When our lips slotted together, everything seemed to fall back into place. It was almost like these last few months hadn't happened, like our kiss was something of a normality than a novelty. It wasn't long, but it was sweet, and soft. It wasn't rushed or overdone but it was just perfect.

 

It was perfectly us, so as he rested his forehead on mine, I couldn't help but repeat his words back to him, meaning every single one of them.

 

"You really are amazing."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments more than welcome(and totally appreciated :))


	35. Losing Control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Raining In Paris by The Maine

**Niall's POV**

 

It all started with a cup of tea.

 

It was a simple cup of tea, and that one thing ruined everything. It was just something I wanted, just a nice hot cup to cool down the feelings that had been building up inside me ever since our session on Thursday. It was just a cup of tea, and I needed it. I needed the sense of home that it would bring to me, and so I went into the kitchen and started up the kettle.

 

The sky was dark outside, and my heart felt heavy in my chest. I didn't know how to feel anymore, about anything really. I knew that Harry had been walking on eggshells around me, I knew that he had purposefully avoided asking me things, afraid that what I would say would just be to placate him. I didn't do that, not really, and I don't think he honestly got it.

 

Yes, I wasn't ready to sleep in the same bed as him, but that didn't stop me from wanting it just as much as he did. I know when you think about it it shouldn't be that strange, we slept in the same bed for quite a while before everything blew up on us, but it's the fact that we're trying to heal and that just felt like the wrong step to take. I miss sleeping next to Harry, and that is why I agreed to it more than anything. I wasn't completely comfortable with the idea but that was well after I'd had time to think things through. That Saturday morning we spent in bed together was just perfect. It was almost like things used to be, and I think that's what made things so easy to fall back into place, because in all reality we'd been there before.

 

The kettle began to whistle and I pulled a mug down off the shelf before turning the stove off and started setting everything up for my tea. I'd gotten the flavor I was in the mood for, and was just about to pour the hot water in the glass when I saw the mug that I'd grabbed.

 

It should have been no big deal, it was just a cup. It was something to drink out of, it was a means to an end, but that cup set something off inside of me. It was like a revelation.

 

It was the same cup that I'd bought in October for a joke. It was in the shape of a black kettle and had made me laugh so hard when we were at the store. Halloween had only been a couple days away and I'd liked the idea of drinking out a kettle to help celebrate the day. At the time it was simply something to appease me, to amuse me and make me smile, but today it was anything but.

 

Today that mug was like a punch to the gut of a reminder of what my life had become.

 

Things weren't perfect when we bought it, Harry had hardly touched me in going on two months, he'd laughed less, and yelled more but I was used to it by then. I was used to his irriatable nature and his unkind gestures. I was in a rut and I didn't even realize it, until the evening took a turn and suddenly everything shifted. Our entire life upended itself that night, and this cup was just a reminded or it.

 

This god damn cup.

 

Everything that had been weighing me down just lit a fuse when I caught sight of that cup, and suddenly it was took much. The cup was a terrible thing, it was awful it was so bloody awful that I couldn't even stand the sight of it. I couldn't stand the fact that this cup was perfectly intact when I was everything /but/. I was broken into so many pieces that I didn't even know where to start, and I shouldn't be the only thing. I shouldn't be broken alone, so with that thought in mind I decided I wouldn't be.

 

I picked up that cup and I threw it as hard as I could at the wall, shattering it into a million pieces.

 

I thought that would help, I thought seeing it broken across the ground would be enough. I thought that if I just took my overwhelming anger out on something I'd get rid of it, but I didn't. It didn't work. That fucking cup did nothing for me, and I just couldn't take it anymore.

 

I couldn't take this anymore.

 

Everyone has their breaking points and I'd officially found mine, though it might have been a psychotic break that I was in for as a scream built it's way up my chest and out of my mouth.

 

I screamed as loud as I could for as long as I could, and I felt suddenly calmer. It was like the moment my lips shut together everything finally made sense. Everything just became so much clearer and that's all I needed to know. I needed clarity and I'd finally found mine.

 

"What was that?"

 

I glanced up to find Harry standing warily in the doorway. His face looked older somehow, like the last seven months had aged him beyond repair. His hair was falling into his face in such a way that usually took my breath away, but all it did today was make me feel more alone. It was like there was a barrier between the two of us, and there was no way to breach it. No matter how hard we tried we couldn't break through to the other side.

 

"That," I chuckled a bit humorlessly shaking my head as I went. "That was the sound of me finally losing it. I've lost it Harry, I'm completely mental and I don't even give a shit. I couldn't give less of a shit if I tried."

 

Harry seemed startled, and whether it was because of the underlying tone of malice that laced my words or because of the actual words I was speaking, I didn't know. All I did know was that Harry looked shaken up and that this was really only the beginning. This wasn't going to get better, this was only going to get worse and I knew it. I knew that things like this--they didn't get fixed, no matter how hard you tried.

 

"What are you talking about Niall?" Harry only then dared to enter the kitchen, his eyes straying to the mess of broken glass on the floor in the corner.

 

"I'm talking about this Harry, us."

 

His eyes shot to me so quickly and they were completely riddled with panic, as if he was doomed for all eternity. He wasn't though, if anything what was about to happen should have been a weight off of his shoulders. It couldn't be easy living in a house with someone you can barely look at without feeling guilty. It had to be very hard on him to have me around, it was hard on me having Harry around.

 

"You don't give a shit about us?" His voice was small, his words shaky and his eyes were downcast towards the floor and it was then that the guilt hit me again.

 

"No that's--that's not what I meant." I stuttered a bit, loosing track of my point in the muddle of feelings and anger that had settled into my brain. "I just don't give a shit about hiding anymore. I'm done, alright? There's only so much a person can take before... It's just too much."

 

"What's too much though? Me? Am I too much? I can dial things back a bit Niall, fuck I can go stay at Liam's place if you'd like. I could give you space, if that's what you need but please don't stop giving a shit about us. I need you with me on this one, I can't fight a battle by myself, not for the two of us."

 

I could feel the surge of tears that fought to fall from my eyes, but I was so tired of them. I was so tried of crying my eyes raw. I was done with feeling this weight inside my chest. I was done being miserable.

 

I was just... done.

 

"Harry, you know what? I'm so sick of crying. I'm sick of the feeling that seems to be permanently planted in my chest. I tired of pretending you didn't hurt me. I'm tired of caring for everyone else. I'm tired of being tired. Don't you get that? Don't you feel that way too? You have to be exhausted of all this." I gestured around, shaking my head a bit as I did so.

 

"I'm not."

 

"Yes you are Harry."

 

"No, I'm not."

 

"Harry God damn it! We've been living in our own personal little hell for months, there is no way on this fucking earth that you aren't tired. I feel weary Harry, I've never had to use that word to describe myself in my entire life, never even had an inkling as to what weary felt like until now. I'm sucked dry and tired and weary. How can I live like this? How can you live like this? How have we lived like this?"

 

I was pulling at my hair, trying to gain some of my composure back but there was no going back. These words were finally out in the open, and they couldn't be undone, just as Harry's words from that night couldn't be undone. I'd never felt like less until that night, and that fact that it was Harry that made me feel like that was more than enough to rip me to shreds. You can love someone, but sometimes loving them isn't always the right thing to do.

 

"Alright, fine. Yeah, so what if I'm tired? If I get you in the end what does it fucking matter how I feel now? I don't give a shit that I'm scared to be around you, I don't give a shit that this I can't touch you because I'm trying to give you what you need, and what you need is space so I'm trying. I'm trying really God damn hard not to loose it with you because I can't overwhelm you Niall. I can't push you too hard and I can't loose you. Don't you get it? I can't Niall."

 

I shook my head at that, a laugh bubbling out of my mouth without my permission.

 

"Bullshit."

 

"What do you mean, bullshit?! It's not bullshit!" He was yelling now and I was alright with that, this had to happen. We needed this.

 

"You don't need me Harry. I'm not oxygen or water, I'm not food, I'm a person. You don't need me. You are just under some delusion that you do, but in all reality you don't. I'm not a necessity to your survival so don't act like I am." I scoffed, as I stared at him, his eyes burning into mine with a rage I'd only ever witnessed once before, but this time instead of tearing me down he was building me up.

 

Harry wasn't fighting fire with fire but fire with water, and that was a thousand times more worse.

 

"Just because you don't keep me alive physically doesn't mean you aren't necessary. You are necessary. I love you Niall, I love you so much that it hurts and I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid of what I feel for you because the only examples of love I've ever had have been failures. You are the first person who's showed me that love isn't about the easy times, but about everything in between. Love should be easy, and it was so easy for us. That is what scared me the most, it just didn't make any sense. I couldn't wrap my head around it and then I fucked it up. I know I did it, I know it Niall but you have to understand that people do irrational things because of fear, and I was one of those people."

 

He was shaking. Harry was shaking so badly that he had to hold onto the table to hold himself up and it took everything within me not to rush to his side and set him down. I couldn't act on those feelings when I was feeling so fucked up I could barely breathe. I would just be sending mixed signals and I couldn't keep doing that. I couldn't pretend anymore.

 

"You should have talked to me Harry! I'm so fucking mad at you, I'm so mad that you didn't talk to me about it, but even more than that I'm angry with myself. I'm angry that I let you leave me out of things. I'm livid with myself over the fact that I could have stopped things sooner. I could have yelled at you but instead I let it happen. I let you drift away and treat me like shit because you're Harry, and out of everyone in the world I thought you'd be the last person to make me feel like you did. You had more of me than I'd ever given to anymore before and I thought that meant something, you know? I thought it was like some sort of insurance policy, because you were my mate first, and that should have stood for something. It should have made us a thousand times easier. Shit it did make us a thousand times easier, for a time at least."

 

"Niall--"

 

"And what was that all for really? Was it all fake? Did you even care about me before we started shagging or was it after I told you I loved you that things fell into place for you? When was it that I meant something to you and how long did it take for you to realize you didn't want me to mean anything? How long because sometimes I sit in that room and I think about that and all I have are empty answers. I think you surely wouldn't have done anything like that to me but to let something like a fear of love come between us--something had to be shit. Something had to be wrong."

 

"Niall my dad--"

 

"I know! Alright, I know! I know why you did, but that doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't make you any easier to look at, and no matter how many times I try and let it all go it just comes crawling back to me. It's like a leech Harry, and I just want it to leave me the fuck alone. I don't like this feeling. I don't like feeling like I don't mean anything. I've never wanted to feel like that--why do I still feel like that?" I was fighting the sobs, I was fighting them so hard and even still I was choking on my words.

 

It didn't seem to matter that no tears were falling from my eyes, because my breath was still just as unsteady and my head was just as foggy and my legs just as weak. I wasn't in a good place at all right now and I just--I needed to go home.

 

"Niall, I'm so sorry. I don't know what else I can say. I don't know what to do for you, but I'm sorry. I never wanted to make you feel like this. I never wanted to hurt you. I love you Niall, and I was selfish with that, but it doesn't make it any less true. I love you."

 

"Please," I choked, my words lowering in volume as I fought to get them out. "Please stop saying that, I can't have you saying that when I'm trying to do this. I don't want to feel guilty anymore. I don't want to feel hate or disappointment, or trapped. I don't want to break you like you broke me because I do love you, I just can't do this Harry. I can't keep doing this."

 

"I don't--Niall, I don't understand, what are you saying?"

 

I glanced at Harry but I couldn't hold his gaze any longer. I couldn't pretend that I didn't see the heartbroken expression, I wasn't like that. I didn't get off on seeing others suffering. I just wanted everyone to be happy and smile, I didn't like to see them crying and upset, but I knew if I kept watching Harry's face that is exactly what I would see. I couldn't handle that right now.

 

"I'm--I'm going back home for a while."

 

"Oh." I could tell just by the way he said it that he didn't understand the entire meaning of that statement. I knew I wasn't being too clear but I didn't want to have to say it to him. I didn't want him to have the memory of those words in my voice. I just wanted to pretend that none of this had happened.

 

I wanted to go back to a year ago when Harry was lying down beside me on the sofa and we were watching something on the television and he was just giggling away, his dimples out on display as he watche the televison intently. I was too busy watching him to pay much mind to the televison, but that was alright. Harry smiling beside me was all I needed to be happy. His giggles were soft and low but they made my heart stammar in my chest. Harry could do that to me, he could make me feel things that no one else had, and it was only now that I realized that it could go both ways. He could make me the happiest I'd ever been but he also had the power to make me the most miserable person I'd ever been.

 

Harry had that power over me, and I was now cutting myself from that. I was taking myself out of the equation, and in the process I was breaking my promise. I told him six months, I told him I'd give him six months but I couldn't do that anymore, I couldn't physically or mentally handle the current situation any longer. I'd simply hit the point of no return.

 

"I love you Harry but I think... I think it's time we let each other go."

 

And to think all I'd wanted was a simple cup of tea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so like I would love to know what you all think of this chapter.


	36. Cancelling Sessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Amnesia by Five Seconds of Summer

**Zayn's POV**

 

"Zayn your phone's ringing!" Perrie yelled at me from across our flat. I was still lying down in our bed, a pillow pulled up over my face to keep the sun out of my eyes. It was way too early to be up on a Sunday morning.

 

I fought to go back to sleep but it seemed whoever was on the other end of that telephone was not having it, seeing as Perrie stomped across our flat and threw it at me the ringer blasting through the air. I groaned, but finally sat up in bed, glancing down to see that it was only Ed calling me, but what else was I expecting really? Ever since he adopted that damn cat Graham he'd been calling me at all hours to discuss things, and by things he meant the ins and outs of his fucking cat.

 

I might be a therapist but I'd rather not be a cat's therapist, that's just mental.

 

" 'Lo?" I grumbled a bit, my curtsy out of service this early in the day.

 

"Zayn, now I know that you probably don't do um--house calls, but I think you should maybe make an exception this time. Like--I don't know how else to describe what I'm seeing to you except that it's a fucking mess. Like, how can I put this in words? Um, alright so tears are practically a permanent residence in my flat and I'm pretty certain that these people aren't leaving anytime soon, so with that in mind I need you here and fast."

 

I blinked a couple times doing my best to put everything he was saying together. He expected me to come to his bloody flat because of a kitten crisis? Either he was really loosing it or he got high a bit earlier than usual. Like, I don't even know what to think anymore, but then again this is Ed and Ed has never been particularly normal, though really what is normal?

 

"I'm not following." There, short, sweet and to the point.

 

"Oh my bloody fuck, Zayn just get your ass down here and put your therapy cap on while your at it. This isn't something that can be taken lightly. Anyways, I've got to run I don't like the sudden absence of sounds emitting from my living room."

 

Ed hung up before he could even properly explain to me what he was up to.

 

To say I rushed over to his flat would be giving me more credit than I deserved, way more credit. I swear it was a miracle I was able to find a doughnut shop in under thirty minutes. Doughnuts always made a situation better, so I just grabbed a dozen and was on my way. It wasn't a long walk to Ed's from my place, but when I took my time it was a good ten minute walk, so this morning I must have really slunk around seeing as I didn't arrive at Ed's until it was well past ten in the morning and his call came at just after nine thirty. On the other hand though, I did bring doughnuts, and who could refuse those?

 

When Ed opened his door, his eyes wild and clothes in disarray I was trying to decide whether I should have rushed over or simply ignored him completely but all he did was yank me inside. He didn't even seem to notice the box of doughnuts in my hands, which I will admit was a bit disappointing, but whatever. He tugged me through into the living room and when I caught sight of my clients I paused in my pace.

 

They were all there, Liam, Louis, Harry, and... no wait, Niall was missing. Liam and Louis were huddled around Harry whispering quietly to each other. Harry was seated on the sofa looking devastated and Niall was nowhere to be seen. I probably could have guessed the rest but I felt the need to ask anyways.

 

"What's going on in here?"

 

"He left." Harry choked, his voice caught in his throat and his eyes rimmed red and his hair a mess of curls.

 

I cocked my head to the side as I stared down at Harry, doing my best to seem surprised when in all honesty I wasn't. I had a feeling Niall wasn't going to leave sometime. I tried my best to keep the two of them together but sometimes you have to get away from a situation before you can really get over what happened, and that's all Niall really needed. He needed to get away while Harry--Harry needed Niall to stay. Harry still needs Niall to stay.

 

"Look, I know we aren't on the clock and I know it's your weekend but when push comes to shove Zayn, you've been an amazing person to us all and we just thought it would be best to get your opinion on all of this. We don't blame Niall for leaving, hell I'm surprised he stayed as long as he did but the fact is, we don't really know what to do for Harry." Liam was the first to speak up and he was looking at his best mate who looked completely shattered, with a furrowed brow and a hell of a lot of sympathy. "Plus, I know it may sound strange to you but you're more of a mate than a therapist to us, at least to me and Niall you are."

 

I smiled slightly at that, remembering all the good talks Liam and I had had about life in general after he'd started opening up. He always stayed late, but every single time we talked things were just easy and simple. Niall was the one that I'd started to really get to know outside of the office, seeing as I was always running into him and I would definitely think of him as a mate as well.

 

"Speaking of, we don't really need our sessions anymore so I'll call tomorrow and cancel." Harry muttered bitterly, his eyebrows coming together in a frown as his lips sagged down in a small pout. "Fuck, all that time for nothing. It didn't fix a damn thing."

 

"Are you shitting me right now?" I asked, exasperated with it all. Some people really didn't understand therapy. "You think all those sessions did nothing for you?"

 

"Yes, I do. I mean, I still lost him. He still left me, and it's not like he pulled a Liam and moved down the block, he left the fucking country. Niall finally told me everything that was bothering him and before I even had a chance to try and fix it he flew out of my reach. I mean, he didn't even give me a moment to say goodbye. It was like he was there one minute and then he was just... gone."

 

I gave Harry a moment to collect himself before I laid into him, and I did it hard. He was living in a fantasy and he didn't even seem to see it.

 

"You're fucking wrong. You know what you should have gotten out of those sessions Harry?" I asked, my voice low and hard as I commanded his full attention. "You should have figured out that your father is a major road block for you, and that you need to confront that. You should have realized that fear of love isn't something rational. You should have realized that you need to change the way you think about things, Niall in particular. You can't expect things to go back to the way they were before, but then again you shouldn't want to. You should want things to be better, and you should have learned to leave the past where it is and move on in the future. You can't change what happened to you, that's all done now, what you can do is not let it become who you are. Don't let it take over your life."

 

Harry was staring at me with wide eyes and I just nodded at him slightly before I turned towards Liam and Louis who were also watching me closely and I decided it was best I just give them everything. There was no point in holding back my observations now. They needed to hear them and I was going to give it to them. Maybe, it would help them, and if they do things right things should be just fine.

 

Life can work itself out if they just fight for themselves.

 

"Niall needed to learn that he was strong. He might not have felt like it but by sticking by you for as long as he did he proved it. He proved how strong he really was, but he also needed to get away Harry. Niall needed to leave the situation behind so that he could heal. It may have been over and done for you and yes it probably hurts you to think about what you said but it's nothing in comparison to what he felt. Niall loved you and so he stayed, but what he needed was to leave. You didn't need to be away from him to heal because he wasn't the problem, but in his case you were the problem. So him leaving, though it may hurt, it needed to happen."

 

I paused then, walking slowly towards them, my heart pounding a bit faster than usual in my chest. This wasn't something I usually said to people. I tried not to meddle I just tried to get them to talk, that was my job, but this was new. This was a completely foreign territory.

 

"It doesn't have to be over Harry, he needs space, and a bit of time but once he's got it there's still hope. You just have to figure out how to prove to him that you've changed. You need to show Niall that what you did back then will never happen again. It doesn't matter how many times you tell him that, because sometimes actions really do speak louder than words, and you need to show him that. You need to show him things are different, you're different."

 

"How do... how do you know that?"

 

I sighed, running my hands down my legs in an attempt to rid myself of the accumulated sweat. I had to chose my words carefully and that precisely what I was trying to do. Harry needed to hear certain things, and he needed to hear them in the perfect way otherwise he was liable to flip out, or shut down and either one of those would do nothing to hep the current situation at hand. The fact that Harry was desperate was giving me the upper hand, I just had to use it accordingly.

 

"I've talked to Niall outside of our sessions." I shrugged my shoulders a bit. "We talked, and we talked about you half the time and you could hear it in his voice Harry. He wanted to forgive and hell, maybe he already had but he was still have trouble with trusting you. It's that trust that you need to reestablish, so just try alright? Niall loves you Harry, he really truly does he's just confused and hurt and when we aren't ourselves we don't always act in character."

 

Harry cocked his head to the side and stared at me questioningly for a moment before he slowly nodded his head. It was almost like the fire that had burned out in him had sparked once more with the prospect of hope. Harry had some hope left in him and that's all he would need. He could do it as long as he didn't loose faith.

 

"Thanks Zayn, I just... thanks for being such a good mate and I just... thanks."

 

I just laughed a bit smiled lightly at him. "It's no problem. I have to admit, I prefer being your mate to your therapist. It's damn hard work trying to refrain from rolling my eyes all the time, let me tell you."

 

"You roll your eyes at us?" Louis asked in mock offense.

 

"Mate, have you been around you? I swear there were some times where I just wanted to get up out of my seat and slap the four of you for being so blind to the love that obviously existed between all of you. I'm not even just talking about you and Liam, or Harry and Niall. I swear I've never seen such close friendships in my life."

 

"Oi! I'd like to think we'd pretty bloody close you wanker." Ed shouted from the kitchen, a half a doughnut hanging out of his mouth. I had no idea when he'd taken the box out of my hands but it seemed he'd found them a good enough peace offering for being so late.

 

"Yeah, but you're so... you, ya know?" I shrugged a bit.

 

"No, I bloody don't know. Are you trying to get kicked out or is this just a result of the early morning phone call? Because honestly, I could not figure this situation out for myself if I died trying. It was painful just listening to the poor saps, but fixing them? That's what we have you for."

 

"Speaking of, how did they end up over here?" I frowned at bit glancing back at Harry, Liam and Louis to find Louis looking rather sheepish, and Harry blushing beyond belief while Liam simply rolled his eyes.

 

"Harry barged into Ed's flat by accident, his eyes were a bit out of focus apparently. Are you sure you don't need glasses?" Louis said off handed, staring intently at Harry's eyes as he did so.

 

"No, I do not need glasses, thank you very much."

 

"Yeah, well Louis decided then that since Harry had already made his way into Ed's flat that he would just follow right behind him, and made themselves comfortable in Ed's living room. In Harry's defense though, he didn't realize where we were until Ed called you and by then he was beyond horrified at what he'd done, but it was really too late to move then anyways so we just stayed put." Liam shrugged, Harry blushed some more and Louis laughed at the both of them.

 

It was amazing to watch Louis and Liam reacting. Compared to what I'd seen the first time they came into a session it was like night and day. They were so relaxed around each other, and smiles fell from their faces almost as easily as breathing. They were even standing beside each other shoulders brushing together and fingers touching every now and again. It was always amazing to see how things turned out with couples who were having problems, and when they took the path that Louis and Liam had gotten to it was honestly so refreshing, not to mention rewarding. They were doing better and I was so proud of both of them.

 

"So are you two done with your sessions as well? I don't really seem much more that we can work through that you two can't do yourselves. I mean phase two is all about you two fixing each other with no work from me anyways, so you really don't need to. You've already come quite a ways and it's rather significant." I smiled and Louis smiled right back at me.

 

"Really? So you're saying we're cured?!"

 

"What? We didn't have a disease Lou."

 

"Says you, I'm pretty sure we just caught some type of relationship bug and it messed things up for us. That's the only reasonable explanation really."

 

"Oh yes, that's so reasonable. Why didn't I think of that before?"

 

"I don't know Li, why didn't you?"

 

I laughed while the two of them went at it and just sighed in relief. Things with Liam were still being worked out, but as for Liam and Louis, they'd be fine. Now the only thing left to do was watch and see what Harry would do to prove himself to Niall. I had faith in him though, and if he was as determined as he seemed, I knew he'd find a way.

 

The best ones always did.


	37. Back Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The House That Built Me by Miranda Lambert

**Niall's POV**

 

"You know Niall, I'm happy that you're back and everything but son, you can't go on pretending nothing's wrong. If you don't want to tell me, that's alright but at least talk to you Ma. Hell even Greg or Denise, but just tell someone what's wrong." Dad was looking so concerned as he stood in kitchen doorway his eyes intent on me.

 

"Dad, it's not that--nothing's really wrong per se it's just... " I sighed again, and this time he moved forward sitting across from me easily and nodding me on. "Harry."

 

This time he frowned and shook his head a bit before reaching for a cup and pouring himself a cup of coffee. I watched him go about his usual routine, sugar, milk, whiskey, before he stirred the entire thing together and I couldn't help but think of the last time I went to go and make myself tea at home. It had all just come out of nowhere, but it had been building for months. I just had to get it out was all, I just needed to scream and shout and let it all out. I lost my focus and my control simply flew out the window.

 

"Now Niall, I know how you feel about Harry, I've never seen two people closer in my life, but that doesn't explain this right here." He pointed down at the table, his face the mirror image of disappointment. "Don't get me wrong, I love getting to see you kid but I don't like being your excuse either. This isn't some runaway port that you can high tail it to whenever you get scared. You have to face your problems. Niall, you don't often face your problems."

 

"Are you fucking kidding me? I've been facing my Goddamn problems for months Dad, and what did that get me? It got me nowhere. I love Harry, I forgave Harry but I don't fucking trust him!"

 

It seemed I'd still yet to get control of my emotions. I was blowing up at the top of a hat. Dad didn't deserve it, he really didn't but then again he was the one who opened up the can of worms in a sense. There was only so long you could go on with people telling you things were you fault before you just loose it, and I'd more than lost it. I'd simply left everything behind, I didn't say goodbye to Harry, I went to my room after our fight and then left as soon as I'd picked a flight, Harry was nowhere in sight so I didn't even bother with it. I'd told him where I was going.

 

Louis was another story. I'd called him from the airport and woken him up, but after I'd explained the situation he'd been a sport about it. He got it, and no one else seemed to understand what I needed. I didn't have to come up with words for Louis, he just simply understood that some things you can't fix while your in the middle of it, so I was taking a step back. I just needed some distance to clear my head and yet here I was and I'd still yet to clear anything.

 

"Niall, son calm down, I'm not blaming you for anything. I just wanted you to talk about it. You have a nasty habit of letting things go and not discussing them and in the end that hurts you more than it will ever hurt anyone else if you just talked about it."

 

I lowered my head, a big of shame rolling over me as he spoke. I knew he was right, him and Ma had talked about it more than once but I didn't like to dwell on those thoughts. I was usually a very positive person and I didn't let the negative feelings of others affect me, but now all I was doing was letting the negative things take over my life.

 

"Dad, I just--sometimes I don't even know where to start. It's like there is so much sitting inside that needs to come out and I don't know where to begin so I just don't. I'm not sure what to say and usually I can just brush things off, they don't bother me. I'm not easily hurt, I never have been but when he--I love him. I love him more than I've loved anyone, and he said things that would normally just roll off my shoulders but Harry's words... they stuck. Harry's words were laced with a glue or something because they hit and they remained and I couldn't just brush it off. Maybe if it had happened right after the wedding but he'd been slowly breaking me down the entire time and I just didn't know how to brush it off anymore because he hurt me."

 

"Niall, you shouldn't brush that off, what he didn't isn't right and you shouldn't brush it off but after a time you have to just... let it go. You have to stop dwelling on it because it's in the past and you can't hold someone's past actions against them forever. People are not their mistakes their mistakes are what they learn from, and Harry learned from that, you know he did."

 

A tense silence settled over us as I tried to remember all the things that had changed because of what Harry did. He'd started to tell me he loved me more. He used to hold those three words close to his chest and only ever let them out every now and again, but ever since he did that he'd just sort of let go of that fear. It was like it no longer mattered, not if he lost me because of it. I'd seen him struggling the entire time, we both were but I hated seeing him like that, and I can only imagine how he felt seeing me like that, it's part of the reason why I avoided him. I didn't like to cause Harry any unnecessary pain and that was exactly what I'd been doing.

 

I hated hurting him more than anything.

 

"Dad, that's the thing though, I have let it go. I don't hold it against him, I forgave him and yet it was like there was this wall still blocking us from each other and I'm not even sure what it is. I can't explain to Harry what I need if I don't even know it myself and so I've thought it over. I've thought about it a thousand times, and because keep reliving it I can't forget it, not really. Like I have to though, because I keep trying to figure it out, and I can't Dad. I've made no progress so I just sort of lost it."

 

Dad watched me for a minute, before he took another sip of his coffee and sighed. "Niall, you've already said it."

 

"I--what?"

 

"Niall don't you remember what you said?" I just shook my head not really getting where he was going with this. "You said you don't trust him, and that right there is the problem. You don't need to relive the past to figure that out, you already have. You need to trust Harry again before you can move on and past it, together at least."

 

"But..." He nodded his head encouraging me to continue. "How do I do that?"

 

Dad just shook his head. "You don't do anything, Harry does."

 

*+*+*+*

 

"Theo, look who's here!" Denise yelled as I entered the house.

 

I'd stopped off at Dad's first because he was closest to the airport, but now I was finally going to see Mum and Greg and everyone else. I hadn't been home in about six months or so, owning your own restaurant can be quite the stressful situation, especially when you and the cook are going through some relationship struggles. I hadn't really gone into the kitchen much since my fall out with Harry, but it wasn't like he was the only cook on staff so I managed, or well--we did.

 

"It's Uncle Niall!" Greg yelled, his smile bright and wide as he jogged over towards me, leaving his toddling son in the dust. "Nialler, it's been way too long since you've been home."

 

I was pulled into a tight hug as Greg slammed into me. I just laughed it off and hugged him back. The last time I'd talked to him had been months ago, though at the time the conversation had been a bit of a downer seeing as I had to explain to everyone my fallout with Harry and why he wasn't coming to ours for Christmas, then of course I ended up not being able to make it as well so really they were all for nothing.

 

"Aye, I didn't mean to take this long but life just gets in the way sometimes." I shrugged as he let me go, but Greg was having none of that.

 

"You couldn't even come down when Louis was playing, now talk about a low blow. I swear it was like you'd forgotten about us or something."

 

"Oi--shut up. I did no such thing, now move your fat arse and let me say hello to my nephew!" I shoved Greg out of the way and ran up to Theo who was still toddling his way over to us and running into everything in his path. "Theo my boy, it's been forever!"

 

I played with Theo for a good thirty minutes before Mum finally came home, and when she did the hugs just started all over again. She refused to let me out of her sight and made me sit in the kitchen while she made dinner. She did scold me for not telling her she was coming earlier so that she could make my favorite meal but I just brushed her off, he company was way more than enough as it was.

 

"So Niall, what's going on?"

 

I rolled my eyes, trying to keep the surprise out of my expression, she'd always known more then I thought she did. It was like mother's intuition or something, because that was honestly the only explanation for how she knew something was wrong. Though I guess a surprise out of the blue visit really was more of a tell than anything else.

 

"I just needed to get away for a while is all. It's nothing bad, I swear." I shrugged but she didn't buy it, not for one damn second.

 

"Oh Niall, don't give me that shit, I know when you're lying just like I know when Greg is sneaking a cookie before dinner. He may be a grown man but he still tries to get away with those things, I think it makes him feel young or something." I just laughed at that, while Ma smiled lovinly down at me.

 

She had always been the best person to be around when you needed cheering up. She even used to cheer Louis up when we were younger, and not that it was hard to do but it was like he forgot about all the problems back at home when he came over. His life was what a life of a teenager should be and that's one of the reasons he came over so much, that and Ma made enough food to feed an army, not that I was complaining. A growing boy needs to eat, and what's better than home cooking?

 

"Anyways, there's more reason to your visit than an escape and you know it." He sent me a pointed look before turning back to the stove. "Did your Da help you with anything while you were over there?"

 

"Aye, he was actually rather insightful." I said, the shock obvious in my tone, but Ma just tutted at me, shaking her head slightly. "It's like you forget that you're our boy or something. We should know better than anyone else what is going on with you Niall. The fact that you haven't figured that out by now is a bit sad sweetie."

 

"Oh come off it!" I laughed, and she just shook her head again.

 

"Look at you, speaking like an Englishman again. I swear you spend so much time over there, you need to come home more often."

 

"I know Ma, it's just things are so busy with work, and I haven't had time." She just waved me off.

 

"You don't need to tell me Niall, I know you've been busy. I don't hold it against you, I'm glad things are going so well at the restaurant. I wouldn't want it any other way, I just wish I got to see you more." I could hear the waver in her voice and it hurt my heart to hear her said.

 

"I wish I got to see you more as well Ma."

 

She smiled sadly at me, before turning back to her work, and continuing on with the meal. A comfortable silence settled around us. It was days like this that I missed, these moments at home where I could sit down and listen to the sound of Ma cooking and Greg and Denise and Theo in the other room. It was simple things, things that reminded me of home.

 

"So Niall," Ma started, pulling us from our own thoughts. "What's brought you home this time?"

 

"Harry."

 

She laughed at that, and I just frowned. "It's always Harry isn't it? I swear I've never seen you so intertwined with another person in my entire life. It's beautiful to see, but my goodness dear, you two just don't seem to see what the rest of the world sees."

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"Niall, you don't get to see the love that lives between the two of you because you are in the middle. You only know what you feel and what the other tells you but you see, we see the entire thing and I know baby, just as your father, your brother, and even Louis know, that you'll figure it out." She was smiling at me, so sweetly that I couldn't hold it back any longer, my words just came fumbling out of my mouth.

 

"I broke up with him."

 

To say she was shocked, well that would have been a lie, but to say she was sad, that was another thing entirely. She looked so sad, like I'd just told her I'd never be coming home again and it broke my heart. It really did, and after a moment I simply had to look away.

 

"Niall, Niall don't do that, don't shut me out sweetheart. Talk to me, tell me what happened." I glanced up to find her looking at me with a small smile on her face and I just sighed.

 

"I forgave him but I just... I didn't trust him anymore I guess." I shrugged but then I decided to just get it all out in the open. "I love him, but I felt suffocated there so I needed to get away for a while and for some reason I decided to break up with him instead of just asking for a bit of space. I just needed to distant myself from our flat. Louis had started referring to it as the freezer and yet that was putting it nicely. It was like it was haunted with all of our horrible memories and I hated it, and I was over thinking because I couldn't figure out why I was still having problems with Harry so I kept replaying that night in my head and it all became too much Ma and I just let it all out and I told Harry--I ended things."

 

It hurt to speak the words out loud but with every word I spoke it was like I was freeing myself as well. I was getting it all out in the open and being so far away from it really was helping. I was smiling more easily and laughing again. I wasn't worried about going home and hiding away in my room because I couldn't think of anything to say to Harry, I wasn't worried about anything, I was just with my family and happy about it.

 

"Alright, well do you want to be broken up with him?"

 

"No, I really don't but I couldn't think of anything else. It was like all I knew was that I needed to get out for a while and now I just want to go back but if I go back nothing will have changed." It was frustrating, so unbelievably frustrating to be stuck in a rut like this. I needed to trust Harry but I couldn't figure out how to go that again.

 

"Honey, you can't be so negative about it all. You can go back, after you stay a few days of course, and maybe stay with Liam or Louis for a while, but maybe being away from Harry will help put things into perspective. And never ever say things won't have changed, you have to give people the benefit of the doubt otherwise you just turn bitter. Life is meaningless if you don't have faith in people, especially those that you love."

 

"You think it will help then?"

 

She nodded, and a real smile finally made it's way onto her face. "Honey, time and space give people the tools to realize what it is they had and what it is they want. Harry wants you, and he didn't need space to realize that, he needed a slap in the face, but maybe he needed you to leave so that he could figure out what to do to get you to stay. Don't give up on the two of you just yet, you only need to be patient. People can always surprise you, ever the people you love--especially the people you love."

 

I smiled then, a laugh making it's way out of my mouth as I thought about it. It all seemed so simple now that I was away from it. Every little thing seemed like a problem easily fixed, and it just made me appreciate being home even more, there was only one thing missing.

 

A person to share this feeling with, and he was a long ways away.


	38. Introducing You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to my Life by Simple Plan

**Louis' POV**

 

"Lou? What are we doing?" Liam asked. "Better yet, where are we?"

 

I sighed, still not answering him as he pestered me from the passenger seat. We'd been talking more and more about our pasts lately and for some reason I felt like I owed Liam. I owed him a view into my past and so I was going to show him. I was a bit nervous, not really sure how things were going to go for us. It wasn't like I could predict the reactions from anybody really, this was completely new territory but I was giving it a go. I was going to try my hardest to let Liam into every part of me so that maybe it would make things easier for him to let me in as well.

 

I knew it was still hard for him to open up, but he was doing it, he was doing it and I was the happiest I'd ever been. We were both getting closer, and slowly we were building back up to a relationship. We'd gone on a couple of dates and kissed a couple of times, but we were taking things slow and I was alright with that. If we had to take things slow to be able to be better together that was alright. I was fine with anything as long as I got to have Liam, and he seemed to be on the same exact page as me.

 

"Louis, honestly though, what is going on?" I could hear the slight quiver to his voice, and it was only then that I realized my silence on the matter had started to freak him out.

 

It made sense really, I wasn't usually one to shut up.

 

"I'm just trying to show you something, and I thought a spur of the moment visit would be better than anything. If I called ahead they could have made plans and been out, or planned all these horrible things to do to me. Since I didn't call, we get the honest to God truth, which is a little scary in and of itself, but that's alright. I've been psyching myself up for this for a while now. It was only a matter of time before things finally came to a head."

 

I was rambling, and probably making no sense whatsoever to Liam but it couldn't be helped, my emotions were all over the place and my heart was about ready to beat out of my chest. Facing your past is fucking hard, I'm sorry I hadn't given Liam more credit. I needed to work on that.

 

"Alright Louis, that didn't tell me anything. Just breathe in and out." I did as he instructed, before making a right turn, the last right turn before it was all over. "Alright now, can you tell me what's going on?"

 

I shook my head a bit as I parked at the curb. "We're in Doncaster."

 

"Right." Liam nodded his head sensibly. He was very sensible. I think I loved that about him, he took what I said and ran with it, at least in the best way he could. "Why are we in Doncaster again?"

 

I smiled at that, small as it may be I did smile. Liam made me smile, and apparently he also made me a little irrational seeing as I couldn't stop myself from leaning across the car and kissing him. He kissed me back and there wasn't a single ounce of hesitation. He just went with me, and I kissed him gently because of it, bringing my hands up to his face and holding onto the only person who managed to anchor me to this world. Niall may have been my ship keeping me afloat, but Liam was the anchor that kept me grounded and in place.

 

"Lou, what's the matter?" Liam whispered, his lips gliding across mine with each word. He had his forehead resting on mine and was simply staring at me with those brown eyes that made everything alright.

 

Liam was here, and as long as he was here no one could hurt me, not even them.

 

"I'm trying to show you who I was... and this was the only place I knew where to start at." I sighed, closing my eyes and just basking in the feel of Liam's arms' resting at the base of my neck. His fingers were tangled in my hair, scratching at the base of my neck in the most comforting of ways.

 

"And this place would be?" He inquired, his breath fanning over my face and filling me with a sense of peace, or at least calming me enough to pull away from him and exit the car. I came around to open his door for him as well while he simply studied me.

 

"Doncaster." I shrugged my shoulders, being purposefully vague but it couldn't be helped, or I guess it could have if I was anyone else, but alas, I wasn't.

 

Niall always called me dramatic, I think he was overstating things a bit.

 

"You're being obtuse." Liam frowned and I just frowned at that.

 

"What? I am not." I so was.

 

"Don't even try that Lou, you're easier to read than a book when you're hiding something."

 

This was good, this bickering was distracting me, if only slightly, from where we were currently walking. It was ten steps away and I wasn't ready for what was waiting on the other side of that door, I wondered if I ever would be honestly.

 

"I'm not hiding anything."

 

"You are too! Your voice just cracked. Louis your voice cracked suspiciously." He narrowed his eyes at me and I couldn't help but laugh, my hand automatically reaching for the doorbell.

 

"How does a voice crack suspiciously?" I pressed the doorbell.

 

"The same way your eyes widen when you're lost and don't feel like admitting to it, or the way that your hands will tighten into tight little fists when someone is annoying the hell out of you. Or the same exact way that Niall can always manage to get you to laugh your ass off even when you're on your man period."

 

"I don't have a man-period." I stuck my tongue out at him at the exact moment the door opened to reveal a young girl, or really a young woman but I would have recognized her anywhere, she still looked like the girl she used to be.

 

It'd been way too long since I'd last seen her apparently.

 

"Louis?" This time her voice cracked, and of course I did what I do best--I stuck my foot in my mouth.

 

"See Liam? Did that sound suspicious to you?"

 

It seemed that Lottie wasn't exactly the small child she was when I left and never came back, she'd certainly grown into a young woman and it was blowing my mind. Though the pain that was starting to spread through my body at the thought of the last time I'd seen her vanished almost immediately as she flung herself into my arms.

 

"Louis! Oh my God, I thought--I swear to God I never in a million years--how? Why now?! It's been so long and I've--we've missed you!" She was sobbing into my neck and I simply encircled her in my arms, my chest aching heavily with guilt.

 

It wasn't just Mum and her prejudices I'd left behind when I walked out, the girls were affect by it as well. My little sisters were too young to really understand the severity of Mum and I's last fight. We fought all the time, but that last one... that crossed a line that should have never been touched and we were each affected by it in our own ways. Of course, my family picking up and moving to Doncaster after a few months was more than enough hurt to bury all the thoughts of my childhood away. I only discussed them on the rare occasions when I was smashed out of my mind, and Niall was there to take care of me.

 

It was time that Liam finally got to see this part of me, no matter how shameful it was. Loving someone was about giving all of yourself to them, and this was my version of it. I couldn't ask him to give me all the good and bad parts of his life and not return the favor. I couldn't keep making Liam out to be the bad guy, because he wasn't. Liam was just one part of what went wrong, I was the other part.

 

Now we were both responsible for fixing our mistakes and making sure we never made them again.

 

"Lottie, love I've missed you too but do you think we could come in? It's a bit chilly outside, if you didn't notice and as nice as the doorstep is I'd like to see the house." I gave her one last squeeze before stepping back with a smile.

 

"Oh right, sorry I was just--yeah. Anyways, we?" It seemed that she'd only just noticed Liam standing on the step beside me. "Oh, hi, um--I'm Charlotte, or well Lottie. I'm Lottie."

 

She was blushing profusely and I wanted to be angry with her but all I could manage was a simple eye roll. Liam was quite handsome, I couldn't hold it against her, not really--or well not after not seeing her for about seven years. That's a long time, especially in a child's life. That's exactly what she'd been when I left too, a child.

 

"I'm Liam, it's a pleasure." He smiled, and God damn him and those eyes, I literally saw the moment my little sister lost herself in his smile. Don't worry Lottie, it happens to the best of us.

 

"Oh my God, Liam Payne! Oh shit--sorry--you--I know who you are. Oh my God, so the papers really weren't lying? You really do date my dick for brains of a brother?"

 

I don't know why I was so taken off guard by that, but I think it had something to do with the fact that she knew about Liam. She knew about me, and no matter how long it had been nothing could have made me feel more special than the knowledge that my sister kept up with me, even if only in passing.

 

"Uh, yeah." Liam chuckled at that, rubbing the back of his neck with a shy smile. "I do, but I'd say he's pretty damn amazing himself."

 

"Well his footie skills certainly are. I swear Louis when you guys played Manchester last season, you blew us all out of the water. We were so proud." My cheeks heated at that, but when I really caught on to what she was saying everything just stopped for a moment.

 

"Us?"

 

It was a breath, small and awed, but hopeful all the same. She'd said us, and no matter what my mind told me about who the 'us' could have been I couldn't help what my heart wanted. I couldn't stop the feeling that always returned when I came home, no matter how long I'd been gone. I always hoped that this time, this time things were going to change.

 

They never had.

 

Her smile dimmed slightly, but she simply nodded her head before ushering us inside. Some of the furniture was familiar, and I caught sight of a couple of photos hanging on the wall, but otherwise there wasn't much to see as she lead us into the sitting room, or at least what I assumed was the sitting room. It was a bit of a mess, books and papers stacked up all over the place, a decent television was sitting atop the fireplace. Liam and I took a seat upon the light sofa, while Lottie sat down on the armchair opposite us.

 

"So big brother, what brings you here?" Her eyes were wide as if she couldn't fathom why I would ever visit her, almost as if she'd forgotten I was her brother, which was silly seeing as she'd only just referred to me as her brother.

 

"I wanted to introduce you to Liam." I spoke softly, doing my best to keep my thoughts to myself. "He's never met any of you and I thought it was time that he got the chance to meet this side of my family."

 

She frowned at that.

 

"This side? What are you talking about? Did he already meet your Dad?" She looked hurt at the thought that I'd take Liam to meet Dad before I'd introduce him to her.

 

"Uh no, I was talking about Niall, Maura, Greg and all them." I laughed at bit, but it seemed like what I said left a sour taste in her mouth as she screwed up her face in disgust.

 

"They're not your family." Her voice was hard, as were her eyes and suddenly I didn't recognize her. "Mum said they're the rude ass Irish folk she couldn't wait to leave behind. She said you chose them over us. Your friend over your blood."

 

And suddenly the atmosphere changed, and everything about being home came back like a whip to my back. It seemed Mum still hadn't forgiven me for leaving to live with the Horans, even if she had been the one to initiate it. She knew what it was like for me, but she'd never cared, apparently she still didn't.

 

"They're anything but rude, don't talk about them like that Charlotte." My voice was like steel, the iron weight that had settled in my chest only manageable with Liam's hand laying atop mine.

 

She simply scoffed. "Whatever Louis."

 

It was silent for a moment and only then did I realize there was quite the absence of shuffling feet and screaming. It seemed Lottie was the only one home. I don't know why I only just noticed this fact, but now it seemed so strange. When I'd left she would have never in a million years been allowed to stay home alone, and now she was answering the door when it was just her here without a care in the world.

 

God, how things change.

 

"Where is everyone?"

 

It seemed that that question was rather irrelevant as the front door slammed open just then, and all the noise that had been missing from the house seemed to return tenfold. I could hear Daisy and Phoebe screaming about one thing or another, giggles escaping their mouths every now and then. Fizzy seemed to be having some serious conversation or other with Mum, who had her arms full with two babies, one resting on each hip.

 

"Fizzy, stop complaining. I said no, and that's final." She shook her head a bit, and then it was like everything stopped. Her eyes locked with mine, and all the noise that seemed to be present everywhere only moments ago disappeared. The silence was more than I expected and had it not been for Liam I would have walked out right then and there, but I couldn't do that. I had to stay, I had to show him how staying and facing your problems was the right thing to do, no matter how scary the outcome could be.

 

This outcome wasn't looking very good.

 

"Louis?" Fizzy exclaimed, her mouth dropping open, as both Daisy and Phoebe ran over to me, tackling me in a hug to end all hugs.

 

"Louis!" They squealed and hung onto me with everything they had in them, and I simply held them just as tightly. "Oh my God, you brought Liam! I knew he'd come! Didn't I tell you that Lottie? I told you he'd come and visit us one day."

 

Daisy sounded so sure of herself it made my heart ache. How someone so small could have such unadulterated faith in me was mind boggling. I'd been gone for so long the fact that they even remembered me was a miracle, but their faith? God, that was more than anything I could have hoped for.

 

"Yeah, you did." Lottie smiled, a bit but there was something else in her smile, something so sad. Maybe she once had the same faith in me, but it seemed hers had run out years ago.

 

"Why are you here? Why now?" Fizzy asked, speaking the first time since she'd uttered my name and then I was standing up, the twins hugging each of my legs tightly in their little arms.

 

"I wanted to introduce you all to Liam. I wanted him to meet you guys." It was as much truth as I could give them without telling them the entire thing, but it was enough. They didn't need to worry about my relationship troubles, it wasn't important.

 

"Leave."

 

My heart dropped out of my chest as Mum finally broke her vow of silence towards me. It was the exact thing she'd said to me the last time we'd spoken, and her tone hadn't changed one bit. My heart twisted in my chest at that.

 

She hadn't changed, the years hadn't done anything to soften her heart towards me, if anything it seemed to only harden her more.

 

"Mum--"

 

"Leave, Louis, just get out. I don't want you here." She took a deep breath, before continuing on. "We don't want you here."

 

If I thought nothing she ever said could hurt me, not anymore, I was wrong. I was very wrong.

 

"What do you mean we?" Fizzy asked, her voice rising above that of Mum's, only this time it was laced with anger. "Who the fuck is we?"

 

"Language." Mum demanded, ignoring her question completely but Fizzy only scoffed, stepping away from her.

 

"Don't even start that." She growled, her tone returning to the same low and fierce one she'd been using when she'd come inside. "You don't speak for me, you don't speak for Lottie, you don't speak for the twins. We aren't you, and just because you're holding Louis' decisions against him, doesn't mean we do. I happen to want him here. I don't give a shit what you want."

 

"This is my house, and you God damn will give a shit what I want young lady."

 

"Stop with the bullshit Mum." This time it was Lottie who stood up, and I just took a step back, my back colliding with Liam's chest as we watched the girls take my Mum on, figuratively of course. I was completely mesmerized by the scene in front of me. They were standing up for me, the last time Mum had kicked me out they were sobbing their eyes out, but now they were defending me.

 

It was amazing.

 

"You want him here just as much as the rest of us." Fizzy added.

 

"What I want is for him, and his friend to get the hell out of my house." She glanced over at Liam, and the look she was sending him was so distasteful I could feel him tense up behind me.

 

Mum had just sent him a look, my birth mother had just made Liam feel like he was less. She'd just done exactly what he had taken on for an entire year of school. Something snapped in me then. It was like she'd simply hit a button in my brain and all of a sudden I wasn't seeing my Mum, but instead Andy standing over Liam and calling him a fag. I pictured all those days where Liam had to simply endure. The thought of him going through that was still a white hot flash of pain, but it also made me see red, and I couldn't go back and do anything about those boys who bullied Liam, but this--this was my Mum.

 

She wasn't allowed to make him feel like nothing. She wasn't allowed to make him feel like dirt, no one was, especially while I was around.

 

"Don't even start." I growled. "You can say whatever the fucking hell you want about me, and I'll take it. I don't care, I don't care if you kick me out again. You've done it before, it's not like I'm not used to it, but don't you dare use that tone of voice on Liam. He hasn't done anything to you. If anything he's taken a mess that you've made and slowly put the pieces back together. Liam is as close to a saint as I'm gonna get. You have no right. You want us gone? Fine, we'll leave. I'm not going to sit here and argue with you, I'm not going to put my sisters through that, and I refuse to put Liam through it, but if I leave Mum--I won't come back."

 

I took a deep breath and turned around to face Liam. His face was still rigid but his eyes were open. He wasn't hiding himself from me and I could see the impact that my Mum's words had on him, and they weren't good. I was ashamed of her, no matter how small her jab had been it'd still been a jab and I just couldn't understand why she was so against seeing me happy. I couldn't understand why she couldn't just love me because I was her son. I didn't understand her. I never had, not once.

 

"Liam, you ready to go?"

 

"You think I want you to come back?" Mum spat, her words coming out before Liam could answer me, but he simply reached down and took my hand in his, squeezing it gently.

 

"Honestly?" I asked, sighing as I did so before running my free hand over my face. "I don't know, probably not. I know you don't approve of my choices. I know you hate me for going to live with the Horans. I know you think that you did everything for me and I just threw it back in your face. I know you're my Mum and that you should love me, but I often doubt you do. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm not welcome in your life, but I was hoping maybe you'd thought it over. I was hoping you'd changed. I was hoping you'd found some place in your heart to love me, but I can see I was wrong."

 

Tears pricked at my eyes but I refused to let them fall. I didn't want my sisters last memory of me to be one with tears running down my cheeks.

 

"I love you Mum, but I know that's a little to much to ask for in return, and so I stay away. I hope that one day I'll be out on the field and I'll see you in the stands beside Liam and Niall and his family. I always hold out hope to find you there and that you'll say you're sorry for everything or maybe you won't. Maybe you won't apologize, and even though that's not alright, I'd still take it. I just--I wanted you to show me you loved me. I wanted you to love me like Maura loves me, that's all."

 

She didn't say anything to that, but her face was set in such a way that I knew she'd heard me. She may not be willing to respond but something I said settled into her head and that's all I could ask for. I just wanted her to think about it, to think about me for once in her life.

 

"It was lovely to see you girls again." I smiled down at the twins who were, sadly enough, crying into my legs. "I'll miss you."

 

I leaned down and kissed them both. I somehow managed to pry their little arms off of me before I moved over towards Lottie, who's eyes were moist but she was refusing to let any fall. I gave her a tight hug, before slowly moving onto Fizzy. Her eyes were trained on me, and I simply smiled lightly at her, to which she struggled to return, the weight of the situation was obviously hanging over her head.

 

"I love you." I whispered in her ear as I gave her a hug as well.

 

Then, with a tense silence settled in the air, I grabbed Liam's hand and walked out the front door, closing it tightly behind me.

 

As soon as the door was closed, the tears started to fall. Liam had to lead me back to the car, my eyes too blurry to find it by myself. I wasn't sure what I was doing, all I know was that I had just ripped open a wound that had never really healed and I'd only seemed to have made things worse. I should have just left them alone. I should have taken Liam to my favorite restaurant like a normal person, not my dysfunctional family.

 

Of course Liam didn't see things the same way I did.

 

"Thank you."

 

I sputtered about at that one, his hand encircling mine and holding it tightly in his, locking our fingers together as he started driving back to London. I had no idea what he was thanking me for, but I let it pass for now. At the moment the only thing I could manage was to let the tears fall and breathe. I couldn't have managed to discuss the entire set of events that only just took place. Liam didn't push it, thankfully, and instead he gave me the entire ride back to London in silence. I stewed in my thoughts and feelings and slowly managed to piece myself back together. I was prepared to discuss the entire ordeal with him when we got back, he deserved that much.

 

It didn't take too long before Liam was once again grabbing my hand and leading me up the stairs to his flat. I was glad he hadn't taken me to our old one, I don't think I could have handled those memories flashing through my head at the moment. I needed something new and untainted by the past and even though Liam's flat represented the outcome of our mistakes, it wasn't filled with them.

 

"Do you want a cuppa?" Liam offered as we stepped inside, I simply nodded my head and he walked into the kitchen with me right on his heals.

 

He made each of us cups in silence, but unlike earlier at Mum's place, this silence was peaceful. This silence was much more than alright, it was perfect and warm. It was inviting and loving and I could feel the lump starting to form in my throat again, except this time it was from joy. I could have cried in happiness because Liam was loving me in the exact way I'd always wanted and needed to be loved.

 

"Here you go Lou." Liam settled my cup in front of me and I sipped it slowly, burning my tongue in the process but I couldn't have been bothered to care.

 

After a while of sitting there sipping our teas, Liam made his move. His hand came down to settle atop of mine and his eyes softened as he watched me with a careful gaze as if he thought I would fall apart just like that.

 

"Can we lay down?" I requested, my voice raw from lack of speaking and the sobs that had only stopped an hour before.

 

"Of course we can." Liam replied, taking my hand in his and leading us into his bedroom.

 

It was clean and tidy, but there were piles of clothes in the corner of the room, and his bed was wrinkled up a bit, but I didn't mind. It looked lived in, and smelled like Liam. It smelled like Liam which meant it smelled like home.

 

Liam was my home.

 

"Do you want to talk about it? We don't have to if you don't..." Liam asked as we settled onto his bed.

 

I was snuggled into his side, my head resting on his chest as his arms encircled me. I sighed and brought my hand up to tangle with his. Liam was a comforting presence and I just knew that if I was to open up to anybody, then Liam was the person to do it with.

 

"No, no it's alright." I croaked, my voice cracking a bit but this time Liam didn't make comment on it, unlike earlier. "I already told you about my past in that one session. It's just--I didn't exactly come through about how long it had been. I mean, I don't really remember what I said now but Liam going home for me has always been going to Niall's. Before I met Niall I didn't have a home to go to, I had a house, but not a home. Niall and Maura, Bobby and Greg, they gave me a home and I loved them just as I would my own family because of it."

 

Liam nodded his head at that, and I just shook mine a bit to help clear my mind.

 

"Mum heard that I was living with the Horans and things became a thousand times worse, she kicked me out already but I'd still been coming by to see my sisters, making sure to avoid Mum at all costs, but when she found out that Niall was gay--she snapped. It was like I'd just crossed a line for her, and she demanded that I return home right then and there. I asked her why and she told me she wasn't going to have me corrupted by some fag. She called Niall a fag Liam, and that pissed me off so God damn much because not only was insulting one of the best people I'd come to know, but if she was calling him a fag then she was calling me one as well. I told her that and she just--she lost it. She went off on me and said so many words that were hurtful and ugly and I just--I stood there. I knew she was angry with me but I'd never once in my life seen her loose it like that. After she had her say, with all my sisters crying their eyes out she told me to leave."

 

I closed my eyes, the memory still just as fresh in my mind.

 

"She couldn't even look me in the eye as she did that. It was like--it was like I wasn't even there and I just did. I left and I haven't really seen her in seven years. I've seen pieces of her, I've tried my best to avoid her. It wasn't hard to do when she picked up and moved away from Ireland and to Doncaster, but when I moved out here things became a little more hard. Fizzy still texts me every now and then, and even Lottie will message me once in a blue moon but I haven't gone to see them until today."

 

"Why did you?" Liam was looking at me with some sort of awe and I couldn't have stopped the blush that took over my face if I had tried.

 

"You deserved to see where I came from, and I did want you to meet the girls. No matter how much I see of them, or how much my Mum despises me, I still wanted them to meet you because I love you." I smiled a little at that, and Liam simply stared at me.

 

"You went through all of that just so I could meet them?"

 

"Well I mean, you deserved to Liam. I want to know every part of you it's only fair that I return the--" I was cut off by Liam's lips, and slowly everything else fell away.

 

All the pain of seeing my family again, all the hurt that came bubbling to the surface just fell away as Liam kissed me. He rolled over, hovering over me, but never once did he break contact with my lips. It wasn't until we were both dying for breath that we finally broke apart, but he was still staring at me and I couldn't help but stare back, mesmerized by this man so entirely.

 

"I love you Louis, I have for a very long time, and I always will." I smiled shyly at that, as Liam kissed me once more, and slowly but surely we found ourselves back to the way things used to be.

 

Liam showed me just how much he loved me, and I did the same.


	39. Back In Town

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Song: Lost Stars by Adam Levine

**Niall's POV**

 

"So you're really back then?"

 

"I said I was coming back."

 

"Yeah, but I wasn't sure... I mean you just picked up and left Niall. You didn't even tell me goodbye, let alone text me. I have to find out that you left from fucking Harry. I'll admit, it hurt mate."

 

I sighed, running my hands through my hair in frustration. He was right of course, I should have at least had the deceny to tell Louis goodbye but at the time I was so wrapped up in my mind that I couldn't have thought properly even if I tried. I had to get away and it couldn't wait. Of course that doesn't excuse the fact that I stayed gone for three weeks, but fuck--I'm a coward, or at least I was totally being one.

 

"I bought a flat, the one that Liam was telling me about. All my shit has been moved in and I just... I'm alright now. Like, you know when you're in a situation and all you can see is what's right in front of your face?" Lou nods, though his face is still pulled up into a stern frown. "That's where I've been for the last nine months. I've been stuck in that fucking night and I didn't let it go. I didn't let it go because it was like my safety net you know?"

 

I could see, I could see right away that Louis didn't know. He didn't understand in the least bit what the fuck I was on about, but once your mouth starts running sometimes you can't help but let it go. I was ready to get everything out of my system and Louis was always the perfect person to let it out to.

 

"I don't even know how to explain it Louis, but like--that night was eye opening in the worst of ways and it confirmed all those horrible thoughts that had been in my head since I started that relationship with Harry and--"

 

"Why are you telling me this?"

 

I stopped then, my face scrunching up in confusion, as I stared at Louis like he'd grown another head.

 

"Why wouldn't I tell you this?"

 

Louis sighed, his eyes scanning up and down my body as he simply shrugged his shoulders. It didn't seem like he really knew how to convey to me what he meant by that but he was thinking hard on it, and that was worrisome. I didn't usually have to wait for Louis to think his words through before he was tellling me something, he just went for it. When Louis had to stop and think about it though, that's when it was serious, that's when you knew that whatever was to come out of his mouth would hurt, and he was doing his best to lessen the blow.

 

"Niall, I'm your best mate, and yeah I want you to tell me everything, but there are some things that you should tell other people first. You can tell me anything and I'll listen but I think whatever it is you were going to say to me you should say to Harry first, he's been going out of his fucking mind Ni, and I know you care about that. I know because you're you and when you love someone you don't just stop, and I get that. I know why you left and I think Harry does as well but he needs to see you. Now that you're back he deserves that much mate. So just be patient and tell him, yeah?"

 

"You think he'll want to see me after I just up and walked out three weeks ago?"

 

It was a gamble, there was no way around it. I know that Harry hurt me, and God damn did he, but I've hurt him too. He may have started things off, but I finished things off and the thought of seeing him right now when things were so unsure was honestly just so frightening. I didn't want Harry to think that I was wishy washy, but space had done so much for me. Being away from Harry gave me time to think things through without the constant worry that Harry was going to be hurt by my thoughts, my movements, everything really. I was overthinking every little thing and I was beyond frustrated with myself, God only knows how pissed Harry is at me.

 

We'd made it through so much and after all of that, after everything we'd been through--I ended it.

 

If he wasn't done with me by now, I think he was probably going mental. I wasn't worth all the effort he'd been expending, and if he would have realized that sooner then it sure would have saved us a whole hell of a lot of heartache. He broke my heart and in return I broke his--that was never supposed to happen but God, it hurt. He hurt me and that's the worst of it, Harry hurt me. Harry had, if only for a second, actually thought I was less than enough and that hurt. I don't give a shit about his words, I give a shit about his actions before his words, and those things fucking stung.

 

"Niall, all he's been asking about is you. I'm pretty damn sure that's sign enough that he wants to see you."

 

"He has?"

 

I was a little breathless when I heard that. I'd talked to Zayn quite a bit while I was away--he was actually an alright bloke. He helped me figure out my head and did more than I ever thought he would, plus he'd sort of become a good mate. He was easy to talk to, and he didn't mind talking about himself and Perrie as a way to give me a break from my worries. He's the one that finally seemed to break through my thoughts and helped me to calm the fuck down--his words not mine--and just enjoy my mini holiday away from Harry. It wasn't that I wanted to be away from Harry so much as I wanted to be away from the memory of everything that had happened between the two of us. We had a lot of history and Zayn took my mind off of that, which was more than I could have ever asked for.

 

"Ni, sometimes I think you're too dense for your own good."

 

"What are you on about?" I huffed, as Louis looked at me like I was some sad little orphan boy stranded on a raft in the middle of the ocean.

 

Yes, it was that pathetic.

 

"Harry has proved time and time again that he loves you--yes I know he proved it after everything went down, but when you look at every single thing he's done since the two of you fell out you have to admit--it's a lot." I nodded a bit dropping my eyes to the floor in shame, before glancing back up at him.

 

"Louis, I just--I'm scared. I'm so fucking scared of him, of my feelings for him. I don't even know how to breathe properly because I love him so much and that frightens me. I know he loves me, but sometimes I wonder if he loves the idea of me more than he loves me, you know? Like Jesus, you don't just say shit like that to your boyfriend. You don't just break away from him like he means nothing to you--you don't do that shit." I was shaking, my breathing coming out a bit ragged, but I was holding myself together. My fists were clenched tightly turning my knuckles white from the exertion.

 

"Liam did."

 

"What?"

 

Louis looked down then, biting his lip before he walked closer towards me. We were currently standing outside of Liam's place, Louis exiting just as I was coming over to see them. I'd stopped by Louis' place but apparently he hadn't been spending much time there since I left--fucking sex addict. I wonder if I could have the two of them admitted to a health clinic to cure of them of the disgusting as fuck honeymoon stage that they were repeating. I'd already had to watch them go through this once, I could really have done without a second time. Ugh, and they never covered anything up, Louis was a definite sign of that--a love bite the size of America laying carelessly on his neck for the entire world to see.

 

Disgusting.

 

"Liam left me Niall, and he left me because he was having his own struggles. That's Harry to a T mate. I understand what you're feeling mate, I get it--I've been there."

 

I frowned, never having thought of it like that before but then again--it still wasn't the same.

 

"Liam left you out of the blue, I had Harry right at the edge of my fingertips and I could feel him slipping away, I watched it happen. I sat there and just sort of died a little more inside every single day because of it. I honestly don't know which one is worse Lou. Which one is worse? I at least had a warning that things were most likely going to end for the two of us but you had none. I don't--mate I don't even know how you did that."

 

"It wasn't easy." Louis' voice was small once again, and I just snorted a bit hysterically.

 

"God, I'm sorry Louis. I know you have issues and I'm standing here like my life is ending when you were just up ended out of yours for no reason at all. I such a fucking twat--I'm sorry. I didn't mean to like rain on your parade I just... Louis I don't even know how to explain how I feel anymore. Da said that I was just overextended or something and Mam told me that I wasn't eating enough vegetables."

 

Louis snorted out a real laugh at that one, his smile taking over his face as he stared at me before pulling me in for a hug--one that I needed more than even I knew. Louis was familiar and safe, he was like home or something, and that meant a hell of a lot to me. I loved being back home for so long but there was more than one obvious gap in my life while I was there--Louis was missing too. Louis was such a major part of my life and my familiy that I hardly ever saw them without him anymore and being there without both him and Harry was like hanging a giant neon sign up saying 'Everything's Gone to Shit' or something.

 

"Please tell me you've left the flat more than just to go to work since you two fixed things." I said, as I caught a wiff of cologne that was certainly Liam's lingering on--oh wait yes, that makes more sense--Liam's sweater. Oh God, they were even sharing clothes again. I could have puked right then and there if I wasn't so damn happy for them. They deserved to be with each other--to be happy with each other.

 

"Well, I mean Liam's being doing this like--thing, and he was trying to make sure we got at least seventy-two--"

 

"Fuck, Tommo! I don't want to know the details of your sex life. God damn, spare me the nightmares would you? The one time I caught you guys in the middle of it was more than enough for me, thank you very much." I pulled back as quickly as possible while Louis just smacked me in the head.

 

I'll admit, I needed that.

 

"Oi! I didn't even get to finish mate." Louis was pouting but I felt no remorse whatsoever for making him keep his private life private. It was one thing when we were out shagging random blokes, but knowing Liam as well as I do--it was like thinking of my brothers going at it or something.

 

I shudder at the thought.

 

"Why in the fucking world would I allow you to finish that? My ears were already starting to bleed."

 

"And you call me dramatic." He rolled his eyes at me, while I just stuck out my tongue at him. "As I was saying, Liam has been wanting us to try seventy-two different cupcakes today, and yesterday we listened to seventy-two different love songs, and the day before that we went and took seventy-two different photos of us being cute or having fun together--at the park you filthy minded creature." Louis spat the last park as my nose scrunched up in disgust. "Anyways, so yes we have been getting out and doing things together, in public thank you very much for the confidence Horan."

 

"Well what was I suposed to think Lou? You two have always been the worst when it came to those things. I swear for the first year you two were together I was convinced you were sex addicts or something."

 

"Well we are a bit--but can you blame me? Liam is fucking fit."

 

And off he goes.

 

I had to stand there and listen to Louis ramble on about Liam and his atheticism, even though he really isn't that athetic, that award belonds solely to Louis himself--the twat. I was saved by the man in question himself, who opened the door with a small frown on his face that I'm willing to bet Louis found so adorable--gag me--and then Liam decided that he should probably put a shirt on since we'd taken our conversation into the hall. Somehow we ended up spending a good hour chatting in the hall before Ed stumbled upon us. I was properly introduced to him, and Louis demanded that he show me his tattoos, which weren't quite as sick as Louis seemed to find them, but then again Louis has strange enough taste himself.

 

We all hung out for a while more, before Zayn came down the hall and then it pretty much turned into a damn party--the only person missing was Harry. He was never really out of my thoughts as I caught up with Zayn, I hadn't talked to him since I'd left Ireland, but he'd come by to see my new flat--which was located three down from Liam's and across. It was quite cozy really. It wasn't until a bit later into the evening that I finally broke and corner Liam on the sofa--Louis had talked Zayn and Ed into taking shots.

 

"Hey Li."

 

Liam glanced towards me and his entire face lit up, though I think it had more to do with the beer I was handing him than the fact that I was sitting down to talk to him, but I perferred to think he was just that happy to see me.

 

"Hey Ni, thanks mate." He took a gulp of his beer and I simply waited a beat to be polite before I started in on him.

 

"So... where's Harry?" Casual was not my forte seeing as I sounded pretty damn interested--and I was.

 

"He's um--well." Liam glanced down at his beer as if contemplating whether or not he should tell me, and I was a bit nervous waiting for his decison. "He's visiting his Mum, been there for a few days already, actually."

 

I nodded my head a bit at that, knowing just how close Harry was with his Mum. I'd loved her like my own Mam as well. Anne was a wonderful woman, and Harry loved her just as a son should. He was a total Momma's boy but then again, I was a bit of one myself as well so I had no room to talk--not really at least.

 

"How's he doing then?"

 

That's really what it all came down to, I just wanted Harry to be alright, that's all I've ever wanted.

 

"He's... he's found a purpose, and I'd say that's helped." I frowned at bit at that, not understanding Liam's words, but sadly I had no time to ask anymore as Louis flopped down across us with a big dopey grin on his face.

 

"Time for jello shots!"

 

Oh dear Lord, this was sure to be a long night.


	40. Embracing the Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Song: In My Veins by Andrew Belle

**Harry's POV**

 

"Baby, are you sure you want to do this?" Mum asked me as I picked the keys up out of the bowl.

 

It'd been a long time coming really, this day. I hadn't done much to make it better. I had simply avoided it, I'd avoided the knowledge that one day I'd have to find it in myself to suck it up and let it all out--let it all go.

 

Niall once told me that the greatest thing that he ever witnessed in his life was the day that Louis finally let his past go. He told me about it once while we were laying awake in bed, holding close to each other. I'd only just asked him his most precious memory and he'd said he had too many, so instead I changed my question to one of the greatest things he's ever seen, and that was the day that I truly understood Louis. A man with a past so bleak that the thought of having a better future would have haunted me, and I guess it had done the same to Louis for a while until finally he allowed himself to move on. Louis found strength in the love that he gained from others--from Niall--to let himself move past his hurt and live with a renewed since of life.

 

I had the exact same thing that Louis had and if he could do it after his past, then I could do it after mine.

 

"Yeah, I-I'm sure." I tried to send a reassuring smile her way, but must have failed miserably as her face only became more concerned. "I've put it off for too long Mum and I just... I can't loose Niall because of that. I refuse to be a coward any longer and I think, I think that's what he needs to see, you know? He needs to see that I can face my worst fears for him, that I trust him enough to love me just as much as I love him."

 

"Trust?"

 

I sighed a bit, bringing my body towards my Mum and hugging her close to me. I was instantly surrounded with the scent of her purfume and I felt at peace. She smelled like chocolate chip cookies and spring mornings outside. She reminded me of all the happy memories I had in my past, but she also smelled like pain. She smelled the same way she did after Dad left, she smelled exactly the same and that somehow speckled my good memories with dark ones, times that I just sat beside her not knowing how I could help her. How do you help someone through a broken heart? At the time I had no idea, so I just stayed beside her, me and Gem holding her close and loving her in only way we knew how.

 

Robin was a Godsend, he was a man more than worthy of my mother's love, and I loved him as if he was my own father. That figure that had disappeared from my life somehow took on his form, and over the years he was the man I'd go to when I needed advice, or help or anything really. Robin showed my Mum that there was such a thing as a second chance at love, but it showed me something different. It showed me that life can give you second chances but why do you need a second chance if you never take the risk? I love Robin, and I love that he makes my Mum so happy but there were moments when I could see she was as happy with him as she used to be with my Dad, and the fear that she could be left heartbroken all over again returned.

 

I became a coward because of something I didn't even experience and in doing so I lost one of the best people I'd ever met.

 

"Niall doesn't trust me anymore Mum, and I need to fix that--if I want him back I have to earn his trust." The immense desperation seeping through my voice was almost disturbing.

 

"How is this earning his trust back?" Mum was watching me carefully and this time when I tried to smile at her, my lips did as they were told.

 

"It doesn't, but it's something. It's effort in a way I've never given before, and I'm hoping that maybe it will get through to him. Maybe this was what he needed all along because he loves me. I know he does, that's not the problem. I hurt him, and I lost his trust. He's forgiven me but he hasn't forgotten, and I don't even think I want him to forget anymore, I just want him to understand. I need him to understand me Mum."

 

She nodded her head softly at me, wrapping her arms around me as solidly as she could manage, giving me an achor to hold onto while my strongest one was away. I missed him so much, I knew I would though because love does that--it makes distance feel like time instead of miles.

 

"He's it for me."

 

*

 

It didn't take me long to find his house, but I really didn't expect any different. I knew where he lived, even if I didn't visit him, I knew. I kept up with things like that, I kept up with him. I wasn't the type of son to pretend that their father had died or something, I was just the type that decided to never see him. There were moments in time where I was required to visit him but those visits were always cut short, mostly by my doing but sometimes by his as well. It was weird to visit him in a place I was unfamilar with, he didn't seem like the same person over there as he did when he was home, when he lived at home.

 

His car was parked in front of the house and I instantly knew he was home. My fingers clenched the wheel a little tighter with that knowledge, but this needed to happen and I'd come too far to stop now. Louis had called only last night to tell me that Niall had come back home, so it was now or never really.

 

I didn't have time for never.

 

I got out of the car and made my way up his walk slowly. It was the same place he'd moved to after he left us, and I suddenly found myself dreading the thought of his new wife being there. I don't know if I'd be able to stomach a heart to heart with her in the room. It wasn't that I hated her, it just that I hated what she represented. I hated the fact that all of this was a sign of how badly my parents marriage had failed, just another thing that had scared me really. I'd taken all these things as if they were gospel and ended up using the fear of these possibilities to lead me down a road of utter distruction.

 

With that thought in my I rang the bell, holding my breath in earnest and wishing for him to be alone.

 

I could hear his or her footsteps as they made their way down the vast hall that the front door led down. It was completely tiled floors making their footsteps echo off the walls, a complete opposite to home. Carpet was pretty much the only thing in Mum's house, besides the kitchen and bathrooms so the tile just made me feel even more out of place. It made a house colder and less inviting, and I disliked it as much as a person could.

 

"Harry?" It was Dad, and with that knowledge I released my breath in a sigh.

 

"Hey Dad." I shrugged a bit, shuffling my feet uncomfortably under his gaze.

 

"Hey, uh--come in yeah?" Dad opened the door up wider for me to enter, before he glanced down the hall. "Do you want some tea? I just put the kettle on."

 

"Actually yeah, tea would be great, thanks."

 

It was awkward and silent as we sat at the kitchen table. Dad looked just as he had at the wedding, all put together and happy, and suddenly it was like all the bitterness that I had built up inside me just sort of slipped away. I stared at him and as I looked at him I caught sight of pieces of me. We had the same hands, our cheeks slopped down the same way, our eyes were the same shape. It was odd because I hadn't looked that closely at him in such a long time that looking at him like this now was almost like looking in a distorted mirror. It brought back memories of the past, times we had spent together when I was younger and everything just sort of fell back into place.

 

It had been too many years to hold his past against him, not that it really hurt any less.

 

"What are you doing here Harry? I mean, it's not that I'm not happy to see you or anything, because I am but you've never..." He didn't finish his sentence but I knew where he was going with it. I pretty much treated him like a pirah after he left, it wasn't a secret by any means.

 

I had come over here today without any thought as to what I was going to say to him. I was running off the skin of my teeth here and I didn't even know if I was going to say anything to begin with. I thought maybe just seeing him would be more than enough but looking at him now, seeing how unsure he looked as he watched me just hit something inside me, and the thought of holding all my hurt inside was like trying to stop my heart from beating.

 

"I don't hate you."

 

Those were the only words that seemed able to make their way out of my throat but it was the most honest I had been with him since before everything with out family went to shit. Dad didn't know who I was anymore and for the longest time I honestly believed that he had no right to know me. He wasn't there by choice so why should he get to know anything? That was my thought at least but I was mad, I was so mad at him and I just wanted to hurt him as much as he hurt me, and I'd say I certainly succeeded if the tears rolling down his face were anything to go by.

 

"I know you think that I hate you but I don't, Dad I don't hate you and I never have--not really. I've been mad at you for... a very long time but I still thought about you from time to time. I wondered how you were doing and sometimes even wished to see you, but I would never let those things stay in my thoughts for long because you--you hurt me, you hurt us and I honestly didn't think you deserved us anymore. I know it's fucked up and childish of me to think like that but you left us and I just, I was hurt--I'm still hurt by that. I don't understand, I will never understand and I'm come to terms with that recently. I've finally started to come to terms with the fact that you aren't the only person to blame but it took fucking counseling sessions to even allow me to admit that to myself, let alone out loud."

 

It was true too, all of it. I had barely skimmed over the surface and the only reason I was willing to go any further was because of Niall. This was all for Niall--in a way. Zayn had talked to me about doing this very thing over the last few weeks, seeing my father at least, but I never thought I'd go any farther than that. I never thought I'd be saying these things out loud to him like I was. Love really does make you do crazy things sometimes.

 

"Why are you... why now?" Dad breathed out, his eyes still shining with unshed tears but I didn't let myself dwell on that, if I did I would never do this.

 

"Niall."

 

I closed my eyes slowly, trying to remember his face before Mum's wedding last year. I tried to picture his big smile and sparkling eyes as he looked at me so fondly that I could have sworn my heart was doing somersalts in my chest. Niall had that effect on me, he had always had that effect on me--with only one look I was as gone as could be.

 

"Your boyfriend?" It was so weird to hear he questioning that, because everyone knew Niall was my boyfriend but I hadn't told my Dad much over the years so this was only natural.

 

"I guess he's my um--my ex-boyfriend at the moment." I choked on that last bit, the overwhelming flare of pain I felt that night that he just left me was back and it hurt just as much as it had then, but I had a plan. I was going to do this for him, it wasn't over.

 

Not yet.

 

"I hurt him Dad, and it was all because I couldn't let go of my past. I held onto everything that happened between you and Mum so tightly that I fucked up my own relationship in the process and I just, I can't do that. I can't let your problems have a hold over my life and I don't want to be afraid anymore. I just want to be over it. I want to let it all go but I couldn't do that if you kept... setting me off."

 

Dad looked shocked at that, his eyes widening a bit as he took all that I said in. It was a lot of responsibility to lay on him and I knew it wasn't entirely fair but it was his past mistakes with Mum that had seemed to leave a lasting impression. Every child deals with divorce in their own way, children especially, my way of handling things was just a little more unhealthy than others but certainly not as bad as it could have been.

 

"Setting you off how?" His voice broke halfway through, and I felt the guilt surge up inside me again but I continued on.

 

"At the wedding last year when I ran into you I sort of... fucked everything up because of it. I don't know but it was just like you were there and you were a reminder of how love can hurt someone so damn much and I just--I saw Niall and had never been more scared in my entire life to love him and let him love me in return. I pushed him away Dad, slowly but surely I pushed him so far away that when I said some horrible things to him a few months later he believed me. If I would have called him anything like that before the wedding he would have been hurt but he would have known that it was myself that I hated, not him. He didn't though, because I'd pushed him too far and then everything we had just broke right in front of me, and it took that moment for me to realize that I'd done the exact same thing that I sworn I would never do--I broke someone's heart."

 

I was clenching my jaw together so tightly, trying to hold back the tears that were stinging at my eyes so persistently to come out. I was fighting them back with everything I had when I felt my Dad's arms wrap around me. He pulled me tight against him and I finally let go. I wrapped my own arms around him and just sobbed into his chest like the little boy I used to be would do. He held me the exact same way he always did with one hand in my curls and the other rubbing soft circles into my back. He smelled familiar, not like Mum had early, but it was still the same scent lingering in his new cologne reminding me of all the different memories we held together.

 

"Harry, I'm sorry son. I'm so sorry." He was breathing into my hair and I just nodded my head in his chest. "I know I've made mistakes, many of them but I love you. You're my son and I love you and I miss you and I'm so happy you're here. No matter why you're here, I'm happy you're here."

 

"I miss you too Dad, all the time."

 

He laughed at that, his chest vibrating against my ear, and it sounded just like Gemma's laugh. She was in pieces of him as well--his smile, his laugh, his eyes--they were all hers. No matter how much I tried to forget about him, about how I felt about him or how I should have felt about him, nothing was ever the same without him in my life.

 

I just had to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop.

 

If I started living life like the only moment that mattered was the one I was in then I would have a happier life, a life that Niall would probably be alright with being a part of. I had a long ways to go, there was no doubt about it, but I was trying now. I was working so hard to become the man that Niall always thought I was that I was starting to feel more free, slowly but surely I was being release from my burdens, my insecruties, and my fears. I had started off doing this all for Niall but in the end it seems to have helped me more than anything. I've become a better person, and Niall was the motivation needed to do it.

 

He really was my saving grace.


	41. The Maliks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Song: Photograph by Ed Sheeran

**Zayn's POV**

 

"If you don't go now Zayn, you're never going to go."

 

"I know alright? I know. It's just--it's not that simple Ed. No matter how simple you like to think it is, it's just not alright?"

 

"Zayn, what is it? Honestly, tell me the truth, I'm your best mate you owe me that much. What is it really? What is the real reason you don't want to go home and face them? What aren't you telling me?"

 

I closed my eyes then, breathing in slowly as I tried to control my heart rate. This wasn't something I liked to get into, I just don't. I have never had a perfect relationship with my family and that's alright, I've come to terms with it. I don't need to cut open old wounds when it's in the past. My family is my past, Perrie is my present. I don't know how this is supposed to be a good thing. I know I'm a therapist or whatever, but there are some memories that are better left buried, and the last one I have with my family is one of those. Some people have triggers and my family is my trigger.

 

"Ed, it's a long story, and I don't feel like going into it mate, alright?"

 

"Why though? You're the therapist Zayn, shouldn't you be doing what's best for you as well as doing it for other people?" Ed looked so frustrated and I knew I was to blame for it, but I honestly couldn't help myself. I didn't want to talk about it--ever.

 

"Trust me Ed, not talking about this issue in particular is helping me. It's the only way that the two parties involved are able to move on."

 

It was true too. The only way that I was alright was not seeing my Dad, and I know the same could be said for him. We couldn't see each other anymore and God that hurt, but it was the only way. I know I've been a bit obtuse to both Ed and Perrie but this isn't exactly a shining moment of mine and the thought of telling someone else about what I did hurts more than I'd like to admit. I'm just not that type of person anymore and sometimes the past really is better left in the past.

 

"Zayn, dammit! Can you please for once in your fucking life give me a straight answer. I'm so tired of arguing with you. I'm tried of you lying about why you can't see your family and I hate seeing you pain mate. I love you man, and seeing you like this--I mean for Christ's sake's you are thinking about not inviting them to your wedding mate. I don't think it can get much worse than that. He's your father, he loves you and you love him so why can't you see him? What the fucking hell could have been so bad that you just can't face him anymore? What the hell did you do back then?"

 

Some things are just better left unsaid.

 

"Something I'm not proud of." I mumbled, but it seemed clear enough for Ed to understand, as he shook his head at me.

 

"Zayn." He ground out, and I closed my eyes hoping that it would help me to feel less guilty about keeping Ed in the dark when all it really did was make me see that night especially clear. It was my fault too, if I hadn't been so fucking stupid it would have never happened. I would have never put them in that situation.

 

"I was dealing drugs, when I was seventeen I started dealing, alright?" I whispered, the words falling from my lips before I was able to stop them.

 

"You--alright, you dealt drugs, I mean that's not exactly the end of the world Zayn--"

 

"There's more, it's just... that's where it all begins you know? Like it was a build up from my first joint at fifteen to me dealing at seventeen to me--to me getting busted at eighteen, and then finally for the shitstorm that rained down on my family because of me at nineteen."

 

I hadn't touched an ounce of anything remotely close to drug related since I eighteen, but that didn't erase all the times I had done it. It didn't stop Travis from coming after me when I quit dealing at eighteen and it certainly didn't stop when my father had to come face to face with Travis after he broke into our house a little while later. It didn't stop my dad from getting beat within an inch of his life. It didn't stop so many things. I wished it was me, every single day I've wished that it could be me home that night instead of him. I wished I could have gone back to the day I said yes to my first joint. I shouldn't have done it.

 

I know I shouldn't have.

 

"What exactly happened?"

 

*

 

"So you're saying that you've been lying to me this entire time?" Perrie asked me, her hand placed on her hip just as she always did when she was angry at me.

 

"No, I just--I didn't know how to tell you. I mean, I'm not that person anymore. I've got my problems, obviously, but then again who doesn't? You've seen some of the people I've dealt with in my sessions and we're all a little fucked up in one way or another." I was trying to reason with her, and she knew it too, but I could see how angry she was that I'd kept a few details of the problems with my family hidden from her, I knew it hurt her. It had to.

 

"Zayn..." She sighed then, dropping her hand down and walking towards me. "I love you, and I love you no matter what you've done in the past. I love who you are now, who you've been to me, and the way you deal with others. I love you and that right there is all that matters. We've all done things we aren't proud of, myself included, but you can't keep avoiding your family like they don't exist. They very much so exist and they want to see you, so stop making up excuses and go see them. I'll go with you, Ed will go with you, I'm sure even Louis, Liam, and Harry would go with you as well. God, you've got so many people behind you on this, you can't keep putting it off. Face your past, and fix your relationships. Isn't that what you do every day of the week with your clients?"

 

"That's different."

 

"How, tell me Zayn, how is that different?"

 

"Those clients aren't me. I can't just... I'm not the type of person who enjoys confrontation and how does a person even come close to forgiving you for fucking up their life? I mean, he was hurt pretty damn badly Per, I can't even... I don't deserve to have them in my life. There are consequences for your actions and these are mine."

 

I wasn't sure what to do anymore to be quite honest. My mom wasn't letting up, and Perrie was hounding me about it along with Ed, and every time I thought about them I tried to picture what seeing them would be like--what seeing him would be like. He was so angry at me when I started doing drugs, he kicked me out when it got too bad and then he got hurt because of me. I know what tough love is, and I know why he did it, I mean my younger sisters shouldn't have to pay for my decisions but that did hurt. I know he loved me, but I don't know if he still does--if he even could. After all, all those phone calls I've received haven't been from him. I haven't heard a word from him since I saw him at the hospital, and even then he wasn't talking to me. I never worked up the courage to face him that night.

 

I was a coward.

 

"Your past doesn't define you, it simply molds you. You, who you are right now, that defines you. It's up to you who you want to be today."

 

I couldn't have stopped myself from hugging her even if I tried. I grabbed onto her like she was the last thing holding me onto this earth. I buried my face in her neck just like I used to bury my face into my mother's neck as a child, and I simply cried. I didn't cry often, nor did I cry in front of people but Perrie was different. She loved me like no one else ever had, and she held me tight like a safety net. She was the best thing that had ever happened to me, and I have never been so blessed to have someone in my life than I have with her and Ed. They push me, even when I can't seem to push myself. They know when I need it.

 

Just because I'm a psychologist, doesn't mean I have all the answers, especially when it comes to myself. Sometimes the people with all the right answers have the worst history. It takes learning from experience to truly understand things, and I've certainly messed up my fair share. Life is never easy, no matter who you are and how much money you have. The happiest person I've ever met had felt the most pain and yet somehow she was still able to smile, to laugh and to love, people like that give me hope. Hope in a life that may still have pain but it has joy as well, and as long as joy is present in a person's life, nothing that happens can ever truly hurt them.

 

Joy is for our peace of life just as air is necessary to breathe.

 

*

 

"We'll be here the whole time mate. Just give us a call if you want us to pick you up, yeah?" Ed asked, as he dropped me off outside my childhood home. We'd all taken a road trip to the city. Niall, Liam, Louis, Ed, Perrie and I. Harry was out of town today and couldn't make it, though it seemed Niall was rather relieved about that fact.

 

"Yeah." I nodded solemnly as Ed gave me one last encouraging look before taking off.

 

I stood on the curb for a good ten minutes just staring at my old home. I hadn't been home in years and the memories that surrounded this place just came flooding back to me without any warning. I was stuck on memory lane and the longer I thought about it, the worse I began to feel. Seven years is a long time to go without seeing your family. It's a long time for a lot of things to happen. They could have moved by now, even though I doubted they had, if the decorations were anything to go by. The place looked just as it always had and my heart raced with every second that passed.

 

I was home, though for how long was yet to be decided.

 

It was now or never really, as I stepped up towards the house, a frigid breeze blowing about my face. Every step was like lead, I didn't want to be here--I didn't want to do this, but I needed to. That was becoming more clear by the second. I needed to be here and I needed to find peace with my family, even if it was only one sided. At least I was finally trying, while he never once tried to reach out to me.

 

I rang the bell before I could chicken out, and noise instantly irrupted from the other side of the door. My ears were beginning to ring and my hands were clenched together so tightly I broke the skin. I kept my head down, and simply stared at the floor as I heard the approaching footsteps. It didn't take long before the door creaked open and I caught sight of a familiar pair of shoes.

 

Dad was a simple man at heart. He went to work and did as he was told, he came home and took care of us, teaching us and playing with us when appropriate. We learned how to be proper, and formal, and in this moment out of every single thing he'd taught me, only one lesson seemed to come to mind. A man always takes care of his shoes because it's the shoes that take him places.

 

The shoes that were staring at me in that moment were polished to perfection. Though the suit he was wearing was worn from years of use, his shoes shined just as brightly as they had the day he bought them. Knowing who was standing in front of me at this exact moment made it even harder to remain standing there, in front of him. So I did what any coward does--I ran, or more like walked away.

 

I didn't once raise my head as I turned on my heal and marched down the path. The noise of my sisters and mother filled my descent but it was the silence lingering in the doorway that hurt me the most. It was the fact that we were as close as we'd been in seven years and he still didn't have anything to say to me. It hurt.

 

"Zayn."

 

It was faint, and it was hesitant but just as I'd reached the edge of the yard, his voice carried over to me, stopping me immediately. He'd spoken to me. My father, the man that I hadn't talked to in longer than even I liked to admit had broken his silence and I honestly had no idea what to do. What was I supposed to do in this situation?

 

"Zayn?" He called once more, causing me to turn around, the question in his voice clear from even this distance.

 

I was slow, my breathing heavy as I moved. I was stiff as a board but I was still here, and that was more than I could say earlier. I had taken the first step, and now it was up to him--or was it still up to me? I was honestly just lost. I didn't know what to do. I still didn't feel as if I deserved to be around him, to be near him--to have him in my life.

 

"Dad." I mumbled, my voice quiet and proper but strong all the same. He was staring at me with those dark eyes of his, and there was something in them I'd never seen before.

 

There were tears in his eyes.

 

"Zayn." He repeated for the third time, and this time the tears followed, as did his footsteps as he ran towards me. "Zayn--son."

 

He grabbed me up in his arms, arms that hadn't hugged me since I turned ten and became a man, and cried. He grabbed me tighter than I thought humanly possible and held me to him as if I was the only thing missing in this world. He held me like I was a gift instead of a burden. He held me with so much love that I honestly didn't even know what to do.

 

"D-dad." I stuttered, wrapping my arms around him just as tightly. I missed this--I missed him. He smelled like home, and he was warm like he always was in my early memories. He wasn't the cold man I remembered him as and suddenly I began to wonder if that was only my perception.

 

Maybe I'd been holding my Dad to the wrong standard this entire time based on a time in my life where I made more bad decisions than good ones.

 

"You're mother never said you were coming. She said you don't answer her calls and that--God we've been so worried. We've all missed you, we've missed you so much." He spoke into my hair, his tears already drying from his face, but that one moment was enough to break every wall I'd put up.

 

"I thought--you never called. Mum, she's the only one that ever..." I trailed off, trying to disguise the hurt in my voice. I didn't manage it very well.

 

"I..." Dad released me, moving out of my grip slightly but still keeping his arms firmly on mine. "I didn't think you wanted to hear from me. After you didn't show up at the hospital I just assumed..."

 

My heart clenched as he reminded me of that day once more. I had been away at school when I got the call, and I'd ended up driving all day and all night to get home and see him. I'd made it all the way into the hall of his room before it all caught up with me. All the things I'd done that led us to that moment in time and I'd realized how I was at fault for it all. I was the reason he was laying in the bed from the get go, and I stopped. I simply couldn't see him, I didn't feel I had the right to see him, nor did I have the courage. Instead I looked in his door and saw that he was alright, talking to Mum as my sisters sat in chairs beside the bed, and walked away.

 

That was the moment I decided to cut myself out of my families lives. That was the moment that I realized they were better off without me.

 

"I did, show up that is. I was there I just... I couldn't go in. If I hadn't met Travis you would have never been in there and I just--"

 

"Stop." He commanded, his voice heavy and thick with authority. I knew that voice very well, and could almost guess what was coming next, but it seemed today was a day for surprises. "You aren't to blame, you were never to blame. Don't you dare do that to yourself. You were a child, and you made mistakes. We all make mistakes Zayn. Sometimes good people do bad things and sometimes bad people do good things, that's just how the world works. One time in your life doesn't define who you are. Who you choose to be every day defines who you are."

 

My throat tightened as I thought of the words Perrie had spoken to me only a few days before: who I choose to be now defines who I am, not who I was.

 

"Am I good person though?" My voice was small, and vulnerable but he simply smiled at me.

 

"You're one of the best people I know."

 

This time I was the one who threw myself at him, holding on tight just as I used to when I was little and scared. I held him like my life depended on it, and in a way it did. This man, this person that I hurt time and time again had found it in his heart to forgive me, to love me through it, something I never once thought possible. He loved me just like he always said he did.

 

He never stopped.

 

"Now, why don't you come inside? I'm sure there are plenty of people inside who will want to see you as well." I nodded my head slowly, backing up a couple of steps to stare at the open door, just as one of my sisters passed the door, her eyes connecting with mine almost instantly. It took a moment, but before I knew it she was screaming my voice loud as could be across the entire house.

 

"Zayn!"

 

I was home.


	42. Broken Bridges

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While The World Let Go by A Rocket To The Moon

**Harry's POV**

 

He's back.

 

He's back in town and he didn't even...

 

Don't dwell on that Harry, he's back. Him being back, that has to mean something. It has to.

 

I was having a few problems not hyperventilating when Louis told me Niall was back in town. It had been well over a month now since I last saw him, and God damn it my heart hurt. Actually if I was to be completely honest, him being gone hurt more than him not calling me to tell me he was back. I knew what I had to do, I knew that this was on me now. Niall had stayed, and yes, he'd left and yes we'd broken up but he's had time. Time wasn't exactly something I gave him before.

 

I suffocated him, I know I did. I was always there, I was always fussing over him. I knew I hurt him, I was ashamed of what I'd said and I simply wanted to make it better. If I'm going to be completely honest I only made it worse. I've tried to put myself in Niall's shoes and I know that I would have high tailed it out of our flat way before Niall did. I probably wouldn't have even made it to October. I would have ended things as soon as we stopped holding hands in public, and that had been mid-August. Niall was so much better at loving me than I'd been at loving him, but in that time he'd also been an example of what I should have been, what I could be.

 

I wasn't going to take Niall's unconditional love for granted.

 

My excuse for seeing him was flawless. He had left many things of his in our(or I guess my) flat, and seeing as he had a new one(low blow but at least he was planning on staying) he needed his stuff back. I had packed it all nice and neatly into a box, and what I'd found had sent me on a complete and total emotional whirlwind. I knew Niall better than I knew myself, if my issues with him weren't enough evidence, and some of those things really sent me reeling, whether I was crying or laughing well that depended on the moment really.

 

Liam had been amazing too, he'd taken his place as my best mate seriously and he'd been over more than I would have even asked him to be. He was there the entire first week that Niall was gone, Louis had been over a bit as well but he'd been kind enough to give Liam and I some space. Plus he'd been having his own issues with Niall up and leaving without even telling him goodbye. I think that almost hurt Louis more than Niall breaking up with me hurt me. At least I had time to prepare, Louis had zero indications about Niall's leaving. I'd been preparing for Niall to leave me for months, it was almost a relief at first. I'd been spending so much time freaking out over him leaving that I never realized that space might just be the best thing for us. We'd been in such tight quarters for so long that I never really thought about the benefits of us having time apart. I would have preferred to do that while we were still together, but at least now I feel like we've both had our time.

 

I have hope.

 

Just knowing that he's back to stay gives me hope, and I know it's ridiculous, I should be miserable at the thought of having to see him every day at work but I'm not. I'm not miserable because then at least I'll get to see him again. If he even shows up to work, Niall's job(unlike mine) can be done from anywhere really, as long as he has access to a computer and time on his hands. I have to actually be there to make the meals that we serve. Niall is the reason I have that job, Niall believed in me before I was even capable of believing in myself. Without Niall, even though yes, I've learned I can survive without him, I simply don't want to.

 

So now, with this small as can be box, filled with pieces of Niall, I'm headed to his place.

 

I don't know what's to come of this, because honestly what can come of this? There are a thousand different possibilities and I keep replaying all the horrible ones in my head, but somehow my feet keep moving and I walk the walk I've now taken a million times. Liam, Louis, Ed, and now Niall all living in the same building, on the same floor none the less, is a little strange, but it's also rather nice. One stop shopping and all that shit.

 

My hands are clamy as can be, my heart doesn't even seem to be beating in my chest anymore and I'm pretty damn sure I'm shaking all over. In retrospect I'm a complete and total mess, but it's now or never. I've never had to truly fight for Niall, I've never needed to prove myself to him, or attempt to make him feel safe and secure, he was always doing that for me. Niall was the one that always reassured me, and took care of me, and as much as I love him for doing that I wonder if maybe--maybe he just needed the same reassurance. Maybe, him showing me how much he loved me was another way of him making sure that I needed him too. I don't know how he does it but when Niall loves he loves with all he has, and that's something I aspire to be like.

 

I want to be able to love Niall as freely as I can, it's the least I can do.

 

Of course, positive thinking isn't exactly going to fix everything between Niall and I but at least it's a start. I was not like this for the first two weeks of him being gone that's for sure, but I've been seeing Zayn a couple times a week, and Liam and Louis have been amazing plus Ed's a riot. They've been keeping me busy and slowly I was able to work up the courage to see Dad. Not everything is fixed there and it's probably going to take a lot for me to feel comfortable around him, but it's a start. We're starting on fixing our relationship and that is something that should have happened years ago if I'm going to be completely honest. It sucks, but it's life and sometimes things in life don't exactly turn out the way you would hope.

 

It wasn't too long until I was standing in front of Niall's new door.

 

Everything felt wrong about this moment. The door wasn't our door. The numbers were wrong. He wasn't supposed to live in 314 but in 212. This wasn't where Niall was supposed to be. This shouldn't have been his place, I shouldn't have had to do this. I should have been able to just walk down our hall and knock on his door. God, no I shouldn't have had to leave our room in the first place.

 

I'm freaking out again. Oh God, I can't do this, not here, not when I'm so close. I can't--I can't keep doing this.

 

Sometimes moments in life hit and you don't even know what to do. Sometimes you are standing in front of someone's doorway and even though you know you should knock, you just don't. You end up setting the box of their stuff outside of their doorway, and walking away. You end up taking the chicken's way out, and even though I was standing in that hall with all intents and purposes of telling Niall exactly what I did to get him to trust me again--I couldn't. I couldn't do it because when push came to shove it wasn't enough. That small thing wasn't enough to get Niall back.

 

Nothing I did would ever be enough.

 

With that thought in mind I walked away. I turned and followed the exact path I took to get here home. I returned back to the place that held so many memories I didn't even know what to do with myself. I laid on the floor of the living room and relived all of them--the good, the bad, and the mundane. I relived my life with Niall and I simply cried.

 

I cried for us, for what we'd lost, and for all we'd never have.

 

*

 

It was three in the morning when the knock on my door came. I was still laying in the same place I'd fallen into earlier. My eyes were puffy and swollen from crying, my back stiff and irritated at the position I'd fallen asleep in. I didn't know who the hell it was, but something about that knock startled me onto my feet. It wasn't different than any other knock I'd heard in my life, but for some reason my overactive imagination was on high alert. I stumbled my way towards the door, my vision spotty enough to allow me to run into things.

 

When I opened it up I didn't' recognize him at first. My eyes were seriously fucking with me and even though his face was as familiar to me as my own, I still wasn't able to see him. At least I wasn't able to see him until I rubbed my eyes, and finally looked at him. Nothing had changed.

 

His hair was a mess, looking almost as if he'd just spent the last five hours running his hands through it. His eyes were bright and wide, making him much more awake than I'd been only moments before. He was wearing my jumper, the one with the hole in the sleeve where I'd always punched my thumb through. In all he looked amazing, not that I expected any less but when time goes on and you haven't seen a person the details of their face sort of fade... Niall had started to fade in my memory, but now here he was and he looked as amazing as ever.

 

At three in the morning, but that was beside the point.

 

"What?" I whispered, my throat clogging up with a thump that really should have gone away after all the tears I'd only just shed.

 

"You didn't knock." Niall stated like he was talking about the weather.

 

"What are you talking about?" I asked, blinking my eyes rapidly to try and clear them, or maybe even pinch myself awake.

 

"You didn't knock. Louis said--he said you'd come. He told me you were going to stop by and so I waited. I waited for you all day Harry, but when you finally stood outside my door you didn't knock." His words were coming out in a rush, his breathing heavy and uneven. "Why didn't you knock? Why did I, once again, have to be the one Harry? I'm--I'm tried of being the only one to knock."

 

I stared at him for a moment, stepping back and allowing him inside our old flat.

 

"Wait--we're not really talking about knocking anymore are we?" Niall simply sent me a pointed look, but he didn't look quite as upset as he had not even ten seconds before. "I... I wanted to knock, if that makes any difference. I wanted to see you, and talk to you--anything really. I just wanted to be in the same room as you again Niall."

 

"Then why didn't you? You knew I was back, so why didn't' you come and see me? Why don't you ever chase after me?" The last part was said in a sigh, and I almost think Niall didn't want me to hear it.

 

I stared at Niall standing in the same spot I'd just been sobbing in. I'd been there miserable and all I could think about was him. All I could think about were all the times when I wanted to show Niall how much I loved him but I never did. Louis and Liam were always better about being affectionate. They knew how to show each other how they felt. Niall and I--we were different and that wasn't bad but I always wanted to be more like Liam and Louis. I wanted to be able to be proud to hold Niall's hand in public, or to be able to tell him how much I loved him without being afraid of him not saying it back. I was never secure in our relationship, and because of that I never truly let Niall in.

 

"I didn't know how. I still don't to be honest. I'm not--I'm afraid of love Niall. Love scares the fucking shit out of me, and you just fell into my lap. I didn't know what to do with it. I didn't know how to be around you. I knew what I wanted to do but I could never do it. I tried, trust me I did, and it was easier to be open when it was just the two of us and I didn't have to think about the outside world. It was easier to be in love with you when we were inside this place." I pointed around our flat, and Niall looked around as well.

 

There were so may memories littered about these walls, I didn't even know where to start really. There were good memories and bad memories but all together there were just... memories. This flat was a compilation of every single 'I love you' I'd been able to squeak out. Going to those sessions with Niall had been the most open I'd ever been with him in our entire relationship, and yes I knew that was wrong, but it was my problem. I've struggled with these issues for years, I even have a hard time telling Gemma that I love her, let alone someone that isn't even apart of my family.

 

"I've loved you everywhere Harry. I never cared who was around..." Niall stated, his voice rough and his back turned to me.

 

I took a deep breath, trying to work up the courage to say everything to Niall I'd gone over to his flat to say. He deserved the truth, and he deserved to know how I really felt, how I'd always felt.

 

"I went to see my dad."

 

Niall stopped moving, but he didn't say anything either. His back stiffened slightly but he didn't turn around, so I kept going.

 

"I know I lost your trust, I understand that. I didn't know what to do about it either, I didn't know how to go about fixing us, so for a while I laid around and cried. I simply gave up, but Louis and Liam wouldn't let me. They pushed me, and eventually I figured out what I needed to do, so I went to see him." I stepped closer to Niall, needing to be just a little bit nearer to him even if I couldn't touch him. "It didn't turn out like I thought it would. We're not completely fixed and I still don't want to face the fact that he's remarried, but I am trying. I just spoke with him on the phone yesterday, and I'm working towards forgiveness."

 

Niall turned his head slightly at that, a blue eye peaking out beneath his fringe that had fallen over them. I wasn't able to tell what emotions were flowing through them, but at least he'd looked at me. He was finally looking at me again.

 

"He's where my problems started, and alright that's kind of harsh but it did start with Dad. Dad and Mum and all the shit that went down between the two of them, and I--Niall I witnessed firsthand what love can do to a person. I've seen it destroy people from the inside out, and it stuck with me. It's a fear that I've struggled with for as long as I can remember. I know most people deal with other fears, fear of the water, fear of sharks, fear of failure, but I'm not like them. I've never been like them, and I can't just turn off my fear.

 

"I'm in love with you, and I've been in love with you since I first laid eyes on you, but I was also scared. I was so scared of every emotion that you seemed to bring out of me. I didn't want to date you because I knew you'd have all of me. If I dated you then you'd be able to hurt me just like my Dad had hurt my Mum, and I know that's irrational and ridiculous but it scared me. Everyone I'd been with before you was nothing. They didn't mean anything, but you did. You always have."

 

I took a couple steps closer, not quite touching but we were in the same vicinity. Niall's back was so tense I didn't even know what to think of it. He was entirely too stressed out at this moment, and all I wanted to do was wrap my arms around him like I used to and be able to help him relax. I used to be able to hug the stress out of him, but I doubt that would work anymore. If anything, me hugging him would probably only stress him out more.

 

"I got so jealous Ni, I couldn't handle you dating other guys, especially when they were such assholes to you. I didn't even realize how invested in you I was until Louis talked to me about it. It was then that I realized it didn't matter whether or not I dated you, you had all of me anyways. It was then that I came to the conclusion that having you would be better than not having you. For twenty seconds I was brave enough to ask you out, and then after that my fear started back in on me. My fear was like this big giant leech that sucked all my love for you out of me--not that it changed the way I felt it just changed the way I showed you.

 

"But you--you weren't the type of person to live like that. You helped me escape my fears. You helped me get better, and yes I wasn't the perfect boyfriend, and no I didn't always do things correctly but I was starting to open up to you more. I was staring to let you in--then the wedding. Oh God, that wedding. You looked so beautiful Niall, I didn't even know what do with myself. I'd never thought of marriage, not really but at that moment I could honestly see us standing up at the alter. I stood through the entire wedding and all I could do was picture the two of us up there."

 

Niall's shoulders had started to shake, but I wasn't done yet. I wasn't finished, and I couldn't stop now. He hadn't even heard the whole thing yet. He needed the entire story laid out in front of him. He deserved to know everything that happened. He deserved to know why, even when I loved him more than I'd ever loved another person in my entire life, I wasn't who he deserved.

 

"Then the reception came around and when my Dad showed up I was completely startled out of my daydream. I saw him and that damn leech returned and this time it was worse than ever. I second guessed every single moment between the two of us, and I pulled away in hopes of somehow protecting myself. I didn't, pulling away only hurt me more, and it hurt you the most. I know it did, and I am sorry. I am so sorry that I couldn't see what I was doing to you until it was too late. I thought I was saving us, I thought that my being who I was was only hurting who we should be. I thought--I thought I'd loose you and that scared me so damn much that I ended up loosing you anyways. I lost you in an even worse way than I could have ever imagined."

 

It was true too, and if the soft sobs that were floating around my flat were anything to go by then Niall knew it too.

 

It was too late for us.

 

"Harry, I've been gone for a while now--I left and I can honestly say it's the best thing I could have ever done for us." There's blow number one. "I'm not sure if you saw what was happening to me, but I saw how everything was affecting you. I watched as each day seemed to take a little more from us. I witnessed our downfall, and it hurt like nothing else I've ever been through, but I stayed."

 

He hadn't turned around, but his shoulders had eased their shaking.

 

"But, do you know why I left? Do you really understand why I left us? Why I ended what we had?"

 

"You, you left because you loved me, but you didn't trust me. You left because you needed to save yourself, and you couldn't do that when we were living the way we were living. You left because you knew there was nothing there to save anymore." I choked, my throat dry and my heart weary as I spoke the words that Niall had no doubt thought of before.

 

Niall turned around at that. He had tear tracks running down his face, but his eyes were dry. He was staring at me with a look of complete and utter frustration, and I couldn't help but take a step back. I couldn't stand so close to him when he was just about to hurt me with the truth. I couldn't be so close to him with the end looming over us like that.

 

"No."

 

I stared at him then, my mouth dropping open in shock. I was all prepared for him to lay into me for the last time, and for our final goodbye. I was prepared for him to tell me everything I'd done to hurt him and for him to say he was done with me. I was prepared.

 

I was ready this time.

 

"No, Harry--that's not why I left." He gritted out, and I saw how his fists clenched together his knuckles turning white from exertion. "I left because we wouldn't have been able to fix things living like we did."

 

"Yes, but you leaving didn't fix anything anyways. We still aren't together, you made that perfectly clear."

 

"Harry, I was suffocated, don't you understand? I was sleeping in our flat, but I wasn't even in our room anymore--"

 

"You could have--"

 

"Harry. I was not going to sleep in the same room with you after what happened, and then I just couldn't figure out how to get things back to the way they were. It was more what sleeping in that room represented than what sleeping in that room actually was. We were living here together but we weren't living. I left because we needed to figure out to live on our own again. Don't you get it? You were living here with me and I could see how hesitant you were about everything. You didn't know how to act around me and it was hurting you. It was hurting me as well but in a different way. We couldn't get better together, this was healing we needed to do separately."

 

"So you left?" I asked, my voice shaky. He was right though, we would have never been able to talk like we were in this exact moment had he stayed.

 

"Yeah, I left. And you know what I did the entire time I was gone?"

 

All sorts of different scenarios flashed through my head when he asked that question, and some of them made me sick to my stomach. I could see Niall very clearly at a pub pulling some bloke to help him forget. I could see Niall meeting new people and being free, something he hadn't been since we'd started dating. My fear was starting to eat away at me again, but before it could completely take over Niall started talking again, and he took every single one of my fears away.

 

"I thought about you, and all the things you've ever done that make me fall in love with you. I thought of how yes, things maybe didn't go as they should have, and yeah it hurt me, but that moment in your life doesn't define who you are. You were weak, everyone is weak sometimes, and that's alright. It really is, you just need to talk to me next time Harry. You need to let me in before you automatically think of the worst and shove me away because I don't know if I could handle that again. I love you, but there's only so much hurt a person can take. So stop doubting me, and stop doubting how much I love you because you tried to push me away but I stayed. You won't loose me, nor can you loose me because I won't let you. I am in love with you, you and every single little thing you've ever done. I don't care about the past. I don't care what happened with us back then because that's not who we are anymore."

 

Niall stepped towards me, his eyes sparkling in that way that I've always loved. We weren't quite touching yet but we were close, so close that we were breathing in the same air.

 

"That's not who we can be."

 

My heart was racing in my chest, and it was taking everything in me to not move. I wanted to kiss him so badly in this exact moment but I couldn't, not until everything was cleared up and everything was certain. I had to know exactly what Niall meant before I allowed myself to hope, and his words had certainly given me more than enough reason to hope.

 

"Are you saying--what are you saying?" My breathing was ragged and my heart was on fire, but I remained still.

 

"I'm saying, that I love you, Harry Styles. I'm saying that I've always loved you. I forgive you, I forgave you as soon as you did it really, and I'm ready to move past it. I'm ready to try again with you because when I think of my future all I can think of is you being right there next to me. I left with the intention of moving on, and I have but only from the hurt. I haven't moved on from you and I doubt I ever will. I came back with the hope that you would come and find me, and you did--but you're still Harry so my patience may have dwindled a little bit, and I had to come find you myself."

 

"I'm sorry, I didn't know what to think Niall. I didn't know what was going to happen if I knocked and so I--I left. I couldn't face you rejecting me again. I couldn't handle the thought of loosing you forever for the second time. I didn't want to have to face a future where you weren't there beside me." I looked down towards the floor, not being able to face Niall head on, not when I was still such a coward.

 

"Harry, it's alright. You don't always have to be the brave person, that's what you've got me for. I just need to you to be able to be brave enough to talk to me. You don't need to be brave with anyone but me. I never want you to be afraid to talk to me about something--anything really. I want you to be open with me, and I know that's going to be hard for you, but I believe in you. I have faith in you Harry Styles, and you can do anything. I truly believe that."

 

"Niall--I've missed you. I've missed you so much." I choked out before I finally couldn't take it anymore and I threw myself into his arms. He caught me as easily as he always had, and held me tight against him, burying his head into my neck.

 

"I've missed you too Harry, so much."

 

And maybe everything wasn't fixed. Maybe we needed to spend more time discussing our issues. Maybe we need to sit down and talk everything out that had gone wrong between the two of us, but three in the morning was not the right time for that. We would get to that later but for this moment, we simply latched onto one another like we hadn't in so long. We held our bodies together with a need that I hadn't been able to fill since the day I pushed Niall away.

 

"I love you." He sighed, planting a chaste kiss to my neck, sending shivers up and down every single inch of my body. "I love you more than I've ever loved anyone, and I will always love you, so don't forget that alright, Bird?"

 

I pulled back at that, hearing him use that term of endearment, that term that I hadn't heard escape his lips since before the wedding, and I gave into it--into him. I leaned down and pressed my lips to his as gently as I could manage. It was strange at first, having not kissed him in longer than I'd like to say, but then it became familiar. It was still Niall, it was his lips that were touching mine, and his tongue that was licking away at the seam of my lips. It was his teeth that were nibbling my lips open and it was his taste. It was all Niall, and I hadn't even realized how much I needed this from him until this very second. I needed him more than I'd ever needed someone in my entire life.

 

Our kiss changed quickly, what started off light and familiar soon became heated and needy. It had been months since I'd touched my lips to his, and even longer since I'd had my hand under his shirt. His own hand was pushing into my bare back, shoving us all the closer. We were insatiable, and I couldn't touch enough of him, my hands were restless, my lips unstoppable as I began to venture away from his mouth and make my way across his face, down his neck, kissing every inch of available skin.

 

The whole time all I could think of was him, all I could hear was his name: Niall, Niall, Niall.

 

Niall was the one for me, and it may have taken me more time than it should have to figure that out, but I finally had. He had always been all I needed. He kept me safe and loved me just as my Mum always said someone would. He kept me safe, and gave me space to be me. He didn't suffocate me, or hold me back, but instead he set me free. He gave me room to run, to fly, to be me, while always being there for me to come back to, a place to call home. And home had turned from a place with a bed to place with him. As long as Niall was there I was home.

 

Niall was home to me.

 

Tonight was a new beginning, I didn't know what tomorrow would bring, nor did I know how Niall and I were going to work through any of our problems, but I had faith. Niall said he had faith in me, but I had faith in him as well. Niall was the only person in my entire life that had never let me down. He'd always been there for me and he'd more than proven he wasn't going anywhere. Niall understood me, and he understood what I needed but he also pushed me. He made me better, and in return I made him better as well. We balanced each other out, and it was truly amazing to see. It was amazing to look back on the first day I met Niall and to see how much had changed, how much we had both changed.

 

Niall taught me what it was to love someone without fear or retribution. He taught me that life doesn't always happen like you want it to but if you want something bad enough you can make it happen, you just have to fight for it. Niall fought for me, even when it seemed like he wasn't, he did, and in return I needed to fight for him as well.

 

We'd both taken our steps, Niall with coming back and me with therapy. I was talking through my problems and now I had Niall back to lean on. He was there for me, and I no longer doubted how long this would last. I no longer doubted who he was, or why he loved me because I didn't need to. Niall didn't doubt me, even though he had every reason to, so me doubting him at all would be beyond ridiculous. Niall was my forever, and I was his, and everything else we could figure out along the way.

 

As long as we had each other, we could make it through anything.


	43. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Song: Little Do You Know by Alex and Serria

**Liam's POV**

 

 

“Go Louis!” Niall shouts from beside me, his cheeks flushed red as Harry draps his arm around his fiancé, a wide smile on his face as if nothing else in the world mattered but this moment.

 

They’ve come a long way, all of them really. Louis is playing his heart out in the World Cup for England, and he landed us all tickets, bless his heart. The idiot actually threw the tickets at my head a couple weeks back while doing a rendition of I Want It That Way, and to say I was a little surprised would have been an understatement but then again my husband had always surprised me.

 

It’s funny really, to think about how much everything has changed. Louis married me not three months back and yet I feel like we’ve been married for years. His Mom didn’t attend the ceremony, but his sisters came out to support the both of us. Harry and Niall standing beside each of us as Zayn did the ceremony. It wasn’t anything really big and grand but it was enough for us, it was enough for me. I know Lou was nervous the entire time, he was always checking to see whether or not I was going to leave, and that doesn’t mean I hadn’t thought about it a few time over the last few years, but I never have. I’ve never shut Louis out of my life as badly as I once did. And if that isn’t progress then fuck it all to hell.

 

Louis is my forever and I’m happy about that, immensely so.

 

His face on that day was a thousand times brighter than the day he found out he was picked for the World Cup Team, and if that doesn’t say something then nothing will because he was pretty much floating. He even made Niall come over and spend the entire night with us, of course he drug Harry along and we ended up having one huge sleepover, though somehow none of us minded. Things have just fallen into place.

 

It’s not even the fact that Louis is where he is today, with all of us cheering him on, but it’s the fact that we’ve overcome. We have gone through trials, more than just counseling and family issues, Niall found a spot on his liver, they thought it was cancer for a while—Harry closed himself off, but somehow Niall found his way in. Harry knew what his life was like without Niall and I think that is what made him capable of doing it. Thankfully the spot turned out to be some fatty tissue, and then Niall got put on a strict diet—something Niall had never heard of before and seemed to think was killing him. It didn’t and he’s learned to work around it, letting Harry control his portions, even though he pouts a bit in the process. It helps Harry have a clear heart as he’s able to stop worrying about Niall so much—something I seem to doubt will ever change.

 

Zayn married Perrie a year after our couples counseling sessions ended, but we kept up with him, me especially seeing as we had still been taking sessions together. Their daughter is about to turn three and was our flower girl, something that Louis had insisted on, even though Zayn fought it tooth and nail, he didn’t want to worry about her stumbling up the isle—he’s often overprotective, but Louis doesn’t let him get away with it, especially when he makes Zayn give her up for a sleep over at ours, which has gotten easier as Zayn finally realized that meant time alone with his wife. His family is crazy about the whole of them, just as we all knew they would be—though Zayn often worried about it. He’s honestly the biggest worry-wart to have ever lived, and that’s coming from me. I think they are working on kid number two, or maybe they’ve already succeeded seeing as they gave some lame ass excuse as to why they couldn’t make it to Louis’ game.

 

Niall’s family is filling up the stands, cooing over their ‘boy’ as he dribbles across the field with expert precision. It’s adorable really, how much Niall’s family loves my Louis. Over the years I’ve come around to the fact that they are exactly what he needs. He may not have his own flesh and blood standing behind him, but he’s got the Horan’s and there’s nothing better for Louis than them, especially when he’s got Niall leading them all.

 

Niall and Louis are still as close as ever, but more often than not I get time to spend with Niall just the two of us, and he helps me with not only understanding Louis better, but with myself as well, though no one helps me more in that than Harry. He comes over more often now a days, what with the four of us only living across the hall from each other, seeing as he moved in with Niall years ago. We go on walks together and he lets his burdens out, and sometimes it scares me. Sometimes he mentions something about Niall that scares me—his hesitancy to talk to him about something, but the thing that gives me hope is how he moves himself past it. Harry has found himself, and in it his relationship with Niall has flourished.

 

Louis had bet that Harry would propose way early than he did—the idiot, actually thought those two would get married first, as if I’d allow that, he’s mental—but Harry did propose, just as Niall was starting to think about doing it himself actually. It seemed that marriage wasn’t something Niall had been completely set on, but as soon as their five year anniversary hit, he seemed to realize just how much he loved Harry, and just how much he wished to share a last name with him, though he didn’t care which one they kept. Harry had been on the same wavelength somehow, and just as Niall was calling me up asking about engagement rings for men, Harry was calling me a day later to say Niall had said yes. They’re nuts, but they love each other, who am I to complain?

 

“Liam! What the fuck is wrong with you! Louis just assisted a goal you fuck twit! Oh my God, Harry you sit next to him. I can’t handle this.” Niall hit me, as I shook my head.

 

“Hey Li, he’s just a bit on edge is all, don’t take it personally.” Harry tried to reassure me, which got him an elbow in the side from Niall, though he didn’t even bother taking his eyes from the field.

 

I glanced down at the field, seeing Louis jogging back into his position, as Nick—his coach—yelled profanities his ways, something Louis responded to with a simple middle finger.

 

What a role model.

 

“Having trouble watching it as well ma dear?” Maura asked me, a soft smile lighting up her crinkly face.

 

“Yeah, it’s just—this is huge and I want him to succeed so much that I don’t even—I am having trouble just sitting still right now.” I admitted sheepishly to which she simply nodded her head.

 

“Trust me, I know. Greg’s practically yelling my ear off with Theo right next to him, but I can hardly look. I don’t know how Lou does it—it’s rather amazing.”

 

“He certainly is Maura.” She smiled at that, before turning he head back towards the rowdy Irishmen set up to my left. Niall and Harry were still watching the field intently, but I could only take so much.

 

With five minutes on the clock I got up and walked down the stairs. I was still a bit of a chicken, but I had so much nervous energy and I just didn’t know how to handle it. There was nothing I could do for Louis right now, it was up to him and his teammates and it made me feel so useless. I got out my mobile without much thought, and rang Zayn. It was rather early over in England but I needed to talk to him, somehow he always managed to help me out with this, and I really needed to figure out how to be there for Louis.

 

“Liam, God damn it.” Zayn hissed, his voice low and groggy as if he was still asleep, and well seeing as it was four in the morning he probably had been.

 

“Sorry—it’s just—I just—I can’t watch Zayn.” I was breathing heavily, and my eyes were squeezed tight.

 

“Watch—oh. Liam, for fuck’s sake, it’s a game, if he wins great, if he looses, that sucks, but you better be fucking able to tell him every single minute of it. You better be able to be honest when you say he played good, because you watched him, not because someone else told you he did. What does it matter what the board says when Louis is out there doing what he loves, with all the people he loves in the stands cheering for him? He loves you mate, so get your fucking ass back out there.”

 

He hung up just like that, but he really had gotten through to me. Like a kick the fucking ass, that one was, I was sprinting up the steps, the clock now down to just a minute, but I wasn’t going to miss it.

 

And I didn’t either.

 

I got up in time to watch the final minutes of the game, and we made it. We made it through to the next round and Louis was laughing and hugging his teammates, and Nick was staring at them with a sour smile, that Louis somehow managed to hit off his face, and we were all celebrating, and yeah maybe we hadn’t just won the World Cup, but we’d made it out of the final sixteen, and that was more than enough. Louis had made it through this round and even though it was hard to watch, I was there for him.

 

I would always be there for him.

 

*

 

It was late that night, after everyone had separated, the dinner celebrations over, and just the two of us tucked away into our small room when I gave them to him. It had become a tradition, and Zayn had been right, the number was no longer something that made Louis cringe. It had come to represent so much more. We got married on the seventy second day of the year—I counted, and when Louis asked why I insisted that we be married on a fucking Wednesday, I told him and he looked at me for a while before he broke down into tears—happy ones apparently, but tears all the same, scaring the ever living shit out of me.

 

Of course after my romantic gesture of sorts he started groaning and moaning about how all Harry was going to do that day was go around saying shit like “MikeMikeMikeMike,” and “Guess what day it is, guess what day it is?” and of course he would end with “Hump Day.”

 

It was almost enough that Louis knew Harry would do that, that when our wedding day came around and Harry actually did say all those things, I was able to find it the least bit endearing, if not completely embarrassing. Niall snickered about the entire evening, with Harry just beaming with pride at seeing his fiancé in such a state because of him.

 

They were idiots but then, they were our idiots so what could be done?

 

“Liam, what are those?” Louis asked, his smile as sly as the Cheshire cat and I just shrugged my shoulders.

 

“Dunno, should we find out?”

 

I stepped forwards grabbing a card from one of the many vases of roses littering our hotel room. “Well, it says: Seventy-two roses for a man worth a million more. You played excellent today Louis, I love you.”

 

I glanced up smiling at that last part and Louis just stared at me a bit before rolling his eyes.

 

“You are such a sap Liam Payne.”

 

“It’s Tomlinson now you nut, get used to it.”

 

“But all the puns!”

 

“Too bad, so sad, Louis. We choose this together, so you better get used to it.”

 

“Just because your last name is now legally Tomlinson does not mean that you aren’t a pain, you Payne.” I simply rolled my eyes at that one.

 

“Whatever you say Lou.”

 

It took a minute then he was knocking me backwards his lips attached to mine as it they were magnetically pulled there. Louis still tasted just as he always had, the years had done nothing to dim the love I had for this man, if anything it had only intensified over time. He was everything I ever wanted, and everything I was thankful for—he was mine, and that was more than enough.

 

“Why couldn’t you have gotten creative this time and instead of roses given me seventy-two condoms for a man who can use every single one?”

 

“Louis, you are a disgrace.” He pouted at that, “But I love you.”

 

“And I love you Liam, just as I always have.”

 

 

“And just as we always will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to post this last part on here, opps. SOrry. Anyways, this is the end of this story and I hope everyone has enjoyed it. If you would leave one last comment to say goodbye, and tell me how you enjoyed this story overall I would really appreciate it. Thanks for sticking this out with me :)


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